Primal Journal for Metamorphosis
This journal will give me hope and strength. I really need both. Let me tell you why.
I'm a 20 years old, hungarian girl. I think I'm quite OK, as for my physical condition. Well OK, I am FAT, but I don't have pains or diseases. My life took the wrong turn when I met preveious boyfriend. Until then I was on good terms whit my body, boys also liked me, and tried to date me. I was so happy back than. So, when I started dating with the above mentioned boy, I started to feel like I'm not thin enough, not sexy enough, not pretty enough. That was the moment when I started dieting. I tried many, for example the " healthy lifestyle" when you know, you only eat whole grain stuff and little to no fat. I dropped weight, from my starting 62 kg I went down to 56 kg. And I wasn't satisfied. I was even more depressed, I saw everywhere skinny, beautiful girls and it made me sick. Mentally sick. I thought I was worthless, ugly, fat. So I wanted to lose more weight. I became obsessed with food and exercise: 6 meals and at least 1 hour workout a day. When I had money, I went to aerobic classes and did double courses which mean 2*2 hour per week, at weekend I went jogging. I was muscular and thin, but still felt ugly and fat. My mood was always bad and depressed. My friends turned away from me, and so did my boyfriend. The next big step toward the edge was when I started takeing contraceptive pills. Needless to say, my weight started going up. 60 kg..Again. It made me even depressed. So I tried new diets, like Atkins, calorie counting, fasting. Everything. Nothing worked. My boyfriend got bored meanwhile, so, we broke up. Now I am here, totally hopeless, fat, depressed. When I walk on the streets, I saw beautiful, skinny girls and it seems like they are laughing at me, how fat and ugly I am. And there are the handsome boys who simply look right through me. Makes me feel even worthless.
I find Mark's Daily Apple when I was looking for the perfect diet. I think this might help me, because insulin resistence may be my problem, though doctors never confirmed this, but I think. I don't get hungry, so fasting is not a problem to me, I can go on forever without food, but when I put somthing in my mouth, whatever it is, I cannot stop eating. I went almost cold-turkey primal, so I cut out wheat, pasta, rice, sugar, sweets , chocolate, I only eat one serving of fruit a day, but I want to drop that also, I try to eat as fatty as I can. Eggs, beacon, speck. A lot of salad also. I don't drink milk, but I use heavy cream for my salad. As for nuts, I promised myself only to eat once a week. I started this lifestyle recently, for a week or so, but I think I already gained weight, which I hate. Now I am even more disgusted whit both food and myself. I know I am not healthy mentally, but I cannot help it. I tried positive way of thinking, but that just don't fit me. I hope this new lifestyle will change me, both my mind and my body. I want to be fit, super fast, super strong, have a hot, musluar body.
As for my day, I woke up at 5:00 am, ate 2 eggs with bacon. At 10:00 am I ate 100 gr of mixed nuts and raisin. I know I had to drop raisin, I will, this was the last time. At 17:00 pm I made a middle sized salad of cabbage, bacon, cucmber and home made dressing which consists of heavy cream, mustard fat from the bacon and spices. For workout, I walked an hour, 40 minutes + 20 minutes. I plan to do a short 20 minutes workout later. That's all.
I hope I will be as successfull as everyone on this website. I admire those who made their dreams came true and got healty, fit and slim. I so ENVY YOU!
P.S. I AM VERY SORRY FOR MY BAD SPELLING AND GRAMMAR. I hope it will improve
Last edited by HunChick; 02-29-2012 at 10:08 AM.
Oh, I just forgot the time-zone. So, if somebody reads the preveious post, I would like to think of it as yesterday, maybe it will make sense that way. Also, I have to admit I am a loser. I ate a whole orange and after that I melted margarin and put grated cocnut in it with sweetener. I feel so ashamed now. Maybe I shoul fast forever. Don't really know how to fight this hunger, which isn't the good kind of hunger. Even if I eat very very low carb meal, like a salad, with lots of fat I will get more hungry. My stomach feels full, and I am disgusted by the fact, but I could eat more and more and more. Can this inner force be fighted? :S Or there is no hope? Does insulin this to me? I am so lost.
Sooo.. Yesterday was a good day I think. I woke up at around 8:30, and ate 3 sausages. Then I went for a walk. At 1 p.m. I had my lunch which was salad. After that I went cycling. It was fun My dinner was around 6 p.m. I had a half carrott with creamcheese dip. For dessert I had cottage cheese with heavy cream. I worked out for 30 minutes. My muscles are still tired It feels nice But my body still looks fat as hell. I hate it so much. Hope one day it will change.
Oh maaan, I hate myself so much. I eat a lot. Especially in the evening. Today I did an hour squash with my dad and I realized how fat, ugly, weak and slow I am. I decided to work out every day, out least 20 minutes. I will skip dinner, because I can't stop eating after I had dinner. So, simply, I will not eat after lunch. That means on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I will only have breakfast, because I am in school from 8 am to 6 pm, meanwhile I eat nothing. Hope it will work. I am fed up with my body. So ugly, and fat. I read a lot of books about self-image and so, and they say you can not fix a body you hate. But, maaaaan, how can you love something that is ugly and fat like hell.