Primal journal : Coll page 71

[Coll]

Got some tummy issues at the moment - can't figure out if it is something I am eating or if it is just the tail end of the 'flu. Not nice though ... hopefully tomorrow the tummy is fine as we are going to the St Patricks day parade in town and I don't like the idea of an upset stomach while standing on a street corner!!

Got a nasty fire started up nearby again - very windy day and the fire was at about 800 acres late this afternoon. Just over the hill and before the next one!! The kids were pretty freaked out by it and then there was an accident just about a hundred yards down the road I think as a result of all the emergency vehicles rushing down the road!! Our road closed off for about half an hour and a number of people loaded into ambulances! What a crazy day ... just praying for snow to arrive. Not far off from water restrictions - we need at least 8 feet of snow in the mountains to get us out of immediate trouble water wise.

[Coll]

OK, here I am again. What a mess I am in at the moment. Yesterday was a good one to be done with and start again!! I started out with a bar of chocolate before breakfast, three tiny tubs of icecream before lunch, and two big helpings of cauliflower fried rice for dinner. I left out having tea for a couple of days and had no tummy issues at all. I think I overdosed on caffeine ... Anyway, today is a new day and I am starting over, AGAIN! Hit 200 lbs today ... glad in a way that I hadn't gotten around to getting rid of the old clothes that were so big for me ... I am using them again

I started today with 2 fried eggs, 1/2 avo and a cup of tea with heavy cream. Going to keep the tea to one cup a day for the moment - much easier since it is not so cold anymore. Going to try going VLC and high fat and medium protein for the next while. DH is very busy with work so I am able to use his office computer today and probably tomorrow. I am hoping to have my computer running properly in the next few days ... just waiting for some software to arrive in the mail today. I am going to try and track my macros from today too. I would like to get my calories below 1500 just to start out and let my body adjust to VLC over the next few days.

The kids and I are going to pack up some of their toys, partly in preparation for moving but also so that the floor can be found at the end of the day - it is too much otherwise. The fire that was burning close by seems to be mostly under control now - very glad. TOday is supposed to be bad fire weather so hopefully the lines will hold through today. The wind will be picking up again, warm and humidity below 15%!! Not good ... we are all a bit gun shy with regards to the fires after last years drama. We are hoping to hear any day now that we can go ahead and start the process of getting preapproved for buying a home. The last bit of waiting seems to be the hardest. We have found a place that we really like - needs lots of work etc but hopefully is in our price range. But there is no way to move until we can make an offer ... every day I check to see if it is still on the market, and so far it is. I think it is very overpriced at the moment ... might be in our favour for the moment but really praying that the seller would be willing to come down to a more reasonable price. Two places that are very similar just showed up on the market and they also show that it is overpriced. Guess we'll see and I have to just sit tight for the moment ... if we could get this place we'd be able to get our own cows and chickens etc and be able to grow our own food!! Got my fingers all crossed ...

Hopefully todays better eating (helped by the fact that there is nothing left of the crappy food!) will see me feeling better and regaining some of the ground I have lost over the last few weeks!

[Coll]

It was a reasonable day yesterday - certainly doesn't make it into the good day category, but, I also didn't eat loads of chocolate and mostly ate ok portions of primal stuff. Too many nuts - but still better in my book than bars of chocolate!! As a result I did lose about a pound of water weight. Yippee, at least a move in the right direction. Waiting for my computer to come back from getting fixed and then I will try to get on the tracking macros stuff. Right now just trying to keep away from the chocolate and sugar and get things generally more stable.

Trying to not let the stress get to me - just feeling like certain family members are SUCH a HEAVY burden. Worrying about what on earth we will do if one of them needs hospitalization! Can't even imagine how long it would take to pay it off - probably be bankrupt. Trying to figure out how to take care of them without sacrificing our little family too. Wondering if we should broach the subject of them returning to our home country where at least they would be able to have prorated medical care .. and our money would go further in helping them with daily life too. I don't know ... I just want to run away and pretend that it is not an issue. But they are getting older and their health is not great and it is just a matter of time until we have the major medical bills ... the medical system here is so unbelievably, ridiculously expensive!! So that is one of my main stressors at the moment. Just heard we have another delay on being able to apply for financing for a house - at least a month more. We were originally told January ... then Feb, then early March, then middle of March - it is hard when the goal keeps on being moved. I know I am whining - but heck, it is my journal and I can write about whatever I like. Got to get it out somewhere!

A dear friend has just had her husband tell her he is done with their marriage! Her little boy is in terror that his mommy is going to leave him too. She is trying to figure out how on earth she is going to live, in a foreign country and still make enough money to live on... my heart is breaking for them!! And I can't do anything except call and tell her she is still a wonderful person. Grrr!

I had a pork chop for breakfast with some sauerkraut. I had nuts for a snack, and an avocado and a piece of cheese for lunch. Nothing much in the refrigerator - need to go shopping this afternoon!

[Coll]

198 lbs today, gradual improvement. At least in the right direction. I did eat some dark chocolate yesterday - managed to keep it to about 6 pieces. Not sure what else I ate - I know an avo and a half, lettuce wrapped burger and beef kabobs, canned peaches and cream, apple and cheese, a few macadamias. I know it was too much, and too much carbs. Just taking tiny baby steps at the moment.

DH and I had a long talk last night about what on earth to do about my parents. I feel like someone who has been walking around with my head in the sand for years ... too afraid to look at the reality of how we are unable to take care of them here in the USA. It would take one trip to the hospital (their health isn't good aside from the possibility of some kind of trauma) to take us all down. None of us has health insurance and even with that there are plenty costs associated with hospital visits. Anyway, long story short, we think it is going to be best to help them get back to South Africa and then at least they have access to much cheaper health care and their money will go further, as will any money we can give them to help out. The exchange rate is 1: 9.3 at the moment - their money just goes nowhere and nor does ours. It is a relief in a way to have an idea of what to do to help them - and yet I am dreading having to tell them that they have to leave. Good thing I can't check my blood pressure at the moment - I am sure it is high, purely stress related. Got into bed last night and could hear the deep roaring sound in my head (sounds like heavy machinery operating just on the edge of my hearing) that I am now realising is related to chronic stress. It is such a relief to have figured out why I am depressed and super stressed. Maybe that is why I am bingeing and unable to lose weight even when not bingeing .... so tired all the time and can barely make it through the day just doing the most basic chores. Once my computer is back I hope to get on skype with my brothers and see if I can get them on board - some of them have done very little at all to help the folks, it has all been on us. Just can't anymore!!

[Sabine]

I'm sorry you're having this problem, Coll. It is rough having to tell your parents they just can't stay. But you can only do what you can do. Hang in there.

[Siobhan]

That is such a tough problem, Coll. I hope it works out and secretly they want to go back or something like that. I guess they are not eligible for Medicare? Perhaps they aren't old enough. This healthcare thing....grrrrrr....

[Coll]

Thanks all for the support! Siobhan, they applied, but they are on green cards and were turned down, I don't remember the exact reasons. Sometimes I wonder why we even bothered doing the whole immigration thing legally - it seems to work better if you come in illegally and then get granted amnesty, and of course they all get free medical care!!! It is still at least 18 months before my Mom would be eligible to apply for citizenship. In the meantime her diabetic meds are a few hundred dollars a month when the doc doesn't have samples. And that is only one of the meds they need. My Dad has an auto-immune disease that attacks the muscles esp of the legs, he is also very overweight and has had a lot of falls the last year or so. It freaks me out to think of a broken hip etc ....

I am really hoping that they will secretly be thrilled to hear that they are going back to SA. I know they miss it terribly (as do I) and the thing is they have so much more going for them there than here. They have so many contacts and resources there for everything. And two of my brothers live there and could at least contribute a bit to their care even if it is just with practical things. The other plus is that there are 3 grandchildren in SA that they haven't seen for ages and my other brother is far more likely to visit SA with his family than come here. Of course they will be far from us then ... but there is no way we can save to make a trip there while trying to support them here .... over 10 years since I was last home! I am just praying that God will prepare their hearts and that He will give us wisdom in how to approach the subject with them and when. Such a big deal for us all ....

The carnitas are smelling pretty good - still trying to cook off the extra liquid. Takes longer at a higher altitude and I forgot to adjust for that. I think it will still be ready in good time for dinner. I was thinking of serving the carnitas with sour cream, salsa, olives and then served in romaine lettuce leaves... I doubt whether DS will eat it. Guess he'll be eating more grass fed hotdogs and a chunk of raw cauliflower and sliced raw mushroom instead... maybe he will try it.

Kids are stressed at the moment - I think our stress is infectious and it is running rampant through the house. Got them watching a wildlife movie to redirect their little minds. We are supposed to be getting a little snow tomorrow - really praying that it doesn't fizzle out again. The snowpack is at least 8 feet behind what it should be. Water restrictions already in place. After the huge fire last year the rivers water quality has been greatly affected. The irrigation ditch behind our house has a layer inches deep of ash and of course all the houses that got burned up are sending their bits and pieces down river. The lake was used as a water source for fighting the fire - I can't remember how many millions of gallons they scooped out of there to drop on the fire... between that and the drought the lake is a lot lower, and this year it is the main source of water for the city. The fire we just had ended up only being about 1300 acres ... 100% contained now, but that was right next to Horsetooth lake as well. They think the volume of water will dilute the effects of the fire - glad to hear it. Guess I will need to do BIG time mulching this year on my gardens.

Until we have the folks organised we are just going to blow off trying to buy a house - too much otherwise. And of course we will need to look for something totally different once we are not trying to buy a place to accomodate us all! This area is really expensive, especially when you move from SC where properties are really cheap now! It is a relief to think that we will be able to look for something slightly more affordable once everything else is sorted out.

[Coll]

AT LAST! The computer is up and running properly now!

Had a lovely visit with friends yesterday evening. Everything was primal as we had told them about our issue with grains. Very nice time - first visit as a family with friend type people since we moved here almost exactly two years ago. Can you say we are slow to make friends?! Been talking to my mom and just wilting at the thought of telling them they need to leave. But at the same time - it has reinforced the fact that we can't keep going like this. They need help with paying their taxes and a couple of bills and they are eating totally crappy food because they can't afford decent food. Just one big downward spiral...

Have been feeling much better the last couple of days ... the cravings are settling down at last and I am not constantly on the prowl for food. I am still not quite on top of the whole chocolate thing - Easter is so hard for a chocoholic! Looks like we may take a few days off over Easter weekend and go away as a family. I am so tired of the phone ringing and never being off. Even on days off DH is having to answer the phone and pick up radon testers etc. I HATE it even while I am very grateful for the income ... Just feels as though he isn't truly here a lot of the time even though his body is here. We are still figuring out how to take time for us - not used to being his own boss. Lots of learning happening.

DS is fighting off another cold - seems to be holding his own which I am glad about!

Lost a wee bit more weight yesterday, despite the icecream last night at the dinner it wasn't much at all though, the rest was berries and a touch of cream (for the dessert) The main course was roast beef and veg.

[Coll]

Life is serving up heaping helpings of stress right now ... still having computer issues. Whichever way I turn at the moment it is all just kind of imploding ... stress by the ton. Not doing school today - I can hardly write legibly today because my hands are shaking. Took about half an hour to lie in the sun on the trampoline - felt wonderful. The sound of icicles falling off the edge of the roof, snow melting all around and the sun was so warm on my back. Lovely. Back to the chaos now - trying to call my siblings in their respective countries to try and get help with caring for my folks ... nothing straight forward in that process let me tell you!! I can feel the chocolate calling me - that siren song is winning at the moment. Don't even know why I am on here anymore - every way I turn I am failing dismally. I might just have to take a break and start over some other time when life settles down a bit.

[Siobhan]

Maybe you are here for the fellowship? I hope so! We love you!