Show, then aid - Sabine page

[Sabine]

All the regular reasons to start my own journal, but this is what got me going:

I've been reading other journals, for inspiration, and to get my primal fix, to help keep me on track. One poster was lamenting that 'she didn't have a death wish, so why was she acting/eating like she did.' I was at the end of a day of just that kind of behavior. Having more of the symptoms that make me wonder if I'm headed for a heart attack, or pancreatic cancer, or stroke. All my fears just running wild.

And it is directly attributable to how I eat. When I am eating primally, I feel good. Within a day or two of 'slipping', I feel like crap.

And yet, I keep slipping.

Reading that phrase, I wondered, do I have a death wish? Yes or no, I don't want to be the kind of person who does. Or who acts like they do. Every bit of accountability I can wring out of myself, well, I just have to.

Last month I went to a workshop on play that a friend was presenting. One of the exercises was to write your novel's plot as a haiku. And it was really fun.

So, I'm staring at that phrase, 'death wish'. If it is strong enough to motivate me to start my journal, maybe it would be good to have it as my focus, my title. But I believe in the premise that your brain does not comprehend negatives. Every time I looked at 'no Death Wish', my brain would analyze it as 'Death Wish.'

Not the effect I am going for.

So I started anagraming, and came up with 'show then aid'. That's a keeper, because it plays into my fantasy, common to many, I think, that I can lose weight, be healthy, and help others by my example. Plus, it has that little writerly tinge of 'show, don't tell'. No one wants to take advice from someone who is still fat and unhealthy. Which is why I keep quiet about how I have been eating. Though I feel good, and lose weight when I am doing it, I have had too many relapses to be anything but an example for how turning back to sugars will screw you up.

So, my journal. A way for me to show myself what I am doing, so I can learn how to do it. And have the goal of someday showing others how it is done.

[theprimalcajun]

Hi Sabine!! From a fellow Texan!! I live south of you close to the coast!

So how long have you been primal? You're off to a great start with your journal...altho we'd like to know a little more about you!
I'll subscribe so that I can follow your progress! We're all here to help & encourage each other. But if you've read some of the journals you've seen that for yourself!!

Good luck in your journey!!!

[Sabine]

Subscribe? I had no idea we could do this. I had to start poking around at all the little buttons until I found subscribe. And with no idea how it works, I commit myself to pushing that button today. Will things show up in my email? Under private messages? Somewhere else? What an adventure the internet is!

Thanks for the greeting, too. The community here at MDA is wonderful.

After a lifetime of CW and increasing pudginess, I tried low-carb about eight years ago (oh my goodness, that long? I can't believe I've been fuzing around for eight years!) with great success for five months. I was looking good and feeling great. Then I had one Butterfinger at Halloween. Cue the quick downward spiral. I have been on and off ever since, disgusted with myself, but always giving in to some sugary/starchy temptation.

I came to primal/paleo eating via watching 'Fathead' last year. It has completely changed my mindset, if not my behavior. I still slip, but I am getting back on the wagon sooner- days or weeks, not months or years- and am clinging to the notion that this means I am learning. primarily, that some things just aren't food at all, and if I can just avoid swallowing them, I do a lot better. (Hmm, I seem to remember teaching this to my kids when they were two. How is it that it is taking my 47-plus years? Very lowering to be such a slow learner.)

I am:
female
47 years
5'8"
My highest weight with CW: 217
My lowest weight as an adult: 179
Presently bouncing around at: 200
Goal weight: 154
Real goal weight in my dreams: 140- I have not been 140 since high school, and at the time I thought I was fat, fat, fat! Looking at pictures, I now realize I was a sexy hottie, who was just uncomfortable with an hourglass figure and what it symbolized. I tell myself I want to be healthy, and I do- the fear at night is what gets me eating right the next morning- but a persistent smidge of myself also wants to look good, no, great. Wants to see people checking me out, wants to strike a pose in something clinging, and have it be sexy, not pathetic.

Yesterday:

Up at 7:00
supplements

9:15 4 pork link sausages
2 eggs scrambled in lard

1:45 3oz mortadella
1/2 C herring

3:30 kale chips- not hungry, but I want to try the recipe

7:00 pork goulash- pork, onions,tomato, bells, sauerkraut, garlic
cauliflower cheese

Feeling better after two days of eating only FOOD, no crap.

Bed at 9:15.

[theprimalcajun]

Glad you figured out how to subscribe to journals Sabine!! I had to figure it out the hard way too!! I don't have alerts sent to my email as I'm on here several times a day! can't stay away...I have to check on everyone to see how everyone is doing!! It also helps to keep me focused.

I too went back & dug out some of my early pictures & just can't believe I let myself get this fat! My hubby used to tell me I was built like a brick shithouse! I was 118 when we got engaged...& had a great figure...altho I was always a little thicker thru the waist than I liked. Hubby says I used to complain back then that I was fat!!! WTF!!?? I can't believe I ever thought that. My waist was actually about the size of one of my thighs now. wow! Its just so hard for me to 'visualize' being that small as I've been overweight for so long! But I WILL be healthy & thin & "hot" again!! 57 year old women can be hot, can't they?? lol

Isn't it amazing how good you feel only after a few days of eating good? When I first started eating primal I was amazed at how good I felt within just a week's time! And I lost 10 pounds the first month!!! That was absolutely the coolest!!

Good luck & keep up the good work!! and have a mahvelous monday!

[Sabine]

Today I ate without being hungry. Nothing new, except I stopped before I did it. And still did it.

I was writing something that I wanted to do well, and struggling with the fear that I wasn't up to the task. And found myself wandering around the kitchen, looking for something to eat. I even said aloud, "I'm not hungry. I just want to eat." Pure avoidance. Anything to avoid writing crap.

I did chose something good- meat- but that's about all I can say.

For so much of my life, I have turned to food to quell emotions. How do people deal without stuffing their faces? I need to come up with a list of ideas to relieve anxiety, but oh, how convenient (on the surface) eating is. Easy, quick, mostly socially acceptable. One-handed.

I do love to read, but it is hard to do when you are trying to do something else. Ditto taking a bath. Even my mainstay of hand-work (quilting or knitting, mostly) can't be done with some things. Guess I'm going to have to grow up and learn to just have anxiety until I can do something about it. How annoying.

I have thought about getting up and taking a quick walk. I need to try it, but I worry that I'll take my walk, and then just not come back to whatever is making me anxious.

Fidgeting? I hate to be one of those people who tap, and twitch, but maybe they are on to something. Maybe I should meditate. (I usually fall asleep, though. Yikes.)

And yet, I remember when I was doing really well on low-carb for the first time. I would forget all about food. As I recall, I got a lot done in those five months. Maybe the anxiety will pass along with my physical symptoms. In which case, I just need to wait it out. Big girl panties- stay in the drawer!

[theprimalcajun]

Great post Sabine!! I have found that after about a week or two I was like you mentioned & didn't even really think about food much. I was satisfied...not hungry & believe it or not didn't have any cravings! I have bought primal 'snacky' things but they wound up just sitting in the fridge not getting eaten. I bought almond milk, reg & choco!! And there it sits cause I don't really want it. Not a big "milk" drinker anyway. Can't eat cereal anymore so why bother!? The only fruit I buy anymore is strawberries & occasionally blueberries.

So it will probably get to be like the time you were on the other low carb diet but this is soooo much better!!!

So....you quilt???? Me toooo!!!! Next to reading its my most favorite thing to do!!! have a great evening!!!

[Lex26]

Hey Sabine!

We actually have just about the same weight issues. I started off at 225 and have been around 195 for the last month at least. I remember in middle school and the beginning of high school being horrified at weighing 140, and now - yeah. Now I realize that's pretty hot. So that's simply where I want to get back to as well, while probably being more strong.

I hear you on emotional eating. It's a lot easier to not do after you get through sugar withdrawal. But I've found that, even after feeling in balance, high stress can make me crave a lot of food anytime. The only thing that helps me get through it is envisioning what is actually happening to me scientifically. Stress is making cortisol pour out. At the same time the liver is releasing glycogen stores and making blood sugar go higher. Cortisol is making insulin less effective, so more insulin is pumped out and then blood sugar goes down too fast and too low. I can fight the effects of this by doing something physical like a walk or fight it with stress relief - find funny videos, talk to someone else, some other distraction.

For me, thinking of it that way helps because then I don't shame myself as much for what I'm feeling. Having a journal on here is also very helpful. When I'm trying to stay on track on my own, I become way too negative. This forum is full of logical optimism and support while you're trying to sort out problems. The forums give me such encouragement, I can't believe I just went three whole days without posting!

[Sabine]

Woke up actually anxious to post my food for yesterday. Usually it is just a chore to do: writing it down, trying not to forget, analyzing, blah, blah, blah. How nice to be enjoying it. MDA Journaling rocks!

Yesterday:
Up at 6:00
Vitamins

12:00 2 plates of sashimi with
2oz chicken teriyaki
1/4 C seaweed salad
1/3 C creme brulee (no excuse-just did it)
3 strawberries

3:15 2oz mortadella- not hungry, just anxious about a task

6:30 2 servings ground beef
cheddar
salsa
avocado
olives
sour cream

8:30 decaf chai with
2oz cream

Bed at 9:30

So, I am a primal with dairy kind of person. A little too much yesterday, I must say. Last September I experimented with eating no dairy for the month. I thought it would be a nail biter, but after three days, I wasn't missing it, except intellectually. I do love how it tastes, but no 'cravings' for it. Am considering giving it up for another 30 days, or 31, since March is a long month, but not feeling very motivated about it. And 'giving it up' still means cream and butter are okay, I mean, let's not get crazy!

Today I want to have a small Liquid Fat Bomb, which I saw on the Freetheanimal site after someone mentioned it in a post. (I will not be one of those people who provides helpful links -don't know how- or cites exactly who told them everything- can't remember!) I confess, I love the name. Liquid fat Bomb. How could you not? And after trying Bee's egg drink, I am loving the egg-in-the-shake experience. I remember my dad making us milkshakes with egg in them when we were sick- he was on to it!

I have more writing planned for today, but I am hoping to learn from yesterday's experience. I commit to: getting up for a five minute walk with the dogs if I am feeling anxious, and not just stuffing my face. Bonus points if I don't have to take more than three walks.

[Sabine]

Oh, Liquid Fat Bomb, how I adore you.
In taste, how like a shake, though thinner.
You keep me full until my dinner.
Your nutritional charms are manifest.
Of all egg drinks, I love you best.

Couldn't resist. I had a small LFB (half-size) and it kept me going for five hours. Yes!

[Sabine]

I have had heartburn since this afternoon.

One, it hurts.
Two, it is annoying to get when I feel as if I have been eating right.
Three, it scares me. My father died of pancreatic cancer, and one of his early symptoms was a burning up his throat. Any time I have it, my imagination goes wild. Especially now that I know more about what the pancreas does, and can imagine how I have over-worked mine. Makes me really want my dad to give me a hug and reassure me.

After my crazy Christmas binge, I had heartburn for eight days after I began eating right again, so I shouldn't freak out. A few hours is nothing, right? But I worry that I have really damaged myself. Where are you time machine? Although, with all the times I have fallen off the wagon, would it really do me any good? I know now, and yet I still blow it.

Ah, well. I'll feel better tomorrow.