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  1. #431
    Pebbles67's Avatar
    Pebbles67 is offline Senior Member
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    The Why's are tough. Answering truthfully is immediately painful and later helpful. {{{hugs}}}

  2. #432
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    Ouch Sabine. A little harsh on yourself?
    Don't let nobody try and take your soul. You're the original . --Switchfoot- The Original

    GW: 135 SW: 156.8 CW: 156.8

  3. #433
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    theprimalcajun is offline Senior Member
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    Sabine...sometimes it hurts to go deep inside yourself to find answers. Its the way to be truly authentic with yourself. I think its all part of growing to love ourselves & to letting go of past negative beliefs that may be hindering our process of personal growth & nurturing. I admire you for taking this step...I haven't done it yet. I guess I'm scared to, but I know I will do it.

    give yourself a break for a bit & know that you are loved & we are here to hold you up when necessary.
    really big {{{{{hugs}}}}}
    Goal: Don't worry be happy!

  4. #434
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    longing2bfit is offline Senior Member
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    I am crying with you.. Reading your journal is like a window into an emotional part of me that I keep hidden even from myself

    This is all I have to offer.. Hope it helps!
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  5. #435
    Candy in Wonderland's Avatar
    Candy in Wonderland is online now Senior Member
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    Wow Sabine, I admire you for going so deep....
    Sure hope you feel better about yourself today!
    My Journal: Candy in Primal Wonderland
    My Blog: Candy in Wonderland
    Goal for 2012: keep weight steady (+/- 74 kg): check
    Goal for 2013: lose 10 kg and keep new weight (+/- 65 kg)

  6. #436
    Sabine's Avatar
    Sabine is offline Senior Member
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    Strange reactions

    When I got on the journals this morning and read your comments (thank you all for the hugs and thoughts) I realized two things. One, after reading the comments, I could barely remember what I had written. I had to go back and read it again, especially when Alessandra commented I might have been hard on myself. I was? Also, looking at my written log, I saw that although I had put 'Bed at 8:00', I had really fallen asleep on the sofa at 7:45- almost as though I was retreating.

    So, was it all too much, and I retreated and blocked it out? Or was it a necessary catharsis, and I've made a useful breakthrough? In either case, there were no tears on the re-reading. Maybe I can learn something.

    Feeling that I don't 'deserve' may be my present state, but I know(intellectually) it is not true, and I am not content to stay that way. And, I forgive my loved ones when they piss me off, and won't abandon them. I'll learn to extend the courtesy of believing they will do the same. (And, my mother did not abandon my because I pissed her off. She has her own issues. It had nothing to do with me as a person, and I need to stop holding on to that child's egocentric view of the universe, and accept that she hurt me and I didn't deserve it, but it happened. Deal.)

    Whew.

    This was yesterday:

    Up at 6:00
    Vitamins

    1:30 lamb stew
    1/8 quiche alsace

    6:15 2 servings primal beef chili with
    cheddar
    sour cream
    avocado
    3 strawberries with
    cream whipped with a little
    stevia

    Bed at 8:00(well, asleep at 7:40)

    No desire to binge. Hoping for good things today, as well. I am going to try something as an aggressive(in the sense of taking action) exercise. I am going to Macy's and I'm going to try on pretty clothes and look at myself in them. Maybe take a picture or two. Feel feminine and enjoy feeling it.

    My wardrobe is mainly practical. Even if I feel I look good in something, I rarely feel 'feminine' or 'pretty'. Time for some risks. Also, our budget does not extend to department store prices. I buy at the thrift store, and rarely, at Target. I still remember the last item I bought at Macy's- it was more than ten years ago! So this will feel very 'luxe'. (And, I WILL hang everything back up neatly and put it back on the racks. If I'm not giving the salesperson a commission, I at least also will not give her more work.)

    This is in reaction to my first binge a few days ago. I decided to do it before I did the 'why' exercise last night. I wanted to force myself to feel feminine, in the hopes of getting used to the feeling, so I won't have a binge reaction to it. Make sense? Kind of like the 'flooding' technique they use with phobic people. I will tackle feeling deserving some other time. Have to put on my thinking cap for something that won't cost a lot.

    Ideas, anyone?

  7. #437
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    OMG! You've opened Pandora's Box. I started buying dresses when I hit 50 lbs lost. I was never very girly, but Primal has totally changed how I feel about being female. Dresses used to be for special occasions only, now I have to wear them on regular days.
    Paula Primal since 9/24/2010
    "Our greatest foes, and whom we must chiefly combat, are within." Miguel de Cervantes

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    MFP username: MDAPebbles67

  8. #438
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    (((Sabine)))

    You are doing good work. Just hang in there and everything will be fine. Things will happen when they are supposed to. This seems to be your time for some thinking.

    /H

  9. #439
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    Well, one, I had a reminder of why I dislike shopping for clothes in general, and two, I discovered I have no need to fear looking 'feminine' or 'good' - it's not happening for a good long while. What was I thinking? That suddenly being below my honey made me a fairy?!? It does not. I am still a roly-poly. (And while I love myself, even my roly-polyness, there is no denying, it is NOT 'the look'.) I have plenty of time to resolve that issue. Note to self: if you need a smack-down, don't bother eating crap. Just go clothes shopping.

  10. #440
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    Ouch! Sorry it went badly.

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