Page 41 of 416 FirstFirst ... 3139404142435191141 ... LastLast
Results 401 to 410 of 4152

Thread: Show, then aid - Sabine page 41

  1. #401
    Sabine's Avatar
    Sabine is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Dallas/Fort Worth Texas
    Posts
    5,194

    Well, shoot. That was bad.

    Shop Now
    Still trying to figure out what to write, but I thought I would commit to actually writing down this afternoon's EVENT, by starting a post for it.(Friday afternoon)

    Coll and PrimalCajun- I'm fine. It's just the eating.

    I do NOT want to write this down. (Now Saturday morning.) I feel like a total idiot. The only way I wrote it in my paper journal was by putting asterisks around it and giving myself permission to ignore it, if i couldn't face it. Then, I felt very angry with myself, and started this post, so that i would be FORCED to come clean.

    But I definitely don't want to. Whine, whine, whine.

    I think I will start off with WHY, instead of WHAT.

    Could I be sabotaging myself? Was the thrill of weighing less than my husband too much? Do I feel that I don't deserve to be attractive and feminine? That's what weighing less than he does means to me.

    I remember when I was a teenager, about 14, I was sitting in front of Sears, waiting for my father. It was when those big, puffy down jackets were popular, and I was wearing mine. Two older teenage boys were walking up to the store. After they had passed me and were opening the door, one of them said to the other, 'I thought it was a guy.' The second laughed in agreement. I instantly assumed it was about me. (Still think it, though as an adult I acknowledge it is not always about ME, and could have been something else. The scene is still vivid in my mind: there was no one else around.) I was crushed. I have a squared face, high forehead, chunky nose. Not the ideals of femininity in our culture. But to be mistaken for a GUY? So humiliating.

    I wasn't comfortable displaying the other proofs of femininity that our culture accepts: T & A, too bad, because I had 'em. But that was too much sexual attention for me.

    So, there I was stuck with wanting to be feminine, but feeling as if I never measured up, unless I was sexual. Have I been feeling that way all these years? To the point I feel I don't DESERVE to be feminine? This makes me sad, just thinking about it.

    I know that along with my abandonment issues, one of the things I like about being a mother is that it makes me feel very womanly. Maybe not feminine exactly, but the cousin to it. The closest I could get, I guess was my reasoning.

    So, I wasn't thinking about all this yesterday when I went CRAZY, but it is the first thing that popped in my head when I asked myself 'why?'. I think I need to do some work on this. I am not going to submit to being unhealthy, over-weight, and out of shape to conform to an unwanted image of myself.

    So, this is WHAT happened:

    At lunch time I kept seeing all the crap the kids were eating. Only this time, i was tempted. Crackers with cheese, yum. Sugary yogurt, smack, smack. Pudding, oooh. I came home wanting to stuff my face.

    I decided I would go with it, and make a primal, high-volume meal, that I could eat, and eat, and eat, and feel gorged on. I did: peppers, sausage, onions, sauerkraut, tomatoes. Delicious and lots of bulk. I ate until I could not eat any more.

    And it didn't work. I started trolling through the kitchen for something, anything else, to stuff in my face, even as my stomach felt packed to capacity.

    And I found it.

    And I didn't stop.

    Not even after I started this post.

    And I felt horrible. But also, somewhat, spitefully, smugly, glad. Who was I showing? And what?

    Not the best of days. But it is over. And I faced up to it.

    And today is a new day(thanks, Scarlett).
    Last edited by Sabine; 04-14-2012 at 04:39 AM. Reason: found the courage

  2. #402
    Coll's Avatar
    Coll is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Colorado
    Posts
    1,464
    That doesn't sound too great Sabine ... what on earth happened? Hope you are ok?!
    Start weight: 225.5 lbs Feb 13 2012. Height: 5'7"
    Primal low: 186 lbs
    Current weight: 227 lbs
    S.T. goals: try thyroid supplementation.
    Goal weight: 135 lbs

    "I shall be telling this with a sigh somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference." Robert Frost.

  3. #403
    theprimalcajun's Avatar
    theprimalcajun is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    1,445
    umm Sabine????? are you ok??? please post when you can!!
    Goal: Don't worry be happy!

  4. #404
    Sabine's Avatar
    Sabine is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Dallas/Fort Worth Texas
    Posts
    5,194

    The plain facts

    Yesterday:

    Up at 5:30
    Vitamins

    8:00 cauli-cheese
    lamb stew
    parmesan
    1/4C pistachios (5gC)

    8:25 shot of ascorbic acid

    2:30 sausage
    peppers
    onion
    sauerkraut
    tomatoes
    basil, oregano, lard

    **vanilla ice-cream(the good stuff) with
    ganache sauce- dark chocolate melted in cream)**

    4:30 **dark chocolate raisinettes**
    **bleu cheese**
    **1/2C dried fruit and nuts**

    8:30 ** strawbery cheesecake(the bad stuff-Sara Lee)**

    Water: 8 glasses

    Bed at 10:00

    A veil shall be drawn over this day.

  5. #405
    Alessandra's Avatar
    Alessandra is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Location
    Amarillo, TX
    Posts
    867
    How are you doing today? Sabotage days happen woman. It's good that you can at least pin point where the trouble comes from. At least so you can get in there and start hashing it out. I hope today brings much happiness to you
    Don't let nobody try and take your soul. You're the original . --Switchfoot- The Original

    GW: 135 SW: 156.8 CW: 156.8

  6. #406
    lopisheep's Avatar
    lopisheep is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Location
    Vancouver, Washington
    Posts
    1,067
    Hey, Sabine --

    Well, the two meals you had look really good:-) A third yummy meal sounds like it probably wouldn't work. I guess my "go to" is cheese." I mean, for me, cheese is NOT a condiment. Know how you feel -- oh, so well.

    Hey, this is totally off the subject, but absorbic acid is a man made vitamin C and supposedly hard to assimilate. Just a thought, but wondering if you got your vitamin C from a natural source if would work. Just a thought.

    Today is a brand new day, and you get a whole new slate on here with your food intake. I should probably start writing mine on here again for accountability. Hmmm!

  7. #407
    Sabine's Avatar
    Sabine is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Dallas/Fort Worth Texas
    Posts
    5,194
    Feeling good physically today, so at least I am not struggling with a binge 'hangover'. Drinking my electrolyte water and planning on being super-aware of true hunger, and crazy-stuff-food-in-my-face feelings (will no longer grace that with the name of hunger, even in quotes).
    I took the ascorbic acid as a way to ward off cravings. It has worked well in the past. And certainly I didn't fall on the snacks at pre-school, which I COULD have done. It packs the equivalent of 5,000mg of Vitamin C, so not sure if I could do that through a natural source. (How many oranges do you suppose that is, just as a point of curiosity?)

    Alessandra, Lopisheep- thanks for your encouragement. I will do better today.
    Last edited by Sabine; 04-14-2012 at 11:57 AM. Reason: stray e

  8. #408
    Coll's Avatar
    Coll is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Colorado
    Posts
    1,464
    Isn't it just crazy how twisted our thinking gets! You are ok girl! We all have bad days and it is what we do after those days that is the important thing! I think it is awesome that you are getting down to the roots of 'why' ... 'what' is immaterial, but 'why' can really help us to grow and mature and get free! You are going to become the best YOU you can be - and that is lean and attractive and yes, sexy. There are so many versions of womanly and feminine that it makes me mad that only a small handful of people get to be 'it'. Everyone of us has our own unique flavour and I bet yours is really special! Who wants to be like everyone else - be Sabine and be good at being YOU! We're on your side Sabine! Hugs to you - have a good day!
    Start weight: 225.5 lbs Feb 13 2012. Height: 5'7"
    Primal low: 186 lbs
    Current weight: 227 lbs
    S.T. goals: try thyroid supplementation.
    Goal weight: 135 lbs

    "I shall be telling this with a sigh somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference." Robert Frost.

  9. #409
    lopisheep's Avatar
    lopisheep is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Location
    Vancouver, Washington
    Posts
    1,067
    That'd be about 71 oranges. I was thinking an acerola supplement where you could get cherries, for example, made into tablets! Yeah, 71 might be a bit much. I imagine it would clean you it if it didn't kill you first:-)

    Quote Originally Posted by Sabine View Post
    Feeling good physically today, so ate least I am not struggling with a binge 'hangover'. Drinking my electrolyte water and planning on being super-aware of true hunger, and crazy-stuff-food-in-my-face feelings (will no longer grace that with the name of hunger, even in quotes).
    I took the ascorbic acid as a way to ward off cravings. It has worked well in the past. And certainly I didn't fall on the snacks at pre-school, which I COULD have done. It packs the equivalent of 5,000mg of Vitamin C, so not sure if I could do that through a natural source. (How many oranges do you suppose that is, just as a point of curiosity?)

    Alessandra, Lopisheep- thanks for your encouragement. I will do better today.

  10. #410
    theprimalcajun's Avatar
    theprimalcajun is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    1,445
    Sabine glad you're ok. Was worried for awhile! Today's a new day. can't change yesterday...its already happened, so move forward. I don't think we should expect to be perfect on this journey. We are only human & if we eat something occasionally that isn't good for us so what? For me this is gonna be a life long thing. I'm changing my whole lifestyle & way of thinking. Am I gonna have an occasional cinnamon twist? You bet. But maybe only once in a blue moon!!! I had one yesterday as a matter of fact! And I sat down & ate it in mindfulness & with attention. First one I've had in almost 4 months. I enjoyed it...didn't worry about what the scale was gonna say (thanks to only weighing once a week!!!) & then promptly put it out of my mind & moved on to doing something else. This is real life & shit happens. Like Coll said its how we move on that counts.

    Again glad you're ok & just keep on keeping on!!! You're doing fine.
    Goal: Don't worry be happy!

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •