okay if we're going to go the "what my mother did to screw up my life" route --- I'll throw my story in the pot.
Lets go back to before she was even pregnant with me......... marriage troubles with already 3 daughters. A husband who liked to go to the bars and had a few girlfriends on the side. She smokes and drinks beer - too much of both. Oooopsy....... Pregnancy #4 happens............. husband freaks out about having another kid --- goes "on a bender" (her words) ........... gets killed in a car accident while she's 3 months pregnant with me. (he wasn't driving, but the driver was drunk) She's a mess, trying to raise 4 daughters alone -- long story short........... years of 12 beers a day --- absent from my life and that of all my sisters. Hate your mother? Oh yes, I've been there.
But now its 52 years later. Mom is 87. She stopped drinking and smoking when I was 15 - but the damage was done. I haven't had much of a relationship with her until recently. She's going blind. No longer drives. She needs help. So I help. Its my turn to be different I think. I could treat her with the same level of indifference that she treated me - but I choose not to. I choose to love her - even though I don't feel love for her. Love isn't a feeling - its an action. I take her shopping every 2 weeks, and I do her bills and read her the mail. I sit with her for a couple hours and talk to her. She has no one else. I mean, I have another sister who is 5 minutes away from her - but she has a very busy life and doesn't take the time to see to moms needs. I do her laundry and lace up her shoes ----- fix curtains --- do whatever she needs. Why? cuz I want her to know what being loved feels like before she passes on. I don't think she's ever had real unconditional love offered to her. So thats what I'm doing. Its not easy --- and some days I really dred going to see her. But I feel God's calling me to do this.
I'm not trying to pat myself on the back.......... I'm just saying that it is possible to see your mother through different lenses if you allow yourself to let go of the pain and anger and disappointment and hurt --- and just choose to love. There is a great deal of self healing to be had by offering to love the person who caused you so much pain.