Primal Journal [v3spera]
I am 26 years old and I have been overweight since I was 16.
I weighed normally as a child, but psychological stress at home - coupled with a new stepmom who obsessed over such things led me to developing an eating disorder. I was taught that I had to be skinny in order to be loved, and it's a notion I am still struggling with. Struggling with an eating disorder for some reason caused me to put on weight!
At some point in high school I grew tired of this...and strangely went the opposite route. I ate to feel better. I was working and financially independent of my parents. My diet was completely up to me and rather uncontrolled. One of the ways I would escape my house was simply to go out and eat!
As weight piled on this really stressed me out. People used to randomly just talk to me, but now people ignore me and I have to go out of my way to get help at the store. Men have left me, knowing how much I was struggling to make it right. I have been terribly depressed and it's often hard to deal with.
I tried Atkins at a young age and dropped a lot of weight. I ended up putting it all back on because I missed eating like other people. I tried it again later in life and found it not only boring but innefective. I have tried counting calories but lost little to no weight - and felt bad all the time. I've tried becoming a vegetarian - several times. My biggest hurdle has been going to the gym for hours like people tell you to do...and it's hard to go when you do not feel well! So of course I just felt lazy.
Eventually I fell in love with the health at every size movement. I decided that I needed to feel like a complete person worthy of love at the size that I am. Since finding out about fat acceptance I have purchased my first swimsuit...intending to get over my fear of other's seeing my body. I have purchased clothes that flatter me...no longer intending to be a size smaller so soon that I can't look nice now. I have started to correct people that try to be nice by saying that I'm not fat. Of course I'm fat! Who cares? It's like getting worked up that I'm blonde. But more importantly I have decided to stop telling myself that I do not look nice enough to do things like chase my niece and nephew around or physical activities with friends.
But feeling better about myself does not solve my health issues. I'm tired of feeling depressed all the time. I found out that both of my parents are now diabetic - and every time I feel my body crash or have to pee too many times I feel scared I've done this to myself already.
Mostly I want to feel better. The vain part of me would like to shop in the same stores as my sister, or not have to worry about my thighs rubbing holes into my pants, or get someone special to really notice and want to get to know me!
I have been reading this site for a little while now - and was able to request the books from my local library. I am reading them now but so far I am in love. I remember crying to my sister out of frustration that somehow I am destined to spend my life fighting for my body for no reason at all. I just want to be normal! This book makes me feel like I'm not some kind of failure, and that a mend is on the way! I am so hopeful. I really hope I can do well.
I have started to eliminate wheat and sugar out of my diet. I'm having a hard time because I live with my sister and her two children. We share a lot of food so there are lots of available snacks that I can't exactly get rid of. I purchase produce through a thing called Bountiful Baskets and have also gotten a Costco membership so I can get better deals on meat.
I work in a kitchen that serves pizza, pretzels, pasta bowls, and breaded chicken of all sorts. I did not try any of it today. I was so proud of myself! When I came home I was suddenly super hungry and didn't feel like cooking up stuff from scratch. But I didn't reach for the chicken nuggets in the freezer - instead I made a better choice. Glutten free veggie patties wrapped in lettuce. Not totally compliant with the blueprint with some ingredients - but better right? When it's so easy to slap some breaded chicken into some hamburger buns and call it a meal I am so proud of myself for not doing that. I made a better choice not because I felt like being fat made me a bad person...but because I really want to feel better in my own skin!
I'm not doing this because people will treat me better, or so that I can look nicer. I am doing this for ME. <3