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Thread: Gravyboat's Log, Stardate 59575.1 page 68

  1. #671
    Spubba's Avatar
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    Ok, I'm gonna be the jerk of the bunch but I worry that you might feel like you were selling out if you tried to 'be like everybody else'. I, like the others on this board, don't see anything 'wrong' with you. I've spent my whole life being a little "different" and I've always been ok with that. But I also don't have a great need to socialize, be accepted or fit in, I'm perfectly happy to be the weirdo loner, so maybe that's where we differ?

    The choir however sounds like a fantastic time. I have often toyed with the idea of joining the community band, I'd just need to pick up a horn again (I have experience). My major problem is that I live in one of these total teabagging douchenozzle red state areas, and I'm leery of socializing because you can say juuuust the wrong thing accidentally and have the entire room staring at you like you just farted. Like the time I was in a cooking class and I forgot to lie, and admitted I believe in evolution. Whoops.

  2. #672
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gravyboat View Post
    Basically, it has felt for most of my life like the rest of humanity is in one big cool club that I'm not invited to.
    Everybody is someone else's freak.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gravyboat View Post
    And for a long time, I had so many issues and was so beaten down that I accepted it and even wore it as a twisted badge of honor. But now I'm ready to have friends, and I'm ready to try to live a somewhat normal life, with, you know, a social schedule and actual human interaction. I am done sitting in my cave by myself with my weird-ass hobbies, savoring my total lack of knowledge of the experience of the rest of society while also crying about how alone I am.
    I feel like this sometimes. I mean, I have a wife and 3 kids, but sometimes I wonder if I have any friends in the world (outside of my wife).

    When I was single and living by myself a long time ago, that did suck. But going out to bars and drinking is not the only way that people can socialise. There are all sorts of special interest clubs you can get involved with (for me, gaming clubs, going to church and volunteering at a youth club were some of my social interactions outside of work).

    Plus, there's more than just IRL friends. Internet peoples can be friends too

    Quote Originally Posted by Gravyboat View Post
    Yes, it feels kinda morally superior to have "risen above" everyone else by being so unique and unconventional, but it's also completely shooting myself in the foot when it comes to relating to others. So, fuck it, I'm inviting myself to the cool club. I have spent my whole life drawing a line between me and other people, and now I'm erasing the line. Because that line is stupid and unnecessary and is actually only hurting me.
    Yeah, you totally should. One problem I *don't* have is a lack of a healthy ego. When we were looking for a church to join when we moved here several years ago my wife (who is more of the 'piglet' personality from the pooh world) was worrying about us being outsiders. But I decided long ago that wherever I am and whatever I am doing, I'm one of the insiders and other people are welcome to gravitate around me if they want.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gravyboat View Post
    Well that's a really flattering theory, but I'm pretty sure it's not true. Of course, I don't really know. All I can see is the fact that no one ever really talks to me, and when they do, they ask the standard questions, and I don't know how to answer them in a way that sounds upbeat and interesting, so they respond with "Oh..." and then look around, trying to find an excuse to walk away. Maybe I'm just talking to the wrong people, but it seems to happen even with "alternative"-type "super accepting" people. Therefore I'm pretty sure I must be a cave troll if I can scare even those people away.
    Actually, I agree with badgergirl. My wife is fairly shy and introverted, and she was amazed to find out as an adult that there were people at her high school that thought that she was aloof and distant. I don't know you IRL but reading between the lines of your posts I suspect that there might be some of that happening with you.

    p.s. The trick about being 'upbeat and interesting' is that you can totally rehearse that. I got bullied a bit when I was at school and developing clever or witty sayings can take you a long way in social situations. Even something as inane a 'not bad for a saturday' is better than awkwardness. One that I cam up with as a way of breaking past the banalities or talking about the weather (I *hate* that sort of insubstantial conversation) is to come up with alternate wordings for things that don't trigger people's automatic responses. For example "What's happening in your world today?". Or you can pretend that that's the question when people are asking you.

    Thinking like that can get to be a habit and can be an easy way of casually showing to other people how awesome you are
    Last edited by magicmerl; 08-13-2012 at 05:04 PM.
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  3. #673
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spubba View Post
    Ok, I'm gonna be the jerk of the bunch but I worry that you might feel like you were selling out if you tried to 'be like everybody else'. I, like the others on this board, don't see anything 'wrong' with you. I've spent my whole life being a little "different" and I've always been ok with that. But I also don't have a great need to socialize, be accepted or fit in, I'm perfectly happy to be the weirdo loner, so maybe that's where we differ?
    Yeah, I have always been terrified of selling out and becoming one of the herd. I clung to any difference between me and other people and even went out of my way to avoid knowing anything they might know about. For example, I stopped watching tv and listening to american music a long time ago because it made me feel smug that I didn't even know what was popular, let alone have an opinion on it. But I dunno.

    I feel right now like life doesn't need to be a dick-swinging contest about who is more different and unique. Being different and unique doesn't make me better. I don't need to artificially enhance the fact that I'm different than other people because I already am, and I'm already going to be no matter what. This year I started going dancing at the club, where they play shitty radio rap and idiots slam shots a lot. Before, I NEVER would have done that. I looked down on it with disdain as "too normal", and patted myself on the back for being so far above those people. But, right now, I feel like purposely depriving myself of experiences in an attempt to feel smug is really dumb and limiting.

    I don't feel like ripping down the limits I have previously placed on myself is selling out. I guess it depends on what you define selling out as. Like I said, I'm not going to start making myself like things I don't actually like. It's more that, before, I had a fear of liking things that wouldn't have fit in with the "so totally unique and different" image I tried so hard to cultivate, so I wouldn't even expose myself to them, lest anyone see me enjoying myself. I felt like I would lose street cred and lose my identity as someone who was unique if I admitted to liking anything conventional at all.

    I feel now that that is a pretty extremist and limiting attitude to take, and especially with being so lonely, I really feel like I have done nothing but shoot myself in the foot. Congratulations, I have officially succeeded at becoming so unique and different that I have nothing in common with anyone anywhere and can't make friends. Fantastic. I want to make friends, though. I know some other people who continue to put walls up between them and the world, and they almost always just seem angry and miserable to me. Just like I am. I don't want to be angry and miserable anymore. And I can't change other people. But I can change myself for the better and become more open-minded, more easygoing, and less critical of myself and others.

    I think that if you are perfectly happy with where you are right now in your life, then absolutely you should keep doing what you're doing. Not everyone needs or wants social contact. I do, though. I always have. So I think it's a good idea for me to stop putting up barriers in my own way. I need to stop being bitter and smug and limiting myself. I'm not going to lose my identity and become a mindless suburban bar bimbo or something by exposing myself to more things. Even if I find something conventional that I like, I'm still me. I'm still going to be different because my internal operating system is different. It might sometimes run the same programs as other people's setups, but inside I am still fundamentally different. And that ain't never gonna change.

    I think when most people say "selling out", they mean losing one's internal identity and becoming a faceless sheeple, indistinguishable from the herd. That is never going to happen to me. I don't think it could even if I tried. So I just don't think I need to fear it as much as I have.

    Like the time I was in a cooking class and I forgot to lie, and admitted I believe in evolution. Whoops.
    Ughhhh. That sucks.

    I think there is actually another feminist choir in southern OH, though. Near Columbus or Cincy. Maybe one of these days if you have some free time, maybe check it out?
    Last edited by Gravyboat; 08-13-2012 at 05:43 PM.

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  4. #674
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    Hey Spubba!

    Re the horn - what do you play?? I'm way out of practice, but I am a French horn player.

    Re believing in evolution... you wouldn't believe what the topic of conversation was yesterday at church. We had a professor of philosophy from YSU come and talk about his favorite topic and research area - hallucinogenics. Yup, we had an hour-plus adult-class talk about the role of hallucinogenics in exploring deep levels of consciousness, how indigenous peoples used such substances, the role of hallucinogenics in modern psychotherapy (like treating PTSD), and an adjunct of collected art from individuals (shamans and western artists) who use art as a medium to try and capture the experience of travelling deep into the subconscious. And the man not only said "hallucinogenics" at least 100 times (in context), he also said "LSD". AND he said that most western folks idea of God is just too limited...

    I just wanted to put that out there so you would know that not every single pocket of every corner of this state is like "Can't say that!", even though I know, know, know what you are talking about - I live in one of those corners myself. I just go to church in some other corner where it is freer....

    Hey Gravyboat! (*wave* to the owner of this place)

  5. #675
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    Quote Originally Posted by Crabbcakes View Post
    Hey Gravyboat! (*wave* to the owner of this place)
    Lol

    PS: Just got home from buying some flannel! I know I said I wouldn't spend money on clothes right now, but I really only have one presentable outfit currently, and if I'm gonna do this choir thing I need some other clothes, y'know? I can't wear the same outfit every single week.. Anyway, they are mens shirts (size M!) and they fit AMAZING. Like, I couldn't have tailored them more perfectly for me. I am shocked and delighted. <3

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  6. #676
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gravyboat View Post
    Lol

    PS: Just got home from buying some flannel! I know I said I wouldn't spend money on clothes right now, but I really only have one presentable outfit currently, and if I'm gonna do this choir thing I need some other clothes, y'know? I can't wear the same outfit every single week.. Anyway, they are mens shirts (size M!) and they fit AMAZING. Like, I couldn't have tailored them more perfectly for me. I am shocked and delighted. <3
    Being from the PNW, I wholeheartedly approve of your flannel purchase

  7. #677
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    Quote Originally Posted by unsuperb View Post
    Being from the PNW, I wholeheartedly approve of your flannel purchase
    I have never been to Portland, but I feel like my heart lives there. Someday I will move there and join my people. I seriously can't think of anywhere I would fit in more. Plus, think of all those hot earthy flannel dykes who keep their own chickens and only eat organic.. Mmm...

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  8. #678
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    I was hoping to see a picture of you in man shirt It's really cool how accepting and excited to have you the choir seems to be. It'd be harder not to join them at this point methinks. Maybe I can join...I have long hair...I think my shoulders are too broad though--that and the beard might give me away. Curses. I s'pose you'll just have to let people like me live vicariously through your awesome happy fun times.

  9. #679
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    Talking

    Hi Gravyboat!

    I'm relatively new to primal, and the blogs, but I've really enjoyed reading through some of your journal. I just wanted to chime in on everyone's thoughts on socializing/keeping friends. I've moved to two cities where I knew noone twice in my life (once from central Ohio to NYC 9 years ago, and most recently to Akron). Both times it's taken me quite a while to build a social circle - still working on it here in NE Ohio, but I feel like it's been so important for me to have friends around me, especially when I've been removed from my family. The best advice I can give you is to lower your expectations somewhat for your friends. I know at first that probably sounds counterproductive, but it's been really helpful for me to accept that not everyone I meet in life is going to be my BFF. I really have only ever intellectually clicked with one person in my life (my husband) and even we have our moments. But I have been able to keep a really great circle of GREAT FRIENDS when I'm willing to sort of accept them for who they are. I've had crafty buddies and running buddies, book club friends, friends who I bonded with over our midwestern upbringings (when I lived in New York). I can have friends that share a passion for my hobbies but maybe don't agree with me on politics. I can have friends that I have great intellectual discussions with over books, but maybe I wouldn't want to party with. IT'S OKAY! And it's okay when friendships run their course. 99% of the time, it's not personal.

    And more than being hard on others, don't be too hard on yourself! Someone will come along that you can find common ground on, if not everything, a few things, or maybe just one! And it doesn't require you being any different than you are right now. I feel like you are on that track, but just wanted to encourage you a little more.

    Hope I don't sound too preachy - I just know from my own experience that it's really easy to become secluded. I'm actually making plans to join a local choir, too. Hoping to make some new friends.

  10. #680
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    Quote Originally Posted by WaylandC View Post
    I was hoping to see a picture of you in man shirt
    Wish granted!


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