Page 63 of 93 FirstFirst ... 1353616263646573 ... LastLast
Results 621 to 630 of 924

Thread: Gravyboat's Log, Stardate 59575.1 page 63

  1. #621
    namelesswonder's Avatar
    namelesswonder is online now Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    MA, USA
    Posts
    12,139
    Primal Fuel
    Do you massage your lobes? I would recommend investing in Vitamin E oil (coconut oil might be good too, I don't really know! this is just what I've read) and taking the 6's out once a day to massage the lobes. Only try to put in a new size after a shower (try massaging in the shower?) when the skin is relaxed. I don't have the money to bother with stretching, but I'd like to get to a 0g someday (I'm at 12-10 right now, depending on the earrings I wear, and I usually keep the same 2 pairs in at all times, second holes are at 14 or 16).
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  2. #622
    Gravyboat's Avatar
    Gravyboat is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    Cleveland, OH
    Posts
    1,204
    I do massage my ears, and use coconut oil for lube when putting the jewelry back in. The thing is that my lobes have a lot of scar tissue, and I think that's partly they're just taking forever to stretch. Also, I've heard that 8 to 6 is the first stretch that most people have trouble with. I've tried giving them more time, but it's been months and I'm impatient, so I'm going with teflon tape. I read 2 wraps every 3 days, but I hurt one of my ears the other day by trying to force the 6 in, so it's a little sore. So I'm going to wait until it's not sore anymore before I do another 2 wraps. I think I'm just going to have to do it this way from now on, since they don't seem to be stretching on their own anymore.

    I'd like to get to .5 or .75 inches eventually, but we'll see what happens. They're still so small right now, it feels like it'll never happen. I have 6, 4, 2, and 0g plain steel plugs waiting for me, and then I'll invest in some actual nice plugs after that. Can't wait to have plugs in that actually look nice and reflect my work, as opposed to these tiny girly-looking ones.

    Blah, I feel like such a work in progress. Ever since I cut my hair, I feel like I'm right back to the drawing board. Like I'm not attractive anymore the way I am, and I have so much work ahead of me before I'm acceptable. I just want to hide for the next 6 months. I'm embarrassed of how I look right now. Maybe I should have left my hair alone until the end. Though it is nice not to have to deal with it anymore.

    _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

  3. #623
    badgergirl's Avatar
    badgergirl is online now Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    Melbourne
    Posts
    3,296
    Quote Originally Posted by Gravyboat View Post
    Blah, I feel like such a work in progress. Ever since I cut my hair, I feel like I'm right back to the drawing board. Like I'm not attractive anymore the way I am, and I have so much work ahead of me before I'm acceptable. I just want to hide for the next 6 months. I'm embarrassed of how I look right now. Maybe I should have left my hair alone until the end. Though it is nice not to have to deal with it anymore.
    While your feelings are your own and I'm not attacking them. This is clearly nonsense from an outside perspective. you look great. you are a very beautiful woman. I suspect you were a very beautiful woman when you began this journey, you're certainly stunning now and I do not doubt that you will look jaw-droppingly fabulous when you're finished. But beauty such as yours does not go change just because of weight/hair/jewellery changes. You're just blessed with a beautiful face.

  4. #624
    Gravyboat's Avatar
    Gravyboat is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    Cleveland, OH
    Posts
    1,204
    Aw, geez. Thanks, Badgergirl. I don't know if that's true, but I appreciate it anyway!

    I think I'm mostly running into the same wall I used to run into before when my hair was short: Boyish haircut with girly clothes looks weird, but my body is still too plump and curvy to pull off mens clothes, and I don't have any right now anyway. The only clothes I have right now are baggy womens clothes and skirts. So I either look frumpy or I look weird. At least when I had long hair, I could wear skirts and look pretty. Now I don't have any go-to style, and my clothes are falling off me and I look like crap. I need new clothes that are actually stylish and fit me so bad, but I can't afford to keep buying new clothes every month or two. So I'm just feeling like crap right now, like I might as well be wearing sacks.

    Also, I was kind of riding on the fact that my long hair was pretty. I feel like I'm nothing right now. I'm not pretty anymore, and I'm not handsome, I just look plain and I'm wearing horrible clothes. I mean, I don't really want to be pretty, but I also don't want to be ugly. Wearing stylish clothes and looking good has always been important to me, and I am just disgusted by what I see in the mirror right now.

    Basically, I have always been kind of scared of being seen as "butch", because my conception of it was always "fat and unattractive". And right now I feel fat and unattractive. And it's making me feel really anxious.
    Last edited by Gravyboat; 08-08-2012 at 03:30 PM.

    _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

  5. #625
    magicmerl's Avatar
    magicmerl is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    New Zealand
    Posts
    3,190
    Quote Originally Posted by Gravyboat View Post
    Also, I was kind of riding on the fact that my long hair was pretty. I feel like I'm nothing right now. I'm not pretty anymore, and I'm not handsome, I just look plain and I'm wearing horrible clothes. I mean, I don't really want to be pretty, but I also don't want to be ugly. Wearing stylish clothes and looking good has always been important to me, and I am just disgusted by what I see in the mirror right now.

    Basically, I have always been kind of scared of being seen as "butch", because my conception of it was always "fat and unattractive". And right now I feel fat and unattractive. And it's making me feel really anxious.
    You are not ugly.

    Feel free to ignore this question if it's too personal, but why did you cut your hair? Because I remember you saying that you were getting creeped out by unwanted attention from guys, so was cutting your hair perhaps a deliberate attempt to make yourself more uninviting to them?
    Disclaimer: I eat 'meat and vegetables' ala Primal, although I don't agree with the carb curve. I like Perfect Health Diet and WAPF Lactofermentation a lot.

    Griff's cholesterol primer
    5,000 Cal Fat <> 5,000 Cal Carbs
    Winterbike: What I eat every day is what other people eat to treat themselves.
    TQP: I find for me that nutrition is much more important than what I do in the gym.
    bloodorchid is always right

  6. #626
    namelesswonder's Avatar
    namelesswonder is online now Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    MA, USA
    Posts
    12,139
    Remember that weird is a matter of perception. Personally, short hair and girly clothes is super cute to me. And what is pulling-off men's clothes anyway (haha...not like that)?
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  7. #627
    Owly's Avatar
    Owly is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    3,823
    Nope, I still think you're pretty. I think the pixie cut really suits your face. I hope you can get some clothes you feel better in, but I haven't seen an ugly picture of you yet!
    “If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” --Audre Lorde

    Owly's Journal

  8. #628
    Gravyboat's Avatar
    Gravyboat is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    Cleveland, OH
    Posts
    1,204
    Quote Originally Posted by magicmerl View Post
    You are not ugly.

    Feel free to ignore this question if it's too personal, but why did you cut your hair? Because I remember you saying that you were getting creeped out by unwanted attention from guys, so was cutting your hair perhaps a deliberate attempt to make yourself more uninviting to them?
    That was part of it. A large part of it. I wanted to be invisible again, and now I am.

    Here's what happened, though: I started thinking about cutting my hair off again one morning, as tends to happen every couple months, and actually started writing out a big "I don't know what to do!" post here. I started listing out reasons I do and don't want long hair, things about gender identity, etc. The same stuff I always think about. Then I started writing about how, on the one hand, I do like the look of long hair and vintage lace slips and stuff like that. But then I stopped writing mid-sentence. Because I realized that, actually, while I do think that looks good, and I feel good about it because I know it looks good, I absolutely hate the idea of being the "pretty one" in a relationship, wearing lacy slips and lingerie. I hide behind it because I know I can be attractive to other people that way. I started thinking about how I would prefer to come to bed with a partner if I knew they would be equally into it either way: long hair and lacy slip, or flannel shirt and boxer briefs. And, quite frankly, there is no fucking question. NONE.

    The more I thought about it, I decided that I have continually preferred to be pretty because I have always been fat, and I didn't think masculine clothes looked good on me while fat. (Even though I think masculine clothes look super hot on some other women who are fat, but no one said this was logical. I have a lot of ingrained self-hatred and anxiety about being a "fat ugly butch" because I used to be teased in middle school, called a "bull-dyke" and such, and also I knew a particularly awful, mean, hideous butch woman in my teens whom I fucking despised, and that was what I thought all butches were, and I refused to be associated with that, so I went hyper-femme for a long time in fear that that's how other people saw me. Etc etc.) Anyway, my body and face really lend themselves to being "pretty". I have sweet round features and curves like a mountain pass. I feel easily desirable when I doll myself up all feminine and have received a lot of positive reinforcement to that end. Also, when I was especially big, I felt like my curves were the only "saving grace" of my body. The only desirable physical attribute that got me attention. Wearing mens clothes covers them up. Which means I am covering up my only physical asset (in my mind), AND making myself look bigger than I actually am, which has always been plenty big enough. And that made me feel miserable in nearly every way.

    But keep in mind that the last time I had short hair and wore mens clothes, I was 300lbs. I was really big. I'm less big now, and I think my body will further straighten out as I lose more weight. And I won't have to worry so much about covering up my assets, because my thinner face and body will be my assets.

    Also, I will need to redo my wardrobe at goal weight anyway. I want to give masculinity a real chance for once, without anything pretty in my closet to fall back on. And even if I want to date boys still, I want them to accept me this way. Strong and masculine and badass, not weak and girly and frilly. I hate the idea of being anyone's femme, and I hate that I keep doing it just because I know it will get me attention and affection from people when I'm lonely. I keep falling back on it, over and over, and it disgusts me. I want to be strong and awesome and I want a strong, awesome partner who will wrestle with me and trade arm punches. I want to get over my deeply ingrained fear of appearing hideously ugly to everyone everywhere just by finally looking as masculine on the outside as I feel on the inside. I want to feel like I can be attractive looking like myself, even if it means no one else likes me and I have to be alone a lot (but that still scares the crap out of me, and so it will take some time and positive reinforcement to get to that point). And I don't want to be artificially weakened by feminine crap for other people's benefit anymore just so they'll like me.

    tl;dr: I decided to cut my hair because I felt I was wearing a socially-applauded costume that didn't represent who I actually am. And the costume started getting too much attention from the wrong sort of person and was freaking me out, especially because it's not even me. And I realize I have some deep-seated self-hatred and anxiety issues that are never going to go away if I keep hiding from them. And the fact that I was getting unhappy and wanting to cut my hair every couple months until I could stuff the desire back down again speaks to how it really wasn't working for me deep down. I have known this whole time that the femme look isn't really me, but I keep managing to justify it because I know it looks good. And that is a pathetic cop-out, so I decided to cut the hair off and put myself in a potentially uncomfortable place again to make myself deal with things. And now I'm uncomfortable. And I'm getting less attention, which is both nice and also terrifying.

    So I have a lot of shit to work out, basically.

    _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

  9. #629
    magicmerl's Avatar
    magicmerl is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    New Zealand
    Posts
    3,190
    Quote Originally Posted by Gravyboat View Post
    So I have a lot of shit to work out, basically.
    Agreed. {gives hug}

    I think that you have a lot of labels to work through. Why do you want to be masculine? Is that a synonym for strong to you? Why not be strong and feminine and badass?

    One way to do that could be to take up kickboxing ....

    p.s. Everyone wears labels. I wear a shirt to work to let everyone around me know that I'm a professional, and thus worth respecting. Dressing like I want to (beach shorts and a t shirt) would garner less respect. So I save that for wearing to church
    Last edited by magicmerl; 08-08-2012 at 06:28 PM.
    Disclaimer: I eat 'meat and vegetables' ala Primal, although I don't agree with the carb curve. I like Perfect Health Diet and WAPF Lactofermentation a lot.

    Griff's cholesterol primer
    5,000 Cal Fat <> 5,000 Cal Carbs
    Winterbike: What I eat every day is what other people eat to treat themselves.
    TQP: I find for me that nutrition is much more important than what I do in the gym.
    bloodorchid is always right

  10. #630
    WaylandC's Avatar
    WaylandC is online now Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    Georgia, USA
    Posts
    614
    Primal Blueprint Expert Certification
    With your personality, you WILL find someone who will accept YOU and they won't mind how you decide to decorate your shell whether it's with long or short hair, lace and lingerie or an old stained t-shirt and gym shorts.

    You said that your body and face lend themselves to being pretty.

    It's okay to be pretty...and you are

    I've been around "pretty" people and within a few minutes of getting to know them wanted to puke. From what I can tell, you wouldn't make me want to puke

    It's cliche and corny but you actually are pretty inside and out. Sure, you have issues but you have the courage to face them down which is another attractive quality.

    You don't give yourself enough credit lady Around here we will keep reminding you of how cool you are to us.

Page 63 of 93 FirstFirst ... 1353616263646573 ... LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •