Gravyboat's Log, Stardate 59575.1 page 57

[Sabine]

Yay! This is fantastic! Great job, Gravyboat! I'm very happy for you. I know you can make it the rest of the way.

[Gravyboat]

Thanks!

My official 50lbs-lost measurements are:

waist	34"
waist at navel	40"
hips	46"
thighs	R: 28"	L: 27.5"
calves	R: 17.5"	L: 17.75"
upper arms	R: 15.5"	L: 15"
forearms	11.75"
wrists	7"
neck	14"

I've lost 5.5" off my waist and 7" off my hips in 6 months!

[namelesswonder]

Congrats!

[Pebbles67]

Excellent! So happy for you.

[Gravyboat]

209 today.

It's probably worth noting that lately I have only been eating like one meal a day on average. Maybe a little nibble of something for dinner if I'm peckish. I don't track calories, but I would guess I am eating 1000 or less per day right now. I'm just not that hungry. I've been getting head rushes when I stand up, though. When that gets particularly bad I eat something, even if I'm still not that hungry.

Yesterday I ate about 5 strips of bacon and 3 small eggs, and then later I had a spoonful of sunflower butter. That just doesn't seem like enough. And it certainly isn't nutritious. I took a multivitamin and a calcium tablet because I was worried my body would start eating my bones or something.

I think I read something about how lack of hunger is normal in ketosis, but that you should try to eat anyway. So I'm going to make an effort this next week to eat twice a day. I just made bone stock overnight, so I'll have chicken soup for the rest of the week. I don't have many eggs left, but I think I'll get some at the store today. I need to go buy carrots anyway.

[Gravyboat]

Feeling completely exhausted today, honestly. Still sore from an overly-strenuous workout a few days ago (and I have postponed workouts until further notice). My lower back is becoming less sore, but the insides of my elbows still hurt when extending my arm fully. I know what caused that: Throwing the head of the hammer away from me with as much force as possible, like chopping down a door with an axe, and then stopping abruptly by jerking my (not completely straightened) arm back against the force. I probably hurt my tendons or something. I won't do that again, and I'm not doing upper body strength training again until that's fully healed.

I went to the grocery store an hour or so ago. Thanking my lucky stars that I wore something nice, because I ran into my (intimidatingly attractive) acquaintance who lives next door and her (intimidatingly attractive) boyfriend, whom I'd never met before. Thankfully I don't think I came off as painfully awkward as I usually do, and hopefully I made an ok first impression, though I know he has already heard all about me, and I don't know how the real me compares to what he was expecting. Probably not favorably.

(Pointless and boring backstory: He is a lifelong friend of my local best friend, and has apparently been asking when he was going to finally meet me. I've actually been avoiding meeting him because I hate hanging out with groups of people who go way back. They just talk about old times and I feel annoyed and bored and outcast. Also, I haven't had the money or desire to go out to a restaurant to get a crappy-but-expensive cheat meal I know I won't actually enjoy, especially with the aforementioned group of longtime friends who will most likely ignore me. The worst is when they do finally realize I'm there and then ask me things like "Uh... Sooo, what do you do?" Nothing, thanks for asking. Just have your damn conversation. I'll just stand here and try to figure out what to do with my hands while you all laugh uproariously about people I don't know. Cool.)

I should probably eventually figure out how to cure my awkwardness around people. But it's hard to pin down because it usually only seems to happen around certain people. It's like, some people I meet just speak a different language than I do. The rhythm of the conversation is always off, and my mind goes blank, and I can never think of a decent response in the spur of the moment so I just say something vapid and embarrassing. (eg: "Haha, cool. Yeahhhh.... So yeah." Oh god, it hurts.) I mean, if I were awkward all the time, I would never have a successful first date. But I've had plenty of successful dates, and plenty of meaningful friendships, and have dated plenty of people I effortlessly connect with. It just seems to depend on the person, and probably a lot of it is how comfortable I am around them.

This acquaintance of mine, I have like zero in common with her, and it seems like she has her shit totally together, and she's tiny and physically perfect, and has a job and a record label, and she's also a nympho and has boys lined up around the block. She's everything I'm not, and it's really intimidating. When I talk to her, all I can think about is how much of a big ugly doofus I am, and how much of a complete failure my life is. And then when I do try to say something about how things are going well for me "Oh yeah, I've lost 50lbs this year! So that's exciting." she just stares at me and there's an awkward pause. And then it's back to "So yeah...." Also, I tried to invite her out to the pool sometime when I saw her on Sunday, and she kind of chuckled nervously and said thanks but she doesn't go to the pool because it gives her a rash. But it must be a lot of fun for people who don't get a rash, though. "Oh.. Okay.. Sorry, that sucks.. So.. yeah."

Honestly I just try to avoid her. Today when I ran into her she politely said that I should hang out with her and her boyfriend sometime, and I said "Oh cool, send me a text or something." I'm pretty sure she was just being polite, and I also hope she doesn't actually send me a text.

[Crabbcakes]

Congratulations, Gravyboat! Woohoo!!!

Re the record exec perfecto-chick... I would rather hang with you. People who have had real-life, serious challenges are always more interesting to talk to - they are simply more real in general.

[Gravyboat]

Thanks, Crabbcakes.

Without going off on too much of a rant about this girl, I guess I would say that she's "real". But.. it's more like she's a giant ball of interesting, obscure, and alternative styles, preferences, and life experiences. I mean, she grew up in a musician household, does a lot of drugs, has a pet snake, shaves part of her head, makes experimental music, sleeps around a lot, etc. Anything you like, or anything that you've done, she either doesn't care about at all and it's pretty obvious that she's bored, or she likes/has done something that's more underground and obscure, and then she has a story about how she totally met someone more important than you once.

It's to the point where these things seem to basically define her personality and cover up a lack of actual substance. Her forte seems to be meeting new people, charming them with how adorable and quirky she is, drawling out a bunch of flat-sounding "Aw man, that's awesome"s, and then giving them her contact info and leaving before they realize she has no more depth than that.

I have hung out with her solo a few times, and she never seems to talk about anything except other people and how she met them, things she did once and how awesome it was, bands, and boys. Everything is "awesome" and "cool".

So I guess maybe she's not that "real" after all. And maybe the problem isn't with me. Honestly, the more I really think about her and try to summarize her personality, the more I realize it's just a really elaborate potemkin village. So I guess I shouldn't feel so crappy compared to her. But still, watching the ease with which she draws in and charms complete strangers just by being tiny, cute, and quirky (I hesitate to say "unique"), it's hard not to feel like a hulking, thick-tongued dullard.

I have plenty of depth, but I'm so quiet around people I don't know, and my answers to basic questions ("So, what do you do?") are generally so terse, that most people never really see it. I don't pipe up about things I know a lot about or find interesting unless I see an opening in the conversation. Generally someone says something that is not entirely correct, or they mention something offhand and say they don't know a lot about it. Well, I do, so I open my mouth and proceed to tell them what I know. Then everyone just stands there and says "Wow, huh.. Cool.." and then they change the subject.

Me not gud at talking, apparently. I hate being in groups of people because it's like every time I speak, everyone looks at me like I have two heads, then they stare at their feet uncomfortably, and then there is a pause after I finish, after which everyone jumps in to clear the air. I'm not saying anything offensive or negative, so what gives? Am I really just that hideously boring and/or weird? Such is the life of an INTP, I guess. I wish I were cute and quirky, but I fear I'll always just be weird.

[Edit] Hm, it just occurred to me that maybe the sphere of my knowledge and the sphere of common knowledge that other people tend to share are just so disparate that other people just literally have no idea how to respond to what I say, just like I have no idea what to say to them about the things they know about. I guess that would explain why everyone always looks so uncomfortable every time I speak. They just have absolutely nothing of substance to add, and so they are uncomfortable with their lack of knowledge of how to respond, not necessarily uncomfortable with me personally.

Still, it makes me feel like a fucking leper every time.

[WaylandC]

"...and so they are uncomfortable with their lack of knowledge of how to respond, not necessarily uncomfortable with me personally.

I'm a smart dude and I'm interested in things that people my age generally just aren't interested in...you're a smart girl and you run into the same things with people you interact with.

When you speak with knowledge it's like giving a blind person sight for a second and they can't process it.

Just keep being yourself. You WILL find someone who appreciates your knowledge and insight. Sometimes it takes a while I know.

Plus, you're too cool to be letting folks influence how you feel about yourself.

[Owly]

Wow, she sounds like a real-life Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

Congrats, Ladybear, it sounds like you're doing awesome.

I'm a little worried about the undereating, though. Maybe eat a little more to put my anxious mind at ease? The head rush thing is making me think you could use a few more calories.

And as another INTP, I totally hear you.