Gravyboat's Log, Stardate 59575.1 page 44

[Gravyboat]

Thanks, Crabbcakes, that was a really beautiful post.

Things are definitely getting better as I get older, and I'm not even that far removed from the past yet. Less than 10 short years ago I was still getting beaten at home. But I've grown so much in the time since then. I think my biggest victory so far was actually earlier this year, when I finally stopped beating the dead horse and admitted to myself that my mother will never change, I will never get the acceptance I've wanted out of her, and it's best to just accept that and stop trying. I've always told myself that before, but some part of me always kept the hope. This time, I let the last ember burn out, and it has been really, really liberating. All that constant pining and wishful thinking and negative self-reflection ("It's just because I'm not good enough") all went away in a puff of smoke, and that was it. Now I'm free.

I still have a ways to go, though, and while some of my learned coping mechanisms are not especially ideal, I really feel fortunate that I've turned out as emotionally healthy as I have. God knows plenty of people just repeat the same behaviors over and over without self-reflecting in any way, or turn to substances so they don't have to think. I'm doing pretty well by comparison. And I've got, what, maybe 50+ years left in me? I know things will only get better and I'll only get wiser. Kids my age always think they know everything, but I know I'm young. I've just started my journey. Things can only get better from here.

And it's really good to hear from someone who's had more years to grow and look back, who can confirm my suspicions that things will improve. I also appreciate your suggestions. I'm not a religious person, so a church setting wouldn't work for me, though I'll admit I've always been jealous of the automatic community people can find there. I think a feminist organization would probably be my best bet, personally. And I'm super looking forward to joining that feminist choir in august. People who share my deepest ideals AND my most longstanding hobby! Can't waaaaiiitt.

Please post anytime, Crabbcakes. I think you are a great human being, and I welcome anything you have to say about anything.

[Gravyboat]

So I ate like 2.5 bowls of chicken soup yesterday, which was probably a bit much considering it's got a ton of butter in it and I kind of oversalted it (blooooaaat). Each bowl probably has around 700 calories. Woke up today and was teetering on the brink of 214.5 and 215. This morning I had another bowl of soup after some squatz because I got super super hungry. I'm not really hungry now, but I'm going to eat some bacon and eggs later if/when I get there. I am concerned re: the amount of vegetables in the soup. I am trying to be hardcore here, and that soup is like 75% vegetables. My EXTREMELY rough estimate on Nutrition Data has it at around 12g carbs per bowl. So I'm just gonna play it safe and limit it to around 1 bowl a day.

In other news, LIFTING WEIGHTS AND SQUATTING TODAY. Done a few sets each of bench press with different grip width, standing dumbbell military press on one foot (why not), and lying dumbbell flyes. Did some leg lifts (so hard!!!!). Done about 40 full squats so far. Later on will be planks and more squatz.

I am really determined to lose 5 additional pounds before Monday. I think I can do it. I'm sucking down as much water as I can to combat possible salt bloat. And if I keep waking up at 5am like I have been, I might even try a sprint or two. (But frankly I am still a little afraid of having an asthma attack, so I have been avoiding sprints)

I will say this for keto: I wake up fucking early, whether I want to or not. This happened when I started out in January, too. Then it went away when I started eating some sugar again, and I was rolling out of bed around 9-10 instead. I like waking up super early and feeling full of energy, and then feeling ready for bed around 10pm. It's nice. For a while there I lost that schedule, and the only thing putting me to sleep was the melatonin. If I forgot or put off taking it, I could (and would) pretty much stay up indefinitely until I took it. Right now I'm still taking it, but I take it because I am tired and feel like going to bed. Then I wake up fully at the crack of dawn with barrels of energy. It's really nice. I want to stay this way. And I think I can, I just need to stay keto.

I'm sad I only figured out what works best for me 6 months down the line, but better late than never, I guess.

[badgergirl]

okay, so I had an idea about this walking thing... Have you considered borrowing a dog? Perhaps even advertising your services in the local area as a dogwalker. I was thinking that my dog gets me out of the house far more often than I would otherwise go and if you were getting paid to walk a hound it'd be a double win, triple if that gave you wiggle room on the treat splurges.

[Gravyboat]

That's a good idea, but I honestly do not like dogs.

[torena]

Hey there, I've only just read your first couple of posts but your thyroid journey reminds me of mine. I found Thyroid Mistreatment, Hypothyroidism Scandals, and Thyroid Treatment Problems | Stop The Thyroid Madness about 5 years ago, realized that it sounded a lot like me, and went off to my PCP. He told me that I was "just depressed" and would do the thyroid bloodwork but I probably just needed to lose weight and take antidepressants. 4 years ago I started seeing an endocrinologist who also teaches at Georgetown, so she's very up to date on current thyroid research, and I am so happy with her. She doesn't believe in that faulty wide range for thyroid function, nor does she work on solely the TSH. Since it's been 6 months I'm wondering what the biggest changes are you have seen since you started?

[Gravyboat]

WHOA WHOA

My weight is down 2lbs from when I got up this morning.

WHAT??

So apparently exercise works pretty well at what it does. Who would have thought? (Answer: Not me)

So yeah, I'm expecting 212 tomorrow. We'll see!

[WaylandC]

I'm sad I only figured out what works best for me 6 months down the line, but better late than never, I guess.

Edit: "I figured out what works for me." And remember, you have that 50+ years you mentioned.

[Gravyboat]

Edit: "I figured out what works for me." And remember, you have that 50+ years you mentioned.

Fair point! In the grand scheme of things, it has not been long at all. And I will reap the benefit for a very long time.

However, I'm only 214 today. So meh. Hopefully it's just exercise bloat. My muscles feel "buzzy" today.

[Gravyboat]

Hey there, I've only just read your first couple of posts but your thyroid journey reminds me of mine. I found Thyroid Mistreatment, Hypothyroidism Scandals, and Thyroid Treatment Problems | Stop The Thyroid Madness about 5 years ago, realized that it sounded a lot like me, and went off to my PCP. He told me that I was "just depressed" and would do the thyroid bloodwork but I probably just needed to lose weight and take antidepressants. 4 years ago I started seeing an endocrinologist who also teaches at Georgetown, so she's very up to date on current thyroid research, and I am so happy with her. She doesn't believe in that faulty wide range for thyroid function, nor does she work on solely the TSH. Since it's been 6 months I'm wondering what the biggest changes are you have seen since you started?

Hi there. The biggest changes I've seen with regards to thyroid issues, hmmm. Well, my goiter, which I'd had for years and was making it hard to swallow even liquids, disappeared in like a week after I started taking iodine. I don't feel so sluggish and hazy anymore, but that could have to do with a lot of things (like weighing over 40lbs less and eating nutritious foods in adequate amounts). No more heart palpitations, which I had pretty much monthly or bi-monthly for years. Skin is much less dry. I haven't used lotion in weeks, where it used to be an everyday necessity. No more swollen ankles, though that's diet related.

I still do have trouble regulating my body temperature, which was always a big issue. Walking from outside into a building which has a slightly higher temperature (or even a lower temperature but no air circulation)? UGHHH. Generally my face turns beet red and I sweat profusely for 15+ minutes. Super embarrassing, not to mention extremely uncomfortable. What else.. I still have super infrequent poops. Which I've decided to come to peace with as just something my body does. It's fine and normal when it does happen, it just only happens maybe twice a week. Still losing hair in giant handfuls, but that also comes with losing large amounts of weight. I'm also growing in new hair right now at an alarming rate (not a good look, having tons of short hairs when you have long hair).

As far as depression/anxiety/low energy/inability to deal with things go, which I'm convinced were entirely hormonal/a result of my body not having the resources to function correctly, that isn't fully fixed yet, but it's much, much better I think. I've had a depressive week or so in the past 6 months, but I recovered, and without medication. The anxiety that used to keep me housebound now does not keep me housebound. My financial situation does. Lol.. I still have trouble sometimes psyching myself up to do things that feel like a lot of work because I fear the feeling of being completely depleted like I used to get. But I am discovering (after forcing myself to do it anyway) that those things actually aren't depleting me nearly as much as I expect them to. My body is recovering!

I'm pretty sure it'll take at least another year to really be on even ground with most other humans, but I'm actually getting better! I seriously never thought I would ever get better. I literally expected to keep scraping by somehow, in a deep, dark pit of terror and misery, maybe for 10 or 15 more years if I was lucky, until such day that I finally succeeded in killing myself. True story. And now, I'm getting better, AND I'm medication-free, AND I'm losing a ton of weight. It's just crazy.

[Gravyboat]

Also, you guys, I just took some more "during" pics today, in the same poses as pictures I had from before. (All naked, and not flattering, so I'm not posting.)

All I can say is: OMG

While I was taking the pictures, I was seriously going "Damnit, they look exactly the same as the old ones.." It wasn't until I actually sat down and looked at the pictures next to each other that I realized the change. It is actually kind of dramatic, particularly in the waist and face, which is exactly what I WASN'T expecting. I mean, I realize my double chin has mostly gone away, and I know that I have lost, what.. 6 inches off my waist? But.. Those are two of the areas on my body I am most nervous about. For my face, I have very narrow features and a tall face. That's why I've (luckily) never really had the big round "fat girl face", just because the length of my face evens it out. But my features are still very small and narrow, and they look even tinier with the fat on my face puffing my cheeks and chin out. So that's always kind of been a disaster I don't like to think about.

As it stands now, my face is still a little fat, but much less so than it was. But that's fine, I am only halfway through this.

As for my waist... I had a very defined waist even before. But I have actually had this unrelenting (and probably irrational) fear that by losing weight I am going to lose my hourglass figure. I'm still kind of scared about it even now. But, I dunno, looking at the pictures..

Essentially, my waist went from } { to ) (

I used to be pretty fat, sure, but my waist nipped in severely. And then nipped right back out again. Now it's much more of an easy curve. I have a ribcage (which still has fat over it, but less than before), then I have a waist, which is not much smaller than my ribcage, then there is more or less a straight diagonal line to my hips (which are still proportionately wide because that's just my bone structure). The curve is much less severe, and it does not look like I'm wearing an invisible corset like it used to.

I was worried that if I lost that "nip" at the waist, I would look less curvy. But, in reality, I just look less fat. I am always going to have wide hips, so I don't know why I'm even paranoid about that. And as more fat comes off my ribcage (it appears to be about an inch thick all the way around), my waist will get smaller too, and so will my hips at a similar or even lesser rate. And it will all be fine in the end. DO YOU HEAR ME, BRAIN? IT WILL BE FINE. STOP WORRYING.

I am concerned that my belly doesn't look any smaller, but I only took front-facing pictures because I simply don't have many old pictures from the side. And it is a well-known fact that: a) lower belly fat is frequently the last thing to go, and b) people with rolls keep those rolls until the bitter end -- they just get smaller proportionately with the rest of the body as weight is lost from everywhere. So I am not going to freak out about that too much.

I AM going to freak out about my hip rolls , because they stick out now even worse than they did... For those of you scratching your heads, I've got a deep fold where my leg meets my torso, and then another deep fold about two inches north of that from where my belly hooks on. What lies between is basically a puffy 2-inch-tall horizontal stripe ventral to my hipbones. If you do a google image search for "hipster panties", that's basically what is going on, only it's a fat roll. Wtf, yo.

So anyway, that stupid thing is even more prominent right now, and I keep thinking to myself "Oh fuck, women always have a layer of fat on their hips, THIS THING IS NEVER GOING TO GO AWAY AND I'M GOING TO HAVE THIS WEIRD FUCKING FAT ROLL FOR THE REST OF MY LIIIIIIIIIFE" And then I throw myself on the floor and have a huge fucking temper tantrum until I'm too worn out to eat dinner and then I cry myself to sleep. Good for weight loss, but reasonably poor as a life strategy. In any case, it has me really, really anxious, because I do not want this thing, and I especially don't want it sticking out even worse.

Anyway, I will say that, overall, I look like someone who is a little less than 50% through losing a lot of weight. Which is good, because that's right where I am. And I look like someone who has lost that weight from everywhere at once. Which is pretty much what I expected. I have NOT lost my waist-hip ratio AND I AM NOT GOING TO, so that's nice. I'm not thin yet, but I look much more like a thin person with an awkward layer of fat laying on top of everything. It basically all looks deflated and like it doesn't belong there now, whereas before my body looked basically firm-yet-yielding, pleasantly rounded, and plump like a ripe peach. Visually, at least naked, I'm not sure I like this better. But, I think, just like with hair length, 'in-between' is the least flattering stage. And I have no intention of stopping, anyway. So I'll just hope that everything looks okay when I get to where I'm going.

I'll admit that I am cringing about having long, deep stretch marks over what seems like every square inch of my body, but I can't do anything about that. And it's not worth regretting getting them in the first place, because there is nothing I could have done then. I simply didn't know then what I know now. Unfortunately, the stretch marks are probably always going to be super duper noticeable. I mean, they're all completely faded, but they still look like scars from a vicious, full-body tiger attack. Oh well. I never had any illustrious notion that I was going to be some kind of hot, flawless bikini babe. I just want a body that functions correctly for once in my life.

That being said, if my breasts decide to get with the fucking program and perk up a little, I ain't gonna complain. (DO YOU HEAR ME, DAMN YOU?? Perk up, you emo bastards!!)