Gravyboat's Log, Stardate 59575.1 page 43

[Crabbcakes]

Hey Gravyboat!

I haven't read all of your journal, just jumped on in the last couple of pages, but glad to hear the little scale-pointer-thingy is moving again!

[Gravyboat]

Hi, Crabbcakes! Thanks, I'm super excited. The last month-long plateau and subsequent Cranky McAsshole cravings-from-hell have not been a fun time, so I'm really glad things are finally happening again. Hopefully this is not just a water weight thing and the scale continues to trend downward, but I know by now that there will always be good weight days and bad weight days. It is still a huge relief to break through the barrier, and hopefully if I can stay keto-adapted the weight will come off faster than it has been.

I mean, the weight came off pretty quickly at first, but since about April it has been one plateau after another, punctuated by chocolate, ice cream, and fruit cravings (which I have been mostly giving in to, at least fruit-wise). Hoping that by getting strict again and not giving into those cravings AT ALL I can go back to pre-April weight loss mode and get things going again.

Fingers crossed! So far, things are looking good.

[Gravyboat]

So I think all my cravings are gone now! I haven't had any today. But in case they come back, and I am unable to say no, I am prepared to go out and buy some Reddi-wip. It does have some undesirable ingredients, but less than 1g of sugar per 2 tablespoons (so basically one "shot"), and the first two ingredients are cream and water. And no oil or anything like in Cool Whip.

I know I could make my own whipped cream, but I have always felt super giddy and indulgent buying a can of Reddi-wip just to eat by itself, and I feel like that may be a large part of the craving, too. What with being so poor right now, I feel like I can't indulge myself, and that's been getting to me.

I don't know if I would consider myself a compulsive shopper, but I definitely get a rush of pleasure from purchasing things, especially frivolous things. Even small frivolous things. Hence why I came home with soap balls the other day when I really didn't NEED to buy anything, and actually I'm already overflowing with soap over here. Buying things (even little things) makes my situation not seem so bad, makes me feel happy and content with life, and makes me feel like a grown-up (especially when I buy pretty decorative housewares).

Lately I've been really wanting to take a little shopping trip to the next town over. There are a bunch of cute boutiques and antique/resale stores that I've never been in before. I wish I had even like $30 to go look at and buy some cute stuff and enjoy a day of shopping, but I can't even afford to take the bus there right now. So I've been trying to get my fix at the flea market instead. Recent acquisitions: A tiny vintage gold filigree musical jewelry box that has a painting of peacocks on the top and plays Fur Elise when you open it - $1. A green glass 1960s swung bud vase - $1. I don't need this stuff. Like, even a little bit. I already have 4 vases and I don't even wear jewelry. But these things are small and pretty and make me happy anyway. And right now, when I barely have two dimes to rub together, little purchases make it seem like things aren't so bad. I am able to buy myself a little treat, and furnish my apartment with pretty things, and it makes me feel like a normal person who can afford to do that.

Indulgent foods have the same effect, which is partly why I was buying that fancy chocolate before. I've never even considered myself a chocolate lover, but they come in pretty packaging and have pristine foil, and they just feel fancy and rich. I would lay in bed at night, all my art and antiques flickering in the candlelight, my favorite intense lit, and tear open that pretty foil and enjoy some dark, satiny chocolate. And I felt like absolute royalty. Even fruit was feeling forbidden and exciting. Especially cherries, which have always tasted especially rich and indulgent to me. So anyway, after I told myself "No more of that! Only meat and vegetables! Nothing sweet or exciting!" I was kind of feeling deprived emotionally as well as physically. While I don't have the money to buy a lot of permanent things, I DO have the food stamps to buy whatever food I want. But then I had to say no to that. And being poor on top of being stringent is making life feel really joyless right now.

I mean, yeah, I buy meat treats for myself. Ground sirloin instead of chuck, for example. But it just doesn't feel the same.

Reddi-wip may not be ritzy and upper-crust, exactly, but I think it would give me that feeling I've been wanting. Without succumbing to huge amounts of sugar and blowing what I'm trying to do. Maybe I can buy some fancy artisan jerky as well the next time I'm at the westside market. Maybe that'll have a similar effect. I'm not sure about that, though.

[Crabbcakes]

I know I could make my own whipped cream, but I have always felt super giddy and indulgent buying a can of Reddi-wip just to eat by itself, and I feel like that may be a large part of the craving, too. What with being so poor right now, I feel like I can't indulge myself, and that's been getting to me.

I don't know if I would consider myself a compulsive shopper, but I definitely get a rush of pleasure from purchasing things, especially frivolous things. Even small frivolous things. Hence why I came home with soap balls the other day when I really didn't NEED to buy anything, and actually I'm already overflowing with soap over here. Buying things (even little things) makes my situation not seem so bad, makes me feel happy and content with life, and makes me feel like a grown-up (especially when I buy pretty decorative housewares).

I SO COMPLETELY get that psychology. Growing up, we didn't have nuthin'. My band participation was paid for by the band boosters charity fund. My date night clothes were borrowed from a same-size cute-dressing neighbor. My school clothes were only those I could afford myself from paper route money. My friends and friends' parents drove me absolutely everywhere. We had food stamps, the government medical card, free school lunches, free school breakfasts, government cheese, government-subsidized apartment, and I didn't learn to drive until 26 (16 to 18 I was in high school, but after that I didn't need one because I was living in a large German city and the public transportation was excellent).

I ADORE doing lots and lots and lots of little things for my girls. I'm not reliving my childhood through my kids, but I know their personalities, and there is no harm in getting a family game or dress-up dress or toy from Goodwill or Hospice or the Salvation Army store that we can play with again and again.

If it gets a little wonky, though, and you are rebuying too much of the same stuff, you might indulge the "bringing it home" thing with library visits. It gets so bad around here that we have TWO full-size bookshelves dedicated to library materials in the living room. Well, we also homeschool, so a lot of that is related to lessons, but still!

I once bought a spray-cream can and ate it all by spraying it into my mouth...

[Gravyboat]

I SO COMPLETELY get that psychology. Growing up, we didn't have nuthin'. My band participation was paid for by the band boosters charity fund. My date night clothes were borrowed from a same-size cute-dressing neighbor. My school clothes were only those I could afford myself from paper route money. My friends and friends' parents drove me absolutely everywhere. We had food stamps, the government medical card, free school lunches, free school breakfasts, government cheese, government-subsidized apartment, and I didn't learn to drive until 26 (16 to 18 I was in high school, but after that I didn't need one because I was living in a large German city and the public transportation was excellent).

Yeah.. My family was not well-off either when I was younger, but more than that, my mom is very tight-fisted with money. Like, to the point of lying about her income. I feel like I remember each instance I actually got anything as a kid, because it was that rare. And then, as a teenager, it became even more rare. And then, after my teens, when I was still jobless due to crippling depression/anxiety and living with my mom, it was basically nonexistent. It wasn't until I moved out on my own that I really had a cent to my name, but for a long time I was still unable to actually leave the house to go buy anything.

The part that pissed me off the most is that she would go out and buy shoes and dresses for herself from fancy shops after getting paid, but god forbid if I needed a new pair of Target or thrift store pants because mine were falling apart or didn't fit anymore. She would stare at me with this incredulous "I can't believe you have the unmitigated gall to ask me for MY money" expression and sigh dramatically and roll her eyes and then say she'd think about it, which meant no. And the worst of this was also during the worst of my depression/anxiety, when I barely even left my room. Well, christ, maybe if I'd had a cent to my name, I would have been more compelled to go out, you think? And maybe if she wasn't such a tremendous asshole to me, I would have wanted to talk to her ever, which is generally what I got yelled at for (avoiding her by only leaving my room after she'd gone to bed -- I could go weeks without getting lectured/complained at/insulted/told I was a disappointment this way).

My birthday was the best time of year because it meant she would buy me some clothes. But then she would bitch about how much they cost, sigh heavily with a pissed-off expression on her face, avoid eye-contact, and tersely remark that I had better take care of these clothes or else I wasn't getting anything next year.

So anyway, it feels REALLY good now to be able to go out and buy little things for myself and have it only be a positive experience of receiving something nice. I went my whole life having to beg for every last thing, and having the joy sucked out of every "victory" by getting threatened/yelled at/insulted. ("You'd better appreciate that fucking ____! And you got that with MY money, so if you don't take care of it, I'm returning it. Don't like it? Tough shit. Maybe if you got off your fat lazy ass and got a job, you would have your own money, and then you could piss it away just like you do mine." etc) So being able to go to a store, buy a nice thing with my own money, and then bring it home and put it in my own house, without getting guilted or screamed at, feels like living in a fucking dream.

And that's part of why not having any money right now feels so bad, and why I am still buying tiny things I don't need. Being broke is transporting me back to that time, and when I don't go anywhere or buy anything because I feel like I can't, I feel just as overwhelmingly stressed out, miserable, and trapped as I used to. So even walking up the street and buying $1 worth of plastic army men or spending $2 for a new bundle of incense alleviates that tension and reminds me that this is NOT back then, and I am still in control of my own life, and I can do anything I want without vicious retribution.

I generally like to think that I've survived my mother mostly unaffected in the end and relatively mentally healthy. But after having written all this out, and after having thought about other things that did not get written out, I can see how my normal thoughts and behaviors are still adaptations or backlash-responses from having grown up around her. I don't know if that's bad or not, but I guess it is a sobering realization that I'll probably never be rid of her influence. That makes me really uneasy and anxious to think about, though, so right now I'm going to instead say "NOPE. Fuck that, I'm my own person, I live my own life, make my own choices, and that horrible woman is not going to take my own identity away from me." So say we all.

[badgergirl]

And that's part of why not having any money right now feels so bad, and why I am still buying tiny things I don't need.

Hello GB,
I'm delurking to add another perspective to this that might help (or it might not, but here's hoping). I, for other reasons but same effects, have absolutely no money right now and I too haunt op shops for tiny treats, or at least I used to. I found that the urge somewhat passed once I realised that it was a craving in part generated by the fact that I have no money. I remembered that when I knew *could* buy things the *need* to buy things felt less all consuming. Once I recognised this urge to splurge (even in a tiny budget-responsible way) on things I ultimately did not need was an instinct to fight perceived resource famine rather than a true desire, I was able to ignore it more often. Now I save my op shop splurges for things that I do not have rather than multiples of things I do, no matter how pretty (my weakness is wrap dresses). Finally, like eating carbs, for me feeding the small treat urge only creates a bigger urge in its wake. I do think our mental kinks and patterns on consumption of all kinds tend to take similar forms - at least I have observed this in myself - so living on a tight budget is like a low fat diet in that self-denial creates cravings. Right, I'll go back to lurking now. Only, thank you for writing and a really heartfelt hug for coming so far and doing so well. I think you're inspirational.

[Gravyboat]

Hi, badgergirl. I think your comparing poverty to a restrictive diet is pretty appropriate. Feelings of deprivation definitely lead to cravings for more. I hope that this realization will help me to overcome it, especially as I have no worries about paying my bills or being able to eat well. I just don't have money for ANYTHING ELSE. And, honestly, by buying little trinkety things, I am just making my financial situation worse. If I just sat on that money instead, and built up a pad, I'd probably feel even better in the end.

The other part for me, though, is that I am trying to get out more, and it almost feels meaningless to go out if I have no money to spend. A friend suggested that I walk to the park or something and just hang out, but I feel like I can hang out just fine at home, so the motivation just isn't there. But if I say to myself, "Walk to the store and you can buy a little trinket!", suddenly it seems very compelling, and usually it does get me out.

Is it worth fighting that when I know it works to get me outside? And I still honestly feel like a life without buying things is a life without joy. Thanks a lot for that, capitalist economy/mom.

I think you're inspirational

Lol, I don't feel like much of an inspiration. I just feel like a person with a lot of problems who talks far too much.

[Sabine]

I have a similar issue with walking. Unless it is in a nature area, I don't like walking JUST to walk. I want to be GOING somewhere. So now I walk to the grocery store, the bank, the post office. Money I would spend anyhow at the grocery store, mailing a letter is only 44 cents, not bad, and when I go to the bank, it is usually to GET money, score!

[Gravyboat]

I have a similar issue with walking. Unless it is in a nature area, I don't like walking JUST to walk. I want to be GOING somewhere.

Exactly. I do it because it's necessary to get places, not because I enjoy it. I mean, I'm extremely heavy and my thighs rub together, is it any wonder I don't like it? So unless I'm going to get something out of it, forget it.

I've been trying to use excuses to go to the grocery store lately. I walked several miles the other day to go buy chickens at the butcher shop, even though I could have bought more-expensive ones the day before without an extra trip. And I went out for ketchup (walked to the further convenience store for the novelty and skipped the nearer one) even though I probably could have gone without it. Sometimes I go to the store just to buy an onion or some bananas (not anymore!). It's not an especially long walk, but it does get me out. And I suppose I could go to the grocery store that's farther away in the future, but then we get into "Do I REALLY want to walk that far for something I don't REALLY need right now?" territory.

[Crabbcakes]

I generally like to think that I've survived my mother mostly unaffected in the end and relatively mentally healthy. But after having written all this out, and after having thought about other things that did not get written out, I can see how my normal thoughts and behaviors are still adaptations or backlash-responses from having grown up around her. I don't know if that's bad or not, but I guess it is a sobering realization that I'll probably never be rid of her influence. That makes me really uneasy and anxious to think about, though, so right now I'm going to instead say "NOPE. Fuck that, I'm my own person, I live my own life, make my own choices, and that horrible woman is not going to take my own identity away from me." So say we all.

Fortunately, my mom was the type to sacrifice her last breath for her kids for a real need, so I didn't have any of what you describe - she was just always bummed that she couldn't do more. Nevertheless, I, too, have a childhood "history" of mind-blowing crap - like your history, regarding a parent, and like you, childhood-long. I like your bolded statement. When I left home at 18, I said to myself: I REFUSE TO BE A LIFELONG VICTIM. (INSERT NAME) W-I-L-L N-O-T W-I-N!

You have done the healthiest thing possible by asserting your power, and identity, and your right to change your life, and just all of it!!!!

The backlash-y, PTSD-y, knee-jerk responsive, adaptive stuff... you and I can't help feeling that. Parents are supposed to be healthy, and whole, and caring, and loving, and models of proper adulthood, and all that stuff. You and I got the short end of the stick, and when we were innocent and dependent and developing and supposed to be filled with healthy attitudes, we were filled with hurt and hate, and that shit sits chemically and neurologically in the brain. It can't help but come up.

I have a few years on you, so I am able to tell you this - it DOES get better with time and maturity.

You have done the most important thing: stood up for yourself and have asserted your right to be your own person and gotten the hell out of there. I think your next step is to get around some loving people (whenever you feel ready for this). I went with a very conservative church known for its utter devotion to family values, and 99% of the time, these people lived out their creeds - it was very healing for me, because I got to see first hand what healthy families are SUPPOSED to look like - until then, I hadn't had a blessed clue! The only reason I mention church, is because that is generally where one finds ready-made community in this culture. If you have others, it would also work, like volunteering at a Y program, or other group dedicated to positive values (that has been around long enough to have proven itself...).

Somewhere along the line, you will meet some young thing, as young as you are now, and see the same kind of hurt, and be able to tell her that it IS possible to climb out of the shithole - because you will have done it.

One of the biggest helps in my personal journey is to be able to turn around, look behind me, and tell others: Yes, it can and does get better. Traumatic events of all kinds never really go away completely - they are a part of who we are and how we got here; but they don't have to control us. In time, you will be able to mostly choose how and when you remember stuff - and it will be in the service of empathizing and helping others.

I'll check back here... dumping all this crap pain is good... at the very least, you will find out that you are not alone in your experiences.