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Thread: Gravyboat's Log, Stardate 59575.1 page 38

  1. #371
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    Back down to 219 as my period winds to a close. But I'm still super squishy. Getting kind of impatient for the drop that should be happening any time now.

    Emailed my therapist today. I haven't seen her for about a year, but I think it's time to start going again. Now that I'm not stagnating anymore, I'm running into new obstacles that I am not really sure how to face.

    For example, I'm rapidly becoming not-huge, which means I am losing my dating gimmick. I mean, there is a whole community out there of chubby chasers who are so into fat girls that they have been willing to put up with my mental illness and general weirdness over the years. Now I'm emerging (or about to emerge) into the "real world". I'm no longer confined to a small subculture where, frankly, my looks easily outshone the competition. Now I get to compete with everyone. That is terrifying. I'm still pretty big, I don't have a job, I don't have a degree, I'm poor, I don't drive, I still have anxiety and energy issues at times, I have a weird diet, I'm a little too excited about my cats, I have strange hobbies and interests, I have very unique longterm goals that would scare most people off... etc etc. Ironically, by losing weight, I have given up my only advantage. Now I'm basically on the very bottom rung, and it sucks. I was a really good-looking fat girl. I had a niche that I could do well in. Now I'm a dumpy-to-average-looking weird woman. I no longer have a niche, I'm just weird.

    Same goes for basically everything else in my life right now: I'm stepping out into the real world for the first time and have to start at the bottom of the ladder. I lost a bunch of years of my life and I'm just starting now. Everyone else is above me. Everyone else has interesting shit going on, they have degrees and friends and careers and cars and all sorts of fun things. I have an empty resume, non-existent social skills, and worms.

    So.. I think it's a good time to go back and see my therapist. Before, we were mostly working on trying to get me to shower, check the mail, and eat every day. And I'm sad to say that it was mostly ineffectual. I still struggled even to get out of bed most days. And apparently she told my dad (who also saw her for his own therapy) that, in her opinion, based on what she could see, I would never be a productive member of society and would never live a normal life. I mean, that's probably the worst prognosis you can get from a therapist, and I got it. But, now that I am doing better --- SOLELY THROUGH DIET CHANGE, I might add, which still seems kind of incredible --- I feel like we can cover other topics now, like how to make friends, forming realistic goals for the future & realistic expectations of myself based on my new abilities, and mourning the loss of a bunch of years. And this time I think I will be in a place where our sessions will actually be helpful.

    Also, her main strength as a therapist, I have found, is her ability to see positive traits in me even when all I see is a pathetic, pitiful, contemptible slob who can't do anything right at all and would honestly be better off dead. And I could really use some ego boost action right now, as the reality of my social standing truly sets in.

    _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

  2. #372
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    Huh. Well, I went to see my therapist today. I was surprised I was able to get in so quickly, but she emailed me this morning saying she had an opening so I went "...Ok!" Anyway, it went well.

    Heat wave started waving today, and will keep waving all through this weekend. It went up to 100 today. Tomorrow and saturday are supposed to hit 103. I was going to go farm tomorrow, but... yeah, I'm thinking no. Especially because my thighs got chewed up today from walking while sweaty, which means I would need to wear pants, and the only pair of pants I have are thick, stifling, tight denim through which no air will pass. That ain't happening in 103-degree weather.

    Oh, and I bought a D&D 3.5 manual (in really good condition) at the used book store today for $8! Score! I also bought 'The Vegetarian Myth', by Lierre Keith. I saw an interview of her on Youtube and thought she was wonderful, so I'm excited to read it.

    I didn't see anything Primal/Paleo/Gary Taubesian at the bookstore. Which is sort of good, because that means either people aren't throwing out their copies (and so people are actually reading, learning from, and keeping the book around so they can loan it out to friends), or other people are snatching them up as soon as they're put on the shelves. I was hoping to snag a cheap book or two for myself, though, so I was a little bummed I didn't see anything.

    I am really happy I found that D&D manual, though. Do you know how expensive those things normally are? Hint: Really expensive.

    _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

  3. #373
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    You are not dumpy-to-average looking, silly. You are quite lovely.

    I'm glad you're seeing your therapist again.

    Yay for cheap D&D books! Those suckers are ridiculously expensive.
    “If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” --Audre Lorde

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  4. #374
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    I have to wonder why you are seeing THIS therapist again, as:
    the therapy was 'mostly ineffectual';
    the therapist made remarks about you to your father(from your comment, it sounded like it was during his therapy) which seems wildly inappropriate to me;
    and lastly,
    you feel that her thinking you are/would be a unproductive citizen and unable to live a normal life fits into the category of 'seeing the positive side of you'. What?!?

    Of course, I end up posting this after you have already gone to see her. Poor timing. Hope it was worthwhile for you, in whatever way.

  5. #375
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    Hi, Sabine. The therapy was mostly ineffectual because I was essentially an animated corpse. I could barely get out of bed. I'd go weeks without showering. I missed tons of sessions because I could not leave my house. I barely ate because I didn't have the energy even to get up and microwave something. Then I would run out of food and would not be able to leave my house to go buy more. My sleep quality was horrible, and I had no sleep schedule whatsoever because my body was completely unable to regulate itself. On the occasion I did actually get to therapy, I was usually so hungry and exhausted that my vision usually faded in and out and I could barely do anything but cry. Etc. There is nothing psychological that could have helped me in that state. It wasn't because she was a bad therapist, it was because there is nothing that could have helped.

    What she said to my father was fine with me. For one thing, I signed a release (which was my idea, not hers) saying she could talk to him about me, largely because he was struggling with my "condition" too. He didn't understand what I was experiencing and didn't know how to help. I figured she could help him understand my situation, and that in turn would help me, because someone close to me would know better what I was dealing with and how to help.

    Secondly, it was actually a huge relief to me at the time to hear that there was no hope. My family was, at that point, convinced that I could somehow snap myself out of it, and they were rude, impatient, and completely unsympathetic to the difficulty of even small, trivial things for me. A normal person doesn't think twice about getting out of bed, taking a shower, brushing their teeth, leaving the house, and living life. For me, even just thinking about doing even one of those things was enough to cause full-blown, weeping panic. For a while, the only way I could go outside was to disassociate. It was really, really bad, and no one around me understood anything about what I was experiencing. They thought I just wasn't trying hard enough, needed more motivation, and they would roll their eyes and express their disappointment. Disappointment in the absolute best I could do.

    My mother tried several times to pull the rug out from under my feet, because she felt the prospect of homelessness should motivate me to try harder. So there were times that I could barely get out of bed, could not feed myself, desperately wanted to die, could not bear to be seen by human eyes without weeping in terror, and then also had the prospect of eviction hanging over my head. In order to motivate me to get a job.

    So, having my therapist, who knew me and my situation pretty well, tell my closest relative to give up hope because I really was that badly off, was actually wonderful from my perspective. Because finally they started to take my situation seriously, and think that maybe it was not just something I could shrug off. Finally I got some understanding, and they realized that it really was a huge deal for me to, say, do laundry (which only happened 2-3 times a year because it terrified me). After that, the eyes stopped rolling and I felt actually accepted and understood for what I was: someone in very, very bad shape, who was trying very, very hard to even do the bare minimum for survival.

    I can understand why, from the descriptions, she might sound like a crappy, horrible therapist. But actually, she's great. If I tell her I am trying the hardest I can, she believes me. If I tell her I should be able do things that are, frankly, beyond my reach, just because other people can do them, she reminds me to be realistic. That other people have not had the issues I have, and so I should not hold myself to the same standards. That I shouldn't judge myself based on what other people can do, etc.

    Anyway, I'm sure most people don't want to hear that they suck, but I was really useless, and I knew it. I couldn't do anything, and I felt absolutely miserable every single day. I felt my parents' expectations pressing down on me, and I felt guilty and lazy and useless and horrible. So, in my situation, it was actually a relief to hear that someone else could see exactly how bad my situation was, and didn't expect anything out of me, presently or in the future, except for me to accept myself. She was really the first person to actually accept me fully just the way I was, and she passed on a very accurate picture of my situation to my dad, who is now very supportive, and understands the magnitude of everything I do. He now tells me regularly how proud he is of me, and how far I've come, and because of that, I don't feel like a giant letdown anymore.

    _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

  6. #376
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    Wow.

    Talk about perspective changing things. I had no idea how far you have come. You are doing fantastic! And, I see where you are coming from with your therapist. She must be ecstatic over the changes in you, just through diet.

    Makes me realize how lucky I am, too. I have been having what I considered a 'bad patch'. Need to go smack myself and enjoy life.

  7. #377
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    She did seem very excited (and probably surprised) that I am doing as well as I am. She remarked that she remembered essentially begging me even just to eat once a day. Because, at one point, even that was beyond my ability. Now I'm eating multiple home-cooked, from-scratch meals every day. I've been sleeping on a schedule nearly every night for the last almost 6 months, so getting up in the morning and sleeping at night, which was previously impossible for me to maintain for more than a few days at a time. I've been able to leave the house with generally no more than a twinge of anxiety (though it is still hard to motivate myself to get dressed and ready to go sometimes; I still end up dragging my feet when it comes to taking showers). And I never go days without food because I'm too anxious to go out to get more. If I need an ingredient, I throw on clothes, walk to the store, and buy it. I might groan and complain about it, but I do it.

    So, the stuff I can do now is still below the level of what normal people can do, but it WORLDS AWAY from where I was before. I used to just know and expect that I would get dangerously close to suicide a couple times a year. Like, on-my-way-to-fill-the-tub-to-drown-myself close. The-only-thing-keeping-me-from-walking-to-the-garage-right-now-is-gravity close. Now, for the first time, I don't see that in my future anymore. Things are going up, and are going to keep going up. That is new and wonderful. So I know I still sound pretty lame sometimes, but oh my gosh, it is hard to explain how much better I am now than I was before.

    Primal Blueprint: saving lives!

    _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

  8. #378
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    Gravyboat, it's so amazing what a relief it is to have someone recognize just how bad things are sometimes, isn't it? I know when I had my big crash, having my therapist recognize that just feeding myself and going out of the house was a big achievement made me feel so much better. I felt like a useless lump, and you know how much it helps your recovery when all you think about yourself is hateful things. Having someone tell me I wasn't a failure, just a really depressed person trying to survive--I couldn't believe how helpful it was to have someone else see that and say it out loud so that I could start seeing it in myself and give myself some compassion.

    I know we don't have exactly the same issues, but I know at least a little bit of what it's like to have been in that place and start to surface. So glad you are doing better.
    “If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” --Audre Lorde

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  9. #379
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    Owly: That's it exactly. Having that validation and acceptance in your darkest hour is the absolute best thing you can receive at that point. Having someone tell me I wasn't just lazy and unmotivated was like being told I'd just won the lottery. The immense feeling of relief, gratitude, excitement (that someone actually understands you for once), and overwhelmed weepiness.. it's the exact same.

    _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

  10. #380
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    218 today. Only ate one meal yesterday because I wasn't hungry for dinner. It was just tooooo hot out, and tooooo humid.

    Took 5 drops of iodine before bed and peed sediment again today. Have been eating 2-3 brazil nuts a day for selenium. It seems that not eating much + iodine + selenium - other supplements = peeing out bromide. I noticed this happening a week or so ago (when I stopped taking all supplements and wasn't eating much), and it was nice because after several days of peeing dusky pale yellow, my body smell was different. And by different, I mean better. I still have pretty pungent BO issues, which I think has to do with my body being a giant bag of bromide. I had to stop using olive leaf extract as deodorant, because it was staining my shirts green. And I still try to avoid using conventional antiperspirant, though I use it on super-hot days I am going to be wearing a sleeveless shirt in close proximity to other people. It's a courtesy thing. But most days, I don't put anything under my arms, and there is some definite stank. Hopefully I can excrete more of this crap so I don't stink so bad.

    I didn't go farm today or yesterday. Yesterday because I slept until 9 and it was hotter than hell, and today because I woke up at 6:30 but saw a giant storm front heading in on weather radar. Since I have to walk, and this is an outdoor thing that has to do with dirt, I figured it would be prudent to not go.

    Of course, now it looks like we're barely going to get anything, because the storm front is disintegrating just as it's getting to us. That's always how it goes.

    I will still try to get out today (saturday), and I think I'm going to the flea on sunday. And I'll still go to therapy on monday. So hopefully that will still count for something, even if I didn't go volunteer.

    And now BRB MY STOMACH IS CAVING IN, NEED BACON AND EGGS

    _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

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