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Thread: Gravyboat's Log, Stardate 59575.1 page 37

  1. #361
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    Primal Fuel
    Urghhh. I need to go out to Pride but I'm bloated and on my period and, frankly, nervous.

    Washed my clothes last night, though, and exfoliated all the goofy sunburned skin off my chest today (baking soda works so well for that). Just ate a big bacon and egg breakfast, also. I'll probably head over in like an hour. It goes until 8, and I already missed the parade, so whatevs.

    Blah, I wish I felt less sluggish.

    I also wish I wasn't going alone.

    _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

  2. #362
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    If we lived in the same city, I'd totes hang out with you at Pride.
    “If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” --Audre Lorde

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  3. #363
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    Well I went and got proud. I nearly didn't because I have bad cramps and nausea today and spent the morning on the toilet.

    I hate to say this, but I'm not sure it was worth it. I mean, I got out and got some sunshine and exercise, so that's good, but I was lonely and bored, and near the end I felt like I had heat stroke. I was extremely dehydrated, but I didn't want to spend $2 on a bottle of water. At first I just had severe cottonmouth, but then I started feeling extremely tired and weak and dizzy. So I did end up buying one, grudgingly. I didn't end up feeling any better until after I got out of the sun and into air conditioning though.

    So yeah, it kinda sucked. I walked around the whole setup about 4 times. I didn't see anyone especially lust-worthy, but I saw a lot of couples. Eventually I sat near the entrance and played my favorite game (gay edition), where I look at all the couples I see and try to imagine what their sex must be like. Sometimes it's gross and sometimes it's hilarious. Mostly it's just gross, though.

    I was planning on staying for all of Pride, but honestly I was just too bored and too wiped out to stay. And frankly I just was not having a great time. A couple people chatted with me briefly, but only one person hit on me: A creepy old guy. AT PRIDE. I GOT HIT ON BY A CREEPY OLD STRAIGHT GUY AT PRIDE. I wish I were kidding. I am so tired of this. In standard creepy guy fashion, he made the usual reference to my "husband", which then puts me in the position of having to say "I am not married", which then confirms that I am "good to go" and they can continue hitting on me. Usually I think this is sad, uncomfortable, and annoying, but this time I was just pissed. I told him pointedly that I am gay. And he actually seemed surprised. AT PRIDE. CREEPY GUY WAS SURPRISED THAT I AM QUEER WHILE AT PRIDE.

    I am still angry about this. Not so much about being hit on by yet another creepy old guy, because that happens ALL the time, but because I am being mistaken for straight EVEN AT A GAY PRIDE EVENT. I mean, FUCKING SERIOUSLY??? Apparently I possess some sort of blindingly hetero aura that is so intense it makes it seem perfectly reasonable that I just wandered, lost and confused, into Pride. Like, by accident. Because I'm sooooo straight. Just shove the dicks in my mouth. Gargle gargle. I love it. So straight.

    I AM SICK OF THIS. SO, SO SICK OF THIS.

    _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

  4. #364
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    Maybe you should just look on the bright side that our society has come so far that it is completely normal for a straight gal to attend Pride.
    And, let's face it, creepy old guys are going to hit on you no matter where you are. And be surprised that you are ANYTHING that is not thrilled with them.

  5. #365
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    Blah.. I don't know, I'm just really sick of creepy old dudes aggressively hitting on me. 90% of them are missing teeth, even. Sure, at first it was hilarious. Now it's not. It keeps happening, over and over and over, and I am feeling more and more defensive, offended, and irate. It's especially sucking the joy out of going to the flea market.

    I am not that angry when it's guys my age. Yesterday, I had at least 3 guys (that I saw) craning their necks, raising their eyebrows in appreciation, and going "Daaaamn" under their breath. I was not interested in them, but they each looked like normal, average dudes, and they did not try to approach or harass me, so I took it as a compliment. Granted, I still find it irritating that all the attention I ever get is male, but they weren't being disrespectful.

    It especially boggles my mind because I have hairy legs, I don't wear makeup, I don't wear jewelry, I don't wear heels, and most of my clothes are from the thrift store. Yesterday I wore tight (because I was bloated) green skinny jeans, a brown shirt, brown ballet flats, and a straw hat. I was not wearing anything that I would assume would get me attention from dudes.

    I guess I had high hopes for Pride. I was even hoping I might meet someone. But the only people who talked to me were a couple, a gay guy, people trying to get me to sign petitions, and an older woman with the local feminist chorus, which I am hoping to join (excited about that!). And one very pretty girl who looked right at me with a smile while I was walking past her and said "Hi". I became flustered and blushy and said "Hi" back hurriedly. And then she was gone. She was on her way out of Pride and also she was with someone, so I did not run after her. Maybe I should have.

    I'm sure I'll meet someone eventually. The feminist chorus is doing auditions in august, and the woman I talked to said she would also pass on my number to one of her friends who is starting an at-risk-youth gardening thing. I have not received an email back about the Ohio City Farm gig. I should email again this week. Also, the guy at the gay pet store told me about a lesbian bar in my town that I didn't know about.

    So yeah.. I'm sure I'll meet someone eventually. Hopefully before I go insane. I've been having crazy-intense sex dreams all week and I'm still feeling really starved for human contact. I'm still trying really hard not to just give up again and go date guys. I haven't talked to that guy from the flea market since thursday, and I made sure to tell him I am into girls.

    Blah blah whatever. I am just feeling really grumpy and lonely and undesirable to my target audience. Also feeling kind of tearful about it, probably because I am on my period. I don't know what it is about me that is apparently so unattractive (aside from my novel-sized journal posts full of worms and whiny angst). I don't feel depressed in the same way that I did before, but I do feel very unhappy, hopeless, frustrated, and unattractive. And I kind of feel like I'm going to cry, so I'm off to go distract myself somehow before I do.
    Last edited by Gravyboat; 06-24-2012 at 09:24 AM.

    _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

  6. #366
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    If it helps, lefty choirs are good places to meet queer ladies. If I wasn't in a relationship, there are a couple of women in my choir that I'm pretty sure would be into a date or two. I think the choir thing is great because you get to know each other more, so you can be more clear about your orientation than people might assume just looking at you.

    Sorry about the period misery. I totally get where you're coming from on that. Things that I can normally deal with just fine at other times feel so absolutely overwhelming.

    As for creepy old dudes, I will definitely join you in the WTF?! category. I don't know what it is that makes certain men feel so entitled to skeeve on every woman they can. I try to be kind and polite to everyone, and so I'll end up being pleasant to some stealth creeper and then end up practically having to scrape him off to get myself out of the situation. I wish I was better at just saying "fuck off" to them.
    “If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” --Audre Lorde

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  7. #367
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    Quote Originally Posted by Owly View Post
    I try to be kind and polite to everyone, and so I'll end up being pleasant to some stealth creeper and then end up practically having to scrape him off to get myself out of the situation. I wish I was better at just saying "fuck off" to them.
    I'm totally the same way. If someone in public gives me a compliment, I smile brightly and say "Oh! Thank you!" Which is all the opening they need to swoop in and start creeping on me. It's like "Dude, I am not flirting with you..... I'm just a nice person." I find it hard to tell people irl to fuck off even if they sorely deserve it. After all, I'm a woman, and I've been socialized to smile nervously and hope that they just stop on their own. It's so stupid and I hate it.

    On the plus side, I've been singing this all morning. I can't wait to join the choir! I've never had the confidence to sing for a band, but I could definitely do a choir.

    _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

  8. #368
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    I love singing with choirs. It's like playing team sports, but with nerds.
    “If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” --Audre Lorde

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  9. #369
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    I'm mostly excited because I'm actually going to be able to share one of my favorite things in the world with other people. I sing ALL THE TIME alone in my apartment, mostly to my cats. I don't feel comfortable saying this, but I have a really decent singing voice. I almost never sing in front of other people, though, because it's just not something people do in our culture. So it's going to be really fun to be able to sing with others.

    I've thought in the past about wanting to join a band or something, but I have no idea how one does that, and I'm not sure I'd be very good at writing lyrics. This choir thing also seems like a decent opportunity to get some informal vocal training for free, which I am down with.

    Confession: I would absolutely LOVE to take opera lessons, but I have never been able to afford to. I sort of doubt I will ever be able to afford to. And that makes me very sad, because I really want to.

    _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

  10. #370
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    If you ever get the chance, do. It is really, really awesome.

    I was a voice major once upon a time, but dropped out because juries were the most terrifying thing ever for me. I love singing with choirs because I feel supported, so even as a soloist I don't feel anxious like I do if I'm all by myself on a stage, especially in a dark, nearly empty theatre with examiners way out there grading every note.

    It's weird, I can speak in front of a room full of hundreds of people, but singing just feels so much more like baring a really vulnerable part of myself, and being evaluated on it that way was just...awful.
    “If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” --Audre Lorde

    Owly's Journal

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