Page 13 of 93 FirstFirst ... 311121314152363 ... LastLast
Results 121 to 130 of 924

Thread: Gravyboat's Log, Stardate 59575.1 page 13

  1. #121
    Pebbles67's Avatar
    Pebbles67 is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Mid-Hudson Valley New York
    Posts
    9,064
    Primal Fuel
    So sorry to hear about your landlady. She sounds young.

    Hope you got some rest.

    Flylady has some great free downloads to help with home organization. I guess I should get started on her plan again.
    Paula Primal since 9/24/2010
    "Our greatest foes, and whom we must chiefly combat, are within." Miguel de Cervantes

    Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Weight Loss Tools
    MFP username: MDAPebbles67

  2. #122
    Gravyboat's Avatar
    Gravyboat is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    Cleveland, OH
    Posts
    1,204
    I just got home from buying cat food. Walked 2 and a half miles round trip (I had to take the bus part of the way home because I felt so physically and emotionally dead and my thighs were chafing). I was so tired that the walk didn't seem real. I'm home now and feel so weak and exhausted that my hands are shaking. Going to bed in a minute.

    _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

  3. #123
    Spubba's Avatar
    Spubba is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Ohio
    Posts
    567
    Meep. Feel better Gravyboat. Us tough gals gotta keep going.

    I know what it feels like to be so 'dead' that you feel out-of-touch and like things aren't real. I'm under the weather today myself with a migraine and have a bit of that too - haven't had one in forever and then I got smacked with a bad one out of the blue. I have that terrible fuzzy disconnected dizzy feeling.

  4. #124
    Gravyboat's Avatar
    Gravyboat is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    Cleveland, OH
    Posts
    1,204
    232 today, 36.25" waist, 49.5" hips.

    Slept a long time but not quite long enough. Still feel fatigued. Also stayed up WAY too late because I missed the "sweet spot" around 9-10pm and ended up feeling too wired to sleep.

    My fat is so damn squishy. I seem to be losing steadily right now, which is nice, and (once again) I know it's a positive thing that I'm squishy because it means the fat is leaving. But it still sort of feels like a temporary step backward in some ways. I used to have thick, firm, supple curves. One could grab onto my hips like an anchor and go to town (if one wanted to). Now I feel like a water balloon. Feels like I'm losing my curves, even though they are still there in the mirror. When you touch them, they squish down under the weight, like cardboard prop-hips. My handlebars are made out of jelly now. No stability.

    It's embarrassing. I actually feel fatter than I did before, because now my fat is actually fat-like. Before I just felt big. I was firm all over. Now I can feel the difference between lean tissue and fat. And I can tell how much of it there is. Feels like I'm moving backwards. I guess it's like cleaning a room. If you do it right (no half-assed corners cut), it gets messier before it gets cleaner.

    I'm just glad I'm not dating anyone right now because my body does not feel sexy.

    In other news, I found a blog with pictures of a woman losing 100lbs. She's only an inch shorter than me, started around where I did, and ended up around where I want to be, and her body looks somewhat similar to mine (especially the arms, ugh). So it's nice to get a sense of what sort of progress I can reasonably hope to see every 10lbs. And it's nice to see she didn't lose her hips (something I've been worried about, probably unrealistically), she's just a thinner version of the same basic shape. That's good, that's what I want.

    Also, I sort of want to cut all my hair off. But it has taken 3 years to grow it out from the boy haircut I had before, and the growing-out process sucked and looked really awkward (as it tends to). So I think I would regret it. Probably better to leave it the way it is. I'm not sure what sort of hair will flatter me when I get to my goal, so it's probably better to keep my options open for now.

    _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

  5. #125
    Pebbles67's Avatar
    Pebbles67 is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Mid-Hudson Valley New York
    Posts
    9,064
    What about cuting in some layers? I love my hair more than I ever have. It is just past shoulder length with long layers that start at my chin. No bangs.

  6. #126
    Gravyboat's Avatar
    Gravyboat is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    Cleveland, OH
    Posts
    1,204
    Quote Originally Posted by Pebbles67 View Post
    What about cuting in some layers? I love my hair more than I ever have. It is just past shoulder length with long layers that start at my chin. No bangs.
    Well it's mostly about how I'm not sure I really want to look this feminine. I'm going through sort of an identity crisis right now. I cried yesterday. Basically I'm not comfortable where I am, identity-wise, but I can't put my finger on exactly what makes me uncomfortable, what would make me more comfortable, and ultimately what I want to look like and what sort of person I want to date. I'm dealing with a weird "I don't know if I want to be that hot butch girl over there or sleep with her" sort of issue.

    And I need to figure it the fuck out, immediately. The clock is ticking because I'm 25 and have never dated a girl --- a fact which makes me feel EXTREMELY bad about myself. Tears came to my eyes while typing that.

    The lesbian community seems obsessed with labels, and I seem to defy them all (as usual). I've never fit in anywhere and was hoping I would fit in there. But I don't. And it really bothers me. I've felt like a fucking creeper weirdo outsider my whole life, and I don't want to feel that way anymore. It hurts and it's so isolating.

    I have long pretty hair right now and I wear skirts and blouses. I like these clothes (they're pretty, I get compliments), and I like my hair (it's pretty, I get compliments), but it also doesn't "feel like me" in some way, and I have no idea how to better describe or understand that. Put me next to any other lady with pretty hair and nice feminine clothes and I would feel like we are totally different, like she is feminine and I am a wolf in sheep's clothing. Even though we'd look exactly the same in a mirror, I would feel different and like I am tricking her. When I look in a mirror with pretty clothes on, I feel like I'm looking at a doll I've dressed up.

    I have felt like this off and on for many years. Still haven't resolved it, obviously. Don't know what to do. The last time this happened was a couple years ago when I cut off my hair, resolved to date only girls, dressed in boys clothing, took a boy nickname, and joined the internet trans community... and then ultimately felt so utterly alone and undesirable that I starved 40lbs off, grew my hair back out, and started wearing skirts again just so I could get a date (with boys, because that seems to be the only group who will date me). Then I started dating a guy I could not have been less attracted to, just because I was so lonely, and then I ended up pregnant, which was a (mercifully short-lived) nightmare. Fast-forward through a couple more years of dating dudes I liked but didn't really care about, all while wearing my girl uniform. Until this year, when I start losing weight, turn my depression around, figure out that I am so totally gay and cannot possibly deny it anymore, and then start going through another identity crisis phase.

    My life reads like a bad fanfic. I need to figure this shit out so it can finally stop. I feel like I'm wasting so much time running around in circles, but I don't know how to fix it.

    _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

  7. #127
    missblue's Avatar
    missblue is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Posts
    318
    "The lesbian community seems obsessed with labels, and I seem to defy them all (as usual). I've never fit in anywhere and was hoping I would fit in there. But I don't. And it really bothers me. I've felt like a fucking creeper weirdo outsider my whole life, and I don't want to feel that way anymore. It hurts and it's so isolating."

    To defy labels is to be, or become, your own. I think this is extremely admirable, but lonely at times to be sure.
    It also suggests you already know at some level enough about who you are, or are not in terms of the "roles" played around you to try to sift through what is important and to perhaps be discouraged and impatient that people can't see past the facade to the being within. Again, a healthy response to a culturally dyfunctional context.

    You are enough with or without hair.
    If you're not sure about cutting it, wait for now, since it is pretty and a drag to regrow.
    (I also have long hair and understand the effort involved)

    One thing about forums like this is it is possible to bypass the BS regular life seems to inflict on social behavior. So to be direct, sounds to me like you and your sexuality are in formation / reformation just as your body is and I suggest just gently exploring that without judgment or modals (should, could, would, etc.).

    To make an obvious metaphor, the catepillar does dissolve in the cocoon before reforming into a butterfly.
    Seems like that's what's happening to you.
    Last edited by missblue; 03-29-2012 at 10:23 AM.

  8. #128
    Pebbles67's Avatar
    Pebbles67 is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Mid-Hudson Valley New York
    Posts
    9,064
    {{{hugs}}}

    You should dress for your happiness and comfort. Of course, I have little experience in the Lesbian world.

    As to unwanted pregnancy, I do have experience there. It changed my life in many ways and I still live with the repercussions 20 years on. Please PM me if you want to talk about it.
    Paula Primal since 9/24/2010
    "Our greatest foes, and whom we must chiefly combat, are within." Miguel de Cervantes

    Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Weight Loss Tools
    MFP username: MDAPebbles67

  9. #129
    Spubba's Avatar
    Spubba is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Ohio
    Posts
    567
    I sort of had to work through a gender crisis and emerged on the other side when I had a talk with my mom and admitted to her that I feel more gender-neutral than anything. These days I just wear what I want, when I want. I'd get my hair boy cut but I already know I look stupid with it like that, so I leave it the way it is and I wear pretty neutral clothes (no skirts, no women's shoes, and nothing with frills or girly designs)... I'm secure enough in my identity to wear pink.

    Once I'm thin enough that it doesn't look completely goofy on me, I'll probably adopt a slightly more edgy 'goth' look (but not go overboard) and do a little more something fun with my hair.

  10. #130
    Gravyboat's Avatar
    Gravyboat is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    Cleveland, OH
    Posts
    1,204
    Primal Blueprint Expert Certification
    231 today. 36" / 49.75".

    Started my period yesterday (may explain moodiness), and been eating peanut butter from the jar, but still losing weight. Huh.

    Also:

    missblue, thanks for the pep talk. I appreciate it.

    Pebbles, thanks for the offer to talk about it. I don't need to, though. It was a pretty crappy experience but it's over. On the plus side, at least I found out I could get pregnant. I had unprotected sex for like 6 years before that and never had an issue because of the PCOS. I wouldn't want to go through it again, but it led to getting an IUD which has helped my periods, so I'm ok with having gone through it. Also, I like being able to talk to people and say out loud "I've had an abortion" to try and normalize it in our culture. I think that's important.

    Spubba, I know what you mean about feeling you look automatically ridiculous in "cool" clothes as a fat person. What the fuck is with that idea? I carry it around too, even though it flies in the face of everything I believe. I liked having short hair, and it made me feel confident and sexy, but at the same time I was seriously self-hating because I felt that it was visually unappealing to have both short hair and body fat at the same time. That only someone who was thin could have the "privilege" of short hair. Ugh! I still worry about it too. It's so stupid.

    ----

    I think for now I am going to keep my hair the way it is, because it's nice, and it matches my clothes. Once I've lost weight and I'm out buying more clothes anyway, I will buy some more "masculine" stuff (which should also fit my body better at that point). And then cut my hair when it starts looking out of place on the rest of me.

    I'm pretty sure I'm a big fat butch on the inside, as I've never felt fully comfortable looking like a lady, and I felt so good looking like a boy. But 3 years of hair growth and a whole (still-mostly-functional) wardrobe is a lot to throw away, so I'll deal with it when my clothes stop fitting and I have to replace them anyway.

    It seems like the best compromise, and leaves space so I don't make any hasty decisions that I'll regret.
    Last edited by Gravyboat; 03-30-2012 at 12:08 PM.

    _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

Page 13 of 93 FirstFirst ... 311121314152363 ... LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •