Gravyboat's Log, Stardate 59575.1 page 10

[Spubba]

You know, I am actually a little concerned that I've "only" lost ~3 inches off my waist/hips in 25lbs. Then again, I don't really carry my weight there (and especially not on my waist; I don't know how much more I can actually even lose there, it's almost totally firm.. I'm guessing like 2 more inches, tops). My weight is pretty much everywhere.. So I guess I should expect a slow shrinkage everywhere, and no dramatic decreases in any one area (since I don't have any dramatic-sized body parts, aside from my huge fucking arms that look like goddamn waterwings -- wait, what? No, I'm totally not bitter at all).

Stupid arms.

Also, I know when I was 290-300lbs, my hips were like 56" or something. So when I lost 30-40lbs, I only lost 3" then too. So.. whatevs, I guess. I probably shouldn't worry about it too much.

See? SEE? You are making progress if you're losing inches.

Oh and another thing I noticed - complete side benefit action going here - I have much improved freedom and range of motion, especially in my hips, which were starting to give me grief back a couple of years ago. Now I can run up and down stairs and it's not even a thing I think about anymore like "oh god I have to climb steps ow ow ow wheeze wheeze wheeze my hip is KILLING ME ow ow ow wheeze wheeze ugh". Now if my back stops aching, that'll be SIX items helped by PB. Psoriasis - gone, migraines - gone, hip pain - gone, reflux - almost gone, fat - not gone but there's somewhat less of it, that's my current "PB Score".

I think I may have dropped an ounce or two but I'm not sure. I jumped on the scale in the gym at work but that thing's pretty unreliable. I don't depend on it. Today my pants are still loose/possibly looser than last week, so I'm sticking with the "pants test".

Oh and I feel ya on the waterwings. My arms look like that, but less so these days. The waterwings are looking smaller too. I need to take measurements, get a baseline, and then come back in 6 months to see where I'm at.

[Gravyboat]

"That, or I'm participating in Lent really hardcore."

People don't give you much grief if they think you are doing something for religious/spiritual reasons, but they will JUMP on you if you are doing it to improve your physical health if it doesn't conform to what THEY think is good for you.

So...good side...at least we're religiously tolerant? I don't know, but if I ever do a long fast, I'm going to cling to religion with vigor. Someone famous did it for 40 days, right? So, it should be okay for me.

Yeah, I don't really understand why people are a-ok with eating horrible, toxic, frankensteined non-foods (ala "Hungry Girl"), which are basically meant to simulate food and induce fullness without actually feeding yourself actual nutrients. But NOT EATING??? OH SHIT, THE FUCKING HORROR!!!!!

Does not compute.

[Gravyboat]

See? SEE? You are making progress if you're losing inches.

Oh and another thing I noticed - complete side benefit action going here - I have much improved freedom and range of motion, especially in my hips, which were starting to give me grief back a couple of years ago. Now I can run up and down stairs and it's not even a thing I think about anymore like "oh god I have to climb steps ow ow ow wheeze wheeze wheeze my hip is KILLING ME ow ow ow wheeze wheeze ugh". Now if my back stops aching, that'll be SIX items helped by PB. Psoriasis - gone, migraines - gone, hip pain - gone, reflux - almost gone, fat - not gone but there's somewhat less of it, that's my current "PB Score".

I think I may have dropped an ounce or two but I'm not sure. I jumped on the scale in the gym at work but that thing's pretty unreliable. I don't depend on it. Today my pants are still loose/possibly looser than last week, so I'm sticking with the "pants test".

Oh and I feel ya on the waterwings. My arms look like that, but less so these days. The waterwings are looking smaller too. I need to take measurements, get a baseline, and then come back in 6 months to see where I'm at.

My arms don't look any different to me at all, so it's pretty frustrating. I'd actually rather have the weight on my belly than on my arms, because then at least I could hide it. Sigh.

I live on the fourth floor in a building with high ceilings and no elevator, so I'm pretty good at climbing stairs. But I still always feel a little bit weak on the last flight. No asthma attacks on the stairs since going primal though, so I consider that a plus. Also, since giving up milk, my nose is so clear. I really wish it didn't have to be this way, because ice cream is one of my favorite things in the world, but not having a constantly-runny nose is pretty nice too I guess. And ice cream hurts my stomach now anyway.

I have noticed that my thighs are smaller and rub together less than they did, which is good. And I think my thinned hair is growing back in. My skin has been a grease-bomb lately though and I don't know what that's all about.

Anyway, there have been some nice changes and I'm not feeling like I boarded the wrong train or anything. I'm just feeling a little impatient, I guess. I know that a year from now I'll look totally different, and that's a nice feeling. But for now I still feel.. big.

I will say, though: the other day I found my old pants from when I was 300lbs. They were like clown pants. But, not ENOUGH like clown pants that I was able to feel super good and accomplished. I'm still big. Just less big. And I kind of wish my weight loss was less everywhere and more targeted so I could see it better. I really don't LOOK any smaller at all, and it's frustrating. But, well, I don't have any control over that. Just have to wait it out.

[Sabine]

I did something a few days ago which gave me a fun visual. You might like to try it.

I took my waist measurements- from the beginning, my most recent restart, now, and my tentative goal- and using a paper-clipped-together tape measure, drew waist-ovals, one inside the other like tree-rings, on a piece of paper. It made me appreciate how three inches smaller, really is already smaller. (And I boggle at what my waist will be like at goal. Found myself wondering if all my organs will fit.)

[Gravyboat]

237 this morning, but 36.25" waist and 49.75" hips! That's the smallest yet.

[Sabine]

Excellent ratio, too (yes, I DO believe in that. One of my foibles.).

[Gravyboat]

Excellent ratio, too (yes, I DO believe in that. One of my foibles.).

To be fair, my hip measurement is big because it includes both my belly overhang and also my butt being pushed out. I have an abnormal spine curvature. My spine nips in too far at my lower back and then goes straight out.


^ Imagine that curvature, only more-so, and with a fair amount of weight on the lower abdomen and a particularly fat butt. Basically I always look like I'm arching my back. Like a swimsuit model laying in wet sand. Only standing up. All day, every day. I can stand with my back pressed "flat" against a wall and still easily fit both forearms behind my back.

I'll take a picture one of these days. As far as curvatures go, it could be worse. But it's still not good.

Edit to add: I also have a fat deposit right above my asscrack, so my butt actually looks like a square poking off the back of my body.. That part sucks.

[Gravyboat]

Ok, *trumpet fanfare* I have amended my goal weight to 160.

Why? Partially because of this site.

It is a site on which you can see pictures of real women's bodies, searchable by height and weight. I took a look at 5'8" and 230. Seemed pretty accurate to my body size. Then I looked at lower weights for 5'8". At 160, there is still a little body fat (the women don't seem REALLY thin until 140). But they look good and healthy, and normal-sized. Also, it's a good round 100lbs lower than my Primal starting weight. Technically I will have officially dropped 100lbs when I hit 200, but it won't really feel like, it since I lost a lot of that a while ago.

Also, I'm a little nervous based on the small inch losses I have seen so far at 25lbs lost. 35 more pounds (to get to 200) and I will probably only see another 3-4 inches gone. And I know I have way more than that to lose. The fact that my fat is softer now means that I can get a good pinch on it and see more clearly what is fat and what isn't. I really do have a lot! 35 more lbs will help, but it isn't going to make a huge dent.

I'm also a little nervous that if I set my aims too low, when I get to 200lbs I'll just be like "Cool, I made it. Time to slack off now since I'm done!"

And, you know what? I'm.. starting to actually believe that I, too, could be thin. And, I'll admit it: I want to be thin for once. I've never been thin before! Ever! Not in my whole life. I don't know what it's like to be able to shop at any store in the mall for clothes and be guaranteed to find something that will fit me. I don't know what it's like to just put whatever clothing I like the look of on my body and not have to worry about it emphasizing some lump I don't want it to, or how bulky and huge it's going to make me look if it doesn't fit just right, or if the arm holes are going to be big enough, or if it's stretchy enough to accommodate fat slosh, etc. That shit sucks to have to think about. It wears on you! It's never just "Oh, cool shirt. And it's my size, too. I'm going to wear it. Ta-da. Looks great."

There are a lot of types of clothes that I like, but I just straight-up do not wear them because I am fat and curvy and they would look ridiculous/horrible on me. Example: Anything crew-neck, anything collared, anything non-fitted, most kinds of shoes (I have huge ankles)... Which pretty much means I can't dress masculine at all without wanting to cry because I feel so ugly, like I'm 400lbs and wearing a fucking sack. I hate it!!! I want to be able to dress in clothes that I like without having to worry about how badly they are going to translate onto my personal shape. Since puberty, I have felt trapped in fitted girly clothes because they're the only clothes that actually fit my body. For a year, I wore nothing but ill-fitting sacks (mens clothes). I tried to feel comfortable and ok in them. I never did. Not because I didn't like the clothes or because I didn't think they were my style. But because they looked like total fucking shit on my body.

Don't get me wrong; I like my exaggerated secondary sexual characteristics and all, but I really want to see what it's like when they're less extreme so I don't have to feel so trapped. I want to be able to wear whatever I like without looking in a mirror and feeling like I'm going to cry.

So I'm going to do it. I think I can. 25lbs down, 75 to go.

[Gravyboat]

235 today, but my measurements are up. I walked a mile last night, round trip to the store for a jar of peanut butter. Don't judge me! I've got peanut curry on the stove this morning. I figure it has a ton of vegetables, coconut milk, tuna, and fish sauce, so it has to be healthy. Even with peanut butter in it.

Just let me rationalize in peace, ok?

I really wish I had another can of coconut milk to soup it up a bit.. I'm not even sure the grocery store I can walk to even HAS coconut milk. (It's a small, scuzzy, local grocery that carries primarily poor-person-food. On the upside, it means there is offal in the meat case, but on the downside, I don't eat offal because I'm scared, and also they really don't cater to alternative eating styles at all. They pretty much just carry whatever is cheapest, which means good luck finding anything organic, or any cream without additives.)

I did manage to find some "natural" peanut butter, though, at the other scuzzy local store (the aforementioned scuzzy local store was closed already). It's not the stuff you have to mix up with the knife that is only peanuts, which I would have preferred. But the oil in it is palm oil (NOT hydrogenated vegetable oil), and the sweetener is molasses. It could be worse.

In other news, I'm debating whether/when to tell my property manager that I got another cat......... in October. Whoops. I mean, no one has caught on, but I hate living in secrecy, like I'm harboring a little fluffy fugitive. Also I found my lease while cleaning the other day and it says that tenants must have prior authorization before bringing in a pet. Whoops.

There is a complication, though, because my actual property manager is (I think) really sick, possibly terminally (the last time I saw her she was limping and had surgery drains, and that was almost a year ago). So there is a flyer up all over the building doors saying to contact Mr. Some Other-Guy if you need to speak to a manager. So I have no idea what to expect if I call him, and I'm sort of freaking myself out and thinking "Oh god, they're going to ask to come over and inspect my place first. Oh god, my place is a wreck and they'll find the cats. Oh god, what happens if they find out? Oh god, I could get evicted and have to live in a Home Depot shed on my dad's property, eating beans out of a tin can while my cats play the harmonica... Oh god."

STRESS.

[Spubba]

Is it bad that I would WANT to move into a Home Depot shed eating beans out of a tin can and playing harmonica in my mom's back yard if it meant I didn't have to go into that damn office anymore? Mmm, beans.

This of course is hilarious since I took that stupid horrible idiotic stressomatic job to fix my financial situation, which was horrid at the time but now that I got out of debt and got some money saved back up I want to quit it.

I'm such a mess.