Jamilyn's 30th Birthday Wish page 12

[Jamilyn121]

Oh my goodness,

I am feeling great! I was VERY sore yesterday and had a pretty yucky stomach ache that just wouldn't go away. My body is tired of me going back and forth with my food. I have been consistent for a couple of days, and the way I feel this morning really shows that. I am about 8 lbs down from my swollen self, and my face looks really good. Yesterday was my rest day for exercise, so I didn't do the simplefit program. Instead, after work I met my kiddos at my grandmas house and had a great time swimming. We played "dolphin" and "throw the big girl" which involved lots of LHT for me!! It was overall a very nice time. For the past two days I have spent the night at my mom's house with the kids to get out of the habit that I was in at my own house. It seems, no matter how "good" I would tell myself I was going to be, I kept reverting back to my old ways of grabbing something really bad for me at night. Getting away from that was wonderful. Today, we are going back home and I am going to do some serious cleaning and organizing to try to keep making the right choices. Today, I am taking the kids to the movies and we have our final pep rally for swim team. It should be a pretty nice day.

I am reading a book called "Make Shift Happen" by Wanye Dyer. I'm LOVING IT! His experience and thoughts are very much in line with what my experience has been. I'm so happy to have found this little gem

Thursday 7/18/2012
B: Leftover steak with sauteed onions and mushrooms, a tiny bit of sweet potato
L: Leftover baked chicken wings
Snack: Baby carrots and red bell peppers
Dinner: Organic chicken sausage, sauteed squash and onions, green beens, beets
Late night: NOTHING! Yay!

Exercise: Swimming with the 6 year old and acting like a crazy kid in the pool.

[Jamilyn121]

I just don't think I am ever going to get into posting on the weekends. I'm not sitting down long enough to turn on the computer! Anyway, I didn't do so hot eating wise this weekend. Lots of booze, some chinese food (not the healthy stuff, in fact the exact opposite of the healthy stuff), and a hotdog or two.

On Friday, our pep rally was cancelled due to thunderstorms so we took the girls bowling. This was awesome for a few reasons. 1) My hubby came. He never feels like doing anything, so for him to come with us had the girls so excited! 2) The bowling alley was empty so we were able to let the girls be really silly and 'help' us bowl in any way that they wanted. 3) My big girl beat me and she was happy about that for the whole weekend. Overall, I'd call the family date a huge success!

We had my daughters last swim meet on Saturday. It was about 60 degrees and raining buckets. One of the most miserable days ever, but she did really well in her races. I am so glad the season is over! I'm not sure I am a swim team fan. By 1pm on Saturday, we were all in pajamas and had a very cuddly day around the house. We had friends over in the evening, once it was about time for the kiddos to go to bed.

Sunday was great. I work at church in the mornings, it was a great day. After church I packed up the kiddos and went to my parents. My mom watched the girls while my dad and I went to play 18 holes. It was awesome. It is only the second or third time that I have gotten out there this year, but I didn't do half bad. I am sore this morning, so it was a great reminder that I need to continue with the workouts.

Back to the usual grind today. I plan to do my Simplefit program, day 1, level 1. My goal is to get to 10 rounds. I'm not sure about food yet. Probably a salad from the grocery store or possibly some sushi. I didn't plan for today very well so I will just do what I can!

[Jamilyn121]

Well, something I just read hit me like a great big side of beef. I have NO right to decide that I may do well today but maybe not because I didn't plan.. Screw that! I am starting my own 30 day challenge today in spite of the poorly planned timing. There is always an excuse or a justification for myself. I"m done with that.

So today will be Day 1 of my 30 day journey.

[ecks]

You doing like a whole 30 or just forcing strict paleo for 3 days?

[Jamilyn121]

Was thinking a whole 30, but I really rely on butter to cook with because coconut oil doesn't cooperate with me. Makes my face break out in an itchy red rash. So not exactly whole 30, but about as close as possible with the exception of butter.

Having a hard time posting right now. My grandmother, who has been pretty ill with breathing problems for many years, took a bad turn on Monday. I'm trying to reconcile the fact that she is not going to be with us for much longer. It's tough. In theory, I think death is just another part of the journey. I am not afraid of it, other than the fact that I don't want to leave my kids too soon. My grandmother has lived a long, wonderful life. Her body is giving up, and death will be welcome for her. But she was a huge part of my life growing up and I am so sad to see her go out like this. She is losing her dignity and pain is growing daily. It's hard to witness.

I'm tired..

[ecks]

I'll be praying for you Jamie. Stay strong hun!

[Jamilyn121]

Well, the ongoing saga with my grandmother continues with incontinence, loss of dignity, pain, and many many tears. I feel so bad for her. I have heard that when people start to lose their minds, their is nothing sadder. WRONG! I can tell you that when people still have their minds but lose the function to use their bodies to do the smallest tasks like wipe their face or use the bathroom, THAT is devastating to witness. I asked her last week if she felt ready to die and she said yes. Then she asked me why she was being put through this pain? Why couldn't she just let go? I didn't have an answer for her.

It's been a tough week.

With that being said, I don't know where I am with primal. I keep trying to get back on, and then allow myself to slide off into old habits. What I am doing cannot be healthy. I think now I am basically at a point where I eat high fat/protien in the day and then sneak off into high carb/junk at night. So now, with the best of both worlds, all of my clothes are tight, I am exhausted, I feel very sorry for myself, and I feel a lot of anger that I am allowing myself to continue with the behaviors that I KNOW need changing. I need a hug. Then I need a sharp slap in the face to tell me to get back to reality and change my ways. Could this be rock bottom? God I hope so. Come on AHA moment, I could use you now.

[ecks]

Why are you sneaking off at night to non primal foods? Is it the comfort they provide or the lack of primal foods available around you?

[Jamilyn121]

Ecks,

I believe it is a number of reasons. 1) The processed junk seems to provide some comfort (like putting me in a comatose state), which is in itself a serious issue. 2) Pure habit 3) lack of preparedness and too much temptation from the hubbys junk.

I know that all of these reasons are completely no excuse, so I guess it is just one day at a time trying to make as many good choices that I can. I read my post from yesterday and really was saddened that I had let myself get to that state of feeling. I am feeling better today after a long session of meditation and prayer last night. I can make healthy changes, I can control how I feel, I can teach new habits to myself to replace the old. I can have some hope.

Thanks for reading Ecks, it's never fun to follow someone down to the dark places. I will try to stay up on top with the relatively normal people for a while

In spite of the way I was feeling yesterday, I had a great paleo day. I had a mixture of sautéed chicken with green peppers and onions for the morning meal. In the evening, I made some awesomely yummy sirloin steaks and tore one up before taking the kiddos to chuck e cheese. My big girl needed some fun as she is stuck with my mom helping my ailing grandmother each day right now. She is such an angel, trying to help and comfort where needed. I am a lucky mom. Anyway, she wanted pizza at chuck e cheese's because, who wouldn't??? So I got the girls a pizza and myself a side salad to munch on (I had already had my steak). It was a great success. We had a blast running around for a couple of hours.

Later that night, we went to my mom's house to spend the night because hubby was going to be out with friends. Had a very nice night of playing and cartoons. I did have a lemonade beer (half lemonade half light beer), and it was so yummy. Then we all went to bed.

Looking forward to today. I got paid yesterday so today I will scour the internet in search of recipes to make the rest of this week successful for myself.

[Judg]

Hi Jamilyn. Sorry you've been having a rough time. But hang in there. Can I suggest blender gelato when you need a little comforting? Feels just like junk food, but it's good. Just throw some frozen fruit chunks (banana, berries, melon, whatever) in the blender with a little stevia if you want it sweeter and just enough liquid (try almond milk if coconut is an issue for you) to get things to blend. You can put in some fresh fruit too, like a few grapes or something. Too many of those will definitely slow down the weight loss because of the sugar in the fruit, but it sure beats junk food by a mile!