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  1. #1371
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    Mental stability has been much better the last few months, basically since getting dairy out (again, grrr). Digestive front is improving with removing FODMAPS (also grrr). I've been trying for a month to get all FODMAPs out, but it's so so hard, b/c it means replacing all but one cup of fruit with all those vegetable soups that take being on my feet to make (energy has been around 5/10 lately). Glad bloating is going down, but not glad I have to remove FODMAPs (including garlic & avocado!!!) to do it.

    In the last two weeks, I've been maintaining 165lb after slowly losing 5 in the week or so before. I think it's getting out the FOdMAPs, that my body is having to spend too much effort to digest it to focus on the detoxing needed to let me lose weight. I've had some up and down days, like 2 days spent feeling some of the things you feel when you're sick (like totally lethargic & mentally not wanting to engage with anyone or anything) even though I wasn't sick, and maybe it was weight loss detox?

    Down in the last two days to 164. Only 32lb to go back to where I was when I started the blasted DHEA. Grrr. Dr. Berg has me back on 5mg DHEA/day, and it doesn't seem to be doing any harm, but I don't see any benefit, either. L is off and on, more on the last month. No CM (EW or otherwise) at all for nearly 3 months in a row (but had it the last two months), which was very frightening.

    Odd ice cream dream last night, out of nowhere.

    So fat loss is starting, cravings are doing well, digestive is better w/o FODMAPs & dairy (and obviously, wheat and all grains, although I've had a bit of rice without too much problem; corn is the devil), mental stability better without dairy, and fatigue middling - has been worse, has been better. (House is not getting cleaner, but not getting worse, either, or if it leans one way more than the other, it does so just barely.)
    5'4" 36yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
    Starting: 185 lbs (March '10)
    Current: 132.5 lbs
    Goal: 135 lbs (Hit Jan '13)
    Beating bingeing since 10/31/11 on my Leptin Reset journey

  2. #1372
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    Hi, MamaGrok. It was good to see you come back around fairly recently and I hope you're continuing to do well. I've been wanting to ask you what exactly do you and the doc feel happened that caused your issues with the DHEA, and how were you able to determine this. I'm dealing with pretty extreme adrenal issues (and of course the dead thyroid that accompanies it after years of it) and we are playing around with, at my request in order to avoid/delay hydrocortisone, the use of pregnenolone, DHEA and DIM - alternating days. I'm just curious as to what may have happened with all that you had going on at the time. There are many things in your postings to which I can relate and I'm always trying to gather info and learn from the experiences of others when possible. I've taken the DHEA in the past (7 Keto) and felt great with it but eventually stopped as my estrogen level rose a bit too much and I was a little paranoid about messing with my hormones at the time. I'm a little nervous now, but don't want to take steroids unless we've exhausted other avenues that might prove helpful and get me back to work.
    Life is not a matter of having good cards, but of playing a poor hand well.

    - Robert Louis Stevenson

  3. #1373
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    Ugh, well, I'm back here because things are going so-so and I figure journaling can't hurt.

    Eh, that sounds too doom and gloom. Here's the good: My energy started moving steadily up around November or December 2014, and has been steady for a few months now. I am so grateful for that. It doesn't feel like over-wound-toy-soldier energy, either, but just natural, like it's supposed to be this way ... like it used to be, except I used to have even more normal (higher) energy levels than this. But I have a lot more spoons every day than I used to. I went skiing for three days and only had an hour of I'm-tired-I'm-sleepy-I'm-sore-Idon'twanttodothisanymoreatall stuff, then the soreness actually went away (totally weird) and I could ski again.

    My mental state is leagues above last year, which was leagues above the year before. I'm pretty well into the "normal human" range, mentally. YES. Wow, I thought my life was all but over when my brain went downhill in 2013. Too much severe neurological illness in my family; I was s.c.a.r.e.d.

    My gut is still huge. Cravings are still present (although not dominant, and often for just a normal portion of sweets, even though I know a "normal" portion of any kind of sweet or grain-y or dairy-containing treat will make me feel blechy, so it's never worth it. Any kind of treat that contains none of those seems to be too intense (like cocoa-coco-honey balls, etc.), and triggers bingeing.

    I'm having potatoes and rice and can't tell ifit's helping with cravings or making them worse. Ditto the digestion.

    I keep trying to have big bowls of veggie-heavy soup for breakfast-and-lunch, but it's so much work to keep the broth in stock and make the soup each morning.... it comes and goes. I think it helps to decrease cravings bc I'm too full to eat anything else!

    I can't seem to lose any weight, adn in fact have gained some over the last few months (mostly in December & March). Now at 172ish. UGH. It's so hard to ski, to work out, to wear pants, to wear skirts (thigh rub!), to do ANYTHING. But cravings kick in any time I try to reduce any kind of nutrient at all, so I can't seem to do it with food, and exercise has never helped me lose weight. Not when I did an insane amount of it, not when I did it "just right" (like 4-hr body or something).

    I'm a stud in the gym. I did 2 months of Crossfit, then had a weird spell where I was weak in the core of my being for all of October (and think I had whooping cough starting then for 3 months), and got back to it in January and found on the first day that I had bested all my previous maxes by 20-40lb each, then took a month off, came back, and bested them all again by even more. Weird! I can lift most things on a near-elite level, even though I have done each exercise maybe 4 times in the last decade. So I don't think "more muscle mass" will do anything for my weight.

    Anyway, I'm really struggling with cravings. Things are still way better since the 10-day clinic, but I just wish someone could feed me every bite every day, and me not have anything else around to eat. Sigh. I hate a mind that betrays itself.
    5'4" 36yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
    Starting: 185 lbs (March '10)
    Current: 132.5 lbs
    Goal: 135 lbs (Hit Jan '13)
    Beating bingeing since 10/31/11 on my Leptin Reset journey

  4. #1374
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    Aw, sorry to hear about the health being up in the air on some fronts.

    It's been a while since I saw your last posts. Have you tried going without bone broth? Or not eating as many vegetables? Or both? Just asking as I personally do horribly with broth and vegetables.

    Also how are the stress levels? Kids always keeping you on your toes?

    Typed one handed while steering a dragon

  5. #1375
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    Yes, I've definitely tried doing without both, and eating lots of both, and going moderate with both. fortunately, stress levels are pretty good - I've always perceived stress as a mostly internal thing. I was very go-with-the-flow my entire life (once I graduated from college, got married, bought a house, started a job, and conceived all in a three month period, and thought it was the greatest three months of my life!) until the mental health collapse of 2013 (when I was feeling constant barrages of stress despite no objective sources of heavy stress or anything but normal life), and am back now (thanks be to God!). Wow, I am so grateful. With so much mental illness in my family, I was so afraid. I am so grateful for Julia Ross.

    I think I'll try a food & exercise journal again, starting tomorrow. (Not today, b/c I'm eating ice cream right now. I've had cravings for very normal portions of sweets this week, but they're uncontrollable cravings and for foods (like dairy & corn) that I really don't do well with.)
    5'4" 36yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
    Starting: 185 lbs (March '10)
    Current: 132.5 lbs
    Goal: 135 lbs (Hit Jan '13)
    Beating bingeing since 10/31/11 on my Leptin Reset journey

  6. #1376
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    Right now I'm feeling that feeling where I don't want to see anything to do with MDA because of what it reminds me of ... coming here at 183 in 2010, slowing losing weight the absolutely right way, 50lb over 2 years, staying stable for almost a year, then BAM. The gain. I've gained almost 45 back, even though I wasn't fat for long the first time and had never been fat in my life. There seems to be nothing I can do to lose it; it's been here for well over a year and in the last month I've started to gain again with no real changes.

    Losing 50lb the right way, then gaining it all back again anyway ... that's discouraging.

    But I never give up hope. Never. Ever. Ever.

    Yes, I hate looking bad, but much more than that, I hate not fitting into chairs (yes, most of my weight is in my thighs and it's a real problem), having to work my legs much harder than needed while skiing because I have 45 more lb to stop while speeding downhill, getting so tired at xfit in endurance portions that I can hardly breathe, feeling absolutely disgusted when anyone touches my skin (it's not an emotional thing; it's physical because of the tightness and discomfort I constantly experience) ... all of it.

    But I always have hope.
    5'4" 36yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
    Starting: 185 lbs (March '10)
    Current: 132.5 lbs
    Goal: 135 lbs (Hit Jan '13)
    Beating bingeing since 10/31/11 on my Leptin Reset journey

  7. #1377
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    Hm. that is quite interesting. Would the fear of neuro issues might cause you stress and worry though?

    Bummer about not finding the right foods though. I'm still experimenting with foods that do or don't work with my body so I think I can understand a little on how you feel... it seems like every time I try a food that doesn't gel, I spend the rest of my week feeling bloated and awful.

    Typed one handed while steering a dragon

  8. #1378
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    I only feared neuro issues because I was having them. When they went away, I went back to my normal, stress-free self ... thank goodness!!

    It is such a mystery working through this stuff, isn't it? I remember the last time I felt myself get bloated ... about 3 years ago. I've been bloated nonstop ever since then, so I can't even work through that one with experimentation anymore.
    5'4" 36yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
    Starting: 185 lbs (March '10)
    Current: 132.5 lbs
    Goal: 135 lbs (Hit Jan '13)
    Beating bingeing since 10/31/11 on my Leptin Reset journey

  9. #1379
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    Today's goal: lots of protein in the AM, XFit seniors class (b/c I can't handle the endurance of the regular class), balanced lunch & dinner with no dairy, grain (other than some white rice), or sweetened food, and plenty of moving around the house.

    AM protein - 3 pieces sausage
    XFit Masters - did it. Am dying. 71 back squats loaded 55-95lb, need a nap now even 6hrs later, am so tired I feel sick to my stomach.
    Lunch & Dinner no dairy/grain/sweets - yes.
    Moving around the house - no. Am dead. Dead dead. I hate feeling this way EVERY STINKING TIME I work out, even though I finished my Seniors WOD after all the 65 & 70 year olds. Heart rate was still >120 15 minutes after the workout. Bad.

    Good:
    Where I am in Crossfit - I have managed somehow to gain strength even though I typically do 4-5 classes in a month, then take 1-3 months off, and have only had about 35 classes ever. I've been dramatically increasing my personal max's each time, even in exercises I have only done 2-3 times in my life. Why, I have no idea, but I seem to have retained a HUGE amount of muscle mass and even am increasing it when I'm not exercising at all - a major bright spot.

    Deadlift PR - 155 in July, didn't do it again till I did 175 in September, didn't do it again till I did 200 in January.
    Back squat PR - 95 in July, 125 in January without doing it in between.
    Power Squat Clean - 90
    Front Squat - 55
    Bench Press - 85 in September, 90 in January without doing it in between
    Strict Press - 50 in September, 65 in January without doing it in between
    Push Press - 80 in September
    Crossfit Max - 395lb in Jan
    1 mile - 13:55. Oh my. Was 7.5 minutes in the 7th grade, the last time I ran a mile.
    Last edited by MamaGrok; 03-17-2015 at 06:03 AM.
    5'4" 36yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
    Starting: 185 lbs (March '10)
    Current: 132.5 lbs
    Goal: 135 lbs (Hit Jan '13)
    Beating bingeing since 10/31/11 on my Leptin Reset journey

  10. #1380
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    So apparently I have Exploding Head Syndrome. For realz. Ha!

    I was lying in bed last night and felt a little of the "I'm sinking into the bed; I can totally feel the actual sensation of gravity right now" thing that I get sometimes (what? you don't get that? I thought it was normal until I asked dh about it; he thinks it's not exactly normal, LOL) and a little of the "something wooshing quietly past my ears" thing that I get sometimes right before sleep when suddenly it was like two jets went past my ears, except I could totally tell the sound was entirely in my head. Then it came again, like a super loud electronic buzzing and then a speaker popping, then gone. After the third time, I got mad and went and looked it up, because it wasn't just annoying, it was painful (just like a real loud noise is) and I could actually feel the vibration like there was a real sound.


    I looked up "hearing sounds that aren't there in bed" and POOF! a whole page of Google magic pops up, every one with headlines like "Wikipedia: Exploding Head Syndrome" and "10 Weirdest Sleep Disorders: Exploding Head Syndrome." Great. LOL. It sounded exactly like what I experienced *except* ... they said it is very rare, and even when it happens, it's almost never described as pain. Certainly no actual sensation of vibrations. They also said it's a little like sleep paralysis and happens when you're actually asleep, kind of like how a lot of people (most?) occasionally feel a falling sensation just as they're drifting off to sleep and suddenly jerk. Except I KNOW I wasn't asleep, none of the three times. I was wide awake. I've had sleep paralysis before, back in the utter-sleep-deprivation period of college when I had a sleep study for narcolepsy. I was totally awake. Exploding Head Syndrome nonetheless, I guess!

    It stopped as soon as I sat up, and didn't come back when I lay down 30 minutes later, thank goodness! Apparently it can get very irritating (to the point of insomnia from not wanting to experience it - I can totally understand; it was awful!), and have bursts of episodes for months at a time - let's hope not! It seems to be tied to serotonin depletion and extreme fatigue, which totally makes sense, because I was EXHAUSTED from Crossfit yesterday, and took my l-tryp & melatonin 20 minutes before bed instead of in bed as usual, so I may have had a premature conversion of serotonin to melatonin or something. It seems to be tied to serotonin dropping precipitously and a form of it (called "brain zaps") is experienced by people withdrawing from SSRIs or on mushrooms!

    That's the end of today's installment of Weird Things That Sick Bodies Sometimes Do.

    Last edited by MamaGrok; 03-18-2015 at 05:56 AM.
    5'4" 36yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
    Starting: 185 lbs (March '10)
    Current: 132.5 lbs
    Goal: 135 lbs (Hit Jan '13)
    Beating bingeing since 10/31/11 on my Leptin Reset journey

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