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  1. #1311
    Momto3's Avatar
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    Oh Mamagrok. My heart and prayers go out for you. I pray for God's Shalom to cover you-peace, wholeness. I am so sorry.
    Favorite Mark Quote: "I train to play."

    June 2010: 168.6 -size 16
    Current: 146.8 - size 10/12
    Goal:135 - size 8

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  2. #1312
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    Thanks so much. I went through all the crying and self-pity last night, b/c I needed to, I guess, but now that I actually got out the old "fat" clothes, well, I'm just wearing them, and it is what it is.

    I thought that losing slowly was supposed to protect you from this, but I guess nothing can protect you from bad hormone supplements and ... whatever the heck else is going on now.

    I have only had one breakdown-and-binge episode in the last 3 weeks, yet my thighs went up another 1/2" this week. I don't know what the plan is, but I'm just getting through each day.
    5'4" 36yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
    Starting: 185 lbs (March '10)
    Current: 132.5 lbs
    Goal: 135 lbs (Hit Jan '13)
    Beating bingeing since 10/31/11 on my Leptin Reset journey

  3. #1313
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    Hello, I am new to these forums but I feel your pain. I have been there and only by the grace of God haven't binged today. Even with Primal foods I can find foods to binge on.

  4. #1314
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    I can't believe it's been this long since I posted. The last three months ahve totally sucked. 2013 was the worst year of my life. I started having crazy mood issues I've never had in my life, fixed them, still have some here and there. Cravings ramped up to levels I haven't seen since I first learned to increase fat and protein. Gained 20lb, lost 10 on amino acids, ran out of amino acids for ONE WEEK and have been bingeing like crazy ever since, even on full AA levels, and have since gained 20-25 more lbs. Now probably close to 35lb more than I was this time last year.

    I have no idea what's happening to me. I'm falling apart. The discomfort from the extreme amounts of fat on my legs (I don't have irrational body image issues; they are nearly 27" each and that is insane) and rear makes it hard to do anything physical, and I LIVE to hike & ski & swim. I cannot wear any of my clothes and am in fat and maternity clothes again, which are all old and I feel frumpy, but refuse to buy expensive new clothes because that would honestly make me feel worse. Old ailments are coming back - dry skin, hacking cough, getting ridiculously sick (just spent four days with mild flu followed by over a week of severe debilitating coughing), worse sleep, temp dropped a whole degree again, splitting nails, swollen face, just a bunch of stuff.

    I'm pretty sure endorphin deficiency is at the root of many of my issues. I see sugar/carb cravings, dissociation, excessive need for sleep, mood disturbances, no longer enjoying inherently enjoyable things, and several other things not currently at the top of my mind as evidence for it. So right this minute I'm sitting in a drug/alcohol treatment clinic paying an exhorbitant amount of money for IV amino acid therapy and praying with all my heart that this makes a major difference in my life.

    I've already promised to God that if He finds a way to remove this disease of cravings from me, I'll be willing to admit that I have had the disease (BED, whatever you want to call it) to anyone who needs my help.

    It took me two years to take off 50lb. I was totally fine with the pace, because losing it slowly means keeping it off, right? Until I gained 20 in 2 months, 35 in a year. If I can even get the weight gain to stop, here's to another couple years taking it off. :headdesk:
    Last edited by MamaGrok; 01-06-2014 at 11:49 AM.
    5'4" 36yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
    Starting: 185 lbs (March '10)
    Current: 132.5 lbs
    Goal: 135 lbs (Hit Jan '13)
    Beating bingeing since 10/31/11 on my Leptin Reset journey

  5. #1315
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    MamaGrok is offline Senior Member
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    OA sucks, BTW. For me, anyway. "Health and wealth" gospel is all it is. Yes, I do the 12 steps daily in my life, and have for my whole 15 years as a Catholic. I believe in what the steps say to do. But that does not mean the steps have anything to do with my addiction. I believe in democracy, too, but voting won't stop my bingeing. Thinking that God will magically take away my disease just because I become a better person is exactly like saying He'll take away cancer if I become a better person . Health and wealth nonsense.

    I sound really bitter right now, and have been feeling bitter for the last hour. I know exactly what that is - detox. Or something. It has happened to me about 1-2x/month for the last 6 months, 3x in the last month. Each time, I notice a total disgust with everything around me, and then, amazingly enough, a detox bath gets rid of it, suggesting strongly that it's from an overload of toxins, likely from getting off sugar and allowing some fat to be released. I strongly suspect the ridiculous weight gain is in great part from my body saying, HELLO! too many toxins you're pouring in, liver can't handle, must store to part with later! So now I get to part with it a little at a time.

    Gonna take a detox bath when I get home tonight. I have 10 days of all-day IV treatment. Pray for me.

    ETA That's not to say I haven't gotten anything from OA or don't see any benefit in it. I think the sponsoring and the meetings are great (although not the pressure to go many times per week), and I would probably stay involved for a long term if meetings were close and maybe some tweak I can't quite put my finger on yet. (other than the continued insistence that getting right with God and others will remove addiction)
    Last edited by MamaGrok; 01-06-2014 at 11:47 AM.
    5'4" 36yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
    Starting: 185 lbs (March '10)
    Current: 132.5 lbs
    Goal: 135 lbs (Hit Jan '13)
    Beating bingeing since 10/31/11 on my Leptin Reset journey

  6. #1316
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    Breakfast: 3+oz pastured sausage, no additives or sweeteners. 3 pastured eggs in 1TB butter, unrefined salt, pepper.

    Lunch: homemade beef jerky, big carrot
    (brief craving while finishing lunch)

    Not taking my oral aminos or multi today while I get the drip.
    5'4" 36yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
    Starting: 185 lbs (March '10)
    Current: 132.5 lbs
    Goal: 135 lbs (Hit Jan '13)
    Beating bingeing since 10/31/11 on my Leptin Reset journey

  7. #1317
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    Hey Lady, so sorry that you have had a rough year. I hope 2014 is better. Sending Prayers your way.

  8. #1318
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    Praying for a better year for you. I'm so sorry it's been a tough one. Bless you.
    Favorite Mark Quote: "I train to play."

    June 2010: 168.6 -size 16
    Current: 146.8 - size 10/12
    Goal:135 - size 8

    My Journal

  9. #1319
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    Thanks! OTOH, if that's the worst year I ever have, I'm in pretty good shape.

    Notes from yesterday: Felt cheerful, better l, and a little bouncy. Took a while to get calm enough to sleep. Not anxious at all, just more wound up. I felt physically good as soon as I got off the drip (been a while since I felt that), and then emotionally good as the night wore on. I was talking my husband's ear off, too. He said he didn't mind because the overall mood change was so positive.

    I had one bout of "hate the world" yesterday for about an hour, not too atypical for getting off the "drug" for me. Pretty sure now it's toxins releasing from my fat stores or something. Took a detox bath tonight.

    Dinner: leftover pork chops & carrot & bacon fat
    Serious cravings after dinner quenched with hubby's unsweetened mint green tea.
    5'4" 36yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
    Starting: 185 lbs (March '10)
    Current: 132.5 lbs
    Goal: 135 lbs (Hit Jan '13)
    Beating bingeing since 10/31/11 on my Leptin Reset journey

  10. #1320
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    1/7/2014

    Breakfast: sausage & 3 eggs in 1T butter
    Lunch: leftover shrimp & steak fajitas & green & red bell peppers

    This morning, I had a hard time waking - very - and drug getting ready, with some (very little) confusion in doing things efficiently. Saw the most beautiful sun rising over a slightly frozen pond in our neighborhood.


    I sang all the way to work, loving the singing. My nose has been swollen most of the last month, and somewhat inflamed for several before that, during all of the sugar crap. It was much clearer this morning. It could have been the cold/cough clearing up, but the timing was certainly notable. I was clearer, and singing with a clearer voice, than I feel like I have in month. My nose bled some this morning, which is pretty typical for when I get off of something my body doesn't tolerate, and that explains the clarity a lot (turbinades releasing the padding they've become inflamed with).


    I was positively euphoric in the car this morning. Very emotionally overwhelmed by the music and the singing. I feel tremendous hope and brightness - just like all my life before my health fell apart 7-10 years ago. I know this is a brain chemical change; I have felt it every now and then even in the midst of all this sickness, and I know it well. I have never known how to turn it on and off, but I can easily identify it. I hope it's turned back on for good now.


    I'm feeling not quite as uncomfortable as yesterday on the drip. Yesterday I felt it in my chest and throat and head at first, then some as a crampy feeling abdominally instead of that. I'm feeling waves of it now. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest, and have the abdominal crampy feeling from time to time. And of course, the constant constant feeling of my bladder filling up. It constantly makes me think I have to pee, even when I don't, and I feel it from the first of the drip, long before it could possibly have filled me up. Bit of latent infection? The total feeling of the stuff going through my veins is one of exhaustion. It feels oppressive, but not more so than the fatigue I feel everyday. I'm sure the "oppressive" feeling comes mostly from the fact that I was feeling good last night and this morning till I got back on it. Now I just want to lay down my head and check out. Every now and then I get a tightness rising through my throat and up the center of my head that is very very uncomfortable, and is often accompanied by a tightness in my chest that makes me slightly short of breath. The drip also dries out my nose. (That leaves me breathing through my mouth, so I brought some chapstick with me today. My eyes also feel dry, and napping with contacts in also makes them feel dry, so I brought some saline, too.) I feel a wave of discomfort/pain through my back now and then, too. When that wave goes through, it has a labor-like effect of stimulating a feeling of fullness in the bowel ... now I have to go to the bathroom! (Or maybe that was the magnesium. Yeah, I think it was.)


    I can tell you what it doesn't feel like - cold/flu symptoms! (That's what they said to expect.)


    Think I may have reached bowel tolerance with the Magnesium? LOL


    This actually is a lot like labor. The discomfort comes in periodic waves, occasionally presents as pain, and primarily just takes relaxing and bearing it. I offer this for the intention of all those suffering from the cold today. So far my pulse is not as fast as last night on the drip.


    A drip per 2sec makes me feel pretty crappy. I breathed an audible sigh of relief when I saw she had taken it to 1 per 3s! I noticed yesterday and today that my normal trigger fingers lock up when I do this, but it could just be because of the reclined and stationary position. Before this, I'd never seen it happen except after sleeping for many hours in bed.

    Back to 2.5sec now, and feeling pretty crappy. Maybe I can nap now.

    ******
    Done! Strange - the last five minutes of the bag, I felt less discomfort, more awake and pleasant, and my dry nose went away, just as if the bag were already empty, but it was definitely still dripping. Odd!

    Notes: My hair is getting quite greasy, although that may have started the day before treatment, not sure, so it could be detoxification or it could be a result of the string of binges leading up to that. Also, sty on my eye today. Things coming out everywhere! Oooo, time for my detox bath...

    ETA Strangely, some time in the last half hour, my fingers stopped locking! Weird! They're just a little lock-y right now, which is also weird.
    Last edited by MamaGrok; 01-07-2014 at 05:57 PM.
    5'4" 36yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
    Starting: 185 lbs (March '10)
    Current: 132.5 lbs
    Goal: 135 lbs (Hit Jan '13)
    Beating bingeing since 10/31/11 on my Leptin Reset journey

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