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  1. #1301
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    Yeah, things are sucking externally right now. I can't bring myself to change the weight in my sig to 160 or whatever it is (I refuse to check). I have never ever in my life gained weight like this. Never. Doc isn't ready to give me hormonal treatment yet (and heck, DHEA is what got me 20lb of this, anyway!). But as always, giving up isn't an option. It's my job to work as if everything depends on me and pray as if everything depends on God ... b/c it does.

    The good news is, I don't even care about the bloating right now! It's horrid, but I don't thin kabout it, b/c my thighs hurt too much from rubbing together! LOL

    B: braunschweiger, sausage
    L: ditto. Apple. Dried pineapple galore. Olive tapenade spread from TJ's that is so addictive
    D: ditto. tiny apple. 5-6 dried apricot halves. Done. I really don't feel like eating.

    OA 12+12
    Powerless over food. I have no trouble admitting this whatever. I did it for the first time a decade ago, and the truth of it has only become more hammered in over time. Will power plays no role in my ability to resist a craving. It can only play a role in helping me do the things that will keep cravings from happening: pprayer, nutrition, amino acids, avoiding the near occasion of "sin", support from others, including OA. I'm no longer under any delusions that "strength of character" has anything to do with any addictions.

    Heck, I even listened to the man who kidnapped those girls for 10 years and heard in him the voice of addiction. He talked of how he desperately wanted to stop obsessing over sex, but he couldn't, and how it was now out of his control and he was doing awful things that he couldn't stop. Another decent person destroyed by an addiction (caused by whatever physical or emotional or spiritual dysfunction clogged his life prior to the awful point at which he found himself in 2004 writing that letter), and more innocent lives destroyed by someone else's addiction.

    "Compulsive eating is an illness that cannot be controlled by willpower." Couldn't agree more. "None of us decided to have this disorder, any more than we would have decided to have any other disease." I only wish that people would learn this is true of EVERY addiction, every obesity, every mental illness. No one asks for this crap. It's not a lack of willpower or a flaw of character in the overwhelming majority of cases (I can't say all only because I don't know everyone.). "We cease blaming ourselves or others for our compulsive eating." Nope, no one to blame here. Except 6 generations of processed crap going into my family's mouths, but they didn't know what would come of it. They can't be blamed for having absolutely no idea what it would do to their posterity. Had they known, they certainly wouldn't have done it. They're no more to blame than I am to blame for my own children's crowded teeth, recessed chins, etc.
    5'4" 36yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
    Starting: 185 lbs (March '10)
    Current: 132.5 lbs
    Goal: 135 lbs (Hit Jan '13)
    Beating bingeing since 10/31/11 on my Leptin Reset journey

  2. #1302
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    B: sausage, 3 eggs in bacon grease
    L: sausage, 1/2 carrot, bites of apple, 6-7 tiny dried apricot halves, 1.5oz melted cheese. Feel like continuing eating, but saying no.
    D:

    I still am dubious that anything emotional caused my compulsive eating, or causes any particular instance of it. Certainly once it is triggered, an emotional setback can make it worse. But it doesn't seem to trigger it in the first place. But it is possible that the dissociation I subconsciously learned in my childhood to cope with detachment may have depleted me of the neurotransmitters needed to create the endorphins that make us feel good, and that this lack of feeling good leads me to seek desperately the carbs that will mimic the effects of the endorphins.


    Yeah, that's the geek in me.


    I have no bad childhood eating habits. I didn't even have cravings till after four years of low-fat crap eating and tons of antibiotics destroying my gut flora balance. No problem adjusting, no stifled anger, no dysfunctional upbringing. I have a joyful marriage, no money troubles, wonderful children.

    5'4" 36yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
    Starting: 185 lbs (March '10)
    Current: 132.5 lbs
    Goal: 135 lbs (Hit Jan '13)
    Beating bingeing since 10/31/11 on my Leptin Reset journey

  3. #1303
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    Got a little compulsive with the dinner. I felt like I strongly desired something hefty, but not so much meat. Like PB, yogurt, cheese, corn ... I ate some plain whole yogurt, and some PB (first time in over a year). Then wanted frozen cherries and kept thinking of them and thinking of them. Getting on the alert.

    12+12:
    (I think I'm a day behind in posting)
    My spirituality has blossomed and flourished since becoming Catholic so long ago, and hence, adopting a spirituality that incorporates steps identical to the 12 Steps on a daily basis. All this has happened since the bingeing began, but never had any effect on the bingeing at all, which really bums me to think about in retrospect. Here are all these millions of people who join AA & OA, get the spirituality I already have, and POOF! stop bingeing. Well, I've done it, and I'm still bingeing! Very frustrating.


    I don't seem to have overeating as a trigger for my bingeing. I seem to overeat once I eat a trigger food, yes, and the overeating then makes the cravings worse, but the overeating doesn't seem to start the cravings. It sounds like my experience is not most people's experience. I do not ever crave or overeat foods like meat, non-starchy veggies, fish, eggs, fats, etc.
    (next day)
    It's certainly looking more and more like I "will always have these abnormal tendencies." That's depressing. I had really hoped that solving the underlying nutritional and gut flora problems that led to the cravings in the first place would eliminate the cravings forever. But there' s apossibility that I've done so much damage that it can't fully be undone, and I need a structure in place to keep me sane if that's true, and that's where I think OA may need to be a fixture in my life.

    However, the first half of that statement doesn't speak to me: "No matter how adept we become at facing life's problems" ... I spent years bingeing with no stress, no bad emotions at all, except for the misery that comes with realizing you just ate half a carton of ice cream and half a cheesecake. I mean, that's a pretty reasonable misery, lol! But I am perfectly adept at bingeing with no life problems whatsoever, and have been for as long as I've had this eating disorder, nearly 15 years now. I have never found that life's problems contribute to this, nor have I found or thought that dealing wtih them better would fix the problem.



    Likewise, the next sentence is foreign to me: "Those of us who have returned to our former CE behaviors have found it harder than ever to stop." I don't. I use the tools that have helped me in the past, and it's always easier than the last time to stop, b/c I didn't have those tools before. But it's always FRUSTRATING AS ALL GET OUT to find that the tools didn't stop the binges; they just delayed them and spread them out.



    Ultimately, it seems I'm being told that to stop the binges, a) avoid overeating, b) avoid trigger foods, and c) admit you're powerless/give it all to God/take moral inventory of yourself/make amends to those you've hurt/do this in perpetuity. But I spent 364 days doing exactly those things, with the cravings growing stronger all the time once I got past 6 months, and on the 365th days, despite never having eaten a trigger food or overeaten or quit the spiritual life, I binged. And the cravings continued on the same gradient, gradually increasing ever since (until I got on the aminos).

    Do a, b, and c work for many? Sounds like it. Are they enough for me? Obviously not. Could they be enough, combined with the nutrition and the aminos AND the support of the people in OA? Let's hope so.
    5'4" 36yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
    Starting: 185 lbs (March '10)
    Current: 132.5 lbs
    Goal: 135 lbs (Hit Jan '13)
    Beating bingeing since 10/31/11 on my Leptin Reset journey

  4. #1304
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    12+12

    Yes, I must abstain from all foods and eating behaviors which cause me problems, but I don't usually know which those are. When I have strong cravings, I can and will binge if I eat even one bite of grains, sweeteners, dairy, concentrated fruits, whole fruit, starchy veggies (like potatoes), coconut products, nuts, and even peas. When I have no cravings, I need only avoid grain, sugars, concentrated fruits, and maybe dairy. Obviously the first list is so long that it would be crazy and unhealthy to live on that restricted a diet for the rest of my life, or even more than a few months at a time. But there are times when I really have to.



    I wonder if there are many others who have this duality?


    "If we don't ever overeat, we won't trigger the reaction that makes us crave more."' I don't know about that. I spent 364 days not overeating, losing weight slowly and steadily, yet on the 365th, I binged like I had never eaten before. I didn't overeat that day until I did. KWIM? I didn't overeat until the candy was already was down my throat. It was too late by then.


    There was also the time I spent 3 months abstinent and not overeating, losing weight all the while, yet one bite of a candy was instantly a massive binge. There was no transition from "abstinent" to "bingeing." It was straight from one to the other.


    Am I really all that different from others? Or are they wrong, or am I wrong? What others describe does not sound like my experience, yet we are all, undeniably, compulsive overeaters.
    5'4" 36yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
    Starting: 185 lbs (March '10)
    Current: 132.5 lbs
    Goal: 135 lbs (Hit Jan '13)
    Beating bingeing since 10/31/11 on my Leptin Reset journey

  5. #1305
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    MamaGrok I am in the same boat, trying desperately to climb back out of this lake of binge eating hell I'm in right now. I made the mistake of having a few good days and got cocky, bought nuts, and now have been on a two week spree that I can't seem to snap out of.
    I'm so depressed, can't stop crying. Like you I question if I have no choice but to live on an ultra restrictive diet or life because almost everything sets me off. I'm too exhausted to keep fighting this so ill just resign myself to meat/veg/coconut oil. Even vegetables that aren't green are setting me off and making me hungry! It's insane . Nothing seems to work.
    I'm going to start leptin/keto tomorrow, I've hired a nutritionist to help me so we'll see. We can do this right

    Quote Originally Posted by MamaGrok View Post
    12+12

    Yes, I must abstain from all foods and eating behaviors which cause me problems, but I don't usually know which those are. When I have strong cravings, I can and will binge if I eat even one bite of grains, sweeteners, dairy, concentrated fruits, whole fruit, starchy veggies (like potatoes), coconut products, nuts, and even peas. When I have no cravings, I need only avoid grain, sugars, concentrated fruits, and maybe dairy. Obviously the first list is so long that it would be crazy and unhealthy to live on that restricted a diet for the rest of my life, or even more than a few months at a time. But there are times when I really have to.



    I wonder if there are many others who have this duality?


    "If we don't ever overeat, we won't trigger the reaction that makes us crave more."' I don't know about that. I spent 364 days not overeating, losing weight slowly and steadily, yet on the 365th, I binged like I had never eaten before. I didn't overeat that day until I did. KWIM? I didn't overeat until the candy was already was down my throat. It was too late by then.


    There was also the time I spent 3 months abstinent and not overeating, losing weight all the while, yet one bite of a candy was instantly a massive binge. There was no transition from "abstinent" to "bingeing." It was straight from one to the other.


    Am I really all that different from others? Or are they wrong, or am I wrong? What others describe does not sound like my experience, yet we are all, undeniably, compulsive overeaters.
    You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.
    Margaret Thatcher

  6. #1306
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    jennachica, I have been right there before. There was a time when I could only prevent binges with exactly the foods you're talking about. Then it got so bad that even that couldn't prevent them. Now, for the last 10 days, thanks be to God, I have been able to have a much more varied diet without any serious cravings (just the mild kind that I can say 'no' to, and they disappear).

    I can't say I understand it. I can say for sure that sufficient protein 3x/day, plenty of natural fats, and amino acids are critical to my health. But I can't say if/when the next fall will be. I can also say that I'm so grateful for the lessons I've learned through this, never to consider myself better than others, to judge them & their faults. I would never ever have chosen this path for myself, but it has made me a much better person. Now, I've learned my lesson already, can I have my normal life back now, God?!


    12+12:
    I have never dieted before. I will never diet. Ever. I will only ever eat foods that are nourishing and sustaining. Weight loss must always be an effect of improving health, not of calorie depletion. Excess weight is a symptom, not a disease in itself.


    Am I obsessed with food? Only when the cravings kick in. When things are settled, I couldn't care less. I remember those glorious months when "food is medicine, medicine is food," and food was not a game or a battle. I know that is normalcy. I know my hubby lives it every day. I pray with all my heart it returns to me. I can already feel it returning somewhat this week. Each day since last Sunday has been less caring about food than the day before. I'm not doing anything different from the week before, except one more dose per day of DLPA, and I don't think that's doing it. I think it's the time that has passed of filling up my AA tank every day, getting the greedy bacteria back in check, and waiting it all out.

    Self-destructive things I have done to avoid obesity: I used to skip almost every meal, b/c I ate all of my calorie allocation during the binges. But I stopped that 5+ years ago with Radiant Recovery, thanks be to God. I will never skip meals again. It's so destructive. I will nourish my body during meal time, come what (fat) may. I sometimes secretly interiorly wished I had the "courage" to purge, but I never had, TBTG. There is no destruction now except for the bingeing itself.
    5'4" 36yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
    Starting: 185 lbs (March '10)
    Current: 132.5 lbs
    Goal: 135 lbs (Hit Jan '13)
    Beating bingeing since 10/31/11 on my Leptin Reset journey

  7. #1307
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    12+12, still Step One
    I don't think it's difficult to admit the unmanageability of my life, either. The bingeing (and the low-fat crap) has led to chronic fatigue, mood swings, & a constant feeling of stress not proportionate to my life. I can't keep up my house, homeschooling, activities, spiritual practices, relationships, and charitable endeavors all at once. So my house is a mess. And my stress level increases b/c of the messy house - I HATE CLUTTER. I have no expectation of perfection in my house, never, never, ever. I just don't want toys and clothes and food on every horizontal surface. So yes, it's unmanageable, and utterly out of my hands. Thanks be to God I am really good at the "do the best I can and leave the results in the hands of God" mantra. But that doesn't make it fair to my beloved hubby and children who have to live in this mess, too.


    "That these didn't make us happy was surely due to the fact that we were fat." Well, this is for sure not me. My family and marriage and homeschooling and faith all make me very, very happy. I am very happy. Growing fatter makes me frustrated, just as losing a job would make someone feel frustrated. It's an objectively bad sign of how things are going. But it has no bearing whatsoever on my personal happiness. It's something I deal with - "do the best I can and leave the results in the hands of God." Would I be happier if all these things stayed good and I also returned to a healthy weight? Not happier. More satisfied, more comfortable, more at ease, sure, but happiness has nothing whatever to do with external things like body size.


    I am by no means excelling at my job of being a homemaker, but I'm doing my best, and that's good enough. If and when I have more physical resources of energy and mental togetherness, then I will do a better job.


    Is life without excess food unbearable? I remember when I used to feel it would be. I felt at that time that "never having cheesecake again for the restof my life" would be HORRIBLE, like losing a sister. I never thought of the reality that "never having a cigarette again" sounds just as horrible to the smoker, yet I lived happily smoke-free and could attest to the fact that the addiction was lying to them. Now I know. Now I know in my head an din my heart that any such thoughts are lies of the addiction, and I refuse to believe them, even when they, increasingly more rarely, pop up again. My life is far from unbearable without excess food. It is a true joy, true freedom, one unshackled from the bonds of obsessive, addiction-created thoughts.


    Alright, gotta stop for tonight.
    5'4" 36yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
    Starting: 185 lbs (March '10)
    Current: 132.5 lbs
    Goal: 135 lbs (Hit Jan '13)
    Beating bingeing since 10/31/11 on my Leptin Reset journey

  8. #1308
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    OK, this is disturbing. I noticed today for the first time that I have the trigger finger thing going on in the evening. It has always before only been noticeable after many hours of sleep. And it's getting worse as the night goes on. ??
    5'4" 36yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
    Starting: 185 lbs (March '10)
    Current: 132.5 lbs
    Goal: 135 lbs (Hit Jan '13)
    Beating bingeing since 10/31/11 on my Leptin Reset journey

  9. #1309
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    Screwed it up this weekend. Again.

    Anyway... back to the journal...

    12+12
    No, I don't eat to sate fears, anxieties, angers, disappointments. Just Friday, when I was bombarded with a huge task list, all of which were of dire importance, plus screaming toddlers, melting down 12 year olds, and nagging in-laws, I had no temptation to retreat to food. In fact, I almost lost my appetite. When the cravings aren't there, I never ever eat emotionally. When they're strong, and I'm already bingeing, then and only then will I eat emotionally.


    I'm not sure I understand what it means that "we tried to manage every detail of life." I don't really feel I need to manage everything, only the things that I can control and that are worthwhile to me. I can't tell if they're saying that "all" compulsive overeaters share all these things, or that most share some of the things mentioned. If I ever tried to manipulate others or force others, I don't now. It's pointless. If I want someone else to do something, I search my heart for whether it's truly good for him, and if so, pray earnestly and prepare my response should the person ever come looking for my insight. Forcing is useless and manipulation is grotesquely disrespectful of autonomy and free will. God doesn't do it to me and I won't do it to others, even if it would be better if they would do the thing I want for them (like stop bingeing!).


    Yes, I end up demoralized when I try to control my bingeing and can't. Sometimes less so, when I reflect on how much it's truly out of my hands (even while doing whatever I can), sometimes moreso, when I try to remember to feel things and not just ignore negative feelings. I'm trying to learn to sit with feelings rather than disregard them and move past them.


    Yes, when I am binge-susceptible, I hide from pain by eating, just as I might hide from pain by a beautiful hike in the woods, a wonderful symphony, belting out a song, or some other pleasant thing. When I'm not binge-susceptible, I do not, and am not tempted to do so. Right now, I'm very close to being not binge-susceptible, and although I'll feel a twinge of craving, it's easy to think "I will not do that; I'll deal with stress or pain or craving or whatever some other way."


    I admit that often, the way others tell me to think through step one *sounds* like saying I can and should do nothing about my cravings other than OA. I will NEVER stop eating protein for every meal or plenty of natural fat or taking my amino acids, not for anyone. "God helps those who help themselves." "Work as if everything depends on me; pray as if everything depends on God (b/c it does)." I just keep talking, b/c I"m sure they don't mean that, lol, and I'll realize they're meaning the same thing even though our words are different.


    "We do have an incurable disease." I'm not so sure it's incurable, but I'm also not sure mine will ever be cured. So in the meantime, I have to consider, what if I've damaged my brain/gut/whatever so much that I can never get back to that place where "I don't care" about food again?


    I think that when I'm feeling resentful, it would be helpful for me to say, "I'm brain damaged. I can't eat that." As the book says, this is a freakin' FATAL disease!

    5'4" 36yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
    Starting: 185 lbs (March '10)
    Current: 132.5 lbs
    Goal: 135 lbs (Hit Jan '13)
    Beating bingeing since 10/31/11 on my Leptin Reset journey

  10. #1310
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    I should start a new Before/After thread.

    Ladies and gentlemen, in just 10 short months, I went from a size 6 to a 16!

    You can, too, if you can figure out how I did it, because I have NO IDEA how I did this!!
    5'4" 36yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
    Starting: 185 lbs (March '10)
    Current: 132.5 lbs
    Goal: 135 lbs (Hit Jan '13)
    Beating bingeing since 10/31/11 on my Leptin Reset journey

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