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  1. #1291
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    Since part of my OA action plan is to journal my thoughts after reading a daily OA meditation, I might as well pput it here.

    Today, Oct 5, 2013, from OA For Today, the passage I read is on hating others... My response:
    I don't hate anyone. I have long since moved past that part of my life. God knows that I am no better than ANYONE else, anywhere. I am good; I am wonderfully made. So are they. They have sinned and hurt others; so have I. I have no room for hate.

    They make a good point that holding in hate is not much better than showing it. It's still in your heart, and still rots you. I thank God with all my heart for the day He showed me that in a Kroger parking lot about 8 years ago. Animosity, tearing down others, if it's in my heart, my heart is still black.

    I had some brilliant thought earlier today about how to apply this passage to a part of my life other than the emotion of hate, but I've lost it now. Some genius I am, LOL.

    Going to sleep now with a huge bloated stomach and legs that rub together again when I walk. Praying for a beautiful day tomorrow.

    For today, I will be abstinent, just for today.
    5'4" 36yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
    Starting: 185 lbs (March '10)
    Current: 132.5 lbs
    Goal: 135 lbs (Hit Jan '13)
    Beating bingeing since 10/31/11 on my Leptin Reset journey

  2. #1292
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    Interestingly, while eating 95% primal, no wheat, and almost nothing processed, I haven't had any night sweats except when I really went crazy with grocery store cheesecake (no crust) or something similar, too close to bed. Sugar isn't even giving me palpitations right now. Don't know why. I seem to be tolerating it better than in many years, even while gaining weight like gangbusters. Probably pushing 160 right now.

    Gah, that makes me so sad to write.
    5'4" 36yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
    Starting: 185 lbs (March '10)
    Current: 132.5 lbs
    Goal: 135 lbs (Hit Jan '13)
    Beating bingeing since 10/31/11 on my Leptin Reset journey

  3. #1293
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    Maybe the grains/dairy/sugar are keeping me from absorbing the AA's? Maybe I need to open them up and take them under my tongue to bypass my gut? (The ones I need most taste HORRIBLE, lol. This coming from a girl who has regularly eaten raw liver chunks at breakfast time. I know HORRIBLE!)

    I'm challenging myself, based on some reflections since I started OA, to FEEL negative emotions. I think, based on a conversation with some folks at Optimal Health Cave, that I have dissociated myself from unpleasant feelings my whole life (detachment parenting effects?), and I think it would help lower my stress levels to feel negative emotions rather than just ignoring them and moving on. Especially if I'm on the brink of a binge. This one small way may be the only way I really have an emotional component to my eating. I certainly don't relate to all the tales of eating to cover up the pain of hating oneself or whatever.

    It's weird to see myself typing about my stress levels. I used to be the most stress-free person in the world, even with, objectively, huge loads of things that could have caused me stress. I hate being stressed. I want my normal adrenal glands back.
    Last edited by MamaGrok; 10-05-2013 at 08:47 PM.
    5'4" 36yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
    Starting: 185 lbs (March '10)
    Current: 132.5 lbs
    Goal: 135 lbs (Hit Jan '13)
    Beating bingeing since 10/31/11 on my Leptin Reset journey

  4. #1294
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    Today was strange. I felt like ignoring all sweet foods all day, except I felt a strange, non-craving compulsion to try a new GF cookie dough I found, and I didn't even like it, but I ate like 8 cookies and feel terrible. Alas. Tomorrow is another day. It's certainly not an end-of-the-world binge. My head is spinning, though.

    B: sausage (not quite enough)
    L: roast beef & horseradish, apple
    D: chicken salad, potato chips, sweet potato chips, cookie dough that led me to the chips

    OA4T:
    On the fear of excelling. Wow, totally don't relate. I have always always always relished excellence. Part of why this eating disorder is so frustrating, and so apt for me, is how it proves to me that my excellence was never really a matter of my will. It was a matter of God giving me willpower and discipline in my toolbox of human qualities, which lasted only so long as He saw them useful. It has been horrifically and beneficially humbling to realize that, and to wallow in the humiliating disorder of binge eating when I once was a paragon of self-discipline and fitness.

    Certainly I agree that not obsessing about one's performance is freeing. As Mother Theresa and others have said, my job is to do my best, and leave the results in the hands of God. God calls me not to perfection, but to obedience. I do everything I can with what He has given me, and whether or not those efforts are successful is out of my hands. I don't have to worry about or stress about the results, only put all my efforts into the tasks at hand. This is very freeing, including when dealing with the BED. I try my hardest, no beating myself up about the results.
    5'4" 36yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
    Starting: 185 lbs (March '10)
    Current: 132.5 lbs
    Goal: 135 lbs (Hit Jan '13)
    Beating bingeing since 10/31/11 on my Leptin Reset journey

  5. #1295
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    Zero sugar, grains, or dairy yesterday.
    Zero so far today.

    OA4T: On action vs criticism.
    I disagree that doers are the ones who were criticized the least as children, but I certainly agree that criticizing a lot, or unnecessarily, or unkindly, all is unlikely to have the result you desire. I spent the first 25-30 years of my life criticizing everybody all the time, mostly silently, but often out loud behind their backs, in what I thought were discrete and clever manners. Losing that trait has been one of the most wonderful events of my life, for which I am forever thankful to God, b/c I was such a die-hard judger and criticizer that only a miracle could have change me, and that is exactly what happened. I can find myself slipping into that at times, but it is rare, and I can spot it, and greatly desire to overcome it.

    OA meetings are interesting, b/c I don't feel any temptation to judge or criticize anyone. It's probably b/c I know for a fact not only that they are broken (everyone in the world is, in some way), but I know exactly how they're broken. I probably feel safer b/c there is no room for envy - I know we're all broken. I should remember that everywhere we go - we're all broken; we're all in this together.
    5'4" 36yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
    Starting: 185 lbs (March '10)
    Current: 132.5 lbs
    Goal: 135 lbs (Hit Jan '13)
    Beating bingeing since 10/31/11 on my Leptin Reset journey

  6. #1296
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    HA! I just took a bite of a GF cookie. But I didn't like it and it made me want milk. Obviously the AA's are kicking in again. I preferred a tiny swig of my cranberry-cherry drink.

    B: sausage, chorizo, 3-4 dried apricot halves
    L: chicken salad, leftover ground beef, 3-4 dried apricot halves
    D: chorizo, beef steak, mashed potatoes, bit of sweet potato, bite of GF cookie, swig of cran-cherry juice (no sweeteners, no other juices at all), some raisins, 2-3 dried apricot halves.

    Yes, that's a lot of apricots in one day! But it's better than sugar, and tapering off sweets with fruit has always helped me.
    5'4" 36yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
    Starting: 185 lbs (March '10)
    Current: 132.5 lbs
    Goal: 135 lbs (Hit Jan '13)
    Beating bingeing since 10/31/11 on my Leptin Reset journey

  7. #1297
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    Hi MamaGrok!

    I just wanted to say hello! I haven't read all of your journals (still catching up), but I wanted to say hey! I have a lot of success with the Leptin Reset and BABs. I've dabbled with OA several times, but I think I get overconfident when an LR works for me for a while, and then life happens and I eat wheat/sugar/dairy and gain weight. Your posts about OA inspired me to hit an online meeting. :-) So thanks!
    My Leptin Reset Journey


    Current BF%: 35
    Goal BF%: 20-23

  8. #1298
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    Howdy! I can't imagine anyone actually reading this crcazy long thing, but I sure hope it can offer someone some support for something!

    4 days binge-free. Woohoo! I'm even losing the love for dried fruit now. Is it the AA's kicking in again? Why did they take so long? I wasn't always remembering all of them even before (getting a 7-day pill container for my 7 pill periods each day helped!), so maybe I was slowly running dry even without realizing it?

    I'm getting almost lazy with my protein. It's so nice not to have cramps and runs all the time that I don't want to hit that threshold again. Maybe some day I'll be well enough to focus on that secondary issue of why I get cramps & runs when I have a lot of protein.
    5'4" 36yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
    Starting: 185 lbs (March '10)
    Current: 132.5 lbs
    Goal: 135 lbs (Hit Jan '13)
    Beating bingeing since 10/31/11 on my Leptin Reset journey

  9. #1299
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    B: sausage, ground beef, apple
    L: leftover sausage, ground beef, etc., some dried pineapple
    D: leftover sausage, ground beef, chorizo, apple, some dried apricots
    5'4" 36yo mother to five sweeties & married to their AMAZING DaddyGrok
    Starting: 185 lbs (March '10)
    Current: 132.5 lbs
    Goal: 135 lbs (Hit Jan '13)
    Beating bingeing since 10/31/11 on my Leptin Reset journey

  10. #1300
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    Hey there Primal sister,
    Just want to wish you the best in this journey of yours. It sounds like you're taking some significant internal steps. I know the frustration of doing the right things, but it not being reflected on the outside yet. By the grace if God, carry on.

    I'm back up to 151.8 today. Something has shifted in my system. 10 lb weight gain in about a month. My NP put me back on Metformin. I'm having my hormones tested on Monday. So discouraging. But by God's grace I won't give up either.

    Bless you and your family.
    Favorite Mark Quote: "I train to play."

    June 2010: 168.6 -size 16
    Current: 146.8 - size 10/12
    Goal:135 - size 8

    My Journal

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