~Sept 22, 2011
Some preliminary numbers, 'cause the humiliation has to start somewhere. It is worth noting (to me) that these numbers come from the gym's equipment and my scale is much more kind.
percentage body fat: 31.1% (the HORROR)
of course there are other measurements, but I'll have a Dr do all that.
I'm pretty. Not beautiful or gorgeous; just pretty. Even that depends on the right set of circumstances: lighting, surrounding colors, mood...whether I've combed my hair. I'm also fat and that doesn't depend on anything but mirrors and a sense of sight. I've held on to this excess weight for a very long time. I have very few friends who have been with me as long as those early pounds. Oh, sure, I've done the fad diets, resolved to "eat right and exercise," and I've lost weight then gained it back plus some. It’s the same old story you’ve heard a million times from almost everyone who has struggled with the issue.
I was in my very early 20s when I recognized that I didn't really want to shed the pounds. I went through weight loss motions like I knew fat girls should, and every time there was loss I got a lot of notice and praise. And lots more attention from the men in my life. This was a problem because my husband was overseas and I was lonely... that's the first time I consciously decided to hold on to the extra pounds and a light bulb turned on. Duh-- I'd been simultaneously vying for and dreading male attention my whole life. By keeping myself fat, I was narrowing the possibilities and maintaining some semblance of control (however shabby) over who was coming 'round. And I could tell myself that they must care because I'm not much to look at. I wouldn't go back to that time for anything...
In the last 4 years, I have been hit with insight after insight and I have concluded that I don't like me very much. But I love the potential me I see inside. With inspiration from a few very special people, I have begun to let my outside match that beautiful woman gracefully waiting for my trust in her ability to hold her own in the world I grew up in. And it's about time I let go.
So, as a Christmas present to me, I am making a 3 month commitment (still a commitment-phobe; baby steps!) to make 100% effort to eat right and kick my ass into shape. "But, Mariha, WHY are you making it so public?!" I'm so glad you asked. By making this almost public announcement, I have taken the accountability factor up a notch or three. I make excuses to myself all the damn time. They are especially easy when I am the only one who knows I'm making them. So I am writing it down and posting it where many of those closest to me can see it and ask me how it's going. I will write weekly updates and take weekly photos to track my progress and you can follow along or not. Frankly, I'm not doing this for you; I'm doing it for that great and terrible beauty inside.