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Thread: Cassanina's Primal Journal (Hooray!) page

  1. #1
    Cassanina's Avatar
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    Cassanina's Primal Journal (Hooray!)

    Primal Fuel
    Accountability. That's what this is.

    I come from a family of fairly overweight women, except, by some miracle, for my two younger sisters. My mother, my aunts, my grandmother....all overweight. Scratch that. All OBESE. In fact, my mother just had Lap Band surgery a month ago. Pre-diabetic, and my grandmother is full out diabetic with many other health problems. If I don't change my ways, I'll end up just like they are.

    Thankfully, I'm not obese. But I definitely have a good 25-35 pounds that shouldn't be around. I'm in the military, and while I can (sometimes BARELY) pass their body fat standards, I am unhappy with how I look and feel. Even worse, I'm an officer and supposed to be setting a good example for all those around me. Epic fail! (So far at least).

    When I was in Iraq in 2009, I first heard of the Paleo diet and read Loren Cordain's book. It made a lot of sense to me, and I was able to change my ways, but I was still severely addicted to carbs and would binge at least once a week, and hard. Come to find out, I have been living in denial about having an eating disorder for the last 5-10 years. I am an overeater, a binge-eater, and (I think) a recovering one now.

    I was abused when I was around 4-6yrs old (and wow, I just posted that to the whole world) and share that in hopes that it may eventually help others who have been. As a result, I shaped this whole self esteem inside my head where I wasn't good enough, which resulted in a full blown eating disorder in my 20s. I went to counseling and it wasn't until I started working on the abuse (the cause) rather than the eating disorder (the symptom) that things started to get better.

    So here I am. Extremely knowledgable about what food is good for me, and what food isn't, but still struggling with carb-binges as a result of a recovering eating disorder. And thankfully it's not January yet, so I can make this "resolution" without the corny-ness and ultimately futile ending that comes with New Year's.

    I WILL TAKE BACK CONTROL OF MY LIFE.
    I WILL FEED MYSELF FOOD THAT IS GOOD FOR MY BODY AND MY MIND.
    I WILL CONTINUE TO WORK OUT MY EATING DISORDER THROUGH COUNSELING AND PRAY THAT I WILL ONE DAY DEFEAT IT.
    AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, I WILL NOT END UP LIKE THE REST OF THE WOMEN IN MY FAMILY.

    I'm 28 years old, 5'6" and probably 175-180 pounds. Weighing in regularly really messes up my eating disorder, so I choose to gauge myself on other things. I'm wearing a size 14 (loose).

    Goal: 145-150, size 6-8

    I've been doing Crossfit for about a month and absolutely love it. I'm also supplementing it with the 100-pushup challenge (and also doing the situp, dips and squats challenges).

    Oh, and I just ordered about 1/8 of a grassfed cow from a local farmer near Austin, TX, as well as a bunch of chicken, bison, pork, bacon and butter from US Wellness Meats.

    And I signed up for the Whole9 Nutrition seminar that's coming to Austin in two weeks. Hooray!

    Hoping this journal will keep me accountable, and also will let me see how far I've come!
    的t's a lifestyle--train like there's no finish line".

    Army Officer by day.
    Practicing Crossfitter, Yogi, Chef and Hiker by night.

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    hey Cassanina! great goin! i've got similar issues - while i often Wished i was given something tangible to fight against as a kid, all the abuse i got was verbal, and Really messed with my head. i Definitely have issues with being 'good enough' and am Definitely an emotional eater/stress eater/binge and over eater. i am AMAZED at how easy it feels for me to do this diet so far. having a houseful of support (and telling all your friends) makes a huge difference, too.

    sounds like you're prepared with all that good meat on the way, lucky you! we're trying to find good meat around here, but so many folks who started up just fizzle out after a few seasons or years. i've got chickens, but it'll be awhile before i can eat any of them, and i'm not ready for larger critters yet.

    anyway, good for you! i totally feel accountable to the three young girls i live with, and i am tired of avoiding their questions when i come home from the store with ice cream, brownie mix, and chocolate milk. i will Not lie to them, but it was too much to keep pussy footing around the fact that i have a Problem, that i am embarrassed about it, and that i don't want them to think my habits are okay. setting an example is a big deal, and a good way to get the kick in the ass we need sometimes.

    i was really happy to see your post in my journal today, so i'll be sure to keep an eye on yours, too. it's good to have someone else (and another woman!) starting right around the same time as me. so keep it up!

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    Thanks Joan!

    Sorry to hear that you're also an emotional/stress/binge eater. I kind of thing it's something that will never TOTALLY go away, but I will be able to control it as much as humanely possible!

    That's great that you have so much support going on, as that will definitely help! My roommate is pretty much grain-free, so that will help. I've had many a days where I used to binge eat in my room so she wouldn't notice. I'm really hopefully that is put to a stop now.

    I am jealous that you have chickens, that is very cool! I just ordered my chicken stuff from US Wellness because I haven't found a local farmer yet. I really want to find one, so I can buy some eggs too! Maybe I should just buy a chicken that'll leg me fresh eggs every morning.

    Nice to have someone starting their journey at the same time. Looks like we're doing this together I am looking forward to following you!
    的t's a lifestyle--train like there's no finish line".

    Army Officer by day.
    Practicing Crossfitter, Yogi, Chef and Hiker by night.

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    Day One
    1 day Binge Free

    Well day one of my (restarted) journey was a success! IF'd through breakfast, and pretty much ate meat, coconut cream and a little fruit all day. Also did some body weight workouts (about 15mins) which I will count as Lifting Heavy Things. It's Washington, and it's cold, so no slow moving or sunlight in my day. Maybe I'll bundle up today and try for a bit.

    I've been on leave for Christmas for the last week and I allowed myself a few days to eat alongside my family and "enjoy" my trip. Kind of just turned into a couple of binge days, but I tried not to feel guilty and just understand that it means that I'm not completely healed yet AND THAT'S OK. Can't see your progress sometimes without a little testing, and it's better than I did last year so that's a plus.

    I've got 9 more days home before I head back to Texas and to my real life and my job. Things are usually easier at my own house, so I just need to really focus on getting through these days. I told my family that Christmas Day was the last day I was going to be eating any of the "poison" anymore, so they're on board as much as they can be.

    My family is just a disaster when it comes to food and healthy eating. My youngest sister became a vegetarian about a year ago and so she eats a lot of tofu and beans. I cannot for the life of me understand why she would give up meat (it's soooo tasty!) but it is what it is. She's tiny, and can get away with it, for now. My middle sister is a typical "healthy eater" by CW standards. Low fat milk, whole grains, whoot-whoot. She is also tiny and has NEVER had a problem with her weight or anything in her life, which makes it very hard for her to understand my troubles. I often hear "can't you just be happy with your body right now?" when I talk about losing weight. I would be happy, if I wasn't killing myself slowly from the inside out. I would be happy if I wasn't constantly thinking about food and drowning my "not good enough" feelings with it. Working on both of those now, so yeah! And then there is my mother. Love her to pieces, but I get so many of my bad habits and food issues from her. She's a binge eater, or at least a high-quantity crappy food eater. She was skinny up until I was about 4 or 5 and started gaining weight ever since. Slim Fast, Adkins, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig. She's done it all. Some worked, and then she would go off of it. She actually lost almost 100 pounds on Adkins, and then couldn't keep it up because she is a carbaholic. So fast forward a few years, and she just recently got the lap bad surgery. After I've been going through counseling for a while for all my food issues (which are just symptoms of other things), she refuses to deal with anything that may have gotten her to where she is now. Says she doesn't have time for counseling. Well I am hopeful that she'll change her mind because the lap bad will fail to work eventually and she'll need to figure out why she drowns her sorrows in carbs. Now that she had the surgery, she's kind of just eating the same stuff as before but in smaller portions: sugary breakfast cereal, chips, macaroni and cheese, mexican/chinese food, etc. She lost almost 30 pounds the first month, but I really hope she can look at her diet and see that it needs to change. I got her a kindle for xmas and I really want to recommend some great books for her.

    I want to set a positive example for my family, but I have a feeling they'll never change. And to be honest, that's ok. But *I* will change. We all live in separate states (WA, OR, TX and FL), so we don't interact often enough to change each other.

    I just bought tickets yesterday to go to the Caribbean to visit my sister the first week of March. I am bound and determined to wear a bikini, so that gives me like 10 weeks to LITERALLY get my butt into gear! I CAN DO IT!! I'm spending too much on the trip to be disappointed in any of the pictures or be self-conscious. I can't wait to get back to Crossfit next week!
    的t's a lifestyle--train like there's no finish line".

    Army Officer by day.
    Practicing Crossfitter, Yogi, Chef and Hiker by night.

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    sounds like that vacation is the Perfect motivation. are you doing progress pictures during those ten weeks? i love seeing the changes people make!

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    I took some pics about a month ago, and I'll probably take one or two more before March just to see. Not sure if I'll post them or not (depends on how good the "after" shot is!)

    Ugh---I am super frustrated with my family right now. I was about to do a quick workout and have been talking about healthy eating and we just got in a fight because "why can't I just be happy with the way I am". Seriously, WTF?! I am happy with myself, but doesn't mean I can't want to make positive changes like eating right and working out in hopes that I'll be healthier, fitter, and yes smaller. Apparently me "dieting" and "working out" is just self-loathing?! They didn't say those words, but they keep spouting on about me just needing to be happy with my size now and not try to change it basically. Perhaps I am getting upset for no reason, but I really feel like they just don't understand.
    的t's a lifestyle--train like there's no finish line".

    Army Officer by day.
    Practicing Crossfitter, Yogi, Chef and Hiker by night.

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    i started making big non-mainstream life changes in 2007. i was excited to share stories with family, until i realized that they would all get defensive really quickly. do you think there's any defensiveness under the facade of their words? are they worried that if you go through with this change, and it turns out well, that They'll feel less, or pressured to make some change themselves? eating healthier and exercising are two Big ones that most folks agree will help you be healthier, so it's easy for someone who doesn't want to change Themselves to have a negative gut reaction to someone else being proactive and vocal about those changes. it may come off as a threat to them instinctively. of course, all that being said, it Still hurts when they don't respond well to your own good choices. i hope you find the strength and will to stick with it, and the patience with your family to continue being yourself around them without guilt or retaliation.

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    Hi Cassanina!
    Thanks for your honest sharing. I also have a childhood history of abuse, and have been in recovery for that for a number of years. I'm also a recovering addict (from a long line of alcoholics/addicts), and food has always played a big part in that. I had major sweet/carb addictions (and will always have a tendency to them), but as long as I stay away from them and stick with meat and veggies, the cravings, eating disorders, and candida flareups aren't a problem. When I first started leaving out the carbs, I did have major candida die of problems, but gratefully I think I'm past all that now.

    I also agree with joan regarding your family. Anytime we change, those around us are uncomfortable. I've found it best in my life to not share my changes too much with family, unless they notice a difference and ask. I don't eat dairy, wheat & other grains, anything with nitrates, and a variety of other things, and rather than bring their attention to it at family or other gatherings, I just eat what I can, always bringing along something I CAN eat, just in case everything else is laden with the stuff I can't have.
    Terri the Harp Player
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    Wherever you go, there you are!

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    Thanks Terri and Joan for your comments! My family (myself included) is full of pretty stubborn people, so I am not surprised that there is some resistance to this new way of eating. I had a talk with my mother after the fight last night and she said that she's worried that if I don't love my body NOW that I'll do what she did and just yo-yo diet my way to 300 pounds. I said, "this is not a diet it's a way of eating for life and I don't ever want to add those things back in on a regular basis". We had a good talk and I think it helped a lot. I am hopeful that eventually they may change their ways and examine their diets, but I can't force it on them. My mom actually agreed to download "Why We Get Fat" (I read this book twice in the last two weeks already!), and I am hopeful that it might turn somelights on for her.
    的t's a lifestyle--train like there's no finish line".

    Army Officer by day.
    Practicing Crossfitter, Yogi, Chef and Hiker by night.

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    PrimalCon New York
    Day Two
    2 days Binge Free

    Well day 2 was another success, despite the fight with my family!

    Instead of doing a fast through breakfast, I decided to have a big breakfast pretty soon after waking up, and then a late lunch. Seemed to work a little better than a big lunch and dinner. Going to try it out again today and see. Got some grass-fed beef from my Aunt who just bought 1/2 a cow for her family, so I'm going to try that out today. I am excited because my beef is ready for pickup on 14-Jan, so this is a good preview. To be honest, I'm not sure I've ever had grass-fed beef before!

    Did some more body weight training yesterday. I am following the 100 pushups, 150 dips, 200 situps and 200 squats plans that are online. They are 6-week plans, 3 days a week, decided to get you up to said amount of exercise in that time. I made a schedule (because I am a huge dork and love checking things off lists!) and am doing it 6 days a week: MWF---Pushups and Squats, TRS--Dips and Situps. Figure it'll keep me a little busy while I'm home in Washington without a gym, and is something I can do in 15 minutes each morning in conjuction with my nightly Crossfit workouts when I get back to Texas. I should be talking the Army Physical Fitness Test again at the end of January or beginning of February, so want to easily sail through the pushups and situps.

    I think my family wants to go wine tasting today. There are almost 100 wineries within 40 miles of my hometown. It's the "Napa Valley" of Washington state. I am going to politely decline, if at all possible. If I go, I won't drink, and that's no fun to just watch them! We'll see if they let me get away with it. We went out to Mexican last week and they MADE me go and I sat there and drank water. It was kind of amusing actually.

    8 more days of vacation before I'm back to my job. Just enjoying this time relaxing, browsing the internet, reading a ton of books and enjoying actual cable TV for the first time in 6 months since I canceled mine. I still watch some shows online while in Texas, but it's kind of cool to enjoy the cable again here. And my mother and I are watching all the episdoes of Game of Thrones before I leave too.

    I saw something on someone else's journal about how they avoided eating poorly one night because they knew they'd have to post about it on their journal that next day. I definitely can understand! I am very hopeful that being accountable to this journal will help any future incidents that may tempt me because I'll have to explain my actions in the morning! Keep me accountable, guys!
    的t's a lifestyle--train like there's no finish line".

    Army Officer by day.
    Practicing Crossfitter, Yogi, Chef and Hiker by night.

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