She-Groks Only.......... cuz it works different for us page 177

[valmason01]

okay ladies..I need help. Oh on so many levels .

Somehow my life is at a point where I just don't really have any close friends I can talk to about these things. My sister and I are very close but some things she just isn't the best to talk to about. Anyway...because I find it hard to get out and meet people I have done the online dating thing off and on. I am 46 and with the exception of a very brief (2 year) marriage that gave me my son I have been single my entire life. I have had no live ins and no functional relationships. A few weeks ago I met this guy online. I was at a point of quitting but he seemed interesting and normal enough to try one more time. Of course he lives three hours away but we met halfway for supper the first week, have talked and texted everyday and this weekend he spent the weekend. He said more than once over the last few weeks how excited he was he met me, I was just the kind of woman he had been looking for, that we had something special, blah blah blah...he drove up here this weekend despite the fact that I was sick because he wanted to spend time with me. I know and told him I have trust issues. I found myself the whole time analyzing in my head everything he said looking for lies. And by today I could tell he was pulling away from me. When he left he said 'don't be a stranger'. And I said 'will i see you again?" "Of course!" he says. But there was just something there...or not there as the case may be. And I am hurt. I liked him, so wanted him to be different but it is just one more failure in a lifetime of failures. I confess I am very depressed right now. I am tired of being by myself. I want a life I can build with someone but I keep blowing it. I am at the point of realizing I may very well spend the rest of my life alone. All very dramatic sounding I know. Please forgive me for that. I don't know what exactly I am doing wrong, what is wrong with me so I don't know how to fix it. Obviously none of you know me either but any ideas or thoughts or just encouragement would be great. Any feedback from guys would be nice too. I am missing something somehow and I am tired of missing it. It will be one more New Years Eve spent alone.

[RitaRose]

I know and told him I have trust issues. I found myself the whole time analyzing in my head everything he said looking for lies. And by today I could tell he was pulling away from me. When he left he said 'don't be a stranger'. And I said 'will i see you again?" "Of course!" he says. But there was just something there...or not there as the case may be.

I wouldn't neccessarily say "Don't be a stranger" is automatically a "See you later, but not if I see you first." Was he maybe hinting that he doesn't see you as often as he would like? Especially when followed with an "Of course!" about seeing you again. I'm not saying he's ready to pop the question, but I honestly wouldn't write him off unless he has said you're through.

You say yourself that "I found myself the whole time analyzing in my head everything he said looking for lies." When you're a hammer, everything looks like a nail. Stop trying to sabatoge this. I know that's easier said than done, but you're not going to have what you want out of a relationship until you are able to accept what a man is bringing without the strings tying you to your past. You may need to see a counselor to work that out.

I'm not saying he's head over heels for you. I honestly don't know since I wasn't there. I'm just saying that what you told us sounds like someone that is making an effort to be with you, and what he said could also mean he'd like to see you more often, not less.

I met my boyfriend of 3 years now through online dating (I was 45), and I know a few other couples our age that met online and married within the past couple of years. It can work.

[Rojo]

My two dude cents: I think you may be subconsciously driving him away. Why should you be trying to catch him in lies? You're not a bank approving a loan. He may have something going on with somebody else. But at this point, so what? You can do the same.

I'm about your age and single. One thing I'm learning: get rid of the needy. I have it, sounds like you have it, we all have it --- great, vast subterranean wells of needy. Acknowledge it, be ok with and then put it aside.

“Folks, I'm telling you,
birthing is hard
and dying is mean-
so get yourself
a little loving
in between.”

― Langston Hughes

[phigment]

i wish i could help, valmason. All i can say is try to give him the benefit of a doubt. Our histories sound indentical. I was married for aprox 5 years and miscarried once. I've gotton many offers to hook up, but that is just not me. I haven't tried online yet but have thought about it.

[jo]

okay ladies..I need help. Oh on so many levels .

Somehow my life is at a point where I just don't really have any close friends I can talk to about these things. My sister and I are very close but some things she just isn't the best to talk to about. Anyway...because I find it hard to get out and meet people I have done the online dating thing off and on. I am 46 and with the exception of a very brief (2 year) marriage that gave me my son I have been single my entire life. I have had no live ins and no functional relationships. A few weeks ago I met this guy online. I was at a point of quitting but he seemed interesting and normal enough to try one more time. Of course he lives three hours away but we met halfway for supper the first week, have talked and texted everyday and this weekend he spent the weekend. He said more than once over the last few weeks how excited he was he met me, I was just the kind of woman he had been looking for, that we had something special, blah blah blah...he drove up here this weekend despite the fact that I was sick because he wanted to spend time with me. I know and told him I have trust issues. I found myself the whole time analyzing in my head everything he said looking for lies. And by today I could tell he was pulling away from me. When he left he said 'don't be a stranger'. And I said 'will i see you again?" "Of course!" he says. But there was just something there...or not there as the case may be. And I am hurt. I liked him, so wanted him to be different but it is just one more failure in a lifetime of failures. I confess I am very depressed right now. I am tired of being by myself. I want a life I can build with someone but I keep blowing it. I am at the point of realizing I may very well spend the rest of my life alone. All very dramatic sounding I know. Please forgive me for that. I don't know what exactly I am doing wrong, what is wrong with me so I don't know how to fix it. Obviously none of you know me either but any ideas or thoughts or just encouragement would be great. Any feedback from guys would be nice too. I am missing something somehow and I am tired of missing it. It will be one more New Years Eve spent alone.

I can't see anything there that says he doesn't want you. Did I miss something? OK, you had a feeling. While I think gut feelings can be useful, they are not always right. Why not sent a text to say hi, and see how he responds. You are testing him out, maybe he is testing you to see if YOU really care about him. If he doesn't respond, then sure your gut was right.

[valmason01]

Thank you all for the perspective. He did text when he got home and I said how much I enjoyed the weekend. He responded with "me too honey..xo". So maybe I am being unfair and allowing my needy to overtake me. I have thought of counseling, I am certainly not ruling it out.

Yes Rojo, I sometimes wonder if I am not subconsciously trying to drive him (or anyone away), make it a self fulfilling prophecy. So...I need to get past this and keep trying. Thanks again all. All your comments really did help and gave me hope I can get past this.

[jo]

Thank you all for the perspective. He did text when he got home and I said how much I enjoyed the weekend. He responded with "me too honey..xo". So maybe I am being unfair and allowing my needy to overtake me. I have thought of counseling, I am certainly not ruling it out.

Yes Rojo, I sometimes wonder if I am not subconsciously trying to drive him (or anyone away), make it a self fulfilling prophecy. So...I need to get past this and keep trying. Thanks again all. All your comments really did help and gave me hope I can get past this.

Aaaaaaahhhhhh.... lovely. Ha ha. I hope it works out for you.

[valmason01]

Thank you...me too Or at least I learn how to pull my big girl panties up and get to living.

[teach2183]

I agree with the others. You have to believe you are worth it for him to believe so as well. If he didn't want to be with you, why would he come see while you're sick? Surely if she was seeing someone else she was available and not sick, right? I would consider counseling to work on your self-esteem, you are worth it.

[valmason01]

Thank you teach. Believe it or not my self esteem is so much better than it was even a year ago I really didn't know it was still this bad until I met someone I really liked. So...I am working on being positive and not negative believing that it is possible for me to have a good relationship and that I deserve one. Thank you all for listening and advice!

I agree with the others. You have to believe you are worth it for him to believe so as well. If he didn't want to be with you, why would he come see while you're sick? Surely if she was seeing someone else she was available and not sick, right? I would consider counseling to work on your self-esteem, you are worth it.