The Girl in White Tiger Field page 6

[Mud Flinger]

White tiger - I've been reading your jounal and want to tell you how glad I am for you that you keep trying even though you have "fallen off the wagon" many times. It is so hard to change a life time of learned habits and along with the stress problems you are experiencing, I bet things seem too much to handle at times. Just keep working at it!

One thing that has helped me is to consider foods that cause me problems a poison. Would you eat rat poison for fun? Probably not and some foods are just as damaging to some of us. I used to be in constant pain, curled in a ball on the couch and trying to take care of a 2 yr old (I'm a SAHM), teenager, hubby, chickens and dogs. It was all I could do to keep them fed some days. I was taking more than the max dose of Ibuprophen and needed narcotics to sleep. Many days I added alchohol to the mix just to get some relief. A very dangerous mix. The Dr said a "special diet" would not help and handed me more narcotics. My brother asked me to google nightshades and arthritis for him one day as someone suggested he look into it. Many of these stories sounded like me (I have RA,OA and possibly fibromyalgia). I avoided tomato, potato, peppers and eggplant (nightshades) and within a week was so much better. About 8 months later, a friend suggested I try primal/paleo and so I avoided all grains and legumes as well - more amazing improvemnets.

While your body has different problems than mine does, I bet that the underlying causes are similar - our gut. It takes time to heal the damage done by years of eating the wrong stuff that our immune system is going crazy over. Try to figure out your worst problem foods and avoid them like the plague. Other foods like dark chocolate or maybe even kool-aid may not be the best for you, but if they help you avoid the worst stuff, then use them as needed. A good dark chocolate (like lindt 90%) is so yummy so enjoy - I feel it is actually good for me but YMMV.

Most of all, just keep trying to "fail better". We all mis-step at times. Don't accept your "lazy excuses" when you don't want to cook what will feed you body - you are stronger than that - I know this because you just keep trying and coming back again and again. Seek out more stories from others with IBS that have cured themselves to give yourself the motivation to make the hard choices.

[Byakko]

White tiger - I've been reading your jounal and want to tell you how glad I am for you that you keep trying even though you have "fallen off the wagon" many times. It is so hard to change a life time of learned habits and along with the stress problems you are experiencing, I bet things seem too much to handle at times. Just keep working at it!

One thing that has helped me is to consider foods that cause me problems a poison. Would you eat rat poison for fun? Probably not and some foods are just as damaging to some of us. I used to be in constant pain, curled in a ball on the couch and trying to take care of a 2 yr old (I'm a SAHM), teenager, hubby, chickens and dogs. It was all I could do to keep them fed some days. I was taking more than the max dose of Ibuprophen and needed narcotics to sleep. Many days I added alchohol to the mix just to get some relief. A very dangerous mix. The Dr said a "special diet" would not help and handed me more narcotics. My brother asked me to google nightshades and arthritis for him one day as someone suggested he look into it. Many of these stories sounded like me (I have RA,OA and possibly fibromyalgia). I avoided tomato, potato, peppers and eggplant (nightshades) and within a week was so much better. About 8 months later, a friend suggested I try primal/paleo and so I avoided all grains and legumes as well - more amazing improvemnets.

While your body has different problems than mine does, I bet that the underlying causes are similar - our gut. It takes time to heal the damage done by years of eating the wrong stuff that our immune system is going crazy over. Try to figure out your worst problem foods and avoid them like the plague. Other foods like dark chocolate or maybe even kool-aid may not be the best for you, but if they help you avoid the worst stuff, then use them as needed. A good dark chocolate (like lindt 90%) is so yummy so enjoy - I feel it is actually good for me but YMMV.

Most of all, just keep trying to "fail better". We all mis-step at times. Don't accept your "lazy excuses" when you don't want to cook what will feed you body - you are stronger than that - I know this because you just keep trying and coming back again and again. Seek out more stories from others with IBS that have cured themselves to give yourself the motivation to make the hard choices.

Hi Mud Flinger. I'm a little ashamed to show my face after I basically didn't report back because "big surprise" I feel off yet again. Again the cause (ie. excuse) was lack of planning.

But as of today I'm starting anew. I am focusing more on avoiding the foods that are bad instead of obsessing over the foods I need to eat. It's true that having a good basic plan for eating is important but I basically let perfect get in the way of improvement. I wanted to have a perfect primal meal plan but I don't. And so I just quit until I could figure out what to do. That obviously is not the right approach and I have finally learned that even if I can't afford quality food or I don't have access to it, even conventional foods are better than grains, sugar and processed junk. That has encouraged me a little more.

And you're right. I think I will start to employ some junk-food seeking vision and because of my IBS (I've been having more flares lately) I have to look at those foods as harmful (because they pretty much are.) I've decided I just can't deal with the pain or the fear of a possible flare after eating something I knew wasn't good for me. You know it's bad for you and you know it's going to cause you problems yet you can't seem to get away from it. Well I have to look at it as, as you say, poison. (I also have to take a medication to stop cramping and spasms and it also puts me to sleep.)

I had what I would consider a filling paleo breakfast however my cravings sometimes make me think I'm hungry when all I really want to do is cram junk into my mouth because I need some kind of insane high to feel good. It tastes wonderful, but that taste doesn't last as long as the damage it's causing my body. After that I had a banana, some water and a small piece of G&B chocolate. So I haven't had a "real" lunch yet because...I'm stuck for ideas (that is, I don't have much meat stocked.)

I appreciate you commenting (I wish I had the sense to check back sooner but like most forums, I felt I was being ignored so I stopped checking.

All in all I think I have to stop being super gung-ho (a comment trait of mine) and take it one hour, one day, one week at a time.

[Byakko]

Yet another "update" and confession of "faileo". I fell off hard.

My dad fell of his own diet and started suddenly retaliating by buying cheap (and I do mean cheap..like dollar store) junk food. Now I see why CW diets don't work. You're limiting yourself. (He's now addicted to Jalapeno Cheetos and eats at least a 4th of the bag when he decides to partake of it. The worse part is, I just had a small taste and I also began eating them every other day. (I found that when I ate twice the amount, it would cause issues with my gut. I probably can't handle anything too spicy...let alone fake food) He gets a bag of tiny party sized Hershey's chocolates, cans of fatty (not the good kind) cashews, and washes it down with Pepsi Next, beer or Kool-Aid if he chooses.

I see the things he brings in, am initially and sometimes visibly disgusted yet somehow I partake of them. It's beyond disappointing. Somedays I only have one protein in one meal and virtually no vegetables (not to mention lack of any vitamins or supplements.) I don't say all this to demonize my dad. I love him and I suppose I'm just frustrated. But there is nothing I can do for him and I hope that if I succeed that might motivate him and mom.

Recently I've lost weight: I'm down to 153.

Ordinarily that number should have me flouncing around and jumping for joy. I kept asking myself "how did that happen?" Unfortunately the weight I lost was not fat, but probably muscle as I have not been working out or changing my eating at all. I have the same flabby arms, the same distended bloated tummy and cottage cheese thighs. I also find I cry a lot more (non-menstrual related) and I'm way more anxious. I'm having more flares and discomfort (normally I just suffer from lethargy) and ultimately I'm completely run down and tired all the time.

I'm 25. My grandma often says "How can you be tired? You're so young." (She's 90 and diabetic and has to depend on me a little more than she used to.) But she's right. I'm young. I shouldn't be this tired. But I am. And it sucks and it's embarrassing.

So, I need to get real with myself. I don't hate meat or vegetables or nuts or fruit...so I honestly shouldn't be so down in the dumps. But I guess it's the sugar talking (as well as having to adjust to being proactive and cooking the food. I am way too dependent on ready made food.) I'm in a situation where I can't easily escape the temptation (as I live with my family) but I feel that maybe if I stick to the forums and other primal/paleo blogs I can continuously remind myself what I'm working toward.

[Byakko]

I've been backtracking and reading through my old posts.

It's only now that I am realizing that all-or-nothing attitudes are not for everyone and that I was given a lot of good advice in the prior responses that I should have listened to. Unfortunately I let my obsessive perfectionist side take over and get me in trouble.

Right now I am not feeling too well. I started off my day with a pretty strong resolve (stronger than it's been in months) but after dessert (a bunch of grapes) The cravings kicked it into high gear and I ate and drank some things I know were bad. So…I suppose I'm feeling the consequences. I get pretty angry with myself for becoming weak, failing and then paying for it with pain and despair.

I did well today and fell off. I will strive to do better tomorrow and keep on track. I have got to focus on healing. That is the crux of why I'm doing this at all. (Losing the body fat would just be a lucky perk.) Being tired, in pain, sick and foggy-headed sucks yet I'm having a hard time communicating that to my body (or taste buds.) Sugar is addictive. Period.

I was weak today and I acknowledge the bad decisions I made. I should have gone for a walk or…practice some yoga poses (I know I need them). I believe sticking to this forum or other blogs will be a driving force in my motivation (or at least serve as a reminder.

I've got a lot of mental healing to do. Changing my thinking patterns and vocabulary is crucial. I have to stop glorifying the foods that I want to avoid, stop thinking about just how good it will taste (did someone say sugar high?) It's toxic and I deserve to find out what life could potentially be for me without these things.

[Byakko]

I've posted thrice today but this time I sort of have to. It's a motivating post.

OMG! I am so excited to report this.

1. After a skeptical search online, I was able to locate two LOCAL farms that sell GRASS FED MEAT!!!
2. One of the two chain groceries stores in town sells....wait for it....KERRYGOLD BUTTER!!!

*insert flailing Kermit the Frog gif*

I have to say I am excited and surprised to discover this; especially the butter. If I want anything relatively non mainstream in terms of food, I have to travel 45 minutes away from home (and then only on the weekend) to get it. Such a pleasant surprise, so unreal. In fact I had been planning to make a long distance trip to check out Publix and Kroger and see what the options were. It's a relief to know that for now I don't have to go more than 10 miles to get a primal staple. *fist pump* This truly does motivate me. I've never had or seen Kerrygold Butter before now (when my mom brought it home for me) so I can't wait to taste it. I'm mostly happy about the butter because there is a salmon recipe that is heavenly with butter so I can rejoice!

As to the grass-fed meat, that'll need some work. Mom and I have reached a kind of compromise over food and price. I told her that conventional meats and produce was totally fine BUT, when and if funds allowed, I'd like to purchase cleaner grass-fed/organic food. We're both happy with that. It's realistic and honestly I am done being obsessive, worrying about how clean it is and just giving up because I can't have it perfect. The purists can go kick rocks. I'm not savvy enough to say whether or not the local meat is any cheaper than what's at the store (depending on the cut) but I'm comforted to know that option is there!

[Byakko]

I'm exhausted and grumpy right now...

Had a bout of dizziness last night as well as some today. Scary and not a good feeling. This is the first day I have tried to go serious...

Today was a planned long distance trip to check out what the Kroger, Publix and Fresh Market had to offer me while I am trying to start my transition to Paleo/Primal.

What I Ate

Breakfast
1 banana
2 eggs with 1 cup spinach cooked inside

Snack
1 KIND bar

Lunch/Dinner
Burger King side salad with separate grilled chicken

Right now
grapes

Here's the thing…it is very difficult to maintain a paleo/primal regimen when you leave home. I tried to hold out but I couldn't and I still feel weak.

My eating today was all kinds of messed up. We went to a sporting goods store and I bought a KIND bar (they used to have LaraBars but they were completely out.) Unfortunately I realized it had a good amount of soy and peanuts. I only bought it because of the dizziness I was experiencing, thinking a fatty snack with almonds, walnuts and macadamia nuts would give me a boost.

It was getting late and so I had to get the side salad from BK to eat (this was around 5pm. I tend to eat dinner around 6pm.) I tried to be as clean as I could but still ate fast food. I'm not proud of it but I am trying my best not to beat myself up (which is hard.) I suppose there were some positive things today.

Trip to Kroger
-2 packages of Applegate Farms hotdogs (one beef, one turkey)
-4 LaraBars (because they were on sale and I would rather have them for when I leave home than be faced without them)
-green onions (they'll last me a month if I regrow them)
-cilantro

Trip to Publix
-2 packages of grass fed ground beef
*they had some pastured eggs but it was only 6 to a carton

Trip to Fresh Market
-1 bottle of Red Boat Fish sauce

I will save the receipt and try to figure out how all this works. I'm not sure if I had any bargains but the important thing is I have food to eat.

I didn't have the greatest of starts but I hope tomorrow will prove better.

[Mud Flinger]

Check into that local grass fed beef. Sometimes it's not much if any more expensive than the crap you buy at many stores. Some places will sell you just the cheaper cuts as many people love the prime stuff. Maybe you can get a deal on ground if you buy in bulk (ground is what you will use the most of since it is so versatile.

If you have a food processor, you can make your own larabars. They are just nuts and dried fruit. I make a great one with almonds, dried cherries and coconut flakes - great with chocolate on top. Elanaspantry.com has lots of variations to try.

Try boiling up 6 eggs at a time for taking along with you. They are cheap emergency protien and easy. Grapes were a good choice - while high in sugar, they are primal and probably made you feel lots better and ready to deal with another day. You made much better choices than your could have today with the kind bar; while not perfect (soy) it was not a twinkie either

[Byakko]

Mud Flinger: Thanks for the tips. While I don't travel much it's always a challenge so I'll try to better prepare myself for future trips.

As for today..I won't even bother logging what I ate. Family was visiting from long distance, didn't have access to my foods and the food my aunt put out was not optimal (but I ate it anyway because it was time for my dinner and I didn't want to feel hungry or else I'd just binge.) The only primal thing I had today was left over sesame ginger chicken (two pieces) with several baby carrots (and I think the carrots help fill me up) for my breakfast.

It's taking a lot of strength to not breakdown over it. I just don't like each day to be a failure. I want to feel and experience beneficial things while going primal/paleo. I want to feel more energetic and focused, and heal my gut among other things. When I can't get ONE DAY to go as it should, it's tough. ...but I will just try to look forward to a new start tomorrow. I think I'm pretty prepared for the week at least. If anyone could kind of peek in and steer me in the right direction in regards to how rounded my meals are looking, I'd appreciate that.

[Mud Flinger]

Just keep trying. Believe it or not, you will learn to "fail" better and avoiding the worst choices will get easier. Party situations are tough for most of us. Old favorites whisper your name and sometimes you just cant resist. No biggie unless you get super sick. Today is a new day. Plan to win and grit your teeth to get past the rough spots. You may surprise yourself and find that it wasn't that hard after all.

[Byakko]

Mud Flinger: Thanks for the encouragement. I'm grateful for it.

B: NomNomPaleo's Thai Style Omelet
(Turned into scrambled eggs but I don't care.) It's definitely a new taste, but I like it. Not the boring eggs I'm used to. No salt needed since I'm using a potent fish sauce. I think cooking with butter gives it the most flavor. I may start preferring it to coconut oil. It's almost cheesy (I guess because Kerrygold is so flavorful.) Honestly I am having a craving for a sugary drink but I just got a whole bottle of water so I hope to get through it. Lastly I'll say the eggs (though scrambled) came out pretty. Cooked well but no scald marks in sight.

S: 1 banana

L: skipped; ended up eating 4 Hershey kisses while at my grandma's

D: salmon broiled with butter sauce (no veggies). This recipe is my mom's and it called for seasoning salt. But the one my mom gets is full of fake crud (not to mention cornstarch) so I omitted it. Next time I make this I might try looking for a way to substitute that. This would have tasted better if it had also had the skin on.

S: half of a huge orange (didn't taste that great)

I won't lie, after dinner I fell apart and haven't been able to stop. I am not going to bother listing what I ate. I'm aware of my mistakes. HOWEVER; I refuse to rip my hair out over this. I will not stress! I had a good start at least. I'm also taking this time to really learn some things along the way, even if I mess up.

-I learned that I think my lunches might need to be the biggest meal of the day (that is if breakfast is not as robust as it should.) Around the afternoon I just get really hungry and the longer I wait for dinner the more ravenous I become. Today's lack of lunch was because I was distracted with computer activities and I was probably being kind of lazy. I'm sure even a hotdog would have been something (but I dunno.) It might also be due to the fact that I keep waking up late and my internal clock is out of whack. It's possible too that JUST eggs (even cooked with butter) isn't enough to keep me satisfied. Lunch also needs to be portable so I'll take that into consideration.

-I had a very minute reaction (a few stomach pains that weren't too strong) after eating that candy. More reason to stay strong and avoid it.

-Batch cooking is CRUCIAL. So glad to have something waiting for me tomorrow.

-I have learned to like oven cooking. When I used to eat and prefer a lot of fried foods I wasn't fond of anything oven-baked. I found it bland and boring. But now that I have to cook for myself I am preferring it more (I'm afraid of frying anyway. Too dangerous!) Also with the right combo of seasoning it's great.

-I have to start prioritizing which foods get bought over others and it's not an easy task. I have to share the kitchen with mom which also means sharing spices and sauces (only the fish sauce and butter are exclusively mine, despite my willingness to share them.) So in this situation, things can run out. (I'm pretty conservative with ingredients).

-When I do slip up I notice that after the first 2-3 bites or sips (depending on the food), I don't enjoy it as much beyond that. It's sort of like when I gave up soda. I used to live for Sprite but I found that no matter what soda I drink now, eventually I'd make a face because that FIZZ would leave and what you're left with is gross syrupy yucky yuck. It seems now it's more about feeding the craving (high) than to get that divine flavor or taste. And that's both scary and eye-opening. You give in for just a taste of that delicious treat and after you just eat blindly and you don't seem to enjoy it anymore. (I think I'm also itchier, mostly my face.)

*sigh* Tomorrow is an "away from home" day so, I have to be on my toes. (Got my trusty Larabars waiting.) I am not particularly pleased with today. I had no real excuses for why it didn't go well but tomorrow is another opportunity, I hope I can do better.