Primal Journal (RMS) page 72

[Pebbles67]

You guys look great. I always wanted to look that good in a Bob haircut, but mine always ended up looking like a pyramid.

[demuralist]

First....you are adorable! Very nicely proportioned. (and that is a southern lady's polite way of saying stacked) And you guys make a lovely couple.

I think it is sooo important to overcome the negative chatter in our heads. I have stopped that, finally, as well as the snide remarks I used to make about my weight to people to let them know that I knew that I am fat. But I have not turned that around into positive chatter. I just avoid the conversation!

I do still believe I am attractive, never thought of myself as 'hot' or 'sexy', even when I was thin and technically could be called both.

I know that one of my biggest problems is eating fast as well as not really paying attention to what I am eating. Something to seriously work on!

I know that writing this stuff down may not be the easiest thing for you, but it is very helpful for me, as I can see myself in much of what you are writing. (except the stepdad part-what a horrible person)

[RMS123]

It's Monday. Time for another week at work and another work trip. Sigh. I'm tired of traveling. Not so much time this morning, but I will come back to the notion of my job (that'll be another epic post).

Today starts the "official" 2 weeks of eating slowly. I find this simple, but incredibly daunting. I practiced yesterday and found it hard. But did notice a nice feeling of full with a normal portion size. Things I'm trying to help:
* Put your fork down between each bite (yeah, do you know I don't do that as a regular habit?)
* Set a minimum number of chews for each bite (um, amazing how FAST I scarf my food. taste? did I taste that?)

Anything else I might try? I know that this is going to be a big key to learning to live without counting calories.......

[RMS123]

Quote I'm loving today:

Life.jpg

[demuralist]

Love the quotes you are coming up with!

The thing I did to help me slow down (come to think of it I need to be doing all of these as well!) was to sit so that I faced the mirror in the dining room. When I saw how unattractive I looked scarfing down food, boy that slowed it down. One of the things I added was when I put my utensil down, I blotted my mouth with my napkin, very refined looking and it adds a few seconds at each bite. I also took my wrist watch off my wrist and set it in front of my plate. I would not allow myself to put food into my mouth more often than every 30 seconds. I started this when I was eating sloppy sandwiches which were a pain to put down between bites.

I think I really just need to put less on my plate. I never go back for seconds, and I generally finish my plate, seems like a no-brainer to give myself smaller portions!

Good Luck, I will edit if I think of any others.

[Pebbles67]

Great ideas for slowing down. I am always the first one finished eating in my family. I find it very embarassing when we are out in public. I will start practicing slow eating today.

[RMS123]

I've been sharing for the last 2 days that our new PN habit is sloooooooooowing down the eating. I solicited advice from my MDA pals yesterday and shared that I thought it was going to be a tough habit. What I didn't mention was how very stressed I really was about this new habit. I actually avoided eating my first meal because I was so stressed. I was unnaturally shaken (and, I'm a person who handles new challenges and circumstances with grace and calm). Something else was going on.

Last night, when I should have been sleeping, it dawned on me. My issues with slowing down weren't just about bad habits I've developed over the years (although, don't get me wrong, those habits are certainly part of the problem). I have emotional issues that I've buried so deep, I have literally "forgotten" that they exist.

I mentioned in an earlier post that I was emotionally abused as a child. I was humiliated for my weight. We were also poor, and food was limited and I was often hungry (although I can't figure out how I was overweight when I often was hungry? it's hard to say how much was perception. Of course, maybe it was because it wasn't the most nutrition-dense food). On top of that, my baby brother was picky, we were poor, and so certain foods were designed for him only (nothing like the forbidden to tempt you...). I ate, quite often, in shame. I ate secretly. I ate quickly so as not to be discovered, so as not to draw attention to myself. The little girl inside of me feels shame, hurt, rejection, and anger.

I suspect that not dealing with these issues is one of the reasons I cannot keep the weight off. I can bury these feelings and the habits for awhile, but since I've refused to acknowledge them, they continue to rear their ugly head. Today, I'm going to take the first step and recognize that these things exist. I'm not entirely sure how I will deal with them going forward, but I certainly feel as though a weight has been lifted.

This is the first step. I shined the light in my big, dark, scary, closet. Now I need to pull the junk out, sort it, and deal with it.

[RMS123]

Yesterday was a good day. I spent a lot of time thinking. Eating slowly was a challenge, but I feel better for it.

Food yesterday:
B - Leftover pork roast, spinach, strawberries
L - Leftover pork roast, jicama, fermented pickles
S - banana, nectarine, beef jerky (beef, salt)
D - beef roast, mushrooms, onions, 1/2 sm sweet potato, cantaloupe
[Not enough veggies]

Workout (Lower body):
Foam rolling
Stretching
Mobility work
Lower body (includes squats, Romanian dead lifts, planks, etc)

I'm just a bit sore today, which means I pushed it just enough.

Sometimes I struggle that I've spent my entire life trying, unsuccessfully to lose weight. But, I have a resilient spirit and have not doubt that I'm going to get there. With that in mind, here's my inspiration for today.

Famous Failures.jpg

[athomeontherange]

Love the quote and wow its so true. Some I had heard of and some were new to me.

Shining the light in the emotional closet is not something I want to do. Its a scary thing and you are brave. I am so proud that you are able to shine some light on the causation. So I guess, since you identified it, now comes the time to come to terms with it so it no longer dictates you. You are one step closer and that is a reason to celebrate!

[demuralist]

love the quotes.

And seriously, regarding the emotional stuff, have you ever checked into Jon Gabriel (the Gabriel Method)? The thing I think you would really get out of his stuff is from his meditations. He focuses on healing emotional situations in which we have built up a layer of protection (extra weight) around us. He has some great meditations. If you are interested I could send you my copy of his night time one to try out.