Primal Journal (RMS) page 69

[athomeontherange]

I agree, being hungry is not uncomfortable for me any longer. Perhaps for some (well, us) the hypothalamus is just not sensitive enough to stop when hunger is sated. How you would increase this sensitivity, I have no idea.

[demuralist]

I think if I can slow down, and if I am not eating something I LOVE, I can feel the fullness and (here is the tricky part) stop eating. I do sometimes feel it while I am eating but that doesn't usually make me stop, unfortunately. So there is definitely some mental issue there.

[RMS123]

I did a lot of thinking last night (I could NOT sleep to save my soul. I swear it's hormones. I need to start tracking my sleep cycle against my regular cycle.). Anyway, I realized something about myself, which also relates to weight loss.

When I don't think I can "win" or be "successful", I drop out of the game. See, I'd rather drop out than be a "loser". If I drop out, I don't necessarily feel like a failure. It's sorta like how I put myself down - if I do it to myself, that's much easier to accept than if other people do it (and, if I do it upfront, then they don't have to do it, right?). And, while it's good to know when to get out of the game (like not finishing my PhD - I firmly believe I'm smart enough and know I can do it - but it's not really worth the sacrifices (money, time, relationships) that I'd have to make to do so), I quite too often or too early.

I've done that recently with my weight. I gained these 15 pounds and I think I've subconsciously said to myself "see, Ruth, you can't lose weight. Just stop. Blame it on whatever. You've lost 70 pounds. You're healthy. You can't ("don't" need to go any further)". The thing is, these next 30-40 pounds are going to be hard. Changing what I eat is no longer going to be enough. I'm going to have to confront my real, underlying, emotional issues to be my "naturally thin self".

Years of disliking myself and low self-esteem are making this difficult (this is perpetuated by some bad experiences with stepdad #1 - he did a real number on my self-worth). But, at least I'm finally recognizing the situation. Now - how to deal with this and get out of my own way? Something to ponder...

[demuralist]

Not sure if you have ever read anything from Jon Gabriel, but a lot of what he talks about has to do with healing and his belief that we hold onto fat as a sort of protection. Very interesting (and he has a free download meditation if you use a secret word from the book, which I think is "heart"?). It did not apply to me, but I really like the meditation and it is the one I listen to every night. His eating suggestions would fit in with Primal very easily (I think he is more raw/living foods). It would be worth checking out of the library. I have loaned out my copy, cannot remember to whom, and have not gotten it back or I would ship it to you.

Also, I used to be the person who would make snide remarks about my weight, with the thought that I would beat whoever I was talking to to the punch, and to let them know that I knew that I was fat. But I taught myself to stop because I think it has a sort of self perpetuating/self fulfilling prophecy effect.

You have lost a lot of weight. And I don't doubt that the body needs to adjust to that. You may just have to hold steady scale wise so that you can make progress emotionally?

No matter what I am here in your corner.

p.s. did you decide to go with PN coaching?

[athomeontherange]

Ruth, FWIW I think your feelings are common. Its stinkin' thinkin' that needs to go though. You have a goal.. stay on the horse girl! You might need a "coach" of some sort to help you through this final stage though.

[RMS123]

Thanks, Karin. I love you ladies. 10 straight days of travel coming up. 4 cities. I'm sure to be exhausted!!!!

[RMS123]

Ugh. I feel so FAT tonight. My big jeans, the ones that used to fall off, even after the dryer......can barely squeeze myself in them today. They fit last month! Yikes. I have let myself go. Thank goodness for PN starting Monday. Although, I need to get my own self in line. It is a step by step, habit-based program - I don't think we dive right into eating habits. Sigh. Guess that's the downside of wearing dresses all summer!

[athomeontherange]

I can not wait to hear about PN. I wanna do this with Chris too!

4 cities in 10 days?? eww.. do your best is all you can do.

[demuralist]

Ruth, I am thinking that for what you are looking for the order of the habit change may be a good thing! You have been working on the food side of it for a long time right?

Hope you get some fun things squeezed into the weekend!

[demuralist]

Ruth, dying to know what is going on. Hoping that the travel is not throwing you off or stressing you too much.