160 today. How is that I can gain 2 pounds (whether it's water or whatever) is 2 days and yet it will probably take 4-6 days for it to go away? Sigh.
The following is a result of some major hormones. It's the emotional/irrational side of me. However, I've spent a lifetime hiding my feelings and bottling things up. I would prefer to get it out in a "safe" place, as opposed to let it fester inside of me. The rational part of me can appropriately these feelings.
When I was young (~4-5), my mom hooked up with a guy. At first he seemed great, but he wasn't. Ultimately, I was mentally and (somewhat) physically abused as well as neglected. My dad was not in my life. My dear grandparents tried their best, but they lived in WY and we lived in CO. At various points, we would pack up our stuff and leave. I was so excited, thinking life was about to turn around. However, usually within a day, we were back and my dreary life would return. Two things about this relate to weight loss. First, I often felt that I had done something wrong -- but what, I never knew -- to deserve the life I led. I felt hopeless and out of control -- nothing I did (or didn't do) changed my circumstances. Second, I often had my hopes raised, only be devastated again.
The fact that I cannot get to my goal weight (let alone worry about maintaining) brings these childish feelings back to the forefront. I'm a reasonably smart, intelligent gal. I've read more about weight loss than I can imagine. I'm willing to work hard. I'm willing to sacrifice. But, things don't seem to work for me like they do others. The emotional part of me says that: (i) I'm dumb and lazy (as the step dad told me every day); or (ii) I've done something wrong and I don't deserve to be thin (what that wrong is, I don't know). [The rational part of me knows this is not true!] In addition, when I lose weight, only to have it not only stop, but I see a gain, it reminds me of all those times my mom packed us up, only to take us back to that bad place. I struggle with weight loss because it seems like it is out of my control -- a feeling that I do NOT like very much.
As I said, this is all emotional, triggered in part by natural hormonal fluctuations. Most of the time, I keep these things locked up where they belong...but perhaps it explains, in part, my obsession with my results.
End of psych session.
Not sure what I'll do today. I have a good book downloaded on my iPad and perhaps I will do some cooking (something I love).