and there's that whole 'loving yourself' thing i'm bad at again. i think that may be a key. or else i'm just grasping at straws.
i know how to love others. i love my bay quite easily. i love my boys. but i don't.. know.. if i love me. or if i can love me. or what loving me would feel like.
i know that i feel a quiet peace when i'm outside checking on plants, and talking to and checking on pups in their new play area
i just don't know how to love me. i wouldn't know where or how to begin. in my mind i see myself helpless in the face of an angry and mistrustful child. that the child is part of me should make it easier, but it doesn't.