12-01-2011, 01:36 PM
I'm going to have to remember that, honeybuns. I always feel a little bad that I almost never give any clothes to Goodwill- but I hate to part with them before someone should be playing taps quietly over their graves. It's pretty impressive how many sizes the different ones have seen me through.
So- I was supposed to lift today. It's Thursday, my lifting day. I had my clothes, but I left my recording book in my car. By the time I realized this, I had enough time to either go back and get my keys to get into my car or to get in what I could. I mostly remembered what I did last week and knew I wasn't upping weights this week, so I figured I could fudge it. I got in my warmup with 20# dumbell thrust and two rounds of 30# dumbell thrusts and . . . just . . . quit. I was wearing a bigger shirt than usual- so I looked utterly shapeless. My hairtie is tied to my recording book, so my hair was being a pain in the tukus. But that shouldn't be enough to just make me give up. Oh- then almost start crying in the locker room when I was changing back. I made myself eat- because maybe it was hunger- I haven't been eating well/a lot lately. Nope- been on the verge of tears ever since. It's too early for hormones, it's not hunger. I. Am. Not. Right.
I'm housesitting on Friday. Fortunately, it's just two cats. I can handle that. And I'm supposed to go out with Mind Guy on Saturday provided the weather is ok. It would be really rude to cancel two weeks in a row. Please blizzard. Please! I'd be ok with being snowed in with the cats! And they have a hot tub. I've always wanted to use a hot tub when there's snow.
12-01-2011, 02:55 PM
Good for you for just getting into the gym. You do what you're able and sometime you'll be able to do more. If you'd just given up and gone home you'd probably feel guilty on top of feeling blue. Have fun housesitting/kittysitting, maybe you should invite Mind Guy over for a hot tub soak ;-)
12-01-2011, 03:29 PM
And have him be all nervous and apologetic because I intimidate the heck out of him? I'll pass. Me, a book, and jets. It will be good. Now if only the son was there instead of graduating. I don't think I intimidate him and if he murmurs sweet nothings about ewoks again- that'd do it!
The problem is that I did quit. It wasn't a physical issue, it wasn't a time issue- I just gave up. I hate it when I do this. I can be trucking along and life is good- then all of a sudden BAM! Worthless. It might last a few hours or a couple of days- or a few months. Seeing how it's December, I'm not betting on the "few hours" length. There will be Russell Stover's tonight- but we'll see how long this lasts. I do appreciate the encouragement.
12-02-2011, 10:14 AM
I kind of want to throw up. Or cry. Not because I'm sick or sad- but because those are more socially acceptable responses to how I'm feeling than a full-throated, from the diaphram bellow of outrage or punching the shit out of something. Giving the customers genuinely unvarnished answers would not only get me fired, but also promptly frog-marched from the premesis.
I was fine. I went home and indulged. I won't lie, there were chips involved. I watched a couple of movies and parceled out the finished stock. I brushed my hair. I've started using my bristle brush at night- the texture is a little wierd when it's down, but it looks absolutely perfect up today, and I washed several days ago. I slept well. that hasn't happened in a while. I didn't get up quickly or anything, but I did get out of bed in a decent mood.
Then I got to work and the first customer contacted me. Then another and another. Not only am I losing my eyesight and hearing because of this job, and gaining an ass, but my soul hurts. TGIF because I'm not sure I could do another day of this without a little time off. I canceled on Mind Guy and didn't set a concrete time for a rain-date. Rude, maybe. But I just can't handle the thought of being nice to yet another fucking person. I'm being paid to be nice to these people and that's pushing my abilities to their limits.
I put on a shirt that I haven't worn in a while with sleeves that have never been very loose. However, I might bust a seam today. Adding strength- good. Adding muscle while not losing fat- not good. Not because I care so much about how it looks- I've always had thick arms and legs and always will- but because I have a hard enough time finding clothes as it is. If they get any thicker, I'll be totally out of luck. God forbid a woman have anything but skin on her bones and expect to shop anywhere but the fat section.
And, as icing on my cake of a day- I forgot my bathing suit for the hot tub. Here's hoping Ross has them in stock.
12-02-2011, 10:20 AM
Just go nekkid
Sometimes you need to let go and have a shitty day. As long as you enjoy that shitty day fully! It's like the 80/20 rule, but for brains. If you're going to cheat, love your cheat. I don't think it's so bad to indulge your depressive side from time to time and just give up, wallow, and then get back to life. But I know it can be hard to just get back to the grind sometimes. TGIF indeed!
12-02-2011, 11:29 AM
I'm not gonna lie- I considered it. Seriously. And they don't have any really close neighbors. However, I'm not . . . quite . . . there yet. Particularly at someone else's house! Soon . . . soon.
That's the conclusion I've been coming to, too. (hehe, tutu) It's going to happen, so let it. That's why I did just indulge last night- and not stressing about how bad it was for me is healther than worrying about it. I guess I'm just going to have to indulge a little longer.
12-05-2011, 09:12 AM
Ross' does not have bathing suits at this time of year. However, they do have non-beige bras and underwear. Unfortunately- I am not one of the people that keeps saying "oops- I'm smaller than I thought!" and so neither fit the way I would have liked. That's what I get for not trying them on first. However- the hot tub was still delightful, and I even got a little love from the less friendly of the two cats. Ok, it was because she knew I was there to feed her- but what do you expect? The black cat, on the other hand, is skittish, but a love.
I have also watched too much apocalyptic stuff this weekend. Earth 2100 on the History Channel- disturbing, though not surprising. The most disturbing part being that a stolid channel like that is seeing our world fall apart within the next 90 years. If they're saying this, then how far gone are we?
Then I started watching Jeremiah- the post-apocalyptic show. Which made me start thinking about the collapse of civilization. There have been various threads and posts around here about how if we lost society's veneer of civilization that women would become rape victems and we'd return to power to the biggest thugs. I like to tell myself that we're beyond that. That we know women are a valuable part of society, not a vessel for some man with a hardon. Then I think about the people outside of the ones that I want to know. The ones that I avoid since I want to pretend that they don't exist. Then I realize that the return to brutishness is inevitable, at least for a while. Pity. It would be nice to be able to have higher expectations for the "thinking ape."
12-05-2011, 10:20 AM
Jeremiah is a fun show. No thoughts on the role of women in post-apocalyptic society, but I agree that I like to think we're beyond that.
12-05-2011, 01:24 PM
Just in case anyone cares- MY NAME IS NOT LIZ! FFS- when I introduce myself as Elizabeth, and my name comes up on the phone as Elizabeth, maybe, just maybe, that's because my name is ELIZABETH. Maybe. I've started trying to introduce myself as E when I'm meeting people. I'm pretty sure you can't shorten that- and it's not Liz. Nothing against the name. I know lots of Liz's and have liked several of them. But they are not me. However, apparently a name of more than one syllable is more than my co-workers can handle. The clients make me cringe- but they are customers so I just have to deal. But damnit- why do I have to be nice to my co-workers when they can't even get my damn name right? Bastards. (This also ties into why do I have to be nice period. Civil should be sufficient as all I need is the information you may or may not have. Forgive me, I don't give a damn about you as a person.)
In other news: Sort of: Anyone who is thinking about starting their own company/following their dreams- I reccomend the book Quitter. It's hilarious. And helpful. However, I'm having a hard time with one of the main themes. You are to keep your current job until your dream is really up and running so that you can focus on the dream part not on the "oh shit I have to eat, too" part. Logical. But how do you focus on your dream when your 40-hour-a-week job is sucking your soul out of you? I get done for the day and my brain and soul are so fried that the idea of working on something else- anything else- is just more than I can handle. I know that if I managed to have a success, then it would be easier to focus- but novel writing is a long process and I have so much to learn before I can get the idea of a homesteading consultant off the ground that I'm just feeling overwhelmed. And it's winter, so that means it's learning time rather than doing time- and I'd have an easier time doing. /self-indulgent whine
Along those lines- I need to start being serious about moving my efforts to something that actually matters. I am not going to spend 40+ years of my life working 40+ hours a week because I need a roof over my head. Fuck the system- it's broken, and I'm not going to let it break me. Again. My in ability to conform to it is not actually a flaw on my part, and I am going to keep reminding myself of that. Just because the rest of the world is saying I'm wrong doesn't mean that I am. The only way to have a life that gives meaning to what I've dealt with is to make that meaning happen. And I will.
12-06-2011, 08:13 AM
There was writing last night! I watched Mansfield Park with my steak and sweet potato, then pulled up the historical romance. 600ish words later, I was finally actually introduced to Martha's sweetheart- the butcher's apprentice. I've since forgotten his name, but it's written down. Diligence? No. Something like that. With intense brown eyes. Both secondary characters- but the story needed more . . . we'll say depth. What I mean is words.
I also finally got down on "paper" the beginnings of Evelyn's youngest son's story. Dang thing has been rattling around in my head for ages. 1300 words later- but the beginnings are always the easy part. If I can ever get Evelyn's finished, I have other stories for her children and grandchildren. I'm not sure whether Abigail is her granddaughter or great-granddaughter yet. I have to count out the years The plan, of course, is to be a reasonably successful author of a long series that gives me an excuse to have a tiny apartment in Boston. Because I need a place to go when I do research there And, as a reasonably successful writer, I can live anywhere and make my own hours, with the exception of the inevitable book tours. Of course, I'd love to be wildly successful like Stephen King so I can become a hermit and my books sell like hotcakes anyway- but I really don't think I'm that good.