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  1. #1
    Sempronia's Avatar
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    Dealing with a KORG Significant Others

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    I have been with my husband for 14 years and we have a life and a family together. I love him but my strive for health and his lack of and causing a rift.

    I weight 20 lbs less than when we started dating and I feel great. I have not met my goals but living Primally from dropping grains, increasing fat, changing workouts, losing the alarm and vibrams have completely changed my life. I am not 100% Primal due to multiple factors but I believe it and follow as close as I can manage. This system has saved me from serious illness as I had immune mediated IBS, sclerititis and joint inflammation which is now basically resolved.

    Several times I offered us to do things together. If I push he gets edgy. My husband is overweight, has untreated high blood pressure severe GERD and insomnia. He takes a handful of pills to sleep at night and several proton pump inhibitors. His diet consists of Rock Stars for breakfast followed by some fiber cereal, crap fast for lunch and dinner sometimes he will eat what I make. Other times hamburger helper or pizza etc. He think going on a diet is replacing a meal with a powerbar and switching to diet energy drinks. Even though I am thinner and my cholesterol and blood pressure are normal he comments on my daily bacon habit.

    I don't know what to do. His health effects our relationship. Last year my grandfather who had chronic GERD diet from esophageal cancer and at my husbands last endoscopy his doctor said is at high risk because of the damage to his esophagus.

    Now I want to make a further effort to be primal to lose that last 20 pounds and I really want him to join me. Any suggestions??

  2. #2
    Blackcatbone's Avatar
    Blackcatbone is offline Senior Member
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    You can't make anyone do something they don't want to do. You can, OTOH, make a point of protecting yourself from their lifestyle. When you say "family" you mean children? He's headed for an early grave, especially with the untreated high BP. One of our neighbors ended up with kidney failure due to not treating his. His lifestyle is threatening the well-being of his children. Insist that he take out a life insurance program because at this rate he'll die early and you want to be sure that they're taken care of when it happens. Then do what you have to do to remain healthy.

  3. #3
    jfreaksho's Avatar
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    "Women get married thinking that they can change a man, and men get married thinking she'll never change."

    The way you frame the problem is vitally important- pushing usually results in pushing back. I think you may have to let it go for a while, though I would recommend you get his support to keep the kids off the SAD. He's an adult and can make his own choices, but you can make choices for the kids. It sucks, but you have to let him do it.

    Make sure you tell him (in a non-snarky way) that you are taking out a life insurance policy. Better yet, make him choose one with you, so you can discuss in a non-threatening way the family history of terrible health and early death and how terrified you are that will happen to him. Let him decide if/when/how to fix it, though.

  4. #4
    dado's Avatar
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    You tell him directly and succinctly that he needs to eat the way you do and that the way he's doing is wrong and that he's worthless if he doesn't do it this way.

    When you're right, convention and niceties go out the window and brute force wins the day. Quick, clean, brutal, and efficient; this is how you do it.

    When you're right, fight to the death with the resolve of a Croat at Vukovar. Hurt feelings, shit on him, do what you have to do. It will be worth it in the end. Snap him out of this obese football watching culture this nation has going on.

  5. #5
    namelesswonder's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jfreaksho View Post
    "Women get married thinking that they can change a man, and men get married thinking she'll never change."

    The way you frame the problem is vitally important- pushing usually results in pushing back. I think you may have to let it go for a while, though I would recommend you get his support to keep the kids off the SAD. He's an adult and can make his own choices, but you can make choices for the kids. It sucks, but you have to let him do it.

    Make sure you tell him (in a non-snarky way) that you are taking out a life insurance policy. Better yet, make him choose one with you, so you can discuss in a non-threatening way the family history of terrible health and early death and how terrified you are that will happen to him. Let him decide if/when/how to fix it, though.
    That quote is spot on for me and my boyfriend. I can't stop thinking that there are habits and behaviors of his that I think I can change (and I have, for the better, we both agree), and he definitely exhibits the expression that he does not think I'll change. At least he's okay with putting up with my craziness from time to time, I just hope to make that less frequent.

    My boyfriend will be eating primal because I make dinner half of the time. He knows there's pasta in the cupboard that he picked out if he doesn't want to eat what I make or is still hungry. He is learning to keep his comments about cholesterol and high-fat being bad to himself. I can't explain to him why it works and why it's healthy, but I know it is, and hey, I haven't gotten fatter after 2 months of regular bacon and eggs. If he doesn't want to change, it's his loss, much as I love him. If we ever get married and have children, we will have further discussions because I will not want him to end up diabetic because of his carb fixation, and I do not want our children to eat grains and excess sugar.
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  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by dado View Post
    You tell him directly and succinctly that he needs to eat the way you do and that the way he's doing is wrong and that he's worthless if he doesn't do it this way.

    When you're right, convention and niceties go out the window and brute force wins the day. Quick, clean, brutal, and efficient; this is how you do it.

    When you're right, fight to the death with the resolve of a Croat at Vukovar. Hurt feelings, shit on him, do what you have to do. It will be worth it in the end. Snap him out of this obese football watching culture this nation has going on.
    Dude, give it a rest. The act is getting stale.

  7. #7
    Tawny's Avatar
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    Wow, I could have written the original post

    The best that I've been able to do with my husband is to make sure that I stock the house with mostly Primal foods, try to make better choices for his snack foods (he can't understand why I will buy him potato chips but not Cheetos-I've tried explaining, but he just doesn't get it...), and fix Primal meals when I'm in charge of dinner. Whatever he fixes and eats on his own is up to him. We agree to disagree, I don't comment on his health and eating habits, he doesn't comment on how much money I spend at the farmer's market...

    We have had an issue with our kids, because they are typical American kids who want to eat a bunch of junk and he is more than willing to feed it to them-he'll take them to McDonalds, bring home donuts and other treats from work, etc. The three of them out-vote me most of the time I'm in charge of their breakfast and lunches nearly every day so those are Primal, I talk to them about the importance of eating real food, and they see me eating lots of vegetables. I can't be with them 24-7, and I can't change (believe me, I've tried) what my husband feeds them when I'm not there. There is hope-my daughter explained to a sleepover buddy why we don't eat cereal and why eggs are a much better breakfast choice, and my son would rather eat meat than bread, potatoes, or pasta. I've come to the conclusion that I'm ok with them being about 60% primal. It's better than most kids, and I'd rather not have constant tension surrounding food-that's not healthy either.

    My husband will actually eat more vegetables now as long as I'm cooking-he came to realize that the veggies I cook now taste good. Fresh spinach sauteed in bacon grease is so much better than plain steamed spinach. Just keep following the lifestyle the best you can, control what you can control, and hopefully your husband will come around.

  8. #8
    Hedonist's Avatar
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    Here are some thoughts, mostly drawn from suggestions here in the forums.

    The short answer is that you probably can't change him. You may just have to say your version of the Serenity Prayer.

    You can try tough love. Probably won't work. You decide. "If you are not going to take care of yourself, hurry up and die while I am young enough to date other men." Not my style but it worked for someone I know.
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  9. #9
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    Wish I could remember who posted this, find the post and link to it. Some brilliant person here responded to this kind of question pointing out that if there's an argument going on within someone between 'change' and 'don't change', and you argue with them and advocate for change, the only position left to them is to argue for 'no change'. It's as if there are two chairs: you sit in 'change' chair, and they're forced into 'no change' chair. Whereas if you say, 'Yes, that stuff is really hard to give up,' (or something - the OP had a better example) you leave the space open for the other person to say, 'True, but it'd be worth a try.'

    It's something I wish I'd understood years ago. I've had plenty of conversations where whatever I advocated automatically became unthinkable for the other person - whereas if I'd left it alone, they would have had more and better options left to them.

  10. #10
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    As Rob Wolf has said a few times on his podcast - you can't make a significant other change. You can only hope they will and take out a really good life insurance policy on them. Harsh, but true.
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