Thursday, October 18, 2012
It’s about 3am. Been up for half an hour or so. I think I hurt my shoulder. Aches and hurts if I move it wrong. One of the things keeping me up. Afraid it’s a rotator cuff problem, but will call the doctor tomorrow to try and set up an appointment. I did the Tough Mudder over the weekend and worked out on Tuesday, but can’t tie it to any specific point. Did do my elevator dips at one point yesterday. That may have been it. It started hurting during my counseling session and got progressively worse after that. I’m afraid it’s going to knock me out of exercising for a while, and that scares me.
Brooke – This sucks. I hate it. I hate being in this position. I hate that we let this happen to our relationship. We screwed it up, as simple as that. We were both terrible at knowing what we wanted, realizing when we weren’t getting it, and knowing what to do about that. And finally it fell apart. It’s sad and it sucks, but that’s where it is. But I need to move on, and I need to heal, and I can’t do that with you telling me I am ‘part of your very soul’. We can’t be tied that close, we can’t be that dependent on each other. It’s too much. Too close. I feel like I’ve become your Dave Baum again. I cannot open myself up to anything else when our connection is so tight. It’s not letting me heal, it’s not letting me be sad or angry or hurt. It’s left me numb and my feelings muted. We’re too close and it has me stuck. And I’m here out of fear, out of comfort, out of routine. Out of not wanting to hurt you. Out of not wanting to be the bad guy and say ‘I know you want me as part of your soul, but I am taking that from you.’ But if I don’t, I can never move beyond where I am now. I am not free and I need to be free. It scares me, but it’s the only way I can become unstuck. I feel like you are my best and only real friend right now and I’ve got to get beyond that. I’m not looking to sever ties, and we obviously can’t with the children, but we can’t be each other’s go-to person and confidant. We can’t think in terms of ‘we’ and we can’t have these daily continual e-mail conversations. I’ve got to pull back.
Cory – You are beautiful and you intrigue me. You are incredibly intelligent, creative, and expressive. And you put it all out there for the world to see. I would so like to get to know you better, but I need get my own life together first. Hell, you say you don’t date and I have no idea if you’d even be interested in me, but I want to take my shot. But I feel I have nothing to offer until my life is better put in order.
Trying a journal. We'll see how long that lasts....