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Thread: Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS page 77

  1. #761
    Gay Panda's Avatar
    Gay Panda is offline Senior Member
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    Primal Fuel
    The Giant Jammie Pants, which bring together my sexy nightwear ensemble to a whole, have been retired.

    But no! No, you cry! How else are you to picture me but on my half-shell blown to shore by sweet angelic breath, the notes of Toxic riding the sea breeze as I coyly pose in my turtle shirt, Neapolitan bed socks, and those striped Giant Jammie Pants clinging perilously to my hips? To what fantasy now will you cling? Of Megan Fox in leather, curled over the seat of a motorcycle? Pshaw. Of Legolas snapping arrows to bow, his blond tresses trailing over his back? Never. There is nothing in this world more magnificent than Gay Panda in the total fashion clash of my jammies*.

    Yet nothing can be done about it. Today I stood at my stove making bacon and my Giant Jammie Pants fell off into a puddle about my ankles. I squawked in surprise and realized that I could not retrieve them, because I had just set to sizzle a piece of raw bacon in the skillet. My hands were covered in the greasy slick of raw bacon, bacon from a pig and pig means swine and flu season is right around the corner. So I shuffled over to the sink to decontaminate before I rescued my dignity.

    Pinning them under my elbow, it occurred to me that it might be time for new pajama pants. Then I thoughtlessly reached for the spatula and they plummeted again. This happened though there has been no change on the scale in quite a while, but I lost another half inch from my waist. Though I’m eating mostly primal, my weight loss has halted. I assume it is stress. Every day I go to Grandmother Friend’s house and sit at her bedside as she fades away, trying not to kill Grandpa Simpson for telling long, boring stories that go absolutely nowhere at all, and telling me that he is bored.

    It is very inconsiderate that someone else’s death is not all about him, isn’t it? How rude. I suppose I should have commiserated by mentioning that Grandmother Friend’s ill health has negatively impacted my weight loss, and we could have shaken our heads together at how terrible this is. How could you choose NOW to go downhill, Grandmother Friend? Don’t you realize that I’m nowhere near 166? Don’t you care that poor Grandpa Simpson is bored**?

    Valhalla knows what my body is doing. I didn’t even weigh myself today, and I don’t care. It may be a few more days before she passes, it may be tomorrow, it may be tonight. I’m eating as well as I can under the circumstances and saying to hell with the rest. But the Giant Jammie Pants took a nosedive this morning and I can no longer wear them, so I ordered some new jammie pants and hopefully they will fit. Goodbye, Giant Jammie Pants. I will never look so dead sexy again.

  2. #762
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    UPDATE: (in explanation of * and **)

    * If Stacy and Clinton of What Not To Wear were to see me in my jammies, they would weep.

    ** Gay Panda is putting Grandpa Simpson up for adoption tomorrow to a good home. He is house-trained (I promise) and affectionate (needy) and entertaining (do you like stories?) and self-confident (self-absorbed).

  3. #763
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    I would have snapped at Grandpa Simpson a long time ago. That's disgustingly rude and inconsiderate and GAAAAHHHH I would have told him to get the hell out! That's so terrible >.<
    Something else that's terrible is that I'm going to tell you I'm going through the same thing at the moment, as my remaining gerbil seems to be on his deathbed. I know to most people that doesn't even compare, but I love my animals more than I love my own family. They've my fluffy/scaly children, and I've already had to unexpectantly say goodbye to 2 of them this year. Now Old Man Pickle looks like he's finally going to join his brother. I've been away for a few days and he's held on, but he and pippin were the first pets I bought myself 3 years ago and I don't want to have say goodbye to him ='(
    So I'm here for you Panda if you wanted someone to talk to. I know I'm not Lady Friend, but I'm here for you. =] xxxx
    Bunny trainer extraordinaire!

  4. #764
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    Just wanted to say how much the Giant Jammie Pants made me laugh, and how much I love your journal. I'm so sorry you are facing this loss. I can't help but be inspired by your panda dignity and humor in a time of crisis.

  5. #765
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    Dear Grandpa Simpson,

    Is this really the time to comment that Lady Friend is masculine because she drives a big truck?

    A: It is her work truck.
    B: She requires a truck to lug around heavy equipment.
    C: You're a sexist pig.

    Sincerely,
    Gay Panda

  6. #766
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    Dear Grandpa Simpson,

    You did better today! But in the future, please do not shove under my nose a container of opaque liquid from Grandmother Friend's refrigerator and ask me to sniff and identify what it is. How would I know? And yuck!

    Sincerely,
    Gay Panda

  7. #767
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    Dear Panda,

    You must be a very patient Panda indeed. No takers on the Grandpa Simpson adoption offer? I could come around and forcibly (though gently!) remove him on a temporary basis, for your sanity. I'm sure PixieKitten would gladly assist.

    I'm sorry for your sadness. Hugs from far away.

  8. #768
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    Quote Originally Posted by PixieKitten View Post
    Something else that's terrible is that I'm going to tell you I'm going through the same thing at the moment, as my remaining gerbil seems to be on his deathbed. I know to most people that doesn't even compare, but I love my animals more than I love my own family. They've my fluffy/scaly children, and I've already had to unexpectantly say goodbye to 2 of them this year. Now Old Man Pickle looks like he's finally going to join his brother. I've been away for a few days and he's held on, but he and pippin were the first pets I bought myself 3 years ago and I don't want to have say goodbye to him ='(
    I'm sorry about your gerbil! I lost a cat that I had had for seventeen years last November, and I still miss her little face popping over the side of my bed every morning. It was like Whack-A-Mole, pop up on this side, pop up on that side, pop up a foot higher, pop up at the foot. Poor Old Man Pickle. I hope he goes peacefully.

  9. #769
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    Dear Grandpa Simpson,

    It was very nice of you to make dinner for us last night! But you still need some lessons on being supportive. You see, we are all upset about Grandmother Friend, and you are making soup and saying for hours that we may not like it, that we may throw the bowls across the room in disgust, that you made so much soup and you expected more people in the house to eat it. This is not being supportive. This is being needy for attention and affirmation, and we can't give you these things right now. Please call a friend (or a therapist).

    Sincerely,
    Gay Panda

  10. #770
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    PrimalCon New York
    Dear Grandpa Simpson,

    Please do not step into Grandmother Friend's house, survey family members quietly talking about her, and proceed to close your eyes while making a very loud snoring sound. WTF?!

    Sincerely,
    Gay Panda

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