10-31-2011, 07:38 AM
PART ONE: Two days ago, Gay Panda stood in the candy aisle of CVS frantically searching for Mounds.
There is little more disgusting than a Mounds bar. Biting into one as a cub, I reeled back in dismay at the sharp sting of coconut. I loathe coconut, and I avoid foods that include it unless the taste has been drowned out by other flavors. Coconut has no place in candy. When I’m choosing truffles, I always go for mint or peanut butter, or a secondary chocolate for filling. Those tastes complement a hard chocolate shell, while coconut drowns out the chocolate entirely. Mounds are a confectionery betrayal.
Today is Halloween, one of my favorite holidays since cubhood. One year I was a cat, another a shark, but costumes were secondary to candy. When you live in America, people do not hand out Cadbury Eggs on Halloween, but I was forgiving. I have a weak spot for Smarties, ever present in my hard plastic pumpkin after trick-or-treating, and I worship the mix of tiny Krackle and Hershey’s and Goodbar. I also liked the neighbor who would make tissue ghosts and fill the heads with pennies and nickels. It is not polite to return to someone’s house, but as a cub I fantasized about going back and back again for more tissue ghosts until I had enough money to buy a Toys-R-Us.
Nerds are fossilized fairy boogers, Twix are strange, and lollipops aren’t interesting unless there is gum in the center. Those items were the dregs of my hard plastic pumpkin, yet they were still preferable to banana-flavored Laffy Taffy. That I gave away, making myself look noble for sharing. Young Gay Panda did not do it out of nobility. Nobility would have been sharing a beloved peanut butter cup, which Young Gay Panda never ever did.
I engaged in an intense sorting of loot. Good stuff went in one pile, okay in another. Bad stuff had a third. Inedible, like tissue ghosts and apples (really, house on the corner?) had yet one more. Then there was the pile of banana-flavored Laffy Taffy, Mounds, and the unidentifiable*. Because Young Gay Panda had a suspiciously autistic love of sorting (and was not surprised when a close relative was diagnosed) I would break those piles down by brands, by size, by color. The Perpetually Sticky Panda Siblings just stuffed their faces, but I had to sort first, line them up, and then I could eat. Days later, when everything good and okay and bad was gone, I’d poke at the Mounds bars wondering if I was desperate enough for the sugar rush. I never was.
This is Gay Panda’s first primal Halloween, and my first thought of the holiday has transformed from yay! to oh, shit. I no longer trick-or-treat, but I do hand out candy to the zombies and Power Rangers who appear on my porch. Halloween traffic down my part of the magical bamboo forest is sporadic, so I only buy one bag, of which I give out a third. Then I am left with two-thirds, which I have always eaten for breakfast over the next week. I don’t want to give them to someone else, because I purchase what I love. My nobility has not improved since cubhood, and I will not part with KitKat. Mine!
Last edited by Gay Panda; 10-31-2011 at 09:59 AM.
10-31-2011, 07:44 AM
PART TWO: But this year, I don’t want to be left with dozens of little candy bars, and I struggle just as much with the thought of giving them away as I do with trashing them. This is how I ended up searching for Mounds. I will not be remotely tempted, and the only circumstance in which I could imagine eating one involves a desert island surrounded by sharks. Even then, I might swim.
CVS was out of Mounds.
I was flummoxed. How could they be out? They were out of peanut butter cups, but those are a favorite of almost everyone. Yet the goblin turds that are Mounds? I searched the aisle once, twice, three times, and then the good candy began to call to me. I picked up the assortment of Hershey’s and Krackle and Goodbar, stroking wrappers through the plastic sheath; a lusty look was shot to KitKats. Gay Panda is not often bothered by sugar cravings, especially at Whole Foods where the candy is unappealing hippie brands no wily advertising campaign seeded in my brain when I was young and vulnerable to marketing. I never imprinted on Auntie Flower’s Vegan Organic Gummy Drops (gluten free) Made With Black Carrot Juice Concentrate. Dammit, I want my artificial flavors!
I was surrounded by everything I once wanted as a cub. I stood in the aisle getting very grouchy and feeling very deprived that I was purposely selecting what was gross so that I wouldn’t eat it when I wanted to eat it. Then it hit me. You know what I was going to do? I knew. I was going to hand out apples! Yes, I would be THAT house. And I’d turn the hose on anyone who complained. No, not apples. FLOSS! Even better! I’d hand out floss and make a Power Ranger cry.
It occurred to me that the reason I was getting into a state was that I had been happily writing all day long, and when I am intense on my work, I do not tend to bodily needs. Lady Friend says that one day I will write myself into a bladder infection, because I can’t stand being interrupted. I’ll skip eating, or else grab something small to stave off the worst of it**, and that day I had had a swallow of heavy cream for dinner. Then I returned to work and lost myself in more interesting things, forgot the details of my meal and considered myself having eaten.
So I was famished and in a candy aisle, and after the Gelato Incident of the 21st, my body has regarded sugar with more interest. It was time for damage control. Getting a bag of my favorite candy was off-limits. Getting a bag of the grossest thing that I could find, and buying myself a candy bar was acceptable. I am not deprived if I have a candy bar, and I have not knocked myself out of weight loss*** for as long as I would with a bag.
But there were no Mounds! No banana-flavored Laffy Taffy! Then I saw Mars Bars. I do not loathe them, but I do not like them. They went into the okay or bad piles when I was a cub, depending on the quality of the other treats. Gay Panda has never lusted after a Mars Bar and despises almonds for the way they squeak on my teeth. Bringing home a bag is relatively safe. I might eat one or two to remind myself of why I don’t like them, and then I’ll send them to work with Lady Friend to give away. I snatched up a bag and went in search of my candy, bypassing Movie Size boxes for a demure Take 5. There. I have candy. The zombies have candy. And I got the hell out of CVS.
Last edited by Gay Panda; 10-31-2011 at 10:03 AM.
10-31-2011, 07:49 AM
UPDATE: (in explanation of *, **, and ***)
* Later identified as a cough drop.
** One day when I have millions of dollars, I am going to hire a very tall, muscular, dominant Alpha Amazon with an extremely grumpy temperament. She will be paid generously to make my meals and deliver them with a look that freezes my soul, and I will stop writing for five minutes to eat because I will be frightened of the consequences.
*** So suck it, anti-depressants! I have hit a New Low Score of 184.4. One day I might really achieve 166, and then I can be normal and depressed without pills like I was before, instead of obese and depressed with pills.
10-31-2011, 01:47 PM
I'm not buying candy. I will end up eating the most disgusting banana or apple-flavored parti-colored caulk squares if they're left out too long. I'm going to turn out the lights and pull the blinds and hide from the whippersnappers. Git offa mah lawn!
p.s. w00t to the New Low Score!
10-31-2011, 02:18 PM
Originally Posted by ottercat
I have no idea what you win, but you just win. GROSS.
10-31-2011, 02:26 PM
Hiding is going to be hard as my TV is right by the front door so you'll be able to see the flickering light through the blinds... What if we run out of candy?!?! What then?!?!?!?! Do we get to TP the trick-or-treaters?
I have candy AND my boyfriend (bless his soul) made cupcakes for me. Completely un-primal cupcakes.
I'm gonna eat some. As long as I continue having an amazingly primal week and don't whine about the pimples I get as a result, whatever.
10-31-2011, 02:31 PM
Originally Posted by Gay Panda
Mounds are gross.
10-31-2011, 02:56 PM
They really are! I'd rather eat the cough drop.
Originally Posted by SweetPickles
10-31-2011, 04:11 PM
My mom loves Mounds and Almond Joy, so we gave ours to her, win/win! However, to my great embarrassment, she would also buy them to hand out. I hated being the house that handed out the bad candy.
10-31-2011, 04:24 PM
lmao! I always liked Mounds!! It was almond joy I didnt like because of the almonds
although, after having ''healthier'' versions of mounds, I don't like the originals anymore. but haven't had one of those in a long time.