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Thread: Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS page 66

  1. #651
    Debdoub's Avatar
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    Primal Fuel
    I'll start desensitizing myself to the word underpants right now (no joke, slight feeling of anxiety over typing the word) so I can read every page of your books!

    I read like a fiend so I'd like to be able to order all five books at the same time, please. I also get anxious if I have to wait and see how things turn out.

    If I get anxious, I snack and make poor food choices (hon, do you mind if mom has two of your Golden Oreos?), both of which make me more anxious. Not to mention the whole chubby bit.

    And now it's time for some meaningless trivia - Debdoub in Arabic translates to something like bear cub but is slang for chubby. I got this nickname from my boyfriend in college, when I weighed 35 pounds less than this. It was totally a term of affection and a play on my name but I spent lots of time reassuring others that yes, I did know what it meant.

  2. #652
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    I too would order ebooks. Also I think it's Lulu where you can have them print to order hardback books. I know Amazon has started working directly with some authors. There are a lot of self publishing options.

  3. #653
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lilyheart View Post
    I too would order ebooks. Also I think it's Lulu where you can have them print to order hardback books. I know Amazon has started working directly with some authors. There are a lot of self publishing options.
    +1. Let me know where to Paypal or iBooks or whatever...

  4. #654
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    Panda-- have you looked into these guys.. Smashwords - About Smashwords

    Seems the model is to offer the first book of a series either free or heavily discounted ($1 or two) and then charge more for subsequent books. In one case I found an author I liked (Harry Connolly and the 20 Palace Society books--graphic, but quite good if you are looking for a read) where I think the first book was .99, the second was $5.99 and the third was $11.99 or something like that. Each book even offered the first 100 or 200 pages free as a sample. It's a great way to see if you like the author's style before buying and I'm sure you would shine in this area.

  5. #655
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    PART ONE: I have defrosted pork butt in my fridge, and something must be done about it.

    Sometimes my mind attaches itself to unfortunate imagery and associations, and this would be a prime example. As cubs, the Panda Siblings and I would let out joyous cries in the backseat whenever the family car drove past Butte Street. “Butt! Did you see that?” “It’s Butt Street!” “Hello, I live at 121 Butt Street.” “Oh, I’m right around the corner at 416 Diaper.” Then we would make loud fart sounds against our arms and giggle until we were told to stop. Of course, this just reduced it to whispers. “You live on Butt Street!” “No, YOU live on Butt Street!” “I do not!” “Yes, you do. You live on Butt Street, and every single room has a toilet. Even the kitchen.” “TAKE IT BACK! SHE SAID I LIVE ON BUTT STREET AND EVERY SINGLE ROOM HAS A TOILET! MOOOOOM!”

    We spent a solid year sitting on a whoopee cushion and recording the sounds. Somewhere in a dump on this planet is our Fart Partners’ Complete Set of Whoopee Cushion Farts on tape. One does not merely sit upon a whoopee cushion. There are infinite techniques concerning angle, initial force, pressure, rotation, velocity, timing, nozzle vector, and muffle factor. First, there is the direct, straightforward, satisfying Plop: predictable, entertaining, and you sink to the floor at a good clip as it deflates. You stop recording to giggle and set up the circumstances for a Squeaker. After pressing record, you sit again, rocking up and down to make popping flatulence last over a long period of time.

    There is the Ripper (at an angle), the Chorus (throwing your weight about for different tones), and the Grumbler (under a pillow). One can vary the sounds by selecting different materials for the underside of the whoopee cushion. Firm chairs are better than linoleum for a Blast. Linoleum is better than carpet for a Honker. Carpet is better than atop another pillow, which muffles it to a Whisper. And let us not forget Shock Force performed on hardwood, in which the whoopee cushion is sat upon with such enthusiasm that it blows out the sides.

    When I hear pork butt, my mind travels to Butt Street and Fart Partners. This is so juvenile that I revel in the anonymity of the Internet, but one day you may know my name, and I brace myself. Yet this may work to my advantage. If we ever meet, I will be dressed in snazzy clothes, having agonized over my hair part and hoping that I don’t say anything stupid, and then I will remember that there can be no gravity to our meeting since you know about Young Gay Panda’s six-pack of fart tapes.
    Last edited by Gay Panda; 10-25-2011 at 06:42 AM.

  6. #656
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    PART TWO: I no longer have to worry about trying to create an image of coolness. Just to hammer the last nail in the coffin, you should also know that as a cub, I stored bubble gum behind my ear like the girl named Violet in Willy Wonka. I thought she was brilliant. So I chewed a huge purple wad of gum to flavorlessness and stuck it behind my right ear. And I left it there until I wanted to chew it again. Which I did, and then put it back behind my ear. Then I forgot about it. It did not end well*. For those of you who persist in envisioning me on my half-shell, I have now fully killed the fantasy.

    It is why I find Mistress Delilah, Queen of Farts so funny. I grew out of sitting on whoopee cushions and taping their sounds, and I don’t find fart fetishes remotely romantic. But other people do, and I could have sold those tapes for a tidy profit. Instead, I foolishly believed that no one would ever want to hear my fake farting, let alone pay for it. So I tossed them. I could have funded my own small publishing company with the proceeds! Hindsight, ducklings, it kills me.

    It probably amazes you that the creative genius behind Fart Partners ever went to college, to write a long thesis with a lot of big words, and to translate multiple ancient languages into English. I was a professional musician for years and performed for applauding crowds night after night. I have worked in a laboratory; I edited a bilingual newspaper; I taught the Youth of America everything from their ABC’s to polynomials. And yet I am sitting here writing about farts because that is sadly where ‘pork butt’ sends my mind. Forgive me. I need to stop dithering on a recipe and unwrap the pork butt, or make Lady Friend unwrap it and prove that it is not, in fact, pale, damp, slightly hairy pig buttocks with a curly tail wedged between them.

    Maybe it has swine flu.

    All right then. Wilbur is going on a field trip to Normal Neighbor’s fridge. I’m done. This concludes the second episode of Cooking FABULOUSLY With Gay Panda. I didn’t even make it to the kitchen, but thank you for joining me today.
    Last edited by Gay Panda; 10-25-2011 at 06:54 AM. Reason: Damn you, missing article! :::shakes fist:::

  7. #657
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    UPDATE: (in explanation of *)

    How did it end, curious kitten? It ended with a giant glob of grayish gum entangled in my strawberry-blonde hair, which at the time had little strawberry. I remember standing before my bathroom mirror picking at it fruitlessly, awash with horror at how much trouble I would be in, and the gum getting more and more tangled into my hair. And then it struck me how to solve this problem!

    I got the scissors.

    And no more need be said.

  8. #658
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    AFTER THE DEBAUCHERY: DAY FOUR

    Tuesday weight: 187.2

    I am pleased to have returned to Friday's weight a little sooner than anticipated. Apparently, the solution to eating a carb-filled meal is to play miniature golf and Primal Skeeball for hours immediately afterwards. The cravings are still around, however, and I am eager for them to move along.

  9. #659
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    Ugh, I hate sugar cravings. It's like what (I imagine) nic fits are probably like, except no one cares because sugar today is like smoking was in the 60s, and no one gives a damn that you are trying to quit.
    Today I will: Eat food, not poison. Plan for success, not settle for failure. Live my real life, not a virtual one. Move and grow, not sit and die.

    My Primal Journal

  10. #660
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