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Thread: Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS page 659

  1. #6581
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    Expecto Patronum was not a very bright chicken.

    In the interest of being fair, I have not found chickens to be a very bright lot in general. And were a superior alien species to select me as a representative of the human species, I am afraid that their conclusions would not be flattering to any of us should their account be heavily weighted to subjects such as geometry, locating my wily cell phone, or Social Skills*.

    The subjects on a chicken’s report card are as follows: Food Identification and Retrieval, Egg Farting, Friend or Foe, Broom of Doom Calisthenics, and Irritating Gay Panda With Pointless Noise. Expecto was a genius at that last one, but in some other areas, she fell far short. I will give only one example since I am far behind on a project for someone else and my kitchen has been overrun by the Dish Goblins to the point where I can no longer find the counter or sinks. I have also spent two days dressing myself out of the clean clothes in the dryer, rather than transfer them to the closet and dressing myself there. The bathroom needs to be cleaned and a gift certificate should be redeemed and the refrigerator is hosting several wholly unintentional scientific experiments that have a date with the trash can.

    Often I worried that Expecto Patronum was subjecting herself to malnourishment, because I could sprinkle a veritable buffet around the backyard and she wouldn’t eat it. This was because she was convinced that whatever Avada Kedavra or Imperio had was The Very Best Thing Ever. So she chased them all over the yard to snatch a piece of The Very Best Thing Ever for herself, stepping on a dozen unclaimed Very Best Things Ever along the way, and whoever her target was would flee and gobble down the morsel on the run. Expecto never got it away, and while she was in heated pursuit of Avada, Imperio was eating everything else. This poor chicken lived a life of Being Hard Done By, and it was completely self-inflicted.

    Last week, I watered my garden in the evening and then rounded the house to close up the coop and spare them nightly visitors of raccoons, skunks, cats, psychotic neighbors, and pterodactyls. I leaned my head in to do a head count with a flashlight and counted one less than normal. I stared at them and counted a second time. Then I moved the light all around the tiny coop to see where in the world Expecto had squirreled herself.

    In time, I accepted the inevitable that she wasn’t there. I knew what this meant. It meant she escaped the fence and was sleeping on the PandaMobile. Again. So I trotted off and shined the light on no chicken nestled lovingly into the windshield. With no clue where she had gone, I paced the yard with my light and finally stumbled across her carcass.

    I will spare you the details, as I wish I had been spared them. But it looked like she had been dead for several hours, and while her spirit in Valhalla charged after other spirit chickens eating The Very Best Things Ever, her body had been partially consumed by her very own chicken friends in the backyard. I thought back in desperation to whether or not I had heard alarm calls through the day.

    But the problem is that my chickens think the Alarm Call is funny, so they give it on and off all day long. And when Gay Panda responds, nothing is ever wrong. No cat or raccoon or pterodactyl, no zombies reaching up through the soil to haul them down, nothing at all. They are the chickens who cry wolf incessantly.

    On Expecto’s last day on Earth, I hadn’t heard any alarm calls. Not a peep. The only time an actual attack could have happened was during the hour I spent at Whole Foods. However, chicken attacks usually result in a brawl that result in feathers everywhere, and this was not what I found.

    In conclusion, I have absolutely no idea what happened. I hope she had a heart attack and just keeled over, and the others bid her farewell in the only way chickens know how, by literally making her a part of them.

    And no, I did not make her a part of myself.

    Farewell, Expecto Patronum.

  2. #6582
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    UPDATE: (in explanation of *)

    * Watching television for an hour does not count as a social experience, unfortunately. Although I am so introverted that I revel in the silence once the TV is off and those people have gone away.**

    ** That is pathetic. I resolve to say hello to a real person today. ***

    *** You qualify as a real person. HELLO!!! ****

    **** Real Life Interaction AVERTED.

  3. #6583
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    Quote Originally Posted by luckyhinton View Post
    Just downloaded the app and this thread is the first I've read. I think you are awesome GayPanda.
    Hi, luckyhinton!!!

    I wish I really were awesome. If you could see the state of my kitchen currently, you'd run away screaming.

    * trudges to kitchen to start cleaning *

  4. #6584
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    Quote Originally Posted by madamvonsassypants View Post
    I've been on the Forums for less than a week and am also delighted by this thread on a consistent basis. Like, more so than talking about primal pooping and gene expression. That statement would probably mean more if Mark Sisson said it.
    Primal pooping?! EUGHHH. Clearly, I haven't been spending enough time in the forums lately since I missed that one.

    Should I search for it or clean my house?

    * searching *

  5. #6585
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sigi View Post
    Dearest Pandapants, I am very sorry to hear of the passing of Expecto Patronum. Are we certain it wasn't Avada Kedavra's doing?
    We can't be certain of anything. That chicken hates everything and everyone! I like when she challenges Lady Friend for dominance, as she is wont to do.

    Nobody takes on Lady Friend. Avada has learned that lesson to her detriment many times.

  6. #6586
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady Friend View Post
    "Fell Off the Primal Wagon Pooping"
    "Oops, I Glutened Again"
    "Primal Farting - early, middle and end"
    Lady Friend, I revoke the Lady in your name. You are now just Friend.

    Oops, I Glutened Again made me laugh.

  7. #6587
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gay Panda View Post
    Hi, luckyhinton!!!

    I wish I really were awesome. If you could see the state of my kitchen currently, you'd run away screaming.

    * trudges to kitchen to start cleaning *

    Awsome is not affected by piddly lil things like the state of ones kitchen...

    if you could see the state of my kitchen at the moment... Youd think world war Z, Y and W just hit it.
    Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

    http://primaldog.blogspot.co.uk/

  8. #6588
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    poor doofy chicken

    may her valiant spirit chase after food morsels in chicken heaven
    beautiful
    yeah you are

    I mean there's so many ants in my eyes! And there are so many TVs, microwaves, radios... I think, I can't, I'm not 100% sure what we have here in stock.. I don't know because I can't see anything! Our prices, I hope, aren't too low!

  9. #6589
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    I think an ideal Valhalla for Expecto Patronum would be a field covered in food and a chicken population of only one.

  10. #6590
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    Despite the horrifying appearance of miniature modern dinosaurs, the mental image of the chicken on the windshield is very endearing.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

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