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Thread: Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS page 5

  1. #41
    Paleobird's Avatar
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    Fabulous. Just.............Fabulous.

  2. #42
    Gay Panda's Avatar
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    Gay Panda is going out to eat with friends Loud and Quiet. They are wonderful people who would never hurl poo or abuse kitties, but they are on Weight Watchers. At restaurants they peruse the menu not to waffle between a delectable array of choices, but to estimate how many points each dish contains, and how many points they have left for the day, and if maybe they should just share a meal and get a beer, or sip someone else’s. This makes Gay Panda crazy.

    I am not eloquent in person. A coworker once kept a tally of how many words I spoke in his presence. In three years, I had spoken 12 words. Six were ‘hi’, and six were ‘bye’. So I do not know how to explain that hunger is not the enemy and cannot be controlled by willpower. Your body needs to be nourished. Certain foods may make it inflate, and certain foods may make it deflate. But you have to feed your body, and to deny it what it needs to function is to make an enemy of your home.

    Did they swim twenty minutes or thirty? Will the soup push them over the limit, or is it okay because they were under yesterday? Lady Friend may say something about primal should the wrangling over points go on too long. Lest someone suggest I show them this journal, I confess that no one, not even Lady Friend, knows that I am writing it.

    I meant to tell Lady Friend, but yesterday she announced that I am such a lousy liar that I can keep no secrets from her, and turned this into a challenge. I failed her last challenge so miserably that I am resolved to win this one. The last challenge was about making a hoard. Gay Panda is a very neat panda addicted to the show Hoarders, because the mental glitch that makes this behavior possible is out of Gay Panda’s comprehension. Perhaps if I made my own hoard, I could gain insight.

    Lady Friend said I could never do it, and then she frolicked off on a business trip for two weeks, and so I had time to surprise her. The road to a hoard began with a single clean sock placed carefully on the floor. I straightened out the toe so that it did not look so messy, and then folded it back because hoarders do not have tidy hoards.

    And then that sock made me even crazier than Loud and Quiet’s Weight Watchers’ point wrangling. I braced myself in anticipation of the next step, which would be to put down a second sock, and add an empty soda can on its side with the last drops leaking onto the hardwood. Benign Poltergeist taunted the kitty that night and made her run all over the house, leaving tufts of fur everywhere, and I found myself getting out the vacuum.

    Then I put it back. Hoarders do not vacuum. Nor do they obsess about a sock on the floor, but I could see nothing else in the room but a white athletic glow and specially flattened toe seam. As I watched the Netflix, my eyes kept drifting away from the screen to look at it. When I walked through the room, I stepped around it. But hoarders step ON their carpet of filth, not around it.

    I liked that sock. It was comfortable and new, and I paid eighteen ninety-nine for the six-pack, and now there was a glob of fur on it. I could take no more. When Lady Friend returned and eyed the spotless house in triumph, Gay Panda may have childishly shouted SHUT UP and run out of the room. So Gay Panda must win this battle and keep the journal a secret to pull one over on Lady Friend, and present it at her birthday dinner in four months so that she can call Gay Panda a good liar. And a dork.

  3. #43
    MaLink's Avatar
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    Huzzah for secrets

    keep it up
    Doing the Primal 30 Day Challenge since August 8th, 2011!




  4. #44
    Gay Panda's Avatar
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    MaLink, Gay Panda does not know if this can truly be kept up until December. Lady Friend just asked what was new and I burst into guilty giggles after saying 'Nothing!' So now she is suspicious.

  5. #45
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    lol.. i mean this in the best possible manner, you're a dork
    beautiful
    yeah you are

    I mean there's so many ants in my eyes! And there are so many TVs, microwaves, radios... I think, I can't, I'm not 100% sure what we have here in stock.. I don't know because I can't see anything! Our prices, I hope, aren't too low!

  6. #46
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    Gay Panda I just spent the last few minutes laughing hysterically at your posts. This is my favorite new journal to read! I have faith that you can keep this from lady friend! I, too, am horrible at keeping secrets and get the same guilty giggles when someone so much as looks at me the wrong way. I couldn't help but smile and nod as i was reading your post about laying sleeplessly in bed recalling embarassing moments, sock necessities, grocery store lists and wondering if the thing that I said earlier that was supposed to be funny came out wrong and now I look like an idiot. I am looking forward to your next post. For now, I am going to look at Lolcats 'n' Funny Pictures of Cats - I Can Has Cheezburger? because you just reminded me how much I used to enjoy it.
    Last edited by KatyNC; 09-04-2011 at 04:59 PM.

  7. #47
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    You should seriously consider writing a book! You would easily become my favorite author!

  8. #48
    Gay Panda's Avatar
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    KatyNC, why can't we forget our embarrassing moments as easily as we forget where we last set down our cell phones? I mispronounced Yosemite in front of my fourth grade class, and my skin STILL crawls remembering the laughter. In ninth grade, I savaged the pronunciation of Penelope all the way through a five-minute oral report, and in college I said something so blisteringly stupid that it keeps me up at night all these years later. I seriously doubt any of my classmates remembers these things, but they are branded into my mind with torturous clarity.

    newlifejourney, I actually do write books. *Cue Violins* I had one published in 2007, and days after the release, the distributor quit the publishing house, which then went bankrupt, and the copies of the books disappeared into a warehouse somewhere in America's Heartland. No one has ever been able to trace them. But I'm glad you're enjoying the journal because I'm having so much fun writing it.

  9. #49
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    Gay Panda has chickens. They are named after Harry Potter spells, so my maligned neighbors may have a legitimate complaint about me since they live next to someone who stands on the porch shouting at Wingardium Leviosa to get out of the planter.

    The ringleader of the flock has hated me since the day I brought her home as a chick. For those of you who do not have experience with chickens, I say with the know-it-all confidence of someone with very little experience that chickens have two emotions: Eating and Pissed. That fuzzy little chick looked up at me with a very clear message in her pissed peeps. If our sizes were reversed, I would be eaten alive.

    She also hates Lady Friend and Normal Neighbor, and every person that she has encountered in the scant months of her life. The degree of her antipathy to the human race is incinerating, and so her name is Avada Kedavra. I have tried to win her affection, offering grated cheese and bits of roast beef, complimenting her very shiny feathers, and in return, she wants Gay Panda to die.

    But I did not get chickens so we could snuggle on the sofa and watch Napoleon Dynamite together. Avada Kedavra takes a break from cursing people every day to lay a little tan egg, and then she returns to her regularly scheduled programming. I take the little tan egg to the kitchen and face a quandary.

    There is a comfortable distance to store eggs. They magically appear on the shelves at Whole Foods in cardboard cartons, but daily I am confronted by the fact that this egg came out of Avada Kedavra’s feathered butt, and I am going to take something from her butt and put it in my mouth. On days when OCD gets the better of me, I make Lady Friend a gigantic omelet from Avada Kedavra’s eggs, and a gigantic omelet for myself from store eggs.

    I think in time that this will pass. Gay Panda grew up in the suburbs, and the realities of Where Food Comes From is easy to avoid there. There were no farms but in picture books with smiling cows, and in Disney movies where every animal has a name and family and tremendous psychological complexity. It has helped me in eating meat to have my own chickens, to see that their emotional lives are limited to Eating and Pissed. Avada Kedavra does not weep when I abscond with her offspring. None of them worry that Cruciatus seems a bit down lately, or tease Imperio for having a tiny comb. They deserve good care, as any living being does, but they are chickens.

    Today is one of those days where I am dwelling too much on how the little tan egg came to be, so I am going to text Lady Friend and ask if she wants an Avada Kedavra Omelet that is to die for, and I will have an Anonymous Omelet from the magical shelves at Whole Foods, and I’ll try again tomorrow.

  10. #50
    superdeluxe's Avatar
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    I'm sure the Avada Kedavra omelette is so much more delicious than the Whole Foods omelette. You will be spellbound once you switch over.

    And unless there's something really wrong with her anatomy, that egg did not come out of her butt. Besides, there's a shell, which you can wash (don't lick it).
    Il faut vivre et non pas seulement exister.

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