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Thread: Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS page 367

  1. #3661
    Gay Panda's Avatar
    Gay Panda is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Michelle327 View Post
    Raw sirloin is extra primal!
    Dear Michelle327, harv58exc, riscl66 and all the rest of you trolls besieging my journal lately,

    As you know, Gay Panda never had cubs. And 99.999% of the time, Gay Panda is confident that that was the right decision. There are many reasons, but the prevailing one was that it didn’t interest me. I was informed that this would change with age, and then I aged, and it didn’t change. I was informed that I should go ahead and do it anyway, but I did not heed this advice. Laying the burden of being interesting on a cub seemed an unreasonable and unfair expectation. My mother laid the burdens on me of being a musical genius, her confidante and best friend, the shining light that guided her through her life, and these were roles I could not fill. I had my own road to follow, and a cub’s job is to be a cub, not endeavor to be interesting to its easily bored, highly introverted, sensory-aggravated, terribly shy, OCD- and anxiety-ridden, happiest-alone and four-points-from-autism parental unit.

    Usually when I am with children, I want to be away from children. I am polite, because to be less is unbecoming. It isn’t their fault that I’m bored in their company somewhere in the spectrum of seconds to minutes, and I fascinated few adults in my own cubhood with my intricate details of the inner lives and turmoil of my stuffed animal collection. When I grew older and had to take care of my siblings, I patiently listened to Pokemon and Ninja Turtle obsessions. But I did not care and I did not want to listen, and when it was socially appropriate, I made my exit or suggested we go outside and play baseball instead. The thought of having to do this again makes me ill. I want to be left alone with my writing for gobs of hours during the day, because writing sates me in a way nothing else does. On the occasions I desire actual company, I want to be with adults. I never seek out the company of children to amuse me, because they don’t. So having a cub seemed like a foolish decision that would have been largely driven by a need to gain approval from the community, and, like expecting a cub to be interesting for my own entertainment, is all about me.

    The 0.001% I question my decision is when I come across glorious names like yours, Trolls. Then I realize I will never get the chance to shout at a Little Harv55exc or riscl66 to stop picking his nose, and I will never tell a Michelle327 that if I step on a goddamned Lego one more time, she is rapidly going to become familiar with all sorts of medieval torture devices. So I will never get to feel myself enormously clever at having come up with such cool names. I love names. The names of my characters are chosen with excruciating care. Beautiful or strong or funny or weird or subtly malicious, I spend a lot of time on names. My favorite on the weird list was the teenaged mother nicknamed Zoo, unusual but weirdly apropos for the character’s emotional tumble. Who doesn’t feel like a zoo sometimes inside? If you were to tell me that I could have the most delicious bowl of mashed potatoes and gravy in the world, but first I had to push the cart at Whole Foods and wipe my hands all over my face, and then not be allowed to shower before eating the potatoes, I would definitely be a zoo. Of lust, of rage, of anxiety, what storms we kick up when we pit our hottest appetites and coldest fears in a cage match to the death.

    But then I come across a name so perfect like yours, xx67fl9, and I realize I will never bestow it upon a real human being. My creations walk only within the pages of my books. No one will ever be introduced to my cub and say, “Wow, what a great name!” so I can be filled with pride. No bubble sheet will ever be filled out by a cub thankful that I did not saddle them with a long name like mine, or a weird one with hyphens and apostrophes and asterisks and random y’s sprinkled throughout. Had I had a son, he probably would have just been named Jack with xx67fl9 as a middle name. Not J’ack, not Jyck, not Jaack or Jak or Jax or J-ack or Jyaack or Kcaj since spelling names backwards seems to be making inroads into the baby naming sphere. Just Jack, so he would not have to go around all the time correcting people that it is JACK with an R. Jack xx67fl9 Panda. Nice and normal, and it rolls off the tongue.

    A daughter I would have called Olivia9x3, having fallen in love with that name as a cub myself, and I’d never tell her that my first instance of running into the name Olivia was the psycho grandmother of the Flowers in the Attic series. No, I’d just leave that little fact out, so I wouldn’t have to one day be confronted by my cub’s psychiatrist over what unholy spirit possessed me to name my daughter after a lunatic fictional character who kept her grandkids locked up in the attic for years and didn’t bother to bury the one who died from eating poisoned doughnuts.

    Maybe I should have said spoiler alert there. Oh well.

    I will never get to say welcome to the world, little harv55ecx Panda! Oh dear, you’ve inherited my face, Olivia9x3 Panda. Sorry about that. By the way, as soon as you’re mobile, you’re pushing the cart for me at Whole Foods. Also, be interesting, and leave me alone for twelve hours every day so I can write, and another eight so I can sleep. And don’t forget to thank me for your great name.

    But in the real world little harv55ecx Panda would not be doing these things, and wanting people to admire my prowess at naming is yet again, all about me and nothing about the cub. So I return to my 99.999% conviction that I made the right decision in limiting myself to the creation of characters. But thank you for writing and letting me reevaluate my decision, harv55ecx, Michelle327, riscl66, even if, as I always do, I come to the same conclusion that cubs would have been the wrong decision for me.

    Unapologetically self-absorbedly narcissistically yours,
    Gay Panda
    Last edited by Gay Panda; 06-19-2012 at 12:16 PM.

  2. #3662
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    *Initiates slow clap*
    Clap..............................Clap............ ........Clap..........Clap, etc.
    If I just said LOL, I lied. Do or do not. There is no try.

  3. #3663
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    Quote Originally Posted by justyouraveragecavemen View Post
    *Initiates slow clap*
    Clap..............................Clap............ ........Clap..........Clap, etc.
    * bows *

  4. #3664
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gay Panda View Post
    Usually when I am with children, I want to be away from children.
    You and me both, sir. You and me both.

    _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

  5. #3665
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    I like children... exspecially with bbq sauce.....
    Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

    http://primaldog.blogspot.co.uk/

  6. #3666
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    “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
    ~Friedrich Nietzsche
    And that's why I'm here eating HFLC Primal/Paleo.


  7. #3667
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    <<I had my own road to follow, and a cub’s job is to be a cub>> understanding this puts you ahead of most parents

    As for the naming thing, that's what chickens and cats are for
    Cooking Primal with Otter - Journal
    Otter's (Defunct) Primal Log
    "Not baked goods, Professor, baked bads!" ~ The Tick

  8. #3668
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    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    It depends on the child. Your average mouth breather to whom I have no relation under the age of 5? Excuse while I find something else to do. An above average child that can hold down a reasonably ok, if base level conversation or ask for something without resorting to baby talk, idiot talk, or horrible grammar? sure, I'll spend a bit of time with them. A child with special needs? I do what I can, but no promises. Most of the time, I give children a wide berth because I'm afraid I'll take out my past on them.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  9. #3669
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    Cori, that is disgusting!! Look at all that bread!

    _-J o u r n a l_--------- ---- ---- --- --- -- -- -

  10. #3670
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gravyboat View Post
    Cori, that is disgusting!! Look at all that bread!
    You're awesome!

    I've babysat enough to know that I can handle children in small doses. However, I require the ability to get away from them/get them away from me when I'm not in a child-friendly mood which really precludes having any of my own.

    That, and they're not particularly interesting until they can wipe their own butts and hold a conversation.
    http://cattaillady.com/ My blog exploring the beginning stages of learning how to homestead. With the occasional rant.

    Originally Posted by TheFastCat: Less is more more or less

    And now I have an Etsy store: CattailsandCalendula

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