Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS page 33

[HeatherJ]

I am an INTJ Leo!


...but I'm not aroused by fur.

Also.. I don't know about Cadbury Eggs, but you may be surprised at how pliable a haribo ring is, and what things it can fit around.

Shit. On the spectrum, this means I am closer to Rod than to furries.

[Gay Panda]

Before everyone rushes in to inform Gay Panda that BMI is a useless tool, let me respond that I know. It does not stop me from visiting the online BMI calculator every time I hit a new low on the scale.

It would be easier if I knew my exact height. The last time anyone checked was when I was in high school, and I recollect that the measure read 5’8” and a half. Or maybe it was three-quarters. So I round up to 5’9”. But then again, don’t pandas shrink with age? So maybe I am 5’8” or 4’2” now. Yet I am not THAT old, so perhaps the shrinkage has yet to come.

When I go the BMI calculator, I calculate for 5’8”, 5’8 ½”, and 5’9”. No matter the height, I no longer qualify as obese. I am just overweight, my BMI having decreased from over 35 to 27-28, depending on which height I enter in the box. Again, I know that this means little. Lady Friend, by BMI standards, is considered obese. She is very muscular and has an active job, yet some doctors look only at her BMI, not her body, and assume that she eats junk, does nothing, and is unhealthy.

But she is walking and lifting heavy things all day long. Her arms and calves are hard as boulders, and she can throw down a fully-grown sheep. So I don’t know how she fits into the same category as a friend of mine who sat at a computer all day long pretending to be half-werewolf, half-witch* with a group of likewise magical Internet friends, and ate fast food for each and every meal. She had an oily slick on her skin, health problems, and could not climb stairs without panting. By BMI categories, both are obese. Yet they could not be more different.

So I take my numbers with a grain of salt, but I still look to see what they are. And since I am tired of entering three heights, perhaps next Sunday when Lady Friend liberates the hidden tape measure, I’ll have her do my height as well. Then we’ll know the exact dimensions of your unattainable dream of a panda, and it will help all of you in picturing me in my Botticelli pose on the half-shell.

[Gay Panda]

UPDATE: (in explanation of *) In case you are wondering how that works, Gay Panda doesn’t know either. This friend wrote an entire mythology of herself, which she read over the phone after a long shift at my restaurant job in college, and which I promptly forgot. But she had many exciting powers and was going to buy a costume and use glittery cosmetics, and later meet up with other magical friends also costumed so that they could drink beer and cast spells on each other.

Sometimes silence is a panda’s best ally, but honestly, I was too tired and distracted to laugh. That was the shift of the Bleu Cheese Incident, and I was still working out the morality of what I had done. I bussed tables at a restaurant visited by Crotchety Old, who drank large quantities of coffee and tipped in pennies, cough drops, and purse lint. One table of four had been very obnoxious that evening, snapping at me like I was their dog, and their needs were impossible to satisfy.

Unlike my half-werewolf, half-witch friend, I never managed to tap into magical ability. There was nothing I could do to make Herbert’s cushion more cushiony. I was helpless in the face of Mabel’s complaint that her fish tasted fishy. I smiled** and cleared and delivered gallons of coffee, indulging the request that Sylvia’s cup be EXACTLY one-eighth decaf and seven-eighths regular. She watched me pour with gimlet eyes, issuing warning clucks when I came close to breaching her fractional requirements. Grover pulled me by the sleeve from another table back to theirs to refill again two minutes later, and he was used to better service, and why was Mabel’s fish so fishy?

Gay Panda had had it up to the fuzzy ears. I poured more coffee and cleared Sylvia’s salad plate. She had not so much eaten as set off a small explosive in the middle, so I edged my fingers onto the one space on the rim not covered in goo, and lifted the plate. A huge glob of bleu cheese fell off the other side, and plummeted into her bluish-white hair at the crown. She didn’t notice.

I froze. No one else had seen it fall, because they were guzzling back their thirteenth cups of coffee. I was sick to death of these people, who had been rude from the second they walked through the door. I’d shirked fifteen other tables because I was dealing with this one awful party. So I walked away, leaving the salad dressing where it landed. Should I have burst into apologies and rushed for napkins? Was it right to leave a massive glob of oily bleu cheese in an old woman’s hair?

Yet I could not bring myself to give them even more to complain about, and she left hours later with the salad dressing undiscovered. I went home exhausted and wondering if I had been as rude as they, and how it wasn’t very kind to stoop to their level, and then the half-werewolf, half-witch*** called to explain her genesis. So this is why I deprive you of the details, and it will haunt us both today.

[Gay Panda]

SECOND UPDATE: (in explanation of ** and ***)
**Perhaps this was the cause of their antipathy. I smiled wrong.
***To make amends for not being able to describe how one achieves half-werewolf, half-witch status, I did some research for you. And found nothing, but some other fun tidbits to pass on. (Obviously, Gay Panda does not feel like getting any work done today.)

I instantly walked right into a take-no-prisoners slugfest on Yahoo Answers about how someone can be half-werewolf at all. Incredibly, 11 people participated in this battle of mythology, squabbling over how many kinds of werewolves there are, the time of day/night and moon stage in which one is affected, and if there are over-the-counter drugs that remedy this condition.

Next, I ran into a series of erotic books about a half-werewolf, half-witch. I will spare you the gross synopsis of a half-breed young lady who goes uncontrollably into heat and needs to be satisfied. Gay Panda lost some innocence while reading it, but our Cadbury Egg pal Rod took so, so much more.

Then I landed on a page describing the werepire, a subspecies that blends wolf with vampire, and the site rushes to assure that very few are in existence today. But what if they are lying? Let’s see if anyone has ever asked Cha-Cha . . . someone has! Cha-Cha brings comfort that such creatures only exist in movies. Then someone asks Cha-Cha for guidance on how to become a fairy.

Oh, you naive child. Fairies are born, not made. And now, my darlings, it is time for Gay Panda to work.

[anjelevil]

Great story.I work in catering and really appreciate when an obnoxious customer gets what's coming to them.Brilliant that they were unaware.The horror fest it must have been at home that night.Oh to have been a fly on the wall!

[Gay Panda]

Great story.I work in catering and really appreciate when an obnoxious customer gets what's coming to them.Brilliant that they were unaware.The horror fest it must have been at home that night.Oh to have been a fly on the wall!

I think I mostly felt bad because I thought I should feel bad, not because I actually did. Food service really makes you wonder about people. My other favorite table had the woman who picked up the butter dish and dumped the (unwrapped) butter into her purse. And then she sat in a heated restaurant for three hours while it slowly melted in there.

[Gay Panda]

I am an INTJ Leo!

...but I'm not aroused by fur.

Also.. I don't know about Cadbury Eggs, but you may be surprised at how pliable a haribo ring is, and what things it can fit around.

Shit. On the spectrum, this means I am closer to Rod than to furries.

:::hiding from HeatherJ:::

[Griffin]

Griffin wins the Gay Panda Funny Point for today! That cracked me up.

Whoo HOO! How many do I need for a Gay Panda keychain from the gift shop?

[anjelevil]

My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we'll change the world. - Jack Layton
Griffin..love the Layton quote.The last letter written to Canada was beautiful

[Gay Panda]

Whoo HOO! How many do I need for a Gay Panda keychain from the gift shop?

Now you have two Gay Panda Funny Points. The keychain (which comes with extra fabulousness) is in the mail!