I had a college professor tell me I'd make a good lawyer b/c I can argue. I'm not sure if that was a compliment or a jab...
I get jealous too, GP. Mostly about rapid weight loss - and when I get jealous, I get negative. For instance, someone loses 20 lbs before I lose 1 and I instantly cut down their program and say "well, they'll grow it back". I get jealous of worldly possessions too b/c while DH and I get paid well, we overspend and as such have no money... life sucks sometimes, but I get over it.
Just remember.... poo hurler will gain it all back. Probably with the first McDonald's value meal she eats.
Since Gay Panda no longer has any cats, the backyard has been taken over by Princess Vengeance.
She belongs to my neighbor, a sleek, graceful little black cat with a high-pitched, scolding meow, and one must be exceedingly careful in the petting department. As inclined to arch her back happily as she is to smack you in the face for daring to touch the fur of royalty, I find it easier to maintain a paws-off policy and just discuss life with her from a healthy distance. Because she owns the world and everything in it, she thinks nothing of marching into the house to inspect my belongings, and over the weekend investigated the pantry and hobby room in a sea of discontent.
Princess Vengeance has a sibling, the Goofus of the Goofus and Gallant comic that I enjoyed as a cub. Brother Goofus also visits, usually by falling over the fence and ambling over for hugs and fusses, and he loves to be draped over your shoulder as you go about your daily tasks. He is a simple being, unlike his sister, and prone to memory problems. The other day I opened my back door and surprised him, and although I only said, “Hi, Goofus!” he heard, “Cat meat is primal!” He bolted through the yard in an absolute panic from this homicidal panda threatening his life, darted up the fence, stumbled at the top, leaped onto his owner’s shed, stumbled again, and vanished behind the garage.
Since Windows Vista vacated her position as Chicken Shepherd, it has been taken over by Princess Vengeance. Goofus is terrified of them, which is why I never received his application or salary inquiries. When Goofus looks at a chicken, he sees a velociraptor maddened by hunger for primal cat flesh. When Princess Vengeance sees a chicken, she pauses to consider. You can almost see the workings of her brain as she calculates her size and the chicken’s size, the strategies she might employ to split one away from the flock, the angle of her pounce and the probability of her win. She lies in the grass and watches them intently. At this point she is still uncertain of her power and makes no move, but on Saturday I had to scare her away because she then fixated on two fat but tiny towhees hopping around by the trashcans and shaking their wings.
With the chickens safe in her capable paws, I left for the front yard because it is Gardening Time. Gay Panda showed restraint this weekend in buying tomato plants, which was difficult because when it comes to tomatoes, I could happily buy one of each kind. The store had a very generous selection, but there are only three in my vegetable beds right now. There is also something called a butternut squash. I don’t know why Lady Friend buys the things she does, because the squash that the plant will one day produce will taste like neither butter nor nuts. It will have a gnarly fibrous texture and look like an anemic pumpkin sucked of its healthy orange color by a sparkling veggie vampire, and Lady Friend will coo about how gorgeous it is and ferry it off to make a nasty soup. But Lady Friend took a blow to the head recently for daring to pet Princess Vengeance, and perhaps her mind has not been in the right place since then. So I will be patient and understanding with Lady Friend about this butternut squash thing, just like she is patient and understanding with me when she says, “Download the picture and save it to your desktop,” and I stare at her like she is insane.
There are strawberries and cucumbers and carrots and beans, a blueberry bush circling sad faces on its feelings charts because it needs a new home, a perky little pumpkin and bedraggled lettuce. My alstroemeria has gone bonkers, which pleases me, since Gay Panda has cheap taste in flowers. The roses made me sneeze and I turned the hose on the chickens when they came to help with planting, Princess Vengeance having gone home to contemplate further the meaty thighs of Imperio and the likeliness of who would win in a battle. I got my primal exercise in with an hour outside digging and watering and weeding and today I have to water again before some heavy-duty vacuuming since Benign Poltergeist has been leaving dust bunnies everywhere. Benign Poltergeist has also stolen my phone again, and keeps making my computer do the Spinning Rainbow Wheel of Doom when I really need to be editing. So I will add ‘exorcism’ to my daily chore list right there under ‘laundry’, ‘dishes’, ‘changing sheets’, and ‘taking out trash’.
Last edited by Gay Panda; 05-29-2012 at 08:33 AM.
And presently, I'm jealous that you're at home, able to do all those things and I'm chained to this desk reading MDA... while reading MDA is nice and all, I'd much rather be at home planting flowers, tending to the yard and washing bedding.
"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls." - George Carlin
I think a straight-jacket is definitely cheaper, it's probably the cost of MANY therapy sessions, even if you're just paying co-pays.
I'm always afraid I'll get in trouble when I read GPs journal at work.
“If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” --Audre Lorde