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Thread: Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS page 288

  1. #2871
    Gay Panda's Avatar
    Gay Panda is offline Senior Member
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    Primal Fuel
    PART ONE: We all have our less attractive personality traits.

    These are the ones you deliberately leave OFF your dating profile, because answering ‘Describe Yourself’ with adjectives like clingy, critical, childish, and parsimonious* is far less likely to win you a response than fun-loving, faithful, friendly, and mischievous. One omits the bad parts, or performs a bit of word magic so that the negativity of I hate traveling transforms into the inoffensive and sweet I’m a homebody. There, all better.

    If I were to be fully honest in a dating profile, I’d have to say that my truthful nature comes paired with anxiety. My dedication to my work is counterbalanced by inflexibility, and despite being giving, I’m sometimes very selfish. I’m fussy and finicky and easily bored, and my moods often swing to Eeyore. I tend to black-and-white thinking, that one bad event in an otherwise benign day poisons it, and when you ask a question, I panic that I’m going to answer something dumb. When I do answer something dumb, which is inevitable for everyone now and then, I beat myself up about it all day and think that I should never interact with people again because if I can’t be perfect, then why try?

    This is why it is a bad idea to be fully honest on a dating profile. Rereading this, I think yikes, what a neurotic nut before remembering that I am writing about myself. Yes, I have good points. But I also have some very bad ones.

    The bad point under consideration today is jealousy.

    My neighbor Poo Hurler has dropped a large amount of weight in a short period of time and seemingly without much effort. I am fairly sure it was accomplished by some mode of calorie restriction and gross diet bars, but my body has stopped. It has done what it can, slowly taken me from obese down to overweight, but it can do no more. This journey may be through, and I have to accept it. For moments I consider falling back into old habits of starving myself and running daily 5Ks to force it off, but that didn’t work the first 500 times, so I don’t know why it would work the 501st.

    I am jealous. Of a woman in a miserable marriage with unpleasant adult children, of a woman who throws cat poo in the road so when it rains, turds float past my house like the Greek army sailing to Troy. She has mental problems and a maniacal laugh to prove it. But her body shucked the weight in no time, and Gay Panda’s has not.

    Her life has been made no easier by becoming lighter; she still has a miserable marriage with unpleasant adult children, a nasty habit of throwing poo and a maniacal laugh. In the morning, she still wakes up as her very bizarre, if thinner, self. So I’m trying to temper my jealousy, because if a wizard said I could have what she has if I also took on Mr. Poo Hurler and the Little Poo Hurlers, or whatever specific mental issue she totes around, I’d turn it down. I would love to lose weight, but I can’t romanticize her life to aid my tendency to jealousy.

  2. #2872
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    PART TWO: But that’s where it is hard for me, not letting this one grievance spread its poison. It’s like yanking on a thread and having an entire pattern fall apart before you. I can’t lose weight. I never was successful at a career. My family is insane. All those dreams I had of my future when I was a young panda never panned out. This is what I wake up with and carry around all day, and most of the time I try not to feed the beast because it does nothing but dig the ditch deeper. Yes, my high school friends went on to greater things, earning degrees from prestigious colleges, becoming doctors and lawyers and snapping business cards. They collect big paychecks and go home for the holidays and aren’t afraid to talk to people in line at Whole Foods. But that’s only the surface I’m seeing, and just because one writes marvelous things about oneself and one’s family in the yearly holiday card does not mean that absolutely everything in their lives is marvelous. They have disappointments, too, dreams that never came to be, and we rarely talk about those things.

    Honesty is the only way to combat the romance inherent in my jealousy. Am I disappointed in how my life turned out? Yes. I am. This isn’t where I thought I would be. The last thing I believed at 18 was that I’d be fat and unsuccessful and estranged from my family as an adult. It isn’t a pretty truth, but there it is, and it hurts. I am jealous of the author of Twilight, and I am jealous of Poo Hurler. I am jealous of people who don’t obsess for days/months/years of the few times they answered something dumb to a question. I am jealous of an acquaintance who, when she has a problem, says I’m going to call my mom.

    Yes, sometimes life can be pretty disappointing. It just is, and to acknowledge it seems healthier than to pretend that every moment is magical. Sometimes it sucks. We don’t always get what we want no matter how much we want it or how much we worked for it; we see other people who have it and don’t their lives look perfect? But they’re likely looking to someone else and coveting what they have. I can’t know because I’m not in their minds, but I doubt I’m the only one who feels this way.

    No, I’m not an average size, and my career and family are the envy of no one. That’s just how it is. I don’t feel like recriminating myself for feeling less than chivalrous about the good fortune of others today. Acquaintance, I am jealous of your supportive mom. Poo Hurler, I am jealous of your weight loss. Author of Twilight, your books sucked crusty swamp ass and yet you are blindingly popular, and I am jealous of your success. It feels good just to acknowledge that.

    And now I can focus on the good points of my life, because I do not have to share a home with pissy Mr. Poo Hurler. No one can blame me for sparkling vampires. I had a nice day editing. I intend to broil a steak for dinner instead of unwrapping a gross diet bar. I have brought a zombie penguin back to the Magical Bamboo Forest to infest the state. These are all positive things that make me happy.

    So maybe in the dating profile it would be okay under ‘Describe Yourself’ to say jealous – but it’s under control.

  3. #2873
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    UPDATE: (in explanation of *)

    Choosing the adjective parsimonious is a double-whammy. First, you cop to being on the stingy side. Second, you let prospective dates know that you are insecure about your intelligence, and use big words to show off. Darlings, say frugal.

  4. #2874
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    i'm reading and visualizing giving you a hug and looking you in the eyes until you know you are acceptable. that's what i'm doing right now.

  5. #2875
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    I know.
    The only difference is that you could replace your jealousy with my fear.

    The other day I decided that I needed a new pillow (read: stuffie) because mine is all worn out...
    I was taking a break from perusing amazon for the appropriate new plush when I read this.
    I chose this one.
    http://www.amazon.com/Aurora-Plush-X...8091257&sr=8-7

    So from now on when I'm needing a some comfort, basically every time I go to sleep, you'll be getting hugs too.
    “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
    ~Friedrich Nietzsche
    And that's why I'm here eating HFLC Primal/Paleo.


  6. #2876
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    I'm glad you finished with those last couple of paragraphs, Pandykins. I was about to set you some old-fashioned homework along the lines of "make a list of all the good things about myself and my life, and re-read it on the hour every hour to remind myself how FABULOUS I am, in MY way".

    I have studiously avoided as many school reunion-type events as I can because I hate the odious career/income comparisons (I never reached the very high academic achievements expected of me and still feel I will be judged on that level, especially knowing how successful many of my former school friends have become). I'm perfectly happy with the lifestyle and career choice I've made in a moderately interesting but generally low stress job which allows me to sleep at night. I don't regret not having pursued something more high-flying which I suspect would not have been healthy for someone with my tendencies toward paralysing obsession over detail, worrying about every little thing that might go wrong, and being hyper-sensitive to criticism. Does that mean I've simply avoided what seemed to be too hard? Maybe. I don't give a fuck. I'm content with what I have, modest as it may be, and I don't think more stuff or status or "contacts" would make me any happier.

    Let me start your list for you, Panda: I have a wonderful talent for writing which draws in and delights people from all around the world every day. And makes them want to hug me and tell me I'm pretty damn okay just the way I am.
    I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

    Oscar Wilde

  7. #2877
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gay Panda View Post
    Yes, my high school friends went on to greater things, earning degrees from prestigious colleges, becoming doctors and lawyers and snapping business cards. They collect big paychecks and go home for the holidays and aren’t afraid to talk to people in line at Whole Foods. But that’s only the surface I’m seeing, and just because one writes marvelous things about oneself and one’s family in the yearly holiday card does not mean that absolutely everything in their lives is marvelous. They have disappointments, too, dreams that never came to be, and we rarely talk about those things.
    I have been amazed on occasion to find out just how often those who seem on the surface to have it all and have it all together are actually harboring great sadnesses and secrets below that surface.
    I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

    Oscar Wilde

  8. #2878
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    It is true, most Pandas lead lives of quiet desperation. I am glad you wouldn't trade your desperation for others'. This is wise. We love you, GayPanda.

  9. #2879
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    Raise your hand if you are jealous of GayPanda. (Raises hand.) I wish I could write like you do. You are fabulous. Your writing is so vivid. I can imagine everything: Lady Friend, the lambs, Poo Hurler, the list goes on and on.

    <3, Gwynn

  10. #2880
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gwynn View Post
    Raise your hand if you are jealous of GayPanda. (Raises hand.) I wish I could write like you do. You are fabulous. Your writing is so vivid. I can imagine everything: Lady Friend, the lambs, Poo Hurler, the list goes on and on.

    <3, Gwynn
    +1

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