Does anyone else ever look at the latest gossip news and wonder just who in the world half of these people are?
himalayan food sounds delicious! i wish we had more "interesting food" opportunities around here.
my primal journal:
Of course. Obviously, I'm not cool since I don't know these cool people. And another thing I wonder is, who the hell cares what these people are doing with their hollywood lives?
REMORSE: Gay Panda, this is beyond the pale! We were just here a few days ago and here we are again, leering at the crusty tub of mashed potatoes at Whole Foods!
RESOLVE: My measurements show that the crust is even thicker this time. Don’t try it, Debauchery. Crust does not mean higher fiber.
DEBAUCHERY: ZOMG, WISCONSIN!!! IT’S REALLY SUPER COLD THERE AND GAY PANDA NEEDS TO BUILD A HEALTHY LAYER OF FAT TO STAY WARM!!!
GAY PANDA: I already have a very healthy layer of fat, Debauchery.
REMORSE: Enough to feed one of Wisconsin’s roving packs of starved winter wolves.
GAY PANDA: Wisconsin has starved packs of wolves roving about?
DEBAUCHERY: OF COURSE IT DOESN’T!!! WISCONSIN HAS PENGUINS!!!
GAY PANDA: Wisconsin has roving packs of penguins hungering for human flesh?
DEBAUCHERY: THE ZOMBIE ONES DO!!! THAT’S WHY IT’S BEST JUST TO STAY IN YOUR IGLOO UNTIL WINTER IS FINALLY OVER IN JULY!!! ONE OF THE STATE BUDGET CUTS THAT REALLY YANKED ON EVERYONE’S BEN-WA BEADS WAS THE SLASH GIVEN TO THE ZOMBIE PENGUIN PATROL!!! NO ONE IS SAFE!!!
REMORSE: What news site do you read, Debauchery? That is insane.
DEBAUCHERY: SHUT UP, REMORSE, THE ONION IS A RESPECTED NEWS SOURCE!!! HERE, GAY PANDA, YOU FILL THIS GIANT TUB WITH FRESH HIGH FIBER POTATOES AND I’LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT WISCONSIN AND ITS ZOMBIE PENGUIN PROBLEM!!!
REMORSE: I want to hear this, and yet I don’t. We don’t need potatoes, Gay-
DEBAUCHERY: ZOMG, YES WE DO!!! WE READ THAT THREAD ON CARB REFEEDS!!! IT WILL HELP GAY PANDA’S MUSCLES RECOVER BETWEEN BOUTS OF RUNNING FROM ZOMBIE PENGUIN PACKS!!! MILWAUKEE IS GONE!!! GREEN BAY HAS BEEN UNDER SIEGE FOR MONTHS NOW, BUT THE HOTTEST ACTION IS IN MADISON---
GAY PANDA: But the Dells are okay, right? I want to go to Wizard Quest.
REMORSE: Don’t you think you’re a little old for Wizard Quest?
GAY PANDA: Don’t you think I’m a little old to be writing about fairies?
REMORSE: Touché. The potatoes in that corner of the tray don’t look too bad.
DEBAUCHERY: ---AND NO ONE KNEW UNTIL LAST WEEK THAT GOVERNOR WALKER WAS THEIR LEADER!!! HE UNLEASHED THE ZOMBIE PENGUINS DAYS AFTER HIS ELECTION AND BLAMED THE UNIONS!!! BUT THEY WERE ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE VAMPIRE TURTLE ATTACK OF ’08 IN WAUKESHA---
GAY PANDA: The news is so much more exciting through Debauchery’s eyes. Wow, this is a really big container to fill with potatoes.
REMORSE: We need it. I don’t want to take a vacation. Damn Lady Friend! We’re trying to write a book here, and we’re not going to finish in time. This means we’re leaving the young noblewoman stranded between the lusty stable boy and the rich dude for a whole week while we run for our lives from psychotic penguins. What if we don’t make it, Lady Friend? What if we don’t survive this vacation? The book will never be resolved, and that will be on your shoulders all your life. Can you live with the guilt? I couldn’t.
DEBAUCHERY: ---YOU WOULDN’T THINK VAMPIRE TURTLES WOULD BE MUCH OF A THREAT, BUT HO-HO, JUST LOOK AT WAUKESHA NOW!!!
GAY PANDA: Did the vampire turtles sparkle?
DEBAUCHERY: OF COURSE THEY SPARKLED!!! AND ONCE THEY CAUGHT YOU, THEY TALKED ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS UNTIL YOU BEGGED FOR DEATH!!!
RESOLVE: You know what? I quit. Get enough potatoes for me, too.
GAY PANDA: I’m really having second thoughts about this giant tub of potatoes.
RESOLVE: Just fill it, Gay Panda. And then scrape the skin off the chicken curry for gravy.
DEBAUCHERY: THERE’S ONLY ONE WAY TO TAKE DOWN A PACK OF ZOMBIE PENGUINS, SO IF WE GET CORNERED---
REMORSE: Let’s get some chocolate.
GAY PANDA: I don’t think we need chocolate.
RESOLVE: We need chocolate.
DEBAUCHERY: ---TARGET STORES IN WISCONSIN ALWAYS CARRY UNICORN HORNS TO DEAL WITH ZOMBIE PENGUIN ATTACKS, BUT YOU CAN GET THEM FOR CHEAPER AT ANY WOODMAN’S FOOD MARKET IN THE ETHNIC AISLE---
GAY PANDA: This container is going to overflow.
RESOLVE: One more scoop of gravy should fit.
GAY PANDA: No, it just overflowed. Ew!
DEBAUCHERY: ---YOU SEE??? THEY HAVE A HIVE MIND, SO IF YOU CAN FIGURE OUT WHO THE PACK LEADER IS AND STRIKE THAT ONE DOWN, THE OTHERS WILL DIE WITH IT!!! BUT THIS WON’T WORK IN THE FULL MOON OR DURING ECLIPSES, SO SMART WISCONSIN TOURISTS HAVE A STRATEGY IN PLACE TO INCREASE THE ODDS OF SURVIVING THEIR VACATIONS---
At this point, Lady Friend rolled the cart behind me at the hot bar and said, “I can almost see the fairies flying around your head right now.”
Well, ducklings, today I’m going to try to finish this book (and will fail), tomorrow is for over-packing, and on Wednesday I’ll be tempting zombie penguins with the extra flesh stacked upon my sweet panda rump. Wish me well in surviving what sounds like the least relaxing vacation ever, write a rude note to Lady Friend chastising her for forcing me away from my writing, and if you’re bored, go to Pandaloonery and join the haiku contest!
If I live through the penguin attacks, I will be back in a week. If not, farewell to you all, and it has been a pleasure.
Lady Friend- You're taking Panda away from us for a WHOLE WEEK?! I have to survive work without Gay Panda?! I expect to be shipped Wisconson cheese by way of apology. Assuming I live through the week.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
Now I want to pack suitcases with Lady Friend and go for dinner with her in the Himalayas with Lucy Lawless.
Have fun in Wisconsin! I have every confidence in your penguin battling skills.
“If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” --Audre Lorde
I think there are three? I seem to think I saw three on a few magazine covers.
I can't believe I know that. *scrubs brain with bleach*