Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS page 21

[geostump]

Gay Panda WANTS this T-shirt!!! And your husband is fired. Yes, fired.

You wanna fire him for me? Would be a lot easier for me if you did that lol

[Gay Panda]

You wanna fire him for me? Would be a lot easier for me if you did that lol

Dear Mr. Stumpy:

As you know, we are not satisfied with your performance as Life Partner and have warned you of the possibility that we will be forced to terminate your employment should conditions not improve. Due to recent regrettable events in the capacity of Emotional Support, and compounded by an extensive history of the same, we are further convinced that you are not going to be able to show the improvements necessary to be successful in this line of work.

We would like to offer you the option of resigning from your position effective immediately. However, if you do not accept this offer, we will terminate your employment for cause. Please contact Gay Panda before 5pm today to advise of your decision.

Sincerely,
Gay Panda

[Gay Panda]

Gay Panda cannot bear to get rid of the bathroom scale.

Some people can weigh once a week, others once a month, and some throw away their scales entirely. I have not been remotely successful at doing any of these things. It is not for lack of effort, but I have discovered that nothing else keeps me on track than seeing a number that I don’t want to see. Once I don’t have that daily reminder, I start to slip.

So every morning, Bare Gay Panda stands on the scale looking Rubenesque. The number is a douse of ice water over my pudgy panda form, and I recommit myself to not allowing Bread Pusher leeway (or listening to my internal Mr. Magazine Times say, ‘I think- check it, just hear me out, I think that just one waffle won’t hurt!’) or justifying going out to eat any more often when I know that even eating primal at a restaurant sets me back three to five days in water retention. (Gay Panda is a Very Very Sensitive Flower, who can’t eat ANYTHING outside of home without blowing up several pounds.)

Water retention is the bane of my dietary existence, and I have a lot of calming conversations with myself after removing my Rubenesque form from the scale to see the number. A lot of people chuck the scale because the number determines their day, turning them either into the pre-Zoloft blob who wearily shuffles along under The Cloud Of Sadness, or the post-Zoloft blob who bounces after Manic Singing Bluebird. Who wants the emotional tenor of the day determined by the scale? With water fluctuations, it’s going to make you a sad blob more often than a bouncing one.

But if I don’t weigh, I start to slip. So I can’t let myself get into a funk over the number. I record it, as I have since March, and there is a general downward trend. Sometimes it spikes or flattens for quite a while, but eventually it goes down again. I just have to wait it out. I could make a terrible play on words here about ‘weight it out’, but Gay Panda tries not to go for the cheap joke. But just in case you think Gay Panda missed an opportunity to be clever, you should know that Gay Panda did not.

Today I am still retaining from the weekend’s Extended Family Pizza Place dinner, in which I ate as primal as could be swung in a Pizza Place. I had only water. I skipped the pizza and breadsticks and pasta and sandwiches, and had salad and a giant meatball. I am sure the giant meatball had a few lousy breadcrumbs in it, but the only other option on the menu was the Protein Plate. The Protein Plate consists of Pizza Place’s nasty-ass chicken, and Gay Panda has made that mistake before. While a starving person would still eat the nasty-ass chicken, he or she would grimace while doing so.

So, after whittling my Rubenesque panda body down to 190 flat, I have bounced back up again and will be up for probably another day or two. It is water. I will not become a sad blob about it. I will not sabotage. It will go away sooner or later. It is NOT an invitation to lose myself in a bowl of cereal, which I would be hard-pressed to do anyway since I’d have to go to the store first, and Gay Panda is both lazy and avoiding Poo Hurler, who is laughing maniacally on her front lawn as I type.

Should one day I achieve a regular weight, I don’t know if I will weigh daily any longer. Maybe then I will move to once a week, just to make sure that I’m still on track. Maybe after maintaining weekly, I can move to monthly. But for right now, I need that douse of ice water. I don’t want to see 190.4 on my smallish-medium frame. I’ve discovered a way of eating (did you catch that? I could have said weigh-of-eating, but Gay Panda skipped the cheap joke AGAIN) that slowly moves the number down. Of course I would have liked to see 189.8, or 174.2, or 166.0, but that’s not today. And I would rather see 190.4 over 231, so today is still a victory for the Panda Team.

[Gay Panda]

UPDATE: Other cheap joke passed by: weigh/whey.

[Lilyheart]

I too am a daily weigher! I embrace the scale as it empowers me. It is my gentle reminder and a mentor. If the number goes the wrong way a mentor Never says "bad girl!". A mentor would say "why?". And if I were in your panda shoes I would have answered "because I went out and enjoyed myself with friends and family. I did the best I could while still having an awesome time". A mentor would then have a hearty laugh and clap me on the back for I'd done good! That mentor might also however remind me that while it's times like those that make life worth it, the times in between those are for being more serious so that you can afford to have awesome family/friend time.

[girlarchitect]

Gay Panda,

I can manage to weigh only once a week - Monday mornings like religion. It doesn't matter really if I do it daily or weekly ... once I'm off that scale I can happily agree to eating that slice of chocolate cake, bag of potatoes or half a loaf of bread. My weight does not affect my mind's ability to decide 'just this once' to have a treat - even if treats happen at every darn meal.
But the image in the mirror is amazingly motivating. I'm thinking of installing wall to wall mirrors in my bathroom so I can not get away with NOT looking. Not only will I see what success I'm having but also see that I'm not there yet!! (even though sometimes I like to pretend I am)

[Gay Panda]

Gay Panda cannot bear to get rid of the bathroom scale.

There is another cheap joke in 'Gay Panda cannot bear', which you might have thought I refrained from pointing out earlier, but in honesty that was because it was totally unintentional, and I didn't catch it until I was rereading for spelling errors. Gay Panda has to stop being clever now because Primal Coach Kitty has flopped over looking pathetic and needs her bacon. (And so does the Panda.)

[Gay Panda]

Gay Panda,

I can manage to weigh only once a week - Monday mornings like religion. It doesn't matter really if I do it daily or weekly ... once I'm off that scale I can happily agree to eating that slice of chocolate cake, bag of potatoes or half a loaf of bread. My weight does not affect my mind's ability to decide 'just this once' to have a treat - even if treats happen at every darn meal.
But the image in the mirror is amazingly motivating. I'm thinking of installing wall to wall mirrors in my bathroom so I can not get away with NOT looking. Not only will I see what success I'm having but also see that I'm not there yet!! (even though sometimes I like to pretend I am)

I wish the Panda Image in the mirror worked for me like that! But I am horrible at identifying small changes. I went from 217 to 195 and lost almost 10 inches off my hips before the change was big enough for me to notice (and even then, I said, "Lady Friend, is my stomach smaller?" and since she is a much more observant person, she just looked at me like I was an idiot before saying, "Uh, YES!!!")

[Gay Panda]

I embrace the scale as it empowers me. It is my gentle reminder and a mentor. If the number goes the wrong way a mentor Never says "bad girl!". A mentor would say "why?". And if I were in your panda shoes I would have answered "because I went out and enjoyed myself with friends and family. I did the best I could while still having an awesome time". A mentor would then have a hearty laugh and clap me on the back for I'd done good!

Your mentor is a firm believer in positive reinforcement! Mine prefers to kick me in the panda butt, and sounds exactly like my former Olympic coach swim teacher in junior high. She was ninety pounds of gristle and heavy accent, and she inspired motivation by terror. "Do you LIKE vat you see on the scale, Gay Panda? Do you LIKE vat you see? No! But your opinion does not matter, I do not like vat is dere! See dese eyes, Gay Panda? You ONLY see dese eyes! You must APPLY yourself! Chop-chop! Pull! Kick! Report to the kitchen for bacon!"

[Lilyheart]

Ah, but that's not a mentor! You need to fire your Drill Sergeant and get yourself a true mentor (much like Lady Friend)!