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Started PB Aug 9, 2010 then let 'stuff' get in the way
Back to start and make a fantastic 2012
Goal of Significant Weight Loss
15 pounds down! with more to go!
PART THREE: My solution had no more finesse than the Panda Parents’ solutions: I avoided. I know how to do that! They gave over their lives to turmoil rather than find any alternative, living with the same problems year after year and nothing ever finding conclusion. I also existed in inertia. You don’t solve a problem. You don’t even really try. You live with it, and you let it destroy you slowly. That is just what life is. I have never understood people like Lady Friend, who see a bad situation coming in to land and meet it head-on. That is utterly foreign to me. The Panda Clan sees the Plane of Pain making its final descent and lay themselves out on the runway to be squashed.
Gay Panda has been struggling with the cave trolls of depression since cubhood, and feeling trapped is like offering them a gilded invitation to pay a call. Knowing the reason behind a visit from the cave trolls has always been helpful in showing them the door (hunger, family problem, issues with more obvious solutions) but there was nothing to be done for my career. So I beat my head fruitlessly on this barrier, feeling worse and worse and getting nowhere, avoiding Facebook and questions at gatherings about what I did for a living. I was happy for friends who got promotions and commendations, and once home I would curl up in bed and stare at the wall and wonder why I always had to be the one offering congratulations instead of receiving them. Hello, cave trolls.
What changed? Why is my brain (with great difficulty) finally able to grudgingly accept what it could not before? My book will not be traditionally published. That is devastating to me. I really wanted it to be that way, but it will not. So, what comes next? The answer has always been cave trolls, but they haven’t been knocking at my door as regularly or staying as long. I am sad, but I am not getting pulled underwater. Nothing has changed in my life to spur this change, nothing but how I am eating.
Long before I gave up wheat, I had observed that a certain food predictably made my mood nosedive within an hour. I did not stop eating pizza after observing this effect (or explore the problem further to figure out what about pizza was doing this, and if other foods were doing the same more subtly). It was hard to believe that there was much relationship between what I was eating and how I was thinking or feeling, even though I worked with an autistic child taken off gluten and the change in his behavior astonished me. Yes, he was still severely autistic. But his brain, instead of being locked into loops, had some pliability. Part of him woke up once the gluten was gone. He interacted with the world in a way that he could not before.
PART FOUR: Suddenly, there was a boy there. One week, he had been drawing a piece of string in and out of his peripheral vision for hours and releasing a monotonous uuuhhh as he watched the same five seconds of a cartoon on videotape that he kept ejecting and pushing in to make it rewind to that same mark. The next week, in which his diet had changed, he looked me dead in the eye and played footsie, the uuuhhh gone and replaced with a faint smile. This is hardly monumental for a six-year-old, but for him, it was. He could truly see me, where before I was just furniture. He could understand that I would play, and he could play back. This had never existed in his life.
I am also finding the slightest pliability (emphasis on SLIGHT) now in my mind. It allowed me in the last three months to consider and then plan releasing a book online, instead of traveling the same worn mental path to the cave trolls. Yes, this detour still leads onto a path that stretches into darkness, and that is frightening, but isn’t it better than just smacking my head against this barrier in the road? How many years am I going to do that? But my parents lived that way, and I have been as well. It’s familiar. It’s what you do. You prostrate yourself before your problems and let them sit on you. Yet now my mind is ever so slightly clearer, and when I see the Plane of Pain approaching in its final descent, my mind urges me to move off the runway. I still do not have the fire to run charging at a problem head-on like Lady Friend, and the dark road probably has wolves and vampires and swine flu and I will be sorry I ever took the detour. But I will try it.
The mental change is small enough that I still only drive one way home, and even as I’m typing this, a cave troll is yelling don’t publish it online no one takes eBooks seriously only failures resort to this keep waiting for a real publisher what is WRONG with you? But I am tired of listening to this spiel. Yes, some people will consider this failing. But maybe it is failing even more to spend years circling sad faces on feelings charts because one cannot catch the moon with a fishnet. I’ve been banging my head for so long that I almost want to continue just out of unwillingness to leave even an unhappy comfort zone. Yet soft launch is still scheduled for February.
Gay Panda is terrified.
Last edited by Gay Panda; 01-16-2012 at 09:14 AM.
Wow. It didn't? Seventeen year olds with no income could get credit cards? I had had no idea. But after years of watching my parents struggle with them, there was no way in the WORLD I was going to sign up.
Shut up, troll. Do you know how much effing money I've spent on exercise-program ebooks?!?a cave troll is yelling don’t publish it online no one takes eBooks seriously only failures resort to this keep waiting for a real publisher what is WRONG with you?
I can't WAIT to read your book!!
P.S. there is a phenomenon known as Learned Helplessness. In the original experiment (ok, this sounds really mean) they put dogs in a chamber where they would get small electric shocks from the floor. Of course the dogs would immediately hop the barrier to get on the non-electric side. However, if the dogs weren't given an escape, they just gave up. They would lie despondently on the floor and get shocked even more. And to top it all off, when they were given an escape route or tempted with treats, they STILL wouldn't escape. I think this happens to humans more than we realize. Plus, as humans we are also able to justify our inaction in our "logical" brains.The Panda Clan sees the Plane of Pain making its final descent and lay themselves out on the runway to be squashed.
Teachers are beautiful people. <3
Female / 5' 8" / 42 / SW: 166 CW: 159
Journal: Inspired by success story. Working on my own.
My mermish life: ENTER to WIN Real Mermaids Don't Hold Their Breath (until Mar 15)
[/Quote] P.S. there is a phenomenon known as Learned Helplessness. In the original experiment (ok, this sounds really mean) they put dogs in a chamber where they would get small electric shocks from the floor. Of course the dogs would immediately hop the barrier to get on the non-electric side. However, if the dogs weren't given an escape, they just gave up. They would lie despondently on the floor and get shocked even more. And to top it all off, when they were given an escape route or tempted with treats, they STILL wouldn't escape. I think this happens to humans more than we realize. Plus, as humans we are also able to justify our inaction in our "logical" brains.[/QUOTE]
I think this is a big reason why depression is so hard to treat. Particularly if you've had it for a long time. I mean, when you know that nothing can fix it, then what's the point of trying . . . one . . . more . . . time. Even if this time really will fix it.
*Happy Dance for the Panda Book!* You know- once everyone on MDA purchases a copy of the self-published book, it might be enough proof that the genre exists/has a place for the publishing houses to make you an offer. Of course- that would be the time to turn up your nose at their inability to see your brilliance the first time if was offered Hey, mind if I tiptoe in your wake down the possibility of self-publishing? I have a legit reason for not having looked into it- I haven't finished my book yet- but it's looking like that'll be the logical way for me to go. I'll even promise to sweep away the swine flu, scare off the wolves, and woo the vampires to keep you safe