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Thread: Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS page 121

  1. #1201
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    Yes, there is a brief update on Primal Coach Kitty -

    SHE TURNED LEFT!!! Just once, but she was only circling to the right before that. The vet is storming her with antibiotics and she seems to be feeling a little better. Benign Poltergeist apparently accompanied us to the vet and stayed there with Primal Coach Kitty because she is bitching incessantly in her cage.

    Other than that, we still have no idea what is wrong.

  2. #1202
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    A little progress is progress nonetheless. Still keeping all fingies and tootsies crossed for Kitty.
    I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

    Oscar Wilde

  3. #1203
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    PART ONE: The soundtrack of my cubhood was of the Panda Parents arguing.

    Before I celebrated a double-digit birthday, I was praying that they would just go ahead and get a divorce already. On the drive to school one day, Mother Panda consulted a seven-year-old Young Gay Panda and one of the Perpetually Sticky Panda Siblings about which parent we would choose to live with were they to split. Thinking that Father Panda yelled less when my school sent notes home chastising me for forgetting my gym clothes, Young Gay Panda instantly said, “Daddy.”

    “Then I guess we have to stay together,” Mother Panda said grimly, and thus I was at fault for the continuation of their faltering marriage. There was nothing that they did not argue about incessantly and acrimoniously and without resolve, until the spiteful back-and-forth blurred together in my memory to static. Money was the biggest flash point. One Panda Parent ran a business and wanted the other parent to do the client billing to save on the cost of hiring it out. But the other Panda Parent was a procrastinator extraordinaire, and so this monthly task never got done. Tens of thousands of dollars were lost this way over my cubhood and the fights about doing the billing were exactly the same, over and over and over again.

    It went on for so long that an eleven-year-old Gay Panda announced that I would do the billing, just as soon as I finished my typing elective I had chosen for precisely that reason. I threw myself into the class, studiously looking away from the chart on the wall so that my fingers would learn to recognize the letters hidden under the blacked-out keys of my typewriter, and clack-clacked my way to proficiency. Young Gay Panda was a good student, punctual and diligent, and getting the bills done would be handled just like any other school assignment. I knew that I could not stop the fighting altogether, but on this one front, Young Gay Panda could bring it to a close.

    Just before I finished my elective, the Panda Parents moved the billing from handwritten logs and typewriters to a computer program. I demanded to be taught how to run it but was rebuffed; they barely knew how to do it themselves. And so the fighting went on just like before, one parent refusing to do the billing and the other parent refusing to hire it out, and the ensuing battles regularly stormed our home until I wanted to scream*. Around and around they went, accusations and recriminations and slammed doors and banged pots on the stove and then the dreaded Silence.

    If it wasn’t the billing causing the blow-out, it was the credit card debt, and I was given the daily chore by one Panda Parent of getting to the mail first for the express purpose of hiding any credit card offers before the other Panda Parent could get hold of them and sink us further into the hole**. We moved from house to house ever in quest of lower rent, here eight months, there two years, here one year, there six months, on and on from the Midwest to the West Coast. It is indeed possible to be the cub of two college-educated white-collar professionals with steady jobs and also live in a state of perilous financial instability. My attempt to build a college fund*** for myself was lost at age eleven when they decided to buy a house and needed more money for the down payment because one parent had messed up on the percent that they could pay, writing down 11% instead of 5%.

    They fought about incidents that had happened twenty years before when they were teenagers dating. They fought about how Father Panda bought Mother Panda a yellow camera case when she didn’t like the color yellow. They fought about their fading attraction for one another, one accusing the other of being gay. Yes, gay! Admit it! And they fought about the cubs. Neither of them found enjoyment in being parents yet continued to have cubs, and Gay Panda was the product of an unplanned (and deeply unwanted on one side) pregnancy. We were the arrows lobbed back and forth from their bows.

    On it went, from the day I was carried home as an infant until the day I fled it as a young adult. He’s fat and it’s your fault! Well, you’re making them into your foot soldiers! He doesn’t love you! Well, she’s afraid of you! We’re happy until you come home! Mother Panda enjoyed psychoanalyzing my first writings, and when I was nine, confronted Father Panda about how one of my stories had a missing father. This meant that I was not connected to him, that we were emotionally estranged, and how sad that was. The conversation degenerated from there****. Nothing was resolved, because that was not the point of their arguments, and as a fun fact, the sci-fi eBook I’ll be releasing next month also has missing fathers, as well as a psychopathic mother. Have at it, Mother Panda.
    Last edited by Gay Panda; 01-15-2012 at 12:08 PM.

  4. #1204
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    UPDATE: (in explanation of *, **, ***, and ****)

    * Once I did. I was eight years old and trapped in the backseat of the family car in the parking lot at Target as they argued and argued and argued and argued and finally at the half hour mark I huffed loudly, rolled my eyes, and screamed, “STOP ARGUING, YOU SOUND LIKE CHILDREN!” It stopped the argument briefly so that they could yell at me, and then the arguing resumed.

    ** And this is why Gay Panda has never had a credit card, having a near phobia of them.

    *** My bankbook read $147.19, and I was enormously proud of this amount and enthralled at how interest accrued. It was wealth to me at age eleven, a treasure hoard under my name, and college couldn’t be much more costly than $147.19, could it? My parents didn’t pay it back, even after I reminded them when I was twelve that they were past due.

    **** It was not relevant to Mother Panda that I had other stories with very nice fathers, as well as an entire series about a swashbuckling cat named Moonlight who robbed banks to afford a won-ton soup addiction. Moonlight had no mother or father, but a criminal record and a black pirate ship with tattered flags. When he was defied the walls ran red with blood, and my second grade teacher was a little concerned.

    Part Two will be posted tomorrow, as Gay Panda is going to be a Bare Gay Panda next week if the Laundry Mountain is not climbed today.

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    *hugs Young Gay Panda*

  6. #1206
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    Quote Originally Posted by thepigisatastyanimal View Post
    *hugs Young Gay Panda*
    Thank you, thepigisatastyanimal. On the bright side, I can now type 86 words a minute with one correction.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gay Panda View Post
    Thank you, thepigisatastyanimal. On the bright side, I can now type 86 words a minute with one correction.
    Which comes in handy now that you are a soon-to-be (wildly successful) e-book author. Karma, baby.

    PS Good luck!

  8. #1208
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    many similarities inmy childhood. I swear we needed a spare room for my step mother to store her masks! Cuz what the neighbors saw was not what the school saw, which was not what my dad saw when we were home, which was entirely not what we saw when he was not home!

    Can't wait to read tomorrow, don't care if payroll has a deadline in the morning, I shall be waiting for your post!'
    And credit cards are evil!
    Redflame
    Started PB Aug 9, 2010 then let 'stuff' get in the way
    Back to start and make a fantastic 2012
    Goal of Significant Weight Loss
    15 pounds down! with more to go!

  9. #1209
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    Too many painful little parallels with my own childhood for me to make a clearheaded or consoling reply ...

    :::just gently squeezes Panda paw in Sigi paw:::
    I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

    Oscar Wilde

  10. #1210
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    PART TWO: In most ways, Young Gay Panda grew up into a very different adult than the Panda Parents. Much more placid-tempered, I do not live a life of drama, having had quite enough long ago. The Panda Parents were disconcerted that I would not argue back, as this took the wind out of their sails. But why should I? It wasn’t going to go anywhere, and so engaging was fruitless. It is a good skill to have, knowing when one’s opponent is someone energized by argument and discord. Approaching from that angle shows you the futility of trying. You’ll get upset and they’ll come alive.

    But in some ways, I am similar to the Panda Parents. There was no resolution to their fights and there could not be, because the issues were not truly a yellow camera case or Young Gay Panda’s creative fancies. We lived over the fault line of a failing marriage, and their endless arguments were simply the quakes caused by the tectonic plates shifting far below. The quaking distracted from the issue they wanted to avoid: untangling the strings of a very broken marriage and striking out into an unknown world solo. It was easier to stay and scream and slam doors and bang pots, following a script already written, than to face a blank page.

    And that is Gay Panda in a nutshell, who has no qualms about a blank page in writing, but many about deviating from scripts otherwise. I avoid the unknown with fervor. It scares me to do something new, and so I just won’t. It’s easier to continue on with whatever I’m doing, even when it’s not working and I’m very frustrated about it. I’ve known for years that the chances of having this particular book traditionally published were slim to none, because it is science fiction (market crashed) and 142,000 words (too long) and by an unknown author (Gay Pandashian). I sent it out and got a rejection, sent it out again and got a rejection, sent it out and out and out until I gave up. Agents and publishing houses have always liked my work, but they don’t know what to do with it. They have a bottom line to worry about, and a book that will be expensive to produce and has no established audience either for the author or the genre is not what they can risk a tight budget upon.

    So then what? While learning the craft, a lot of writers compose books in which one can see the raw talent, but the skill is not yet honed to make it shine. Gay Panda has several of those books, which will forever remain locked in my computer because they suck. After a stream of duds as I learned the ins and outs of structuring a book, everything came together in this one. To finally nail it after missing the mark for years made me indescribably proud. I wanted to scream from my roof and travel back in time to those Younger Gay Pandas frustrated with duds and yell keep bloody trying because it gets better!

    But now it was done, and destined to go nowhere. It cannot be edited for size, not without destroying the plot. I cannot rejuvenate a market. Gay Pandashian has no connections, and is unwilling to release a sex tape in order to become famous. So I had nowhere to go. That depressed me, and I was full of angst and questioning existence and despairing of how my school compatriots were soaring away while my career was stuck in idle. That is why I do not have a Facebook page. I did not want them to find me, running as furiously as they, but still in the same place. What have I done since graduation? Well, I wrote a book that will never be published and got fat. How are you? I would not consider publishing online, having always been told that it is not respectable, and so I stalled before an insurmountable barrier along the road. Can’t go forward, can’t go back, and my one-track brain would not consider a poor detour around to a path that led into darkness.
    Last edited by Gay Panda; 01-16-2012 at 07:55 AM.

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