Today's day 41.
Psychologist at clinic was like 'keep up the good work!' on thursday. But... you know? It's not me who's doing anything. It's the meds. Period. If the drugs cut out on me, I'll be right back where I was. I was watching people make long term sobriety plans on Celebrity Rehab last night. Good idea. If all the aminos and drugs stop working, I figure I'll...
1)hopefully have a lot of warning because I've stayed vigilant about my chemistry and mood status, and what's going on with my diet.
2)Probably start VLC until I can kick some doctor's door down and start yelling for help nownownow.
3)Try to stay the hell out of the house all day. I find it a lot easier to just eat hardboiled eggs, burger patties, etc when I'm on the go somewhere.
I know from the past I can just whiteknuckle for 30 days.. but no longer. Then I hit yet another biochemical wall. I suspect the receptors downregulate then... but either way, that's relapse time. Not since I got the better living through chemistry going, though.
I also figure that I've constructed the chemical perpetual motion maching that feeds in aminos on one end, then burns them with the wellbutrin, tradozone and just trying to think and live and do stuff on the other. It's holding for now. Cross-fingers.
Something's up with the diet patterns. I figured my general energy-lack was glycogen stuff. Is it shifting by itself? I'm not sleeping very well (5hrs, three nights running now.) But yet I have the energy for a morning walk, climbing stuff, berry picking. This is pretty light exercise, though the terrain around here is hills + more hills + steep hills. My parent's house is basically on the top of a mountain, and I've got to go down and into the valleys to get the berries, then up rocky clifffaces to get more. I love dawn and early morning though.
Dietary data for yesterday:
1471kcal (which is a bit too low, given that I'm not really trying to lose right now AND I'm doing some exercise.)
93g/92g/55g and 30%/30%/40%
...which is getting closer to a modified Zone, though the higher fat is still pretty paleo.
I'm a bit low for protein, but I only count the dense protein, not the incidental stuff in veggies.
Carbs still in the safe area on PB's carb curve.
That's definitely lots of fat, and I got both saturated and marine fats in yesterday.
Not really that hungry, though.
I still need to get the carb refeed/carb-up/speed experiment going pretty damn soon. But... it's like no one is doing anything right now, the entire world is on vacation.
I've sort of set a soft deadline of Sept 1st to start that experiment and get on with stuff. I know from experience that my lack of energy/motivation/typical type-a-ness is chemical, not behavioural. Axiom: only chemicals fix (my) chemical problems, not willpower or NLP or even a diet plan.
The fact that my ED continues to be dead with a stake in it's heart, my depression continues to be gone, and my anhedonia is going tells me that this isn't low serotonin/catecholamines or low endorphin. The lack of hunger tells me that it's not insufficient food or nutrients. So it's got to be either insufficient carbs to cover my glycogen stores, which are probably pretty drained now, or my ADD ass needs the speed. ("no need for speed, I'm anti-d-r-u-g-g-i-e,"... ever randomly remember lyrics and can't remember which song? Lol, I think it was actually Marky Mark, but don't quote me. Possibly in the Calvin Klien undies phase.)
I do have to get on with it, but I think I might just finish off the current groceries and then tweak my diet a bit. I've got a whack of blackberries in the freezer, so I'm going to save some $ on fruit carbs for a while.
My class privileged ass can afford to not work right now, though I miss working. There was this book I saw somewhere, 'Food is The Nice Girl's Drug'. YES. Hell yes x 10000. Count my blessings, I guess.
Gotta get showered, dressed and out there to pick berries now. Aug 29th, 30th and 31st may be status quo days. Sept 1st (thurs I think), stuff's gotta get moving again.