Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 20

Thread: The bitch is back! Primal journal, round 3. page

  1. #1
    CandylandCanary's Avatar
    CandylandCanary is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    Vancouver, BC, Canada
    Posts
    275

    The bitch is back! Primal journal, round 3.

    Primal Fuel
    I should probably dig up my two old journal threads and kill them, but eh. Lazy. I'll do it later.

    I need a journal to keep my head straight about what I'm trying to do with this WOE and lifestyle modification in general.

    I don't want to go through my whole life story here yet again, so here's the highlights:

    -Both sides of the family are chubby and sedentary, but only a few are truly obese.

    -My family eats the SAD. I'm a weirdo with the weird diet. Whatever, haters gotta hate.
    -Depression, diabetes, cancer scattered here and there. I seem to get the more severe forms of all of the above. Except the cancer. Knock on wood.

    -I like the drugs and the drugs like me. Except I don't drink, never tried pot, turned down various multicolored pills until people stopped asking, and I'm straightedge.

    -except for caffeine.

    -normal if very moody kid even with the SAD in full effect, didn't get chubby until I hit puberty, self-medicated underlying mood disorders caused (likely) by SAD with the SAD. As modeled by my immediate family. Never got into alcohol like everyone else, sugar is my booze. Routinely the only sober person at the table. (I remember EVERYTHING.) Dabbled with anorexia when I decided I didn't want to be fat anymore and it was 1996 and no one seemed to have a clue about nutrition other than Atkins. Not that Atkins was much better. Anorexia evolved into bulimarexia. (Anorexlima?) Got into Zone, then Julia Ross, then Tom Venuto's programs to treat weight issues and now-evident serious brain chemical issues. Finally got hauled by the scruff of my neck to a shrink. Shrink diagnosed depression, dysthymia (double depression! lucky me) and adult ADD.

    -I actually like these shrink drugs and the shrink drugs like me.

    -Wellbutrin zapped my ED and my depression. Trazodone does something less obvious, but it's something good. I am now indifferent to sugar and grains. Brain chemistry is a bitch. Amino acids + meds are actually pretty wicked. I'm now a walking pharmacy and I don't care, la la~. Shrink sez that someone who has had chemical issues since early childhood is now so neurologically set in these patterns that they must stay on drugs for life.

    -Whatever, I never met a drug I didn't like. Also: universal health care and the government pays for all the shrink meds. Even if I had to pay for it all myself, it's still cheaper than trying to medicate with crap carbs.

    -Hesitant to go on adderall (it's speed, okay?) But will if I have to.

    -ED continues to be in cessation. I continue to maintain my goal weight. I eat 100g of carbs daily, exclusively from vegetables. I like my diet. Vegans continue to lecture me about the carbon footprint of eating animals, but I can't live on tofu, okay? Various doctors think I'm going to die of saturated fat poisoning and grain deficiency (lol!) I can clearly discern between actual physical hunger and sinking brain chemistry now, so I eat moderately with ease. I take pills.

    -Got into primal, ironically, while in the absolute nadir of my ED. I stumbled on the site when Jezebel.com went after Mark for suggesting(!!!) that it's not perfectly healthy to be fat(!!!!) Like, omg. Perish the thought. Quietly read the site instead of feign outrage to keep the fat acceptance crowd off my back. Decided that Mark had some good ideas. Never much liked grains anyway, and knew that sugar was shite for me. Bought the book. Liked it. Now I dabble significantly in Primal, mix in other stuff. I have no interest in dietary purity, I'm a cafeteria Catholic through and through. (Except for the being agnostic part.)

    But:

    I lost the ability to work out at all beyond walking about... four weeks ago? I think I've depleted my liver glycogen finally. I'm a little more spacey now, so I think I may be bleeding through to CNS glycogen issues. Ketones are allegedly able to cover this... in most people. I struggled to haul the groceries across town the other day, and that used to be no sweat. General weakness. I may need more carbs. I find grains and potatos and squash too heavy (and dull as fuck), so I'll try fruit.

    Gonna give the carb cycling a whirl before I go on the speed. Its possible I just need more carbs, not more drugs. Shrink is on board with this. This is Vancouver, she's probably just relieved that I'm not a vegan like 90% of her patients.

    But right now, I'm on day 40(!) since my ED went poof like it was nuked from orbit. I'm really enjoying not being depressed for once, I swear to god I've been depressed for 20-odd years and I just never noticed because I never felt good or happy or energetic EVER. I should do that carb cycling thing soon, shrink wants to see the effects and figure out if it's speed time for me, or not.

    But I just don't feeeeeel like it. Yet. I think I'll stay with the vegetables for a few days. I've got to get on with it, but eh. I'm with St. Augustine right now. Make me good... but not yet! lol.

    Current primal diet shakes out to be about:

    29%-28%-43% protein/carb/fat.
    About 1500-1600kcal, which is fine while I'm not doing much other than some light walking. But when I start running again, I'll have to kick it up to about 1800kcal, probably.
    Generally either not hungry or only mildly hungry.
    No starchy veg or grains, don't feel like it.
    No fruit, just kinda got out of the habit.
    Ditto for dairy.
    Coffee!
    Stevia. If it's wrong, I don't want to be right.
    Cocoa, unsweetened. Gimmie my chocolate and no one gets hurt.
    Mostly saturated fat from eggs, pork, beef. Some omega 3s from fish, olive oil.
    Thank god for summer and produce being in season.

    I picked about five million wild blackberries today. I can see why Grok sent his kid to do this, those blackberry bushes are lethal with the thorns.
    Last edited by CandylandCanary; 08-28-2011 at 05:33 PM.
    Getting my Grok on in the Pacific Northwest.

    "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me."
    "Cookie is a sometimes food."
    "Sometimes cookie monster eat APPLE instead of COOKIE. Sometimes eat CARROT."
    -Cookie Monster, partially reformed sugarholic

    "

  2. #2
    CandylandCanary's Avatar
    CandylandCanary is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    Vancouver, BC, Canada
    Posts
    275
    Today's day 41.

    Psychologist at clinic was like 'keep up the good work!' on thursday. But... you know? It's not me who's doing anything. It's the meds. Period. If the drugs cut out on me, I'll be right back where I was. I was watching people make long term sobriety plans on Celebrity Rehab last night. Good idea. If all the aminos and drugs stop working, I figure I'll...
    1)hopefully have a lot of warning because I've stayed vigilant about my chemistry and mood status, and what's going on with my diet.
    2)Probably start VLC until I can kick some doctor's door down and start yelling for help nownownow.
    3)Try to stay the hell out of the house all day. I find it a lot easier to just eat hardboiled eggs, burger patties, etc when I'm on the go somewhere.

    I know from the past I can just whiteknuckle for 30 days.. but no longer. Then I hit yet another biochemical wall. I suspect the receptors downregulate then... but either way, that's relapse time. Not since I got the better living through chemistry going, though.

    I also figure that I've constructed the chemical perpetual motion maching that feeds in aminos on one end, then burns them with the wellbutrin, tradozone and just trying to think and live and do stuff on the other. It's holding for now. Cross-fingers.

    Something's up with the diet patterns. I figured my general energy-lack was glycogen stuff. Is it shifting by itself? I'm not sleeping very well (5hrs, three nights running now.) But yet I have the energy for a morning walk, climbing stuff, berry picking. This is pretty light exercise, though the terrain around here is hills + more hills + steep hills. My parent's house is basically on the top of a mountain, and I've got to go down and into the valleys to get the berries, then up rocky clifffaces to get more. I love dawn and early morning though.

    Dietary data for yesterday:
    1471kcal (which is a bit too low, given that I'm not really trying to lose right now AND I'm doing some exercise.)
    Protein/Carb/Fat
    93g/92g/55g and 30%/30%/40%
    ...which is getting closer to a modified Zone, though the higher fat is still pretty paleo.
    I'm a bit low for protein, but I only count the dense protein, not the incidental stuff in veggies.
    Carbs still in the safe area on PB's carb curve.
    That's definitely lots of fat, and I got both saturated and marine fats in yesterday.

    Not really that hungry, though.

    I still need to get the carb refeed/carb-up/speed experiment going pretty damn soon. But... it's like no one is doing anything right now, the entire world is on vacation.

    I've sort of set a soft deadline of Sept 1st to start that experiment and get on with stuff. I know from experience that my lack of energy/motivation/typical type-a-ness is chemical, not behavioural. Axiom: only chemicals fix (my) chemical problems, not willpower or NLP or even a diet plan.

    The fact that my ED continues to be dead with a stake in it's heart, my depression continues to be gone, and my anhedonia is going tells me that this isn't low serotonin/catecholamines or low endorphin. The lack of hunger tells me that it's not insufficient food or nutrients. So it's got to be either insufficient carbs to cover my glycogen stores, which are probably pretty drained now, or my ADD ass needs the speed. ("no need for speed, I'm anti-d-r-u-g-g-i-e,"... ever randomly remember lyrics and can't remember which song? Lol, I think it was actually Marky Mark, but don't quote me. Possibly in the Calvin Klien undies phase.)

    I do have to get on with it, but I think I might just finish off the current groceries and then tweak my diet a bit. I've got a whack of blackberries in the freezer, so I'm going to save some $ on fruit carbs for a while.

    My class privileged ass can afford to not work right now, though I miss working. There was this book I saw somewhere, 'Food is The Nice Girl's Drug'. YES. Hell yes x 10000. Count my blessings, I guess.

    Gotta get showered, dressed and out there to pick berries now. Aug 29th, 30th and 31st may be status quo days. Sept 1st (thurs I think), stuff's gotta get moving again.
    Getting my Grok on in the Pacific Northwest.

    "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me."
    "Cookie is a sometimes food."
    "Sometimes cookie monster eat APPLE instead of COOKIE. Sometimes eat CARROT."
    -Cookie Monster, partially reformed sugarholic

    "

  3. #3
    CandylandCanary's Avatar
    CandylandCanary is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    Vancouver, BC, Canada
    Posts
    275
    Okay, body. WTF.

    I had 5hrs of sleep. Max. Bad!
    I didn't eat enough calories yesterday. Also bad!
    I've been up since 5am and it's now noon and I'm not hungry and I haven't eaten anything, I'm still nursing the first cup of coffee and I had all kinds of energy when I went berry picking this morning.

    .....huh?

    There's no way I'm in ketosis or ketoadapted. I eat too many carbs for that, and I'm not really looking to get into ketosis anyway. I aim to be in Mark's 100-150g effortless maintenance zone. But... this makes no sense.

    I am now suspicious of mild cyclothymia being afoot. Today's a Buy Nothing Day now. I do know that it was SUGAR that pushed me into cyclothymia (which is a milder version of manic depression), and even then only very mildly. I never, thank god, actually ended up bipolar. And even now, having tossed the sugar and ED out, the mild cyclothymia's basically evaporated.

    But I dunno. This is weird.

    Plans for the day only include sitting on deck, reading books, drawing, watching Bourne movie marathon on tv, Intervention tonight, not going to that fall fair market thing, due to the Buy Nothing. I think I'm going to skip the local Stitch N' Bitch too. I may be one moody gal today and not really know it until I've, you know, opened my big mouth and said something. Yeaaaaah, I think I'll stay home and watch Intervention and eff around with my airbrush instead.
    Last edited by CandylandCanary; 08-29-2011 at 03:05 PM.
    Getting my Grok on in the Pacific Northwest.

    "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me."
    "Cookie is a sometimes food."
    "Sometimes cookie monster eat APPLE instead of COOKIE. Sometimes eat CARROT."
    -Cookie Monster, partially reformed sugarholic

    "

  4. #4
    Knifegill's Avatar
    Knifegill is online now Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Washington state
    Posts
    6,871
    Your story sounds a little like mine. Except I dropped the meds at 25 and never looked back. Am I a little bonkers? Sure. But I'm not ME when I take ritalin, adderall, welbutrin, celexa or any other pill. I'm nice, calm and collected, but it's like somebody has a boot on my brain and I'm not allowed to move, like I have to feel bad for being me. So instead I lift weights, sprint or *gasp* go for a run now and then to make sure I get the ants out of my pants, and found a job where I have to walk around all day. I think of it as a prescription that I give out instead of taking in. If I stay physically exhausted, my mind can focus. Of course, it took a year of detoxing from the meds before I felt like my old, pleasantly insane self. Now I'm going to to play my guitar and sing too loud for an hour and a half. Also part of my new prescription.


    Turquoisepassion:
    Knifegill is christened to be high carb now!
    notontherug:
    the buttstuff...never interested.
    He gives me Lamprey Kisses in the midnight sea
    Flubby tubby gums latching onto me
    For all that I've done wrong, I mastodon something right...

    My pony picture thread http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread82786.html

  5. #5
    CandylandCanary's Avatar
    CandylandCanary is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    Vancouver, BC, Canada
    Posts
    275
    Hey there.

    I've been hearing about a lot of people dropping the meds through primal. It's intriguing, but I think my butt may be a pharmacy for life. Your story really reminds me of the hunter/farmer theory of ADHD, though. Everything would be okay if society just hunted still. I'd love to get a job where I run around all the time. BUT! I'm stuck with what I'm good at- sit-on-ass activities like illustration and art. And meds, I guess.

    Now I'm going to to play my guitar and sing too loud for an hour and a half. Also part of my new prescription.
    Rock on.
    Getting my Grok on in the Pacific Northwest.

    "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me."
    "Cookie is a sometimes food."
    "Sometimes cookie monster eat APPLE instead of COOKIE. Sometimes eat CARROT."
    -Cookie Monster, partially reformed sugarholic

    "

  6. #6
    CandylandCanary's Avatar
    CandylandCanary is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    Vancouver, BC, Canada
    Posts
    275
    So, I need to vent.

    THERE IS A FUCKING DEER IN MY MOM'S GARDEN.

    OMFG HOW DID THIS GODDAMN DEER GET OVER THE EFFING 10 FOOT FENCE!

    That fucking deer isn't even afraid of me, I ran at it and yelled and waved my arms and it kind of sauntered out and it fucking ate our tomatos and deer don't even like tomatos but now we don't get any tomatos because it ATE the damn plants down to the stems and akajdfkajfkdfj fuck, I can't figure out how this deer got in?

    And now it's going to come back because it knows there's lots of tasty stuff that's really easy to score and obviously the fence can be jumped and it doesn't give a shit if an angry Irish woman (two, even), cusses it out and chases it and ajkfjkajfkajfdf I wonder what the fine is for killing a damn deer and also if I could bribe the cops and also if I could borrow their gun because I'm a fucking Canadian and I don't have a gun.

    ....

    I need to listen to Trent Reznor, brb.

    And eat a steak, possibly.
    Getting my Grok on in the Pacific Northwest.

    "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me."
    "Cookie is a sometimes food."
    "Sometimes cookie monster eat APPLE instead of COOKIE. Sometimes eat CARROT."
    -Cookie Monster, partially reformed sugarholic

    "

  7. #7
    Blackcatbone's Avatar
    Blackcatbone is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Nashville
    Posts
    2,192
    Rant on sister! Fellow ADHDer here. A lot of what you've written resonates with me. Except the straight edge part. I was offered drugs and said "yes, please." (I was always a very polite dope-fiend) That was years ago, I've been clean for a long time (I still have the occasional glass of wine or cocktail), thanks to psychiatric intervention and also being class privileged my own self. (Thanks Mom and Dad!) I was DX'd with ADHD at age 41 after years of self medicating with everything I could get my hands on, then stopping the drugs and using food, then I tried SSRIs, which I have to admit I needed at the time. Looking around at the carnage of my life, seeing better people than me dropping like flies, realizing you're a humongo fuck-up, can do that to you.

    Coasted by on anti-Ds for years but finally admitted to myself it was more than that. Stopped the meds with the plan of presenting my unadulterated self to a shrink that could tell me exactly what my problem was. By that point I was a walking powder keg, ready to punch a hole in anyone who dared breathe sideways. I was sure it was gonna be bi-polar, ADHD never even crossed my mind, stupidly, as it runs rampant through my family. But hey, I'm a chick. And I could outsleep Rip van Winkle. Imagine my surprise. Tried Ritalin, didn't do a damned thing for me. Then I tried Dexedrine. Holy Shit! This is what I'd been looking for all my life! Except for all the mountains of coke I'd done I never got this out of it. It always played more of a supporting role, speed-balls, allowing me to drink till 6 AM, that kind of thing.

    Around the same time I realized that I was terribly gluten intolerant, was DX'd with that as well. With a combination of proper diet and proper medication, I was living in The Netherlands at the time where they tend to be kind of old school about meds, my brain fog cleared like I've never experienced. This allowed me to actually do something about my life, which I found to be pretty unsatisfactory at the time. It got me off my ass, got me to make changes, got me to start exercising, lost weight, was motivated to eat properly, etc, etc . . . . It wasn't because it was speed though. It was because life no longer exhausted me, which meds help with by turning down the background noise.

    All of that was a roundabout way of saying that the sluggishness, the lack of motivation, the flatness, can very much be attributed to ADHD. I was a fucking mess for most of my life. Not that I'm a picture of pulled-togetherness now, but for me it's good. I take a low, therapeutic dose of dextroamphetamine, 15mg spread out over three doses. I can still get kinda squirrelly if I have too much coffee on top of it and when the meds are wearing off and I don't have something to occupy myself with. But this is the healthiest I've ever felt. When I moved back to the states my new shrink put me on Adderall, which made me a paranoid, weepy, verging on suicidal nut case. Brain chemistry is a funny thing. (Adderall works on the receptors of both norepinephrine and dopamine, whereas dexedrine works on dopamine. Adderall is L+D-amphetamine) Sometimes I think I might be able to go med-free. Perhaps I will at some point. I'm certainly not one to push meds on anyone, and the lowest possible dose that works is always best, IMO. But as someone who's done both illicit and pharmaceutical drugs, there really is a difference. It's funny, but as someone who has a drug history I'm supposed to be "high-risk", but I'm so uninterested in abusing them. I tell my shrink, "Uh, not my drug of choice." So if you're pondering them and are worried about the drug aspect of them, don't. Addiction is psychological, dependence is physical and there's a vast distance between the two.

  8. #8
    namelesswonder's Avatar
    namelesswonder is online now Moderator
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    MA, USA
    Posts
    11,939
    ^That's why my boyfriend doesn't tell his doctors about his past sex life or drug use. The high-risk factor would have only been an issue 6+ years ago (and yeah, we're only 23). Fortunately he's clean in all the ways that count because he was very safe at the time with sex & drugs.

    I've been playing the game of "Can I work without meds?" for a few years now. So far, I really don't know.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  9. #9
    Blackcatbone's Avatar
    Blackcatbone is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Nashville
    Posts
    2,192
    Quote Originally Posted by namelesswonder View Post
    ^That's why my boyfriend doesn't tell his doctors about his past sex life or drug use. The high-risk factor would have only been an issue 6+ years ago (and yeah, we're only 23). Fortunately he's clean in all the ways that count because he was very safe at the time with sex & drugs.

    I've been playing the game of "Can I work without meds?" for a few years now. So far, I really don't know.
    A good doctor will be able to assess who truly is at risk and who isn't. Unfortunately, there are a lot of not so good doctors out there and if you go looking for the one that is more likely to work with you with meds it looks like you're drug seeking. In my case I've been off drugs for over 15 years and rarely even drink. On top of the drug history I also have a history of being able to take drugs and not have a problem with them. I took oxycontin for a year until I had back surgery and stopped taking it when no longer needed without a hiccup. I do think it's important to tell your doctor about past issues when relevant, (but I also totally understand not doing so) as it can help establish a diagnosis and work through why you had those issues. I think the attitude of "once an addict always an addict" is bullshit in many cases, as a whole lot of addicts are self-medicating. "High-risk" is the lazy way out.

  10. #10
    Sassy's Avatar
    Sassy is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Location
    Twin Ports, Minnesota/Wisconsin
    Posts
    328
    Quote Originally Posted by CandylandCanary View Post
    So, I need to vent.

    THERE IS A FUCKING DEER IN MY MOM'S GARDEN.
    Eat it!!
    Sassy: Revised - my primal log

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •