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  1. #1
    888erkan888's Avatar
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    Trying to break bulimia-cycle- Need advice!

    Primal Fuel
    Hi everyone. I know theres plenty of threads like this and Ive read most of them, but I wanted a personal reply.

    A long time ago I got pulled into this viscious cycle, and as its getting worse I am getting desperate to break it once and for all. I hate food, overeats atleast once every week, then starve myself or throw up. It controls my life and I only obsess about food all days.

    Im in therapy and it feels great. I got a book about this problem and its kinda old, and inside of it I read that one reason for carb-binges is not only hunger, but it said that if youre eating lowcarb as a weightloss-diet between the binges you are likely to feel a strong need to eat carbs.

    Whats your opinion on this?

    I try to eat good primal style meals when Im happy and take care of myself, always I realised I always end up giving into temptation of eating less and less. But even when I ate well I still binged and then purged. I feel low in motivation and I feel I hate all food. Eating is not fun anymore, not even when Im eating well and feel good. I cant eat in public, nothing taste good and I wished I could live my life without thinking of food ever again so I could stop the obsession. Kinda silly right?

    BUT.... I am not ready to quit. I used to love to run in my Vibrams, used to be proud of my love for veggies, I used to enjoy cooking... The "primal" lifestyle is something Ill never give up on.

    I honestly think that I might stop obsessing about food if I simply eat good food in a more...simple way. That means for me to eat it mostly raw, in a less fancy way. Its so easy to swallow 3 raw eggs quickly and it feels like I never thought of this as eating food. Eating food that dont taste anything and feeling that I only eat for my health is an approach I think will help me. I recently read an article that inspired me about Fredrik Colting (Tri-athlete Jonas Coltings brother) who only eats primal raw foods.

    Im 21 btw... and I want to stop obsessing now! It hurts my self-esteem and Im tired of cutting my arms. I am an adult now!

    Anyone got tips with an approach for eating etc?? You could Pm, as we dont need another thread of this kind.

    Bye, and take care!

  2. #2
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    CandylandCanary is offline Senior Member
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    I could PM, but if it's all on a thread, other people can google and find the suggestions here in the future.

    I was anorexic and bulimic for 15 years. I'm 31 now and I just managed to escape from it a month ago. You're 21 now, you're still young. If you can kick this stuff now, that'll be awesome. Most of the people I saw at the ED clinic were 30-40ish and had been ED-sufferers for 20-30 years!

    This stuff does NOT go away on it's own and it will NOT let you go just by 'trying harder', 'eating cleaner', 'more willpower', etc. No. If you're in this cycle, believe me, you do NOT have the physical or chemical ability to escape. I'm sure you've tried to quit for ages.

    I bashed my head on the steel cage of 'I just lack willpower! I'm just not trying hard enough! That's why I can't quit for more than a week!' for 15 years. Learn from my mistakes, lol.

    Here's what I recommend:

    If you are obsessing about food, I suspect it's low neurotransmitters. You can't think or reason your way out of low brain chemistry- your brain is FORCED into this pattern and cannot get out of it until it gets more serotonin/dopamine, etc. Thinking, NLP, CBT, psychotherapy, etc all are lovely but they don't put a single iota of neurotransmitters back into your brain. Its like being diabetic. Talk therapy and emotional exploration is all very nice... BUT it doesn't give you any insulin. It doesn't make your body make more insulin. And the only thing that will fix a problem of too little insulin is MORE INSULIN.

    I suppose it's possible that some bulimics may have NO neurochemical issues, their problems may be 100% psychological. But this is possible in the same way 'hell might freeze over tomorrow' is, technically, possible. I have never met this rare unicorn person. Bulimia and anorexia both strip the body of nutrients, it's almost inevitable that there's brain chemistry depletion. AND a lot of people who develop EDs are people who had low brain chemistry issues in the first place- and that's WHY they developed an ED. Which promptly makes it worse and worse.

    So. Before you do anything, try some chemical stuff out.

    -Get either (or both) of Julia Ross' books- 'the Diet Cure' and 'the Mood Cure'. You can get them from the library, or look on google books, I think they're both there. Since you're young enough to know about this stuff, you can also just get a torrent of the ebook versions. They'll tell you what vitamins and amino acids to take to at least get your brain the chemicals it is screaming for right now.

    And in my experience, you cannot accomplish anything when your brain chemistry is low. Nothing will work, you will stay exactly where you are. Nothing changes chemical problems except chemicals.

    Addendum: in my case, once I started the aminos and got a bit more clearheaded, I realized that (a)I'd had undiagnosed depression and inattentive ADD all my life. And I learned as a child to overeat to medicate this. That then turned into an ED. And that (b)when I took the aminos and vitamins PLUS proper depression/ADD meds, my ED went POOF.

    Vanished. Gone.

    And I have been trying as hard as I could to quit for years and years and years.

    But in the end: It wasn't up to me. There was absolutely nothing I could do to quit. It wasn't in my hands at all. What it was, was a very black/white situation. If I have the serotonin and dopamine that I need? Then I do not have an ED. If I don't? Then, almost instantly, I will have an ED again.

    So seriously- look into that. Go to an ED clinic. I know it probably seems like doctors are full of bullshit, but I found these places to have good, practical advice. They'll also screen you for various underlying mental illnesses. (And if it makes you feel better, just in case you end up having one, look up how many rock stars and hot actors have either bipolar or depression. It's a LOT of them.)

    From there, it's probably best to figure out what kind of diet will actually, truly, make you happy. I wouldn't bother with this until the brain stuff is sorted out- it's essentially impossible to think clearly about food when your brain is so desperately low on neurotransmitters and is just screaming for relief. But there's a real difference between 'I like this food' and 'I desperately NEED the chemical effect of this food NOW!' You'll know it when you feel it, believe me.

    If you're worried about weight gain in recovery, you can ask about it here or PM me. I went into recovery at a normal weight and haven't gained anything. I've got a few ideas on how to avoid it.

    I think then, it's probably not a bad idea to bring out the feelings journal and the talk therapy. Some, maybe even many ED sufferers have definite issues with feelings, bad memories, trauma, etc. But you want to be chemically stable and eating in a moderate, healthy, not-starvation or overeating kind of way first. You need to have the brain and body physiology working before you can even get at higher functions like emotions. That's another thing an ED clinic can hook you up with.

    I see you're from Sweden... I don't know much about health services there, but they keep talking about Canada and Sweden in the same breath as 'those damn socialist countries with their nationalized health care!' lol. So I'm assuming you can get into a publicly funded ED clinic? You may have to get a doctor's referral or something. But health care practitioners usually don't screw around when someone is suffering from an ED and also cutting. Both of these are considered to be directly life-threatening.

    Good luck, and I mean that. This is NOT easy. But it is possible.
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    GF/NP's Avatar
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    My heart goes out to you, bulimia is a heartbreaking disorder.

    What I am going to tell you is what I would do for a patient of mine who comes to me in the same situation. First off, bulimia is a white knuckle disorder. Most people feel hungry all the time and don't know how to stop the hunger without overeating. They use willpower 95% of the time to manage cravings until they can't do it anymore.

    CandylandCanary is right about it being partially a neurotransmitter problem. In addition it is also an inflammatory problem. I truly believe that almost all psychiatric illness is a manifestation of an inflammatory process. So the question is... How do you heal the inflammation and subsequently manage the cravings that bring on the uncontrollable binge.

    You have two choices.

    1. Dr. Kruse

    or

    2. The GAPS diet

    Personally, I would go with DR. Kruse. Actually, I am really hoping he writes about eating disorders and the inflammatory pathway. I think there are so many people who would benefit from this info.

    This protein loading in the AM will set the stage for controlling the cravings as well as put you into the healing process.

    Also, get a quality omega 3 and use it aggressively in the beginning. This is essential to healing the gut along with coconut oil.

    Keep up with the therapy as this is an important part of the process.

    Just wanting to change puts you so far ahead of the game.

    Good luck!

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    Just wanted to say from a recovering self-harmer, I wish you the best of luck. I'm 23 and I've also often felt "Why haven't I been able to quit this by now?" I will definitely check out CandylandCanary's reading recs. This is a great support community here, so please feel welcome in coming with questions!
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    CandylandCanary and GF/NP:

    I will look up all those things you recommend to me, and on my next meeting Ill discuss them with my therapist. Those were truly gifts from you, thanks so much. reading your messages really made me feel so much better about myself.

    About the healthcare in sweden, I pay for my therapy at the moment. But I just ordered time and now Im in private therapy once every week and my ED-program will start soon too.

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    So, what does your therapist say about your questions, and what is their opinion on the book?
    Quote Originally Posted by 888erkan888 View Post
    BUT.... I am not ready to quit. I used to love to run in my Vibrams, used to be proud of my love for veggies, I used to enjoy cooking... The "primal" lifestyle is something Ill never give up on.
    Running is good, not related to bulimia though. Why are you no longer proud of your love for veggies?
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    Quote Originally Posted by namelesswonder View Post
    Just wanted to say from a recovering self-harmer, I wish you the best of luck. I'm 23 and I've also often felt "Why haven't I been able to quit this by now?" I will definitely check out CandylandCanary's reading recs. This is a great support community here, so please feel welcome in coming with questions!
    I wish you good luck and strenght in over coming selfharming!
    Today I had an awkward moment when my mom asked what she saw on the floor...it was just some liquid gross stuff from the trashbag that got out but she immidetlty asked me if it was my blood... I try to hide my cutting but my bed is always stained as my clothes and my arm starts to look bad.. I dont want them to think of these dark things, and thats why my ED, cutting, depression etc is a total secret that I work so hard to keep away!!

    Only you wonderful people on the internet and my therapist can know!

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    Quote Originally Posted by davem View Post
    So, what does your therapist say about your questions, and what is their opinion on the book?

    Running is good, not related to bulimia though. Why are you no longer proud of your love for veggies?
    I can honestly say Ive never exercised as purging or some screwed thinking, just for fun.

    I guess Im proud of knowing about the primal eating style... Its just my family thinks these foods are kinda expensive and dont understand why I eat like this, so the told me, so I started to buy my own food. Im also paranoid about what people thonk of my eating thats why I dislike eating anything in public now. Im just scared anyone will say something about my "odd" primal meals, even if I know inside this is the food that will heal me. Guess thats not my logic, but its my inner demons controlling my thinking. I will fight them.

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    Yeah, you know, we all fight them. I'm glad you have a therapist. It will help.

    I don't find primal foods being any more expensive than non primal, although I may be one of the few people on this board that says their weekly food bill has gone down.

    Love the veg, it's good for you, the protein is important as well, and if you've never execised while in a purging cycle... well, have you experimented with increasing physical output, would it reduce the desire to purge? (For clarification - I don't know what you're going through, my food problem is that I eat too much.)
    My Fitday public journal.
    Me vs. Russian Boar, hunt is on Aug. 20th. WHAT'S MORE PRIMAL THAN THAT?!
    Recently survived Warrior Dash, New England.
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    Primal Blueprint Expert Certification
    Ive decided to start slowly to exerise again, its been a long time and Im very unfit and weak.
    And let me clarify, I am not underweight at all at this moment, I used to be but I tried to get out of bulimia-cycle by trying to avoid purging myself thinking it would prevent another binge.. Its tempting to starve myself but I try to convince myself if I eat primal foods I will never binge again and starving only feeds the "demons".

    I will start taking walks then maybe run a little. Im feeling a little hopeful.

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