I could PM, but if it's all on a thread, other people can google and find the suggestions here in the future.
I was anorexic and bulimic for 15 years. I'm 31 now and I just managed to escape from it a month ago. You're 21 now, you're still young. If you can kick this stuff now, that'll be awesome. Most of the people I saw at the ED clinic were 30-40ish and had been ED-sufferers for 20-30 years!
This stuff does NOT go away on it's own and it will NOT let you go just by 'trying harder', 'eating cleaner', 'more willpower', etc. No. If you're in this cycle, believe me, you do NOT have the physical or chemical ability to escape. I'm sure you've tried to quit for ages.
I bashed my head on the steel cage of 'I just lack willpower! I'm just not trying hard enough! That's why I can't quit for more than a week!' for 15 years. Learn from my mistakes, lol.
Here's what I recommend:
If you are obsessing about food, I suspect it's low neurotransmitters. You can't think or reason your way out of low brain chemistry- your brain is FORCED into this pattern and cannot get out of it until it gets more serotonin/dopamine, etc. Thinking, NLP, CBT, psychotherapy, etc all are lovely but they don't put a single iota of neurotransmitters back into your brain. Its like being diabetic. Talk therapy and emotional exploration is all very nice... BUT it doesn't give you any insulin. It doesn't make your body make more insulin. And the only thing that will fix a problem of too little insulin is MORE INSULIN.
I suppose it's possible that some bulimics may have NO neurochemical issues, their problems may be 100% psychological. But this is possible in the same way 'hell might freeze over tomorrow' is, technically, possible. I have never met this rare unicorn person. Bulimia and anorexia both strip the body of nutrients, it's almost inevitable that there's brain chemistry depletion. AND a lot of people who develop EDs are people who had low brain chemistry issues in the first place- and that's WHY they developed an ED. Which promptly makes it worse and worse.
So. Before you do anything, try some chemical stuff out.
-Get either (or both) of Julia Ross' books- 'the Diet Cure' and 'the Mood Cure'. You can get them from the library, or look on google books, I think they're both there. Since you're young enough to know about this stuff, you can also just get a torrent of the ebook versions. They'll tell you what vitamins and amino acids to take to at least get your brain the chemicals it is screaming for right now.
And in my experience, you cannot accomplish anything when your brain chemistry is low. Nothing will work, you will stay exactly where you are. Nothing changes chemical problems except chemicals.
Addendum: in my case, once I started the aminos and got a bit more clearheaded, I realized that (a)I'd had undiagnosed depression and inattentive ADD all my life. And I learned as a child to overeat to medicate this. That then turned into an ED. And that (b)when I took the aminos and vitamins PLUS proper depression/ADD meds, my ED went POOF.
Vanished. Gone.
And I have been trying as hard as I could to quit for years and years and years.
But in the end: It wasn't up to me. There was absolutely nothing I could do to quit. It wasn't in my hands at all. What it was, was a very black/white situation. If I have the serotonin and dopamine that I need? Then I do not have an ED. If I don't? Then, almost instantly, I will have an ED again.
So seriously- look into that. Go to an ED clinic. I know it probably seems like doctors are full of bullshit, but I found these places to have good, practical advice. They'll also screen you for various underlying mental illnesses. (And if it makes you feel better, just in case you end up having one, look up how many rock stars and hot actors have either bipolar or depression. It's a LOT of them.)
From there, it's probably best to figure out what kind of diet will actually, truly, make you happy. I wouldn't bother with this until the brain stuff is sorted out- it's essentially impossible to think clearly about food when your brain is so desperately low on neurotransmitters and is just screaming for relief. But there's a real difference between 'I like this food' and 'I desperately NEED the chemical effect of this food NOW!' You'll know it when you feel it, believe me.
If you're worried about weight gain in recovery, you can ask about it here or PM me. I went into recovery at a normal weight and haven't gained anything. I've got a few ideas on how to avoid it.
I think then, it's probably not a bad idea to bring out the feelings journal and the talk therapy. Some, maybe even many ED sufferers have definite issues with feelings, bad memories, trauma, etc. But you want to be chemically stable and eating in a moderate, healthy, not-starvation or overeating kind of way first. You need to have the brain and body physiology working before you can even get at higher functions like emotions. That's another thing an ED clinic can hook you up with.
I see you're from Sweden... I don't know much about health services there, but they keep talking about Canada and Sweden in the same breath as 'those damn socialist countries with their nationalized health care!' lol. So I'm assuming you can get into a publicly funded ED clinic? You may have to get a doctor's referral or something. But health care practitioners usually don't screw around when someone is suffering from an ED and also cutting. Both of these are considered to be directly life-threatening.
Good luck, and I mean that. This is NOT easy. But it is possible.
Getting my Grok on in the Pacific Northwest.
"C is for cookie, that's good enough for me."
"Cookie is a sometimes food."
"Sometimes cookie monster eat APPLE instead of COOKIE. Sometimes eat CARROT."
-Cookie Monster, partially reformed sugarholic
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Originally Posted by 888erkan888
