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  1. #711
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    In this case there are a couple of issues.

    One is that her scholarships don't cover the costs now. And the university that dh teaches at gives money for tuition. If scholarship funds are diverted to pay for tuition (ie. the order in which things get covered, and if there is no on campus housing the money goes to tuition) then the money from dh's school reduces. It pays for 75% of unpaid tuition after other scholarships are paid out. So moving off campus for her will just reduce the amount awarded. I don't pretend to understand all of it, but luckily dh is a CPA and this sort of high finance is right up his alley.

    The other thing is that she chose to go to a school that did not make dh happy, and she chose because her boyfriend is there. She had a full ride to a much better school and she didn't take it. So dh is not very flexible in trying to make it the most fun/cushy experience ever, while he, of course, wants her to get the most out of the experience.

    and lastly, she doesn't have a car, and the communities around this campus are pretty/very dangerous. Even the boyfriend told her she was crazy to be looking for housing there. The University is sort of hemmed in, river on one side, interstate on one side, and downtown on the third side, there is limited space for walkable housing. And it is sub par.

    She is a freshman, maybe by the time she gets to be a junior or senior the money details will be worked out. But she used the "living on campus, in the dorm, with other honor's students" as one of the selling points for this school.

    I suspect the stubbornness of dh is as much a factor to why the funds aren't there for her to move off campus as anything else, and I am just caught in the middle. Although I have seen the neighborhood and the safety issue is obviously very real.
    Chris
    "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It is about learning to dance in the rain."
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    My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread36279.html

    My "Program": doing my version of a 5:2 (a 4:3) fast diet with real food.

  2. #712
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    258.8 down 1 from yesterday and 3.4 for the week, hoping to hit 257.something by Monday and that will put me back to pre-Christmas weights.

    So, I am not really binging, but I am allowing myself to go slightly astray. I am thinking I am in work avoidance mode. And of course yesterday the whole thing with my daughter upset me a lot. Not because I feel bad that I can't/won't give her what she is asking for. But that she continues to ask for things (repeatedly) that she knows I can't/won't give her and then gets mad at me for not giving in (which I really have never done, so not sure why she thinks things would be different now).

    Anyway, luckily, usually, she and I get over these little things pretty quickly.

    The big thing for me, is the need for food to solve my problems. Those situations like this one with my daughter, and the fact that I am not happy with my marriage in general, stymie me. I am not unhappy with my marriage most of the time, I just know we have the potential to have a much healthier happier relationship for both of us. I also know that trying to talk to him about it would be futile, been there done that, only makes matters worse. So I am at a loss as to how to proceed. I am sad and frustrated and can't fix it.

    I did attend a marriage seminar last year, and thought that the suggestions would work. But I can't remember a single one and can't find my notes. I had started implementing some of the suggestions at the time, and then slipped out of the habit and now can't remember them for the life of me. Gotta find those notes.

    The interesting thing is, why the heck would any part of me think that eating any food could possibly change the situation? Where does that idea come from? Really, eating too much causes me to gain/hold onto excess weight, which messes with my self confidence, which makes it less likely that I will be able to handle these kinds of situations.

    But I do honestly believe that the body is trying to do the best it can for us to survive and thrive even when we don't think so. So the question is what is my body trying to do when I eat in excess of my need? Does the stress itself cause a release in hormones that want food? I think that is true to an extent, but why?

    I need to find another way to release those hormones/stress that doesn't involve food intake. Wish it could be vacuuming like a crazy woman (that was my grandmother's solution!)
    Chris
    "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It is about learning to dance in the rain."
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    My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread36279.html

    My "Program": doing my version of a 5:2 (a 4:3) fast diet with real food.

  3. #713
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    Pebbles67 is online now Senior Member
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    I am sorry about your marriage situation. I am going through similar feelings. My husband thinks everything is just great. He has a sexy, vibrant wife and is getting it regularly. BUT as much as I love him and the life we have built together, I get more and more tired of his impatience, temper and his lack of willingness to make real changes that would make both of us happier. Yes, he pays lip service to changing his eating, but he doesn't make many moves. I know that it is hypocritical of me knowing my history, but that is the way I feel. I think there is just a lot of water under the bridge, times in our history when he has treated me badly. I guess I need to work on my lack of forgiveness.

    For all of the above reasons, he is the one person that can send me into a binge even if I feel strong and have had a perfect day. I have to stop giving him that power.

  4. #714
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    Love the vacuuming comment as that is my go ot when mad/sad/lost feeling. I can feel like I did something worthwhile as we have 3 sled dogs and a cat (fur and more fur).

    My advice is focus on yourself because all this really is about you and how you perceive things. You change others by changing yourself. I usually have to be really mad/hurt to do this as I'm the one always taking care of everybody and feel it is my "duty" to do for them. But then it seems that it gives them the go to ask or expect more. When I back away, they need to move closer to me to get their needs met and even work for it so it is valued more.
    I tend to do the snacking when upset thing too. At least I can catch myself at it now and decide what to do better than just being a victim of emotions.

  5. #715
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    It's funny you mention marriage. I was cleaning out my book room and found a few books on marriage that I forgot I had. The Five Languages of Love is one of them. I'm going to start re-reading tonight. I find myself dissatisfied, but for no real apparent reason. My husband is a good man. Seriously. When my mom had her mental breakdown (and this was rougher than I ever want to have to relive) and living with us, he stood by me. He supports my weight loss efforts (although I know he thinks I'm crazy). He thought I was beautiful at 240 pounds. He thinks I'm stunning at 159 (wait until I'm 135). My grandparents loved him as their own, and they were great character judges. He's moved around the country with me so that I could pursue my career. He nothing but supportive when I announce that I don't plan to finish my PhD, but might work on a nutrition certification and perhaps get an (online) masters of religion. He works hard. He helps keep the house up. We share the same financial goals. He is a totally awesome man. And yet, I'm not satisfied.

    I feel like something is missing. He frustrates me that he doesn't listen. He doesn't pay attention. I'm not always sure he truly knows who I am (of course, as much as I seem to change and evolve, and do so very introspectively, it's not really easy). He's pretty content. He likes stability. He likes having a nice home. He likes financial security (me too!). He likes sex (my complaint is that he doesn't know what I like...of course, I don't know what I like, so we're in the same boat there). He likes good food and I love cooking. My guess is that if he had any complaints, it would be that he wishes I'd spend more time with him (watching TV...ugh) and encouraged touch in general (I'm like an ice princess...really...I don't hardly remember being touched growing up, so it's not natural or comfortable for me).

    Having said all that, I'm pretty sure the grass isn't greener on another side. I watched my entire family (except for my grandparents) search for something else with each spouse. They never found it (not to say that sometimes you shouldn't leave - because there were a few where my mom should gone, much earlier and much faster). I also know, from experience, that if I start trying to change things, without then wanting him to change, things get better. He responds in a positive manner (I do realize not everyone's DHs will have the same response). Yeah, it sucks that I have to initiate the change and lead the change and not have his active participation, but an improved marriage is worth it (to me and my individual circumstances).

    So, now you inspired me to go read my book and see what I can start influencing.

  6. #716
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    I totally agree that the only person I can change is me, logically, emotionally, well I am not always there.

    In our situation...DH does not like to talk about his work, but since he works 12 hours/7 days there is not much else for him to talk about. He does have flying, and I listen, but it is not a conversation-I have serious motion sickness issues and he chose to go on with the hobby deluding himself into the notion that we could fly away for a weekend a month (he also would not take off a weekend a month, but that is another discussion).

    He got into having a fish tank-this nipped in the bud getting the kitchen certified for making/selling cake bites (actually a good thing given my weight issues).

    He is now starting into beer brewing, something he purports we can do as a hobby together. Neither of us drink beer, this could make sense if we were making red wine, but for some reason he thinks that is a dumb idea.

    I would love to go back to our swing dancing lessons, and as soon as I can get something arranged where it doesn't cost us a fortune I am pretty sure he will go with this.

    So nothing to talk about except the kids (this to me is a recipe for disaster, especially once both are out of the house).

    Now to physical intimacy (TMI Warning!!) He doesn't like hugging or kissing, will spoon for a short period of time before falling asleep, will kiss goodby in the morning and hello upon return most days. Sex has always been an issue, he has always wanted it WAY less than I have. And now, well, physical issues prevent actual intercourse, and although I have said that that is not something I even care about as an end result of making love, this is now apparently totally off the table. We are in our mid-50's.

    He is on a low-fat, high grain, low-calorie diet. His cardiologist feels he needs to maintain this lower weight and the nutritionist he was sent to felt the SAD was the best course for him to pursue. The doc basically said, oh well, when dh told him of the physical problem. Honestly is 55 an acceptable age to think that sex is over?

    ok, I am done, if I don't stop I am going to run to the pantry and pull all the crap down on the floor and shove it into my mouth. Sad and frustrated. Maybe I will go vacuum the upstairs.
    Chris
    "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It is about learning to dance in the rain."
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    My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread36279.html

    My "Program": doing my version of a 5:2 (a 4:3) fast diet with real food.

  7. #717
    demuralist's Avatar
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    ah, we cross posted. I downloaded the book "5 Love Languages" as an audio book, but I need to go to the library and pick it up as a book, listening to it was just frustrating (I am a visual learner). Funny thing is I had bought it, forgot about it, a friend saw it borrowed it passed it along to her daughter, who passed it along, etc. (it is now somewhere in PA.)

    The one thing I can absolutely guarantee, we will not break up. The requirements for a good marriage are all there, Trust and Love among others, I am just in search of better, with him. Of course, one of my main faults is perfectionism, I will likely always be looking to improve, and yes a lot of that has to do with my perceptions, so I have to work on myself for much of it. But, honestly, done with sex at 55? that is not in my head!
    Chris
    "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It is about learning to dance in the rain."
    Unknown

    My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread36279.html

    My "Program": doing my version of a 5:2 (a 4:3) fast diet with real food.

  8. #718
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    All I have to say is that done at 55 is too early! And, you have good stuff to work with. I too am a perfectionist...which tends to be a problem.

    You are going to have a really clean house

    If you can't find the book at your library, I'll lend you mine (I'm a fast reader and will be done tonight or tomorrow...and I too am a visual learner!).

  9. #719
    demuralist's Avatar
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    That is so very very sweet of you. I just checked and my library says it has an available copy, I will stop by on my errand runs this afternoon and pick it up. I am also going to do a more diligent search for the notes from the seminar I attended. It was very similar in nature to the 5Love languages and as I remember it what I had started to institute was working.

    the seminar was led by a man, and so he definitely said talking about it rarely helps. In my mind I sort of feel like, if I tell you what my issues are you will work to help solve them if they are reasonable. That is how my BFF and I work through issues (and part of the reason we are such good friends is actually because she is a lot like a female version of my DH and I am a lot like a female version of her DH!).

    Regarding the 55 being too early!...I have been trying to get him onto a more Primal diet, because he has skin issues that the docs have never been able to resolve, and he has trouble putting on muscle even though he is sturdily built, those along with the ED and the cholesterol situation (doc has him on statins-ED started before this though, I think it is prostate related) he could probably use more protein. That and we were SAD, vegetarian for the 7 years just prior to him seeing the doc and frankly I believe that is how he got where is he truthfully!

    My kitchen is now spotless, beautiful! At least it is productive!
    Chris
    "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It is about learning to dance in the rain."
    Unknown

    My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread36279.html

    My "Program": doing my version of a 5:2 (a 4:3) fast diet with real food.

  10. #720
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    Pebbles67 is online now Senior Member
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    Good for you. Use that frustration...just don't eat it. It's too bad that the ED doesn't bother him enough to change diet to take care of it. If my husband had ED he would go Primal so fast my head would spin. lol Funny how his heart problems don't inspire that kind of action. (BTW he is still in the research thinking about it stage)

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