So the allure of the chocolate called again, I had 2 more squares. Still too sweet, but no, I didn't spit it out. I did wake up this morning and throw the rest of the bar away. I did the 5 whys...
Why did I keep the bar in the first place? Because I wanted to eat it.
Why did you want to eat it? Because I wanted to be a "normal person" and eat a piece of chocolate and leave the rest.
Why do you think you are not a normal person? Because I have been dieting since I was in 8th grade, I have had VERY few instances in which I eat because I am hungry, eat what I want, stop when I am not hungry anymore.
Why don't you eat like that? Because I am afraid.
Why are you afraid?...afraid that I will go crazy and gain a ton of weight and end up with paramedics having to tear down a wall to get me to the hospital....afraid that it will work and I will have to admit that I have wasted my life spending so much time worried about my weight.
So I threw it away. Honestly it was not that good, I ate it because 1. it was there and 2. something in the back of my mind says it is chocolate so I want it.
Just got a newsletter that talks about conflicting visions of myself. Conflicting Visions: a reason for fat loss failure | S.P.E.E.D. - Evidence Based Weight Loss
I will sit down, hopefully today, but definitely by this weekend and lay out my visions for my life and see where they may be conflicting, and where I have let go of control, and where I should let go of the attempt to control.