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Thread: 40 and very certain i did it wrong page

  1. #1
    quelsen's Avatar
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    40 and very certain i did it wrong

    OK I have come to the end of an thought meme and am feeling rather at a loss for the next thing.

    I was big from day one. My parents recorded my weight till age 7 and i gained a pound a month every month to that point. so by my 7th birthday i was 90 pounds acording to the baby book. I was the child everyone made fun of, adults as well as children. My size was THE topic for conversation if i was in the room. Head start was bad but as i went to a private school Kindergarten was way worse. By the time I was 10 I had become so aware of my weight that i knew what i weighed and would attempt to fast ( until i got caught ) and was running 2-3 miles a day to try to burn it all off.

    The straw the broke the camels back was when i surpassed my older cousin. He was 9 months older than me and we weighted the same at 120 then i went to 125. Our mothers were identical twins and our fathers were first cousins so in my mind i assumed that I should never weigh anymore than he did as i equated us in my own mind.

    That is when i became very very serious about controling my weight. At the ripe old age of 10. No matter what i did i continuously failed. Looking back it is easy to see that i was obsessed with something i had very little contorl over however given that i had NO control over the rest of my life i grabbed onto this and held it for all i was worth. Yet all my fasting ezercise and determination was no match for my gentic disposition and by the age of 18 i was 310 and miserable

    The next 17 years go by and never for one minute do i stop striving to reduce and study and exercise trying to stop the slide into death and despite all that by the age of 34 I had never stoped the headlong rush. at 421 i started to reevaluate what i knew. I wish i had started eariler but i have been saying that for 30 years so what is new.

    I started studying the avialible liturature on insulin resistance and designed my own food plan and exercise regimine which seemed to work for a while. I woudl eat 800 kcals a day from a primarily protien source; then each day i woudl exercise 1200kcals to give myself a caloric defficeit . in 2 months i reduced by 40 pounds and i was happy to be making progress. Then it stopped, I had changed nothign and it stopped. I kept on for 4 more months hoping it woudl get back on track. It never started again.

    At this point i hate my body. It has become the enemy and if i was not evil to it before i began to be evil now. I woudl fast for weeks. I would exercise until i almost passed out. To my shame i admit that I have resorted to personal violence in my anger at the problem. Forunately hitting yourself out of frustration doesnt cause any permenant damage or at least in my case did not.

    Finally i gave up. I just didnt have the energy to care anymore. life was just this thing i did you know. Suicide was ever in my thoughts.Then the worst thing in my opinon happened. I saw my MD for a regular checkup.He had been after me for years to do a gastric bypass and i woudl counter my history with general anesthesia , I dont wake up well, so i knew that If i go under again i wont wake up.

    When you go thru anger manaagement you may perform an exercise which lists what actually happened , what you felt about what happened, and the result. That is the only way to process this.
    What happened, the MD increased my Testosterone dosage.
    What was the result; higher blood pressure, calcium leaching; 100 pound weight gain in 90 days
    what I felt about it. I knew he did it to force me to ge the bypass. He had no idea what was causing my problems until i really studied hard and found that the Testosterone lists that as a side effect. His reply " Oh yeah i guess that can happen"

    By this point i was just broken totally broken.

    Everything started to change from that point. I started to eat for taste somethign i never did before. and i found a strange thing. eating didnt cause me to gain weight. At the time i was working on site in tennessee and started hitting the hotel buffet for lunch. no signifigant weight gain. ?????

    I was challanged by my then girlfreind to see a Naturopath. Her word were " you have studied this so long and so hard you think everyone else is stupid" That jerked me up short it was true. I knew that nobody else had my problem so it was up to me to fix it. I went to her ND and he performed at Neuro-Crainial Restructuring on me I figured what did i have to lose. things began to change.

    From there i started to visit all sorts of non standard forms of healing, again i fgured i had nothing to lose. I spent a week in Cumberland Forge TN in experiental therapy and while i recieved a huge groth spurt there it was also the end of my dating as the moment i came back she looked at me and said " you have changed... I dont like it" Nothing had been said yet, but she coudl see the change and that was that.

    I spent the next 3 years getting spiritual hoping for some solution and in june of 2010 a random stranger walked into my home to pick up my then roomate for a date and told me about HCG. he had removed 70 pounds with it and wanted to share his triumph with me.

    June 16th i started the protocol pounds and inches and today i am 150 pounds lighter. Along the way i have learned even more aobut nutirion and exercise and Primal.

    In 16 days i will be 40. This is not where i wanted to be at 40, but it is where i am. I am on the path to health but i have always been on the path. I have never quite gotten to where i want to be. This milestone is weighing heavily on me. I feel that time has expired and i have not made it to the finsih line. Each day this month hurts more and more.

    I know i need another perspective. I know i need to celebrate what i have accomplished. For the life of me I cannot seem to choose to do that. All i seem willign to do is dwell on my failures.
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  2. #2
    Yvonne PHX's Avatar
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    Then dwell for a little while. Just not too long. Let yourself really grieve until your birthday if that's what you need, and then let it go.

  3. #3
    belinda's Avatar
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    I see my 10 year old nephew in your story. Except he weighs 180 lbs. And his 8 year old brother weighs 120 lbs. I keep trying to inspire their mother ( my sister) to get them started on the PB ... or anything except carb after carb after carb. I think I need to send her your story.

    In January of this year, I realized that I was going to be 49 and there was no way I wanted to turn 50 still being in the same crappy mess I was in. Even at nearly 50, I've found that I'm not too old or out of shape to meet my goal!

    You are half way to your goal and the more you fight, the more years you are going to have to live your life and reach your goal. I have faith in you - I realize that's not worth much - but it's all I can give you
    Newcomers: If you haven't read the book, at least read this thread ... and all the links!
    http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread17722.html

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    quelsen's Avatar
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    Wow Belinda, and i thought i was big for my age. I certainly hope they dont get treated as horribly as I did , but i suppose tht is a lot to hope for. Looking back i know that most of my weight gain was gentic, which made it that much more annoying. my parents are not small people and my mother has some gene issues that were never figured out. Part of the reason i chose to get a vasectomy at 20 I was not going to pass my genes onto any next generation. additionally i was not going to introduce innocent children into the hell that was my family.But that is another show.

    I hope that your sister can see a change is needed before it is too late.
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  5. #5
    Paleobird's Avatar
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    Oh Honey Badger, I wish I could give you a hug.
    You, as you have publicly stated, came from a home that was rife with severe physical and emotional abuse. You had probably had more cortisol overloads in your system by the ripe old age of ten than most people have in a lifetime. Having to be afraid of the very people who are supposed to protect and care for you in this world is just wrong on so many levels. I wouldn't be surprised if your weight issues are more hormonal than genetic. Your childhood sounds like a major case study in adrenal fatigue to me.
    It still amazes me that you managed to make it out of a situation like that and still be the kind, gentle, caring spirited person that you are. If you did that, you can do anything.
    Losing 150 pounds is pretty damn impressive too. I don't doubt you for a minute. Not only that, you're handsome now but you are going to be devastatingly handsome soon. I only wish I could see the transformation in person.
    I'm sliding toward 50 and feeling miles better than I did at 40. 40 isn't the end of anything. It's only the beginning.

  6. #6
    Kaylee99's Avatar
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    Everything I think up to say sounds cliche or silly so just *BIG HUGS*
    See what I'm up to: The Primal Gardener

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    I have to agree with Paleobird - I'm 46, and it is SO much better than 40. I'm actually looking forward to being 50 and more.

    Hang in there, and don't set any of these artificial deadlines for yourself. You've already come so far, physically and emotionally. It would be a shame to see that go unappreciated.
    My sorely neglected blog - http://ThatWriterBroad.com

  8. #8
    marthat's Avatar
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    As I approached 40, I had a girlfriend, who was one year older than me, tell me that she was looking forward to her 40's as, when she looked around, all the really powerful people in the world, self-assured, doing what they wanted with their lives, were in their 40's. Like they had finally arrived at their true strength and power in that decade. So I went into my 40's looking forward and I did many amazing things with that decade. I have just entered my 50's and am aiming to have another decade of growth and new experiences.

    It's OK to grieve the past, but it is so important to then give it a nod of acknowledgement and acceptance and turn your face forward. I'm quite recent on these forums, but your presence here is noticeable and enriching. You have an amazing and unique story and hence perspective. You are valued here. Hugs to you.

  9. #9
    Dalton's Avatar
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    Take a few minutes to write down everything you can remember about yesterday. When you're done walk away from the list.

    After a short period of time go back and read it. After you're done reading the list, stare at it and I mean STARE INTENTLY! after you lose focus stop staring and ask yourself "did I manage to change anything that happened yesterday?". No, you say? Good, because it's NEVER GOING TO...it's the past. All you can hope for is to replicate the good and learn from and correct the bad.

    You've set goals for yourself and that's great, but don't even dwell on the goal, dwell instead on the path to that goal that you are presented with on a daily basis. You don't have 168 pounds to lose tomorrow, you have a lifestyle to live tomorrow that is the path to get you to the goal which is 168 pounds down the line. If that 168 pounds is 12 months or 12 years away who gives a damn as long as you stay on the path.

    Be strong my man, be strong.

  10. #10
    quelsen's Avatar
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    Dalton - That made me tear up. Must have hit a nerve.

    Marthat - Thanks for that tidbit, needed to know it.

    RitaRose - I do struggle with self appreciation. seems easier to self condemn. I DO know better... <shrug>

    Paleobird - You are right, i was watching Bones the other day and she commented to Boothe about his popping bones and the information was somethig i didnt have. at made me realize that my bones will always pop from the dammage inflicted in my youth and that was strangely liberating, one less thing i had to try to correct. I am a take responcibility kind of chap, yet i need to accept that much that happened then does affect me now physically. I have to truly focus to relax, most times i dont even know how stressed i am until i do relax. It is those times i am reminded just how high my cortisol must be.

    Thanks all for your kind words
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